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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not having a career?

136 replies

Longandmistylane · 27/10/2023 11:51

I am currently on maternity leave and weighing up whether to go back or not. I am wondering about this because so often on here I see women told they have 30/40 years left of working life after their children start school, but having small children at home for 4-6 years and then pursuing a career for the next however many whilst juggling school pick ups and drop offs and holidays (if you don’t work in a school or other educational setting) feels absolutely exhausting to me. I know it partly depends on how old you are - I’m pretty old to have young kids so that might be it, while I have friends who had children in their early/mid twenties so that makes sense. But AIBU not to be thinking of pursuing a glittering career in my 40s/50s?

OP posts:
PenguinRainbows · 27/10/2023 11:52

YANBU. Your children are the most important job of all and you should put your all into them if you can.

Yahyahs22 · 27/10/2023 11:53

PenguinRainbows · 27/10/2023 11:52

YANBU. Your children are the most important job of all and you should put your all into them if you can.

Agree with this

Melodyy · 27/10/2023 11:53

Why would you be unreasonable? It's your life, do what you want. Just remember every decision you make comes with it's own consequences.

Original poster
Longandmistylane · 27/10/2023 12:04

I think because the assumption seems to be you pause or halt your career temporarily - going back to it when the children are older but I can’t imagine doing that!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 12:06

Whatever works for your family is what you should do. A "career" is just a fancy word for a job.

PizzaPastaWine · 27/10/2023 12:07

I think it depends on a few other things such as whether you are married and your existing financial security.

I firmly believe you never know when the rug may be pulled from underneath you (it was with me). Luckily I was part time when my DC were young and since the departure of my exDH I have been able to fall straight into full time and job progression.

Yes, parenting is a very important job but keeping your head firmly above water was and is a must for me.

thesandwich · 27/10/2023 12:09

We never know what the future holds. Decisions aren’t binary- yes/ no. Many hate being at home with children. Others forced by bereavement/ divorce back to work.
Pensions? Think long term re the future. Nurture interests/ skills that give you options of worthwhile work if you want it in the future.

Baxdream · 27/10/2023 12:16

The only thing I would say is staying home with your children is wonderful but it normally has financial implications so you may need to prepare for friends having a different lifestyle to you if they have two incomes.
This might not impact you at all but worth thinking about as I've seen some people really struggle with this side

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 27/10/2023 12:21

If you don't have a "career" you're relying on someone else to support you financially. That might work out or it might not. Only time will tell.

Topsyturvy33 · 27/10/2023 12:23

I don't have a career but i do have a job that supports me, should i end up on my own! I had a surprise baby at 40 and realised that was it for career and I was ok with that.

WithTheHatToMatch · 27/10/2023 12:24

What will you do when your kids are older, though? I don’t think you need to have a glittering career lined up, necessarily - but financial security / the ability to earn is pretty important unless you come from money.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/10/2023 12:25

What does your partner think? Because ultimately, this has to be a negotiation between you and them.

cocksstrideintheevening · 27/10/2023 12:26

Are you financially independent?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/10/2023 12:28

I would add that I would never have chosen to give up my career and make myself financially dependent on someone else, but that's a personal choice.

Now that my dd is an adult, I'm very happy to have a career that provides meaning and purpose in my life... something that my mum definitely lacked when dsis and I flew the nest. Of course, people can find meaning and purpose in all manner of things, and paid work certainly isn't the only option.

Wallywobbles · 27/10/2023 12:29

I had my kids early 30s and just did my job. I'm now in my 50s and having a career.

Imicola · 27/10/2023 12:33

It's totally up to you and your partner. There is no "right" answer.

Reading your post, I wonder if you are a single parent? If so, can you support your family financially? And if not, why would all the burden of school drop-off/pick-up be on you?

Personally, I want to ensure that I am financially independent of my DH. I have read way too many posts on Mumsnet where women have sacrificed their careers to be SAHM and put themselves in very precarious financial positions. If things go wrong - will you and your children be alright financially (including when you are in your old age - will you have a decent pension)?

