In not having a career?

[Longandmistylane]

I am currently on maternity leave and weighing up whether to go back or not. I am wondering about this because so often on here I see women told they have 30/40 years left of working life after their children start school, but having small children at home for 4-6 years and then pursuing a career for the next however many whilst juggling school pick ups and drop offs and holidays (if you don’t work in a school or other educational setting) feels absolutely exhausting to me. I know it partly depends on how old you are - I’m pretty old to have young kids so that might be it, while I have friends who had children in their early/mid twenties so that makes sense. But AIBU not to be thinking of pursuing a glittering career in my 40s/50s?

I think a lot depends on what you personally find exhausting.

I find booking a holiday club and doing half the pick ups and drop offs to it a lot less exhausting than the weeks looking after a 6 year old and 4 year old.

I also find I am a nicer parent for having some time focussed on something else.

But also I live in London so wraparound and holiday childcare isn't difficult to find so I don't find organising it especially stressful. DH books the wraparound (through school) and I spend a few minutes a year booking holiday clubs

There is no moral value attached to WOH v SAH. It's just a choice. Choosing to SAH is by far the riskier choice when it comes to long term financial security, but many people feel the benefits outweigh the risks and that the risks can be mitigated to some extent. It's very, very dependent on personal circumstances and personalities.

I always wanted a career. WOH meant that when XP and I split up, I had an income and could support us. For me it was the right choice. My DSis had a job rather than a career and chose to SAH. With two disabled children and a husband that earned multiples of what she did, it was undoubtedly the right choice for her. We're both happy for very different reasons because our circumstances are completely different.

I'm sure you're an intelligent woman who will weigh up the pros and cons and make the best decision for you.

At the end of maternity leave you basically have to choose either to rely on the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with to look after you financially, or to rely on people you’ve never met to look after your child physically/emotionally. There’s no right answer really but that’s what it comes down to.

@ProvisionsOnTheDock i think this is what’s a bit confusing (to me) as I’m relying on DH whether I work or not, because even if I work FT after two lots of childcare (second baby) there isn’t much left, certainly not enough to live on.

@WithTheHatToMatch i guess I have never struggled with how to fill my time, the opposite really. There’s so many lovely things to do that work gets in the way of that!

I think it depends on your financial position. I'm on mat leave too and having similar feelings. I would love to be a SAHM with a side hustle but it would be too much of a gamble for us I think. I've decided to go back three days a week and taken quite a large demotion so I have less work responsibilities to worry about. I really just want to enjoy and be there for baby whilst he's little. No idea what I'll do once he's at school.

That’s pretty disingenuous. Why would you be relying on people you’ve never met for childcare? Most people do a lot of research and visiting around, and a slow bedding-in of their child. By the time DS first spent a full day at his childminder, a neighbour who’d looked after half the village, she was like one of the family. And those people look after your child eight or nine hours a day. Whereas you seem to be equating it with handing over complete economic responsibility for supporting you and your child to the father of said child and crossing your fingers it lasts?

A lot of parents manage to work PT/flexibly around one another.

This is not an all or nothing decision between a glittering career and being a stay at home parent. You need to ensure your own and your kids financial security. Your partner may pass away, or more likely you will get divorced and have to financially fend for yourself. You don’t have to invest as much time and energy into your career as you might have done without kids but you would be taking an unnecessary risk with yours and your kids future if you decide to become financially dependent. And no you are not financially dependent either way because you both need to contribute to childcare costs! You will be financially dependent if you get yourself into a position when you cannot earn sufficient to fund your own lifestyle if needed.

What job do you do OP? Is there the opportunity to go part time?

It's a shame that you felt those were the only choices available to you.

This is not an all or nothing decision between a glittering career and being a stay at home parent

I’m not so much posting about my personal decision though as after that. I am part time at the moment and whether I stay part time or give up altogether my career is affected. I’m just wondering if anyone does actually pursue a career post kids?

I pursue a career post kids! I find my career fulfilling and yes there are compromises but my children have 2 parents and it is up to both of us to provide for them financially, practically and emotionally.

That’s really interesting @Rocket1982, how old were you? Just decade is fine!

Ok well if that's your question, yes some women do

I have had several promotions since my first was born

Yes. Had 4 years at home and now back at work, kids are 6&8.

