In not having a career?

[Longandmistylane]

I am currently on maternity leave and weighing up whether to go back or not. I am wondering about this because so often on here I see women told they have 30/40 years left of working life after their children start school, but having small children at home for 4-6 years and then pursuing a career for the next however many whilst juggling school pick ups and drop offs and holidays (if you don’t work in a school or other educational setting) feels absolutely exhausting to me. I know it partly depends on how old you are - I’m pretty old to have young kids so that might be it, while I have friends who had children in their early/mid twenties so that makes sense. But AIBU not to be thinking of pursuing a glittering career in my 40s/50s?

Both DH and I have had a career promotion since DS1 was born (I was in my 30s), yes. I did then step out of the high pressure (Big 4 accountancy, partner track) career and went full time into a well paid industry job in order to avoid 50-60 hour weeks when DS2 was born.

I’d never have been happy as a SAHM and was lucky that my career pays well enough to cover an extraordinary childminder (who is still looking after DSs a decade later). I am still learning and doing new stuff in industry and, now DSs are a bit older, am beginning to look for another promotion.

I know plenty of other women in this kind of situation. As well as some who stayed at my old firm and have made Director or Partner since having their children. The thing they all have in common is a supportive partner and a willingness to pay properly for great childcare. The disasters I have seen seem to come when people try to do childcare on the cheap and then have a partner who won’t cover half of the sickness etc.

I don't have a career, I have a job that is currently part time and minimum wage but it puts money into the pot and gives me something outside of the family.

Pre kids I was aspiring to be a hotel manager but I realised pretty quickly that to get there it's a long, thankless and low paid task and almost impossible to do around a husband with a well paid career and children. I still work in hospitality but I found a great job that works around school hours and there is no commute as it's on the doorstep.

Sometimes I would like to have a career but I couldn't handle the pressure right now as well as everything else plus I haven't got a clue what I want to do.

If everything goes to shit and my marriage fails I'll have to go full time and top up with UC until the kids are old enough for me to look at better paying jobs. It's not ideal but at least I have something as well as a degree to try keep my foot in the door of the working world.

I imagine pp is talking about mothers, not parents in general. Those comments are rarely aimed at fathers.

Even then, I agree that it's a stupid comment.

I was in my 40s when DC started school. It would have been indeed very challenging to get back to what you call a glittering career at that age, with several years' gap on CV. As being financially independent is non-negotiable for me, I did not have that gap.

Oh and I don't think it's healthy to "put your all into your children".

I went back to work FT post maternity leave. DS went to a carefully chosen childminder and later nursery. DS (now 11) still remembers his carers in nursery with fondness. My salary has more than doubled from before he was born thanks to several promotions. My pension is in excellent shape. With increased responsibility has come increased job flexibility - for 5 years I have WFH and have been able to do most school pickups, attend almost every school event etc. DS and I spend lots of time together and I am able to afford lots of nice days out, hobbies for him etc.

Working full time with a baby was very hard to begin with and almost half our household income went on childcare. But it worked out really well for us.

But like others have said, it depends on you and your approach to life. I am risk averse and never wanted to put our financial security and future entirely in the hands of my husband. If I was unhappy with a childminder or a nursery, I could have found a better one. If I had no job, and no recent experience, and my husband got ill, lost his job, or left us, I would have been up the creek without a paddle!

yeah we have friends like that
I think it’s stumped there kids growing into independent adults
and they just seem quite lost without a purpose

I’m just wondering if anyone does actually pursue a career post kids?

I had a career pre dc but it didn't work with dc. I then got a job for 14 hours a week on crap pay but I was promoted twice & increased my hours to 24 & I have a career.

I also think as pp have said, dc grow up & have their own lives so it's important to have an identity outside of your family & as a couple outside of your dc. Now you don't necessarily need work to do that but it works for me. I have my own wants & aspirations.

I’m just wondering if anyone does actually pursue a career post kids?

Yes - me. Now my kid is a teen and I'm on close to £150K pa. I'm glad I stuck with a career post baby 🤷‍♀️

@easylikeasundaymorn I suppose what I mean isn’t so much the people who have children and carry on working throughout at the same level and maybe obtaining promotions - I get that.

For me though, and many others we may continue working but taking a ‘step back’ often with part time work. It’s generally considered temporary and the view I’ve seen expressed on here is that you can go back to establishing a career as you have 30/40/50 years left. I do understand that if you’ve had your children very young but if you were (say) 33 when you had your first and your last at 35, then you’d be 40 when both are at school. Clambering the career ladder and exploring promotions and extra work with primary aged kids sounds exhausting to me! But it could be that I am very much enmeshed in preschool children and their lives and maybe it is possible!

well it isn’t, but you don’t have to have one OP, depending on what you can afford.

If you have that privilege then why not.

