In not having a career?

[Longandmistylane]

I am currently on maternity leave and weighing up whether to go back or not. I am wondering about this because so often on here I see women told they have 30/40 years left of working life after their children start school, but having small children at home for 4-6 years and then pursuing a career for the next however many whilst juggling school pick ups and drop offs and holidays (if you don’t work in a school or other educational setting) feels absolutely exhausting to me. I know it partly depends on how old you are - I’m pretty old to have young kids so that might be it, while I have friends who had children in their early/mid twenties so that makes sense. But AIBU not to be thinking of pursuing a glittering career in my 40s/50s?

I don’t recognise this idea of boredom once children have ‘grown’. There is a whole world waiting out there for a woman finished with parenting to pursue. So many options paid and unpaid.
I certainly wouldn’t let the idea you might be bored at some point stop you from raising your own children if you can afford to, and enjoy your life at home.
Make a plan - ensure you are secure. We only have one life.

If you don’t want to return and financially don’t need too, don’t.

We never know what's going to happen. I had a career whilst raising 2 children but my third has Sen, this also coincided with my parents and grandparents needing a lot of support. So I gave up my career as I had a lot going on at home. I now have a job I love but it's pocket money really.

Well there is an underlying assumption here which is two fold:

• that by default YOU have to step up and therefore YOUR salary goes into childcare. Childcare is a joint expense.
• The other assumption is that for the benefit of your children it is YOUR career that must take a backseat.

In our case we BOTH took a little bit of a back seat. DH cut down his hours and didn’t go for some/many opportunities. I also cut down my hours. This meant that our kids didn’t spend hours in childcare, we both did housework equally but also my career didn’t nosedive. And this was despite the fact that given the nature of our jobs (he’s a doctor in the US and I am an academic in the humanities) he outearns me. The value of my job/career wasn’t just the actual dollars to him. Also he’s an adult and I treat him as such. When I leave the kids with him to travel he doesn’t need a manual. The mental load isn’t mine also- my husband used to be on the school PTA till last year. Apparently even in 2023 this is so unusual that people keep complimenting him (never me!).

Our kids are 7 and 12. We have both had multiple promotions in the last 3-4 years. I do have a career not just a job, as does he. This idea that women are in the workforce only till they have kids, and should not ever aspire to do anything fulfilling…because…kids…is so damaging.

I went very part time for 10 years when they were little, then p/t until all at high school and now f/t but WFH so here most days. Weirdly I have what has turned into a career, totally different from what started off in. Love it and am much better paid. It grew out of a project I volunteered and led whilst not working!
Feel very privileged to have had the time with the kids when small as now they don't want to be around me much as teens!

The biggest part of my career has been post kid, but I'm a lone parent so had no choice. No regrets I absolutely love my career and earn 6 figures.

What I will say is I see countless women in here financially fucked over because they didn't work and are then left with a tattered opportunity to earn decent money and pensions because their DH decided to divorce.

You do you. I had to go back to work because of money. I had a ‘career’ I guess but went back part time and really felt like opportunities stalled because of it- any possible promotions were full time.

After a couple of years I left and did a ‘job’ where o just clocked in and out. I did this around my husbands work hours part time so actually we weren’t much worse off financially because zero childcare costs. I really liked it but it came with a zero hours contract, last minute rotas etc. then moved to an unqualified job in the NHS which was sort of the best of both worlds- no thinking about it after work and proper contract however terrible money.

I’ve gone back to uni and retrained to another ‘career’ . To be honest I think I enjoyed my unqualified jobs more- less paperwork etc. but the £££s in this are better.

if I had my way and money wasn’t a thing I would 100% go back to soemthing like my unqualified nhs job. But needs must.

in short everything has its pros and cons. You do you. I am glad I went back to work although if my husband had earned 20k more i’m not sure I would have….

I felt very similar to you OP when I had my first child at 33. I took a step back and went part time and had several discussions about giving up totally. My heart wasn’t in it and I just didn’t care about being ambitious. I had some, what I consider to be good, advice from an aunt and my mum about ensuring I kept something for me. At the time I wasn’t totally on board with it but fell pregnant again (at 36) and stayed for the maternity pay.

fast forward to 2nd child turning 18 months and life as I knew it went out of the window as had to leave exH. He was the main earner but turns out financially unreliable due to his (hidden for 7 years) addictions.
I am now back full time and focusing on building my career. I’m about to turn 40. I’ve realised that I never want to be totally financially dependent on anyone ever again. My children and I deserve as much stability as I can provide and I’m the only one I can totally depend on because you never truly know what’s around the corner.

I building my career because I believe it’s the best for my children, and me! I’ve also realised how much I needed it for myself. I get satisfaction from my work and I really don’t regret staying in work.

only you can make the decision but I think it’s important to have a balanced perspective. You may not feel this way forever. The early years are tough but it does, in my experience at least, get easier. I will say though that I’m not prepared to tip the scales too far in the favour of work over family life. As the main parent, with a not very helpful coparent I need to ensure I still have enough in the tank after work for my kids and for me.

good luck with making your decision. And remember if things change and you do need to get back to work then that’s what you’ll do.

You can get a balance, its not all or nothing. I work part time and still have a career! Yes I've progressed a bit slower than if I'd been full time but I don't want to be a 'high flyer' anyway and it's worth it to be around to be with the kids more.

Yanbu. Absolutely do what makes you happy. It depends on circumstances for a lot of people and you will get differing answers/opinions.

im quite happy at the current point in my career and don’t see myself progressing for a long time. I did consciously strive to get to a point where I am quite well paid and with less stress prior to have children so that is a factor for me. Had I not got to this point in my career I’m sure I would feel differently.

