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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
Sureaseggs44 · 27/10/2023 11:46

If the event is outside the house then attend the event but stay elsewhere.

Elphame · 27/10/2023 11:46

As I would far rather spend time with my dogs than with DP's obnoxious family, I would happily stay home with my dogs myself rather than have an allergic person who does want to go miss out.

You need to talk to them.

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:48

BrownTableMat · 27/10/2023 11:40

It’s not about whether dogs trump humans. It’s about the commitments you’ve made. When you have a dog in the house you are entirely responsible for its welfare. Many dogs are sensitive creatures and easily get upset, traumatised or sick because they just want to be with their human(s) and don’t have the capacity to understand why they are being sent elsewhere.

My little dog would never cope in kennels because she needs to be around people. So when I go away she stays with friends or with home boarders. But it’s not always possible to find someone to have her, especially at short notice. And as she gets older and more frail she finds it harder to be away from me for long periods anyway, so I’m increasingly having to factor in holidays in the uk where I can take her with me. By the way, she’s a normal happy dog whom I’ve had from a puppy, albeit of a breed known to be particularly in need of close human contact.

You could say none of these considerations should be put above the needs of any humans in my life, and I can see that argument. But if I were to say “she’s just a dog” and leave her in unsuitable care or chuck her into the car or garden all day (where she’d bark and cry) I’d return to a traumatised dog who would probably be refusing to eat, really unwell to the point of vomiting and diarrhoea, and desperately unhappy for a long while afterwards - maybe permanently. And I have committed to look after her for the 10-15 years she will have on this earth. And I love her.

So for me, saying my dog matters even if this means I can’t always accommodate the legitimate needs of family or friends (thankfully this rarely happens but it does sometimes) is against this background - I don’t want to do possibly permanent damage to an animal whose welfare is entirely my responsibility.

I can't put one of mine in kennels either. The silly mutt refuses to eat and basically goes into hunger strike until I pick her up again. She's not so bad at home with a dog sitter, but she's a sensitive soul and I prefer to take her with me rather than entrust her care to someone else. Plus it's actually really difficult to find good reliable dog sitters anyway.

It's obvious from these type of posts that a lot of people just don't understand how much dog lovers care for their dogs and how much they really are part of the family.

Nosleepforthismum · 27/10/2023 11:50

Ah OP, I feel for you. My DH is the same with the dog allergy and asthma. Your DH needs to have a word with his family to ask that either the dogs stay at home or (if your allergies can handle this) the dogs are confined to a hard floored area - you can do this with baby gates- and the garden. They are not allowed on the furniture or in the bedrooms. If they can’t do this then I really don’t think you can go.

OneTC · 27/10/2023 11:54

How many people own the 4 dogs?

PinkLemons99 · 27/10/2023 11:57

We have a family pet dog but I’ve never taken the dog on holiday, he goes into kennels.

Surely if you’re aware that one member of the group has an allergy to dogs, you book kennels or a dog sitter for your pet?

I think people who treat their dogs as mini humans and prioritise the dog over other family members are a bit unhinged, like my old neighbour. She regularly posts about her deceased dogs as well as her current dogs on Facebook and has birthday cakes made for them etc.
Absolutely crackers. 🤪

DogInATent · 27/10/2023 11:59

PinkLemons99 · 27/10/2023 11:57

We have a family pet dog but I’ve never taken the dog on holiday, he goes into kennels.

Surely if you’re aware that one member of the group has an allergy to dogs, you book kennels or a dog sitter for your pet?

I think people who treat their dogs as mini humans and prioritise the dog over other family members are a bit unhinged, like my old neighbour. She regularly posts about her deceased dogs as well as her current dogs on Facebook and has birthday cakes made for them etc.
Absolutely crackers. 🤪

Don't get me started on people with children...

/sarcasm

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 12:03

PinkLemons99 · 27/10/2023 11:57

We have a family pet dog but I’ve never taken the dog on holiday, he goes into kennels.

Surely if you’re aware that one member of the group has an allergy to dogs, you book kennels or a dog sitter for your pet?

I think people who treat their dogs as mini humans and prioritise the dog over other family members are a bit unhinged, like my old neighbour. She regularly posts about her deceased dogs as well as her current dogs on Facebook and has birthday cakes made for them etc.
Absolutely crackers. 🤪

That's not really normal though! I also know someone who does this, and even as a dog lover myself, it is a bit....nuts. Quite (unintentionally) funny though.

lilyblue5 · 27/10/2023 12:03

YANBU. I love dogs but if I were allergic I would not go. Stay elsewhere.
I am massively allergic to cats and would not stay in a cat house.

commonground · 27/10/2023 12:08

I am pro-dog but I am anti-my dog making others feel uncomfortable (no matter what their issue is).

I would absolutely not bring my dog to this event and I'm sorry that is happening. That said, if you are super-allergic, I am not sure a dog-friendly cottage is a great idea anyway.

