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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 10:59

Familydynamics · 27/10/2023 10:56

I would decline and I'm not even allergic. Being in a house with 4 dogs is my idea of hell!

I'd love it. So we're all different.

I'm allergic to cats and have a cat, I just take an antihistamine. If you're that severely allergic to dogs that they're a trigger to asthma, then staying in a house that normally accomodates dogs and thinking you can just put them outside and you'll be fine wouldn't be safe anyway. So either the OP isn't as allergic as she says she is, or she's taking a gamble with her health going at all.

Miyagi99 · 27/10/2023 11:00

DiscoBeat · 27/10/2023 09:28

Kennel and board for 4 dogs is £200-400 a day
If this person has chosen to have 4 dogs then presumably they will have factored in the occasional boarding cost, unless they've decided never to attend out of town weddings and funerals. They could try to get a house sitter for much less.

Not necessarily, I had a dog for 16 years, she either came with us or stayed with dog loving relatives. We are also a dog family (like it seems Op Dh family is) so would book dog friendly accommodation. With a severe allergy she may not be able to stay in a dog friendly house even sans said hounds.

AngeloMysterioso · 27/10/2023 11:01

When did the whole world start revolving around dogs?! FFS.

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 11:02

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 10:48

Depends on the person surely. Is a dog more important than your kids -no, fine . Is my dog more important to me than a stranger- of course she is. It’s all a matter of degrees.

If I am going on holiday would I rather my dog accompany me or my cousins wife? Meh , sorry it would be my dog.

Show quote history

I agree.

My dog is way more important to me than strangers or distant family members.

My dog has lived in my home for 16 years and is part of my family.

Why would someone who I don’t know well come before my dog who I’ve seen nearly every day for the past 16 years.

I’ve personally always put my dog in kennels as it’s less stress but I wouldn’t now due to her old age and declining health.
So if there was a dog friendly event like this then i’d bring her along as she’ll just sleep in my room most of the time.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/10/2023 11:02

AngeloMysterioso · 27/10/2023 11:01

When did the whole world start revolving around dogs?! FFS.

Who says it's the whole world? Have you actually read the OP?

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 11:05

If this person has chosen to have 4 dogs then presumably they will have factored in the occasional boarding cost, unless they've decided never to attend out of town weddings and funerals. They could try to get a house sitter for much less.

They’re not necessarily one persons dog.

It could be 4 different people all bringing their dogs because that’s what they do regularly and why they booked pet friendly accommodation.

I know some people who take their dogs everywhere and it seems to run in families.

Or if it’s a wedding or something the bride and groom may want the dogs as part of it.

GuitarGeorgina · 27/10/2023 11:15

Of course YANBU.

As a dog owner, I don’t think keeping the dogs outside is an option. if dogs aren’t used to this they’re going to howl non-stop to come inside and probably damage the property in their attempts to get inside. Even though it’s in the middle of nowhere this can’t be an option - nobody will get any sleep and the the dog owners won’t want their dogs to be distressed,

DH’s family have to choose between the dogs or you.

in your shoes I’d suggest dh goes without you and enjoy the time at home on my own!

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 11:15

It sounds either you don't go or you get other accommodation.

If it's dog friendly accommodation, it's highly likely they'll be dog hair present in that property - even if the 4 family dogs don't go. I am not sure how you circumnavigate this.

CosimoPiovasco · 27/10/2023 11:18

Id stay nearby and meet up outside the property for a meal or something.
Or
If the family member know of your allergy ask them to put the dogs in kennels for the weekend.
Assuming they know of your allergy it’s rude to bring them.
It’s perfectly reasonable for you to say you can’t go because of the dogs.

EmmaEmerald · 27/10/2023 11:19

Who booked and organised all this?

I just wouldn't go.

Ghost01 · 27/10/2023 11:19

Urgh I’m seriously cringing at the PP referring to it as a ‘doggy family holiday’ ! Do people actually talk like that in real life ?!

Honestly OP there is no way I’d be going and I wouldn’t be sending the kids either. It’s so inconsiderate of them to have not considered your allergy and seems to me like they’re not that bothered about you coming. I find dog owners take it really personally if you aren’t a dog fan so even if they didn’t bring them, they’d probably all be really resentful and offended about it anyway

mn29 · 27/10/2023 11:23

Yanbu. A close family member has the same allergic reaction to dogs and it’s just awful to suffer in that way.

diddl · 27/10/2023 11:23

Even if Op could stay elsewhere & join in events at the other property that probably wouldn't work if 4 dogs have been roaming over all/most of it.

thesurrealist · 27/10/2023 11:25

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/10/2023 09:50

I really wish posters would stop with the tired Dogs Trump People trope.