I have a wfh role and I love it. My salary started at £20k and is now £42k. I love having something that I’m proud of, am good at and that challenges me and helps me to grow and learn in a way that hobbies/the gym can’t come close to.

it’s a personal decision but I’d be bored shitless without work and I love having more money.

Also, I am part time as well - four days a week. That's not a barrier to career progression in my line of work

I've just quit my job at the end of mat leave and started working in a supermarket. It's perfect for me, only do 4 x 4 hour shifts a week that are early morning or late night, the money is good, it's not very mentally taxing but I find it rewarding and enjoy it. And the free food is a huge huge bonus, saving so much on the food shopping every week!

Oh, I could fill my time, too, if I didn’t work . My career isn’t really about that, it’s about money. That’s the reality. I happen to quite enjoy it, too, though, so that’s a bonus.

My own experience was giving up a glittering (although not that well paid) media career and staying at home with my kids for a short time (2 years not working at all, 2 years doing very part time freelance stuff), then retraining and doing a ‘job’ rather than a career that suited me for a good decade while kids were young (term time only, no over time and I quite enjoyed it, but wasn’t massively invested and certainly not ambitious).

This has turned into a career now my kids are late teens and I realise that I need to work, so might as well do something that earns me as much money as possible. I’m senior management now and it’s manageable, mostly quite enjoyable and the holidays and pension are decent. I work to live, though. I’ll never be as ambitious as I was pre-kids, and I’m OK with that.

DH has always massively out earned me, so my salary when the kids were growing up wasn’t really ‘needed’ and a lot went on childcare, but I just couldn’t square having no financial contribution or independence long term.

Ultimately, you and your DH have to both be happy with whatever you decide, I suppose that’s the thing.

I’ve had a lengthy career break, for various reasons, and now am struggling to get back in the game.
As a minimum I would suggest some kind of part time or voluntary position that means you stay up to date with technology- even if it’s a fairly lowly job. You don’t know what the future holds, and at some point you may need to work again.

I had my DC late 30s, I had a career beforehand, and I have a career now. Granted, it went slower than it would have if I hadn’t had kids (2 maternity leaves and part timer since having kids). What you do is your choice, but for me, staying st home full time was not an option, for my mental health, my financial security and independence, and yes, also our lifestyle.

I am actually concentrating more on my career now after having a DC. Admittedly my working hours mean I can work almost full time and still have 2 days a week off with him. But I enjoy what I do and want to progress, and want to earn more money to give him the financial security I never had growing up/be able to help him financially as a young adult.

I worked in legal sector until I had my eldest, when I was 25. I now have three DC and am pregnant with number 4.

I didn’t go back to work, but as you can imagine, I am pretty busy! Also DH works abroad for weeks at a time. I don’t miss it or regret it at all, but I am not dependent on DH financially so I think that makes a difference to me psychologically.

I will possibly set up my own business doing something when the children are older, but I’m not worried about that now.

Do what is best for you OP. It’s your life you’re living.

I imagine four children is a career in itself! I’ll probably go back for two days, reluctantly admittedly, but I am definitely holding my career back (if I wanted one) and I doubt I’d be hugely desirable if I was to try to advance in my late 40s. I guess if you have your children in your twenties it’s different.

The thing is, it's all so personal.

You will get people who simply dont want to be at home with their kids all day, they want to go back to work. And they can not understand why others dont want the same and for them, of course its best to go back, they need to do what is best for them.

Then you get people who can simply not understand missing those years with their child and want to stay at home to be with them and of course that is whats best for them.

Then there are some who don't have the choice (either way) they tend to be a bit shouty about justifying their choices, but the truth of the matter is, You are only here once and if you have the luxury of choice, use it, and choose what life you and your family want. Do what makes you and your family the healthiest and happiest.

You can have people on here telling you one way or the other, its irrelevant providing you know the pros and cons of each, its a personal choice.

I know some peoplw who have had their kids later on and not gone back to their old job of years, and worked more family friendly hours, and i know some people who have jumped right back into work. Some have thought one thing and changed their minds, its not a permanent choice.

I’m just wondering if anyone does actually pursue a career post kids?

Of course they do.

I continued to pursue a career because I enjoyed my job and I want to be financially secure now and in the future.

I’ve stepped off the ladder and am all the happier for it.

For me personally it was just too much.