I know for me when I’m not working I end up volunteering and getting involved in stuff (even if it’s the PTA) so I enjoy work and have managed to pave a career that is child friendly to an extent.

See how it goes, if you don’t see the need to go back to work - then don’t. I’m sure you will find things to pick up when they get older and start school.

I’m in my early 40s - after having my children a bit later - and while I worked throughout, I have been promoted many times since having children and am working towards my next promotion now. I don’t think it’s especially tiring.

@Longandmistylane
I think when you are actually on mat leave and dealing with a small baby, you're very likely to feel overwhelmed and not be able to picture taking on more, but the picture can change.

When I had my kids, I was employed but my job was not going at all well. Maternity leave was a massive relief. I considered not going back, and after my second, I didn't. However, I knew not working forever wasn't an option. My husband has chronic health problems and wasn't working then - and he still isn't (and is unlikely to).

I was incredibly lucky to have some severance from the previous job which gave me some time to think, regroup, do a little retraining and wait for a job more closely aligned with what I'd always wanted to do (but my previous job was not providing). I've had two jobs since and my current one is what I really wanted, so yeah, career progression. I'm sufficiently specialist that I'd have to move again to progress and I don't rule it out. I'm happy where I am for now as I have a short commute, flexible hours and can do the morning school run.

You'll find something that works for you. It may not be exactly what you think you want now, and that's OK.

I took 2 x 11 months maternity leave with each kid and have tried working 4 dpw on two occasions (6 months each). But otherwise have worked continuously and full time from 22 to 46. I have continued to be promoted throughout and now have a very well paid but all consuming job. We have gotten used to the lifestyle it affords. But, I spend a small fortune on childcare, cleaners, handymen etc and I don't see my kids enough and I am totally knackered. I am not really coping - perimenopause or maybe my values have changed and I just don't align with city life anymore. So I suspect I will give it up eventually.... but what's sad is that I have so missed of my kids lives and I have absolutely no idea what I will do with mine now. So it is perfectly possible to be a mum and have a prosperous career - I am just not sure it makes you happy. And in my case, I now have two kids at secondary school and am totally burnt out and wondering "what next?" Which is no different to if I had been a SAHM during primary school. Not sure this helps you!

I had no choice as my husband is a very low earner. I juggled WFH, breastfeeding, international travel etc because my mum helped out. It’s doable if you can WFH and in order to do the school run get ahead of yourself and get work done whilst kids are asleep

I will always remember a friend saying to me who is happily married. Prepare for the unexpected and always have your "escape plan", you never know what will happen in the future.

As long as you are not dependent on another and can afford to, I would say go for it.

YANBU at all - but remember you could have 15+ years in a less than exciting job and (sorry to be glum) but how do you know you will still be with your partner and not need the money and pension?

I poured my heart and soul into bringing up my kids (and still do to be honest, when they're here). I returned to work when the youngest was 8 but only to a low stress, part-time school administrator role. Ten years on, with both at uni, I am feeling a bit underskilled and lost that I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my working life. I have another 15+ years until I get my state pension.

Bringing up kids is the most wonderful job but don't forget to look out for yourself too.

If you are married, financially comfortable and have carefully worked out in the event of divorce you could manage well.
You have assets, qualifications and skills that could be redeployed if needed.

Your dh supports you caring for your children - it’s a job in itself let’s not forget, then stay at home and have the life you want. Why wouldn’t you?

Assuming you are an older mother, maybe a glittering career is not what you are looking for at all at this point. You have worked already for many years, and now look to enjoy your children and life at home.

My dc are 16 and 18 and I am studying to have a career I always wanted (will be very part time) I qualify next year. You can still change direction later in life if you want to, or wind down in your 50s. it’s up to you if finances allow.

I have found it to be quite liberating at this point - I was lucky to be a sahm for many years.

I was absolutely adamant that I would continue with my very successful career after returning from Maternity leave, there was no doubt about it. I handed in my notice once my first born turned 4 Months. Motherhood changed me in such a significant way I wasn't the same person and my plans turned upside down. Don't regret it for a second, I now have two DC and a lovely part time Job in a completely different sector. But I'm happy, I go to work, do my set hours and come home - nothing more and it's perfect

I’ve seen posts whereby the children are grown and the mum is then bored and lonely. If it works for you and you can afford it, it’ll make you happy then yes.
You still get a job if you change your mind, but it may be harder to get something interesting/well paid.
DM was a sahm, my dad had a good job and when they got married she quit her job after around two years. She had me ten years later. The only thing she regrets is being unable to make new friends, she was too shy to attend classes, couldn’t drive, we lived remotely so she was pretty stuck.

I worked part time for about 15 years which was a nice balance when the children were little. Now they are older teens my career is quite glittery! But, I had both children before 35.

It is good to have interesting work to go back to and it's good role modelling for older children. Plus, what on earth would I do all day?