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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£80 in Card for Friend's Wedding?

161 replies

QS90 · 27/10/2023 18:50

What do you think is the correct amount of cash to put in card for a friend's wedding (they have been living together a while so asked got money rather than gifts)? I think close to £80, but my partner thinks £40 is more appropriate.

For context, this is an old uni friend. We have been friends a while, but are not absolute besties or anything. We are not in the wedding party or bridesmaids or groomsmen or anything. The do seems quite upmarket, in a nice venue and we are having a sit down dinner.

We are low on money atm as DP in and out of work, and I'm just finishing my 2nd lot of maternity leave in two years. However, it's not like we can't afford petrol or groceries or anything. Have spent money on a new dress, bag and shoes (sadly none of my pre-baby clothes are anywhere near fitting me anymore). Venue isn't on doorstep, so there's petrol we've spent and also a room to stay in.

This all sounds very miserly and penny pinching, but it's more that I don't want to get it "wrong" either way. It would also be embarrassing to give too much, and have it seem weird iyswim?

OP posts:
Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:16

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 27/10/2023 19:14

Of course they should be bloody out of pocket it's their wedding!

Show quote history

Did I suggest anyone cover the whole cost of the wedding?

Clearly everyone has different ideas of what is appropriate to give as a cash gift.

youveturnedupwelldone · 27/10/2023 19:17

£50 is enough IMPO.

I'm fascinated though. Do people really think the amount should be dictated by the length of time you're invites for - which effectively means you're paying to attend?

Hadjab · 27/10/2023 19:17

I have a weird thing about numbers, so for me 80 just feels wrong. I'd either take it up to 100 or take it down to 50.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 27/10/2023 19:17

Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:16

Did I suggest anyone cover the whole cost of the wedding?

Clearly everyone has different ideas of what is appropriate to give as a cash gift.

Show quote history

You suggested people pay their cost of attending a wedding so that the bride and groom are not out of pocket for their attendance

I personally think that's absolute bullshit.

tunapokebowl · 27/10/2023 19:19

Gosh I feel really tight reading these responses. We are not hard up and usually do £50 if we're day guests, a bottle of champagne worth approx £30 if evening only.

We got married 7 years ago and apart from some older, long time family friends I feel £50 was the standard amount we got from couples.

Hadjab · 27/10/2023 19:24

Hadalifeonce · 27/10/2023 19:13

Gift whatever you can afford to, or want to. There is no set answer as wedding invitations don't come with a price tag.

100% this!

Your friend will/should be happy you're there to celebrate, gifts should be seen as a bonus.

AlwaysGinPlease · 27/10/2023 19:26

Hadalifeonce · 27/10/2023 19:13

Gift whatever you can afford to, or want to. There is no set answer as wedding invitations don't come with a price tag.

Absolutely

Comedycook · 27/10/2023 19:26

Considering the nature of your friendship and your financial situation, £40 is fine

Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:26

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 27/10/2023 19:17

You suggested people pay their cost of attending a wedding so that the bride and groom are not out of pocket for their attendance

I personally think that's absolute bullshit.

Show quote history

I said that when I work out what I’m giving as a cash gift I aim to cover the cost of my attendance.

You do you.

The OP was asking for opinions. I gave mine.

Wolvesart · 27/10/2023 19:26

I think it’s wrong to ask for cash simply because the sum of money that many people are suggesting here is way more than you’d spend if you were buying a present for them.

RudsyFarmer · 27/10/2023 19:26

Split the difference and give £60.

Upwiththelark76 · 27/10/2023 19:28

Surely no bride and groom expects a certain amount ? £50 . The end

Allybob88 · 27/10/2023 19:28

When we got married, family members gave us £100 and friends gave £50, that seemed to be some unspoken rule!

OhDoh · 27/10/2023 19:31

£50. We did this a couple weeks ago. Wedding cost a lot for travel/hotel and that's all we could afford x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 19:32

MancBday · 27/10/2023 18:52

I think 50 is perfect.

If only one yes but she's hit a plus 1 so at least 50% increase on this

CantFindTheBeat · 27/10/2023 19:32

Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:06

If you can afford it then £80 is more appropriate in my opinion.

I work on the basis with a cash gift that the bride and groom shouldn’t be out of pocket from inviting you so aim to cover the cost of the sit down meal at least - so if you put the £80 in then it’s £40 each from you and DH.

This is why I prefer gift lists as it easier to buy something cheaper and still know the couple want it and will enjoy it.

Sidenote: I know the bride and groom aren’t asking for money to cover the cost of inviting you as guests, it’s just internally how I work out what I feel is an appropriate cash gift.

I know many people have the 'cover your plate' approach but I really disagree with this.

You have no control over the choice of meal, the price point, the quality.

What would you do if the Bride & Groom chose a menu that was £150 per guest - how would you system work then?

OP - has the couple asked for cash? If not, you could get a lovely price-opaque gift for £50.

DollyDaydream78 · 27/10/2023 19:32

Toottooot · 27/10/2023 18:52

At least £100 if you are full day guests.

Why? They're not paying to attend?

Lunab18 · 27/10/2023 19:32

I got married this year and £50 per couple was most common I think, although honestly didn’t pay too much attention. We had £100 off aunts, uncles, siblings etc and other people who brought a bottle.

randomusername2019 · 27/10/2023 19:34

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 19:35

StormInaDcup99 · 27/10/2023 19:11

Sorry but £40 seems paltry ....that's only 20 quid each!

If you can stretch I'd give an absolute minimum of £100 ie 50 quid each

I agree a meal out in pizza express with wine would cost more

randomusername2019 · 27/10/2023 19:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Ghastisflabbered · 27/10/2023 19:38

@CantFindTheBeat that’s a valid point.

Honestly I’ve never been to a wedding where the menu was £150 a guest and they’ve been crass enough to ask for money as a gift. I think internally my upper limit on “cover your plate” would be £100 an adult and £50 for the kids for friends. Maybe a little more for family. But I appreciate I’m lucky to be able to afford that.

Most of my friends and family circle have had gift registries though which makes the whole thing much easier and feels much less transactional.

Differentstarts · 27/10/2023 19:40

Ignore everyone saying to give at least £100 that's ridiculous. Where in a cost of living crisis and that's a weeks worth of shopping. It's a wedding gift a gesture, your not paying for the wedding. I would give £50 and I think that's generous.

Peachtails · 27/10/2023 19:44

An week after they've opened the cards they'll forgot who has given them what and it'll all be on the way to being saved or spent. Put in what you can afford, your presence will be the most valuable thing to them on the day.

Tbry · 27/10/2023 19:48

If you are low on cash a small keepsake gift, lovely card and £25. We all know what it’s like to have less money at some points plus you are travelling and paying to stay over.

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