My dogs are more important to me that a distant cousin or distant cousin's wife, and I'm sure that's the case for many others.

My dog trumps almost every human I know - including family. Luckily my friends are all doggy and so is the little bit of my family that I can be bothered with.

My dog is a joy to be around. My family...not so much.
My friends and I have a lifestyle that revolves around our dogs and they all tend to come if we meet up or have a weekend away in this country. The only time I leave him is if I go abroad - like Christmas when he'll be staying with his favourite pet sitter.

Stressedafff · 27/10/2023 11:33

I can’t wait til this batshit mentality around dogs dies out
It’s hell for allergy sufferers

TeenLifeMum · 27/10/2023 11:34

I have a severe allergy to balloons but I don’t make people not have balloons, I take my medication. Can’t imagine me asking them to ban balloons would go down well. Interesting that so many people think the allergy sufferer should be considered (never been my experience so I’ve adapted).

Desecratedcoconut · 27/10/2023 11:37

Have balloons ever triggered an asthma attack for you?

Mrsjayy · 27/10/2023 11:38

I also have a severe balloon/latex allergy I always inform people If I'm going to anything they may alter decorations for me I'm always grateful. If not I just try and stay away from them or leave early.

BrownTableMat · 27/10/2023 11:40

It’s not about whether dogs trump humans. It’s about the commitments you’ve made. When you have a dog in the house you are entirely responsible for its welfare. Many dogs are sensitive creatures and easily get upset, traumatised or sick because they just want to be with their human(s) and don’t have the capacity to understand why they are being sent elsewhere.

My little dog would never cope in kennels because she needs to be around people. So when I go away she stays with friends or with home boarders. But it’s not always possible to find someone to have her, especially at short notice. And as she gets older and more frail she finds it harder to be away from me for long periods anyway, so I’m increasingly having to factor in holidays in the uk where I can take her with me. By the way, she’s a normal happy dog whom I’ve had from a puppy, albeit of a breed known to be particularly in need of close human contact.

You could say none of these considerations should be put above the needs of any humans in my life, and I can see that argument. But if I were to say “she’s just a dog” and leave her in unsuitable care or chuck her into the car or garden all day (where she’d bark and cry) I’d return to a traumatised dog who would probably be refusing to eat, really unwell to the point of vomiting and diarrhoea, and desperately unhappy for a long while afterwards - maybe permanently. And I have committed to look after her for the 10-15 years she will have on this earth. And I love her.

So for me, saying my dog matters even if this means I can’t always accommodate the legitimate needs of family or friends (thankfully this rarely happens but it does sometimes) is against this background - I don’t want to do possibly permanent damage to an animal whose welfare is entirely my responsibility.

MaggieFS · 27/10/2023 11:40

If they all know, why didn't this come up when it was booked? Surely the chat should be 'hey, what's the plan for the dogs given MrsPD can't be indoors with them' or similar?

HoppingPavlova · 27/10/2023 11:40

There is no other option other than using a PA approach here. ‘Given my severe allergy to dogs, will they be snide or outside for this as this will determine whether we are able to stay or not’.

Dibblydoodahdah · 27/10/2023 11:41

TeenLifeMum · 27/10/2023 11:34

I have a severe allergy to balloons but I don’t make people not have balloons, I take my medication. Can’t imagine me asking them to ban balloons would go down well. Interesting that so many people think the allergy sufferer should be considered (never been my experience so I’ve adapted).

I would love to take medication that stopped me having an asthma attack…but antihistamines aren’t strong enough to prevent my allergic reaction to dogs. Lucky you if your medication works.

zurala · 27/10/2023 11:43

I can't believe the posts saying for your DH to go alone.

Nope.

I would expect my DH to decline the invitation for us as a family as we couldn't go due to the lack of consideration over the allergy. I'd also expect DH to be having words about the fact his family is prioritising dogs over him and his wife.

It's appalling and hurtful behaviour and would change the way I viewed his family.

BeeCucumber · 27/10/2023 11:43

Don’t go. The holiday is booked for the dog lovers and they haven’t considered your needs or don’t believe your allergy is that bad.

Ottersmith · 27/10/2023 11:45

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 08:57

The easiest thing is to ask? Is there anywhere outside the house, that can be set up as a temporary kennel? Do the dogs get on?

My nephew stayed with family who had the same issue. His cocker spaniel spent the night in the back of his 4wd. She had her toys, blankets, bed and water bowl. The back was left slightly open so she could get out if she wished. Parked up against brickwork to protect her from wind/cold.

She spent her time watching anyone who walked up the lane, and barked the alarm when the postman visited.

No way would I stick my dog in a car to please others.