You can't control other people, only yourself, so you can't ask for them to keep the dogs outside.

If you really can't attend (and I sympathise, DD is horribly allergic to cats and we have had a couple of difficult and uncomfortable weekends in cat-friendly houses) you will have to decline, but say exactly why - and hope they might reconsider bringing the dogs. They have a year to sort it.

RampantIvy · 27/10/2023 12:22

I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.

You either decline the invitation or stay elsewhere. Anything else is not an option. If they kick up a fuss they are being totally unreasonable.

BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 12:22

I feel a bit sorry for @MrsPatrickDempsey now, who has innocently posted twice about a family-related dilemma this morning, and is now going to come back to hundreds of very polarised posts where everyone's invented details of the exact severity of her allergy, her relationship with her in-laws, and how many DC she has!

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 12:22

If the event is in summer can you stay in a tent/caravan. So you are outside rather than the dogs...

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2023 12:26

HUMANS NEEDS TRUMP DOGS NEEDS ALWAYS, NO EXCEPTIONS

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2023 12:27

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 12:22

If the event is in summer can you stay in a tent/caravan. So you are outside rather than the dogs...

@Halfemptyhalfling

errr no! Why should she?!

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/10/2023 12:27

PinkLemons99 · 27/10/2023 11:57

We have a family pet dog but I’ve never taken the dog on holiday, he goes into kennels.

Surely if you’re aware that one member of the group has an allergy to dogs, you book kennels or a dog sitter for your pet?

I think people who treat their dogs as mini humans and prioritise the dog over other family members are a bit unhinged, like my old neighbour. She regularly posts about her deceased dogs as well as her current dogs on Facebook and has birthday cakes made for them etc.
Absolutely crackers. 🤪

Who are you to judge what your neighbour does and to laugh about it?

If it makes her better, then why not let her?

PrestonHood121 · 27/10/2023 12:33

4 dogs would do me in. People that aren’t allergic like we are just don’t get it. “Oh we’ll make sure he doesn’t jump on you.” “Oh he’s hypoallergenic.” I would be miserable with one dog for a short time so it would be a “I will have to miss - my allergies are too severe” from me.

Fusterclucked · 27/10/2023 12:38

I would decline the invite and explain that it’s because of the dogs and your allergies. Then you will find out whose company they value more.

McIntire · 27/10/2023 12:40

Say you can’t go and see what happens

ClematisBlue49 · 27/10/2023 12:59

So much depends on how close or distant a relative the OP is to the family members making the arrangements. But, generally, in this situation I would decline the invite, as I wouldn't feel comfortable if the family wanted to bring their dogs for a weekend in the country, but couldn't because of one person's allergy. If they offered to change the arrangements for my benefit, I'd thank them for the offer, but still decline, as they clearly want to spend the time with their dogs around them and I'd feel I was spoiling it for them.

Sloth66 · 27/10/2023 13:02

BIossomtoes · 27/10/2023 10:29

We have two dogs and in this situation they’d be going into kennels. Ours charges £15 per day per dog and we factor that cost in when we make plans to be away from home. No way would I want to deal with the stress to the allergy sufferer, me or the dogs.

Thank you for being considerate and having some understanding of the issues

RampantIvy · 27/10/2023 13:04

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 12:22

If the event is in summer can you stay in a tent/caravan. So you are outside rather than the dogs...

Or perhaps the dog owners could do this with their pets that they are unable to be separated from for a few days?

Why should the OP with what could be a life threatening allergy have to inconvenience herself because other people are being selfish?

EtiennePalmiere · 27/10/2023 13:04

Will there be lots of young children? Hopefully they'll be well supervised. Anyways, I have a crippling dog phobia and would decline the invitation without a second thought because I'm not going to sacrifice myself for how they want their get-together to be.

WalkedInJustToWalkOut · 27/10/2023 13:06

*HUMANS NEEDS TRUMP DOGS NEEDS ALWAYS, NO EXCEPTIONS

Why are you shouting?

Decent people of course try to come to an arrangement that suits everyone and I certainly would.

But there is no ‘need’ here. OP doesn’t ‘need‘ to attend, as she wouldn’t be considering declining. It sounds like the event can go on without her. It may be more important to whoever’s event it is that others attend and if that means they bring their dog, they have the right to choose that.

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 13:23

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 11:48

I can't put one of mine in kennels either. The silly mutt refuses to eat and basically goes into hunger strike until I pick her up again. She's not so bad at home with a dog sitter, but she's a sensitive soul and I prefer to take her with me rather than entrust her care to someone else. Plus it's actually really difficult to find good reliable dog sitters anyway.

It's obvious from these type of posts that a lot of people just don't understand how much dog lovers care for their dogs and how much they really are part of the family.

Show quote history

No, it's not that people don't understand how invested some pet owners are, more than humans will always come first for many people.

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