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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not having a career?

136 replies

Longandmistylane · 27/10/2023 11:51

I am currently on maternity leave and weighing up whether to go back or not. I am wondering about this because so often on here I see women told they have 30/40 years left of working life after their children start school, but having small children at home for 4-6 years and then pursuing a career for the next however many whilst juggling school pick ups and drop offs and holidays (if you don’t work in a school or other educational setting) feels absolutely exhausting to me. I know it partly depends on how old you are - I’m pretty old to have young kids so that might be it, while I have friends who had children in their early/mid twenties so that makes sense. But AIBU not to be thinking of pursuing a glittering career in my 40s/50s?

OP posts:

Pooooochi · 31/10/2023 11:37

My sister is 44 and has primary aged kids and just moved to a new job, a rung up from where she was before. Ive got primary aged kids and i got promoted early this year to a v senior role.

Its not that big of a juggle. Instead of collecting them from the school classroom at 3.30, you or DH collect from the school after school club or childminder at 5.30/6.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 11:38

easylikeasundaymorn · 31/10/2023 11:20

The only thing that strikes me about all the "do what makes you happy as long as you can afford it, we only have one life etc." is that the individual 'you' can't afford it (apart from maybe the 0.01% with sufficient inheritance to do so). That's the whole reason people work, because an individual can't support themselves, let alone children as well, without money coming from somewhere (realistically someONE) else, whether thats a partner or the state.

So it's not about "you" singular being able to afford it but the "you" plural, usually your partner and nobody seems to be factoring in whether they would be happy working 40 plus years without a break to support the rest of the family.

Apart from the fact that in the majority of the country you'd need a wage significantly higher than average to do so (the days where a single "normal" wage could support 4/5 people are generally long gone) when does the partner get time to volunteer or do their hobbies or any of these fulfilling things people are suggesting OP could fill her time with if she never goes back to work? What if the partner turns around aged 50 and says "hang on I've supported this family the last 20 years by myself, I'm retiring, it's your turn to cover us all."

Obviously if the partner is happy to do so then that's great, go ahead. But there's a lot of stress involved in being solely responsible for several other people, particularly if having to do so you need a well paid (and therefore often intense and stressful)job. Not to mention what happens if that sole provider gets too ill to work, dies early, or decides to leave the family.

It's not as easy as saying do what makes YOU happy...it should be a family decision that everyone is happy with. Including what's best for the kids...yes there could be benefits to having a parent being around for them whenever they are needed, who can attend all school hours events, and mean they don't need to spend long days in childcare...but there can also be benefits in having additional money in the household (not talking about spoiling kids but significant differences like having their own bedroom, affording hobbies, being supported through university) and seeing behaviours modelled i.e. women's careers are as important as men's.

I couldn't agree more.

How the other person may feel about being solely financially responsible for the whole family often seems to be an afterthought. Not to mention, like you said, what about if they want to volunteer, have a hobby or go part time?

It's a reason why both of us will always work if we are physically able to. I feel like it could easily lead to resentment otherwise.

vivainsomnia · 31/10/2023 11:44

There's no right or wrong. It's about where and when you want to invest and reducing the risk of any regrets.

I opted to invest in a career. I'm now mid 50s and oh so relieved I did. I am financially comfortable and it is so nice not to have to worry about money, to be able to spend without counting and to be looking at retiring soon in a good position to make the most of it.

Do I wish I had spent more time with my kids? Yes, of course, but all in all, I definitely have no regrets. My kids grew up happy and settled and are now doing well as young adults. It is nice to be able to spend more time with them now, to be able to help them financially if they need it and for them to have to worry about me and focus on their life.

There really is no right and wrong, and ultimately, we have to make decisions not knowing what the future holds for us.

mouche202 · 31/10/2023 12:06

Well said @easylikeasundaymorn . I have been from time to time the sole earner and the stress of it has been considerable. Of course I was grateful that at least I was working and thus able to cover household expenses when my husband was unemployed. But I was also incredibly resentful of his ability to sleep in, do hobbies etc. And that was for less than a year and with him doing everything he could to find a job. I think I would have imploded under the pressure and resentment if it had gone on for 20 years!

PizzaPastaWine · 31/10/2023 13:31

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 11:29

Same for me. I always worked p/t after having my dc then when my ex husband decided to have an affair at work some years down the line, I found full time hours in a similar role so that I could support myself and the dc and buy him out of the family home. I also had another support network. I'd have been very stuck otherwise.

Show quote history

@Sunshineandflipflops ...are you me?!

I remember walking around my house the day I bought my ex out and thinking 'this is ALL MINE'. Best feeling in the world

cestlavielife · 31/10/2023 13:35

It depends
Are you married? Pension?life insurance?
Will family income be very low? Who will fund you and your kids?
Having $$ when kids older to support them thru uni etc is just as important
You will be responsible for your kids life long whether or not you outsource care and education some hours per day.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 13:47

PizzaPastaWine · 31/10/2023 13:31

@Sunshineandflipflops ...are you me?!

I remember walking around my house the day I bought my ex out and thinking 'this is ALL MINE'. Best feeling in the world

Show quote history

Ha! I think unfortunately there are a lot of women in our situation. Couple decide to start a family, man feels put out and/or bored by family life and feels he deserves something more exciting so has an affair (usually with a younger woman from work). Boring cliche...

Melodyy · 31/10/2023 13:51

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 13:47

Show quote history

Half of the threads on MN is this exact scenario or Man is an A-hole and woman can't afford to leave so stay and suffer in marriage.

PizzaPastaWine · 31/10/2023 14:03

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 13:47

Show quote history

...and then the woman rises like a phoenix whilst he then jumps back into nappies, then the cycle repeats. Oh, and lives forever bitter because he is still making ridiculous life choices.

It's a well trodden path.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/10/2023 14:10

PizzaPastaWine · 31/10/2023 14:03

...and then the woman rises like a phoenix whilst he then jumps back into nappies, then the cycle repeats. Oh, and lives forever bitter because he is still making ridiculous life choices.

It's a well trodden path.

Show quote history

Hell yes! He is now on girlfriend number 3 (who ironically has a pre-schooler), renting a property and looking increasingly mid life crisis by the day! I am a home owner, settled in a long term relationship with a great man and pretty blooming happy!

JenJuni · 01/11/2023 15:53

Careers can be glittering but they can also involve long hours, responsibility without enough power to change anything, bullying bosses and making someone you don’t even know rich via your effort. I became disabled six years ago which affected my ability to work or have kids. I loved my career, I’d finally got a creative, rewarding job with a kind boss. But I cared about that SO MUCH LESS than likely losing the chance to have kids. Thank God feminism gave us access to better career opportunities, I wouldn’t be without it. But you’re allowed to care about what you care about.

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