So I had my first at 32 and my second will arrive as I turn 34, I was a nursery nurse before, level 3 room leader. I’m not going back to work any time soon I’ve never been happier than being a stay at home mum and honestly with nursery fees I honestly wouldnt be contributing much to the household, luckily my husband has a good job and he agrees the best place for me to be is with the children, my LO still goes nursery 1 day a week so he’s not missing out on that life and I can get on with decorating etc as we have a fixer upper house. Honestly when I think about maybe going back to work when they’re in school I don’t think I’d go back to the nursery so it would mean starting over again and that idea just exhausts me so I’m just taking it one day at a time, I’ve got a few years to figure it out so I’m just going enjoy my time with my child soon to be children for now 💙 you’re definitely not being unreasonable, your perspective can change when you have children, best thing is chat to your partner about it 💙

Not unreasonable at all, do what works for you and your family.

It’s a personal decision between a family, there’s no right or wrong choices for individual families, however I think it’s not quite fair to suggest people don’t continue to pursue a career in their 30’s and 40’s.

I was 39 when I had DD (although we don’t have multiple kids which makes logistics easier), I’ve been part time for 4 years and will go back to 5 days a week early next year when I get promoted into my manager’s role. No idea how or whether it will work out for us but we’ll cross that proverbial bridge when we come to it.

You’re not being unreasonable if you don’t want to work and can afford not to. Each to their own. I went back to work on a lower scale when my kids were in primary school, worked my way up the ladder and now in my 50’s earn a very good salary which pays for 3 foreign holidays a year, for cars for my kids when they passed their driving test, allows them to live rent free at home whilst they save up deposits for their own place and a house big enough for us all to live without being on top of each other. As I say, each to their own. I wouldn’t criticise one over the other personally.

Though if you don't work, there is plenty to do, work for me has provided me with opportunities and adventure that could not have been provided through volunteering or pleasing myself.

I find it strange that we automatically think that not working = at home with the kids all day.

I have a highly academic job and in all honesty I wish I didn't have to go back to work. I could have done a part time voluntary research role whilst spending time with the children.

I don't think I will work for long. I will probably end it once my training contract finishes. There is so much to do in the world I definitely won't get bored.

I would never give up work to care for my child full time because a) I would find that very dull b) I am very risk averse and you just don’t know what will happen to your marriage in future
and c) they’re not dependent on you for ever: better to have built a career and be able to focus on an intellectually stimulating job when they fly the nest.

There's more than one way to be a good parent

I gave up my career to be the flexible parent and I don’t regret it. Other very flexible working opportunities are out there you just have to be willing to retrain or go self employed.

OP I hear you. Having children plus a career always sounded beyond my rather low stress levels.

And not just me, I know all the extras that children bring to a working day in terms of pick ups, illness, doctor's etc would tip up the balance of my equally low stress loving DH.

I've had kids late so I do have previous skills I could resurface, but I feel positive about doing the family thing. It just works for us but one thing I would wish is for motherhood to be re-recognised in of itself. I've never worked harder.

If you don’t need the money, then who cares?

I enjoyed staying home when my three kids were smaller. When my yougest strated school i went back part-time because it is a bot boring to be home lest be homest. When my you gest was in Y6 i went back full time. I love it but it is really hard. I sometimes envy my friends who stay home or have a more felxible career because they have lower levels of stresses and can enjoy life a bit more. However my job is super interesting and i hope life will become easier as the kids grow up.
You could retrain perhaps to get a job in education and have the school holidays or you could work part-time

The only thing that strikes me about all the "do what makes you happy as long as you can afford it, we only have one life etc." is that the individual 'you' can't afford it (apart from maybe the 0.01% with sufficient inheritance to do so). That's the whole reason people work, because an individual can't support themselves, let alone children as well, without money coming from somewhere (realistically someONE) else, whether thats a partner or the state.

So it's not about "you" singular being able to afford it but the "you" plural, usually your partner and nobody seems to be factoring in whether they would be happy working 40 plus years without a break to support the rest of the family.

Apart from the fact that in the majority of the country you'd need a wage significantly higher than average to do so (the days where a single "normal" wage could support 4/5 people are generally long gone) when does the partner get time to volunteer or do their hobbies or any of these fulfilling things people are suggesting OP could fill her time with if she never goes back to work? What if the partner turns around aged 50 and says "hang on I've supported this family the last 20 years by myself, I'm retiring, it's your turn to cover us all."

Obviously if the partner is happy to do so then that's great, go ahead. But there's a lot of stress involved in being solely responsible for several other people, particularly if having to do so you need a well paid (and therefore often intense and stressful)job. Not to mention what happens if that sole provider gets too ill to work, dies early, or decides to leave the family.

It's not as easy as saying do what makes YOU happy...it should be a family decision that everyone is happy with. Including what's best for the kids...yes there could be benefits to having a parent being around for them whenever they are needed, who can attend all school hours events, and mean they don't need to spend long days in childcare...but there can also be benefits in having additional money in the household (not talking about spoiling kids but significant differences like having their own bedroom, affording hobbies, being supported through university) and seeing behaviours modelled i.e. women's careers are as important as men's.

Same for me. I always worked p/t after having my dc then when my ex husband decided to have an affair at work some years down the line, I found full time hours in a similar role so that I could support myself and the dc and buy him out of the family home. I also had another support network. I'd have been very stuck otherwise.

You don't have to have a "glittering career" but if you don't work at all, where do you plan to get the money you live off, and how will you afford to live in retirement with little/no pension?