Then finally - the years where children will need you so intensely are short, and life is (usually) long. Do you have a plan for what you'd do when they get older?

mynameiscalypso · 27/10/2023 12:35

It's an individual choice based on your personal circumstances. You are neither wrong nor right. It's what's best for you and your family, including from a financial perspective.

For me, I found having my DS gave me a much better sense of purpose and has really shaped my career. I'm much better at my job since going back from maternity leave (part time) and that's been reflected in my performance, feedback, appraisals etc. My son is in Reception now and yes, it can be a juggle but it's infinitely better (for me) than being a SAHM. Like others, I also value my financial independence and, while my marriage is strong, I always want to have the ability to walk away if I need to.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2023 12:36

What does your husband think? It has to be a joint decision, not just yours.

It isn’t something I’d ever do. I enjoy my career and earning my own money, I wouldn’t want to rely on anyone else financially.

YellowRoses100 · 27/10/2023 12:39

I had a career. I worked really hard for 22 years full time. My kids are now teenagers and last year,I thought I'm fed up of working. I don't want to work like this anymore and I quit. No plans at all. Everyone thought I was crazy. I had some savings and for about 3 months Literally did nothing. I watched rubbish TV, went on walks, de cluttered some of the house. Then I took a side step into a similar tole but part time. But with loads less responsibility.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 27/10/2023 12:40

I went back part-time but to a good role. Thank goodness I did as we divorced when the children were young and I had to go back full time at the point.

It wasn't easy, and getting good child care was really important.

I wish I'd had been able to pick the kids up from school more often, if you can have a job that allows you to do that at least once a week I would recommend it. The school gates are where play dates and this friendships are made.

But I have a great job that I love and affords is a good life style and a decent pension. I'd have found it impossible to buy a house if I'd stayed part time so would have all of the cost and insecurity of renting in my old age if I hadn't worked.

But if the both of you are able to afford you to be an at home mum and you make that work then I do think there are some benefits to children.

StrangePaintName · 27/10/2023 12:41

Are you a single parent? Otherwise why would childcare and drop offs be exclusively your problem?

Re being ‘old’, I had DS two months short of 40 and it never occurred to me that it was in any way going to end my professional life. In fact parenting became much more enjoyable as soon as I went back to work.

You’d be crazy to quit.

Missingthegore · 27/10/2023 12:43

You don't have to have a career, you can have a job. A job in my view is somewhere you clock in every shift and do the same thing with little expectation to climb the ladder or study. There are really important responsible jobs like train drivers which pay better than I am earning right now in my career but the risk of life altering PTSD with the job I'd never do it.
There are essential jobs like working in a supermarket that pay a lot less. There are technical jobs you get trained for like working in a factory that makes medical equipment.

A career is a job where you are aiming to be an expert in a role then progress to a more senior role rinse and repeat.

A number of friends and acquaintances have gone back from mat leave to a job rather than a career. Some in the same profession e.g. SLT teaching post to a part time teacher, detective in serious crime squad to beat cop 2 days a week (adores it as gets to help people and way less admin!). Some have gone into unrelated jobs e.g. teacher to waitress at a cafe, a nurse now working as a pilates teacher.

Are you wanting to NOT work I.e SAHM?

OffTheWalll · 27/10/2023 12:44

I know more people who do 'jobs' rather than have careers. The pausing to have children then going back you speak of isn't something I've ever come across in all the people I know.

whowhy · 27/10/2023 12:46

Do what you want OP. It's irrelevant what anyone thinks. It's always the same handful of posters on any thread about SAHMs, but that's clearly about them. It will never matter what anonymous strangers think, it's between you and your husband anyway.

BitofaStramash · 27/10/2023 12:49

It's your life. If that's what you want and you can afford it, go for it.

Personally I've enjoyed having my children and a career.

I love my children enormously but wouldn't have been fulfilled as a SAHP.

I'm also enjoying the money I earn and save and am looking forward to retiring early.