Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 27/10/2023 10:39

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 10:33

Yes !

The dogs are as much part of their family as the op. ..they have planned a large family weekend, specifically choosing a dog friendly place so all the family can join. The op can choose to go or not. She can take anti histamines, she can stay in alternative accommodation and meet up as an when she wants.

She has been invited to a doggy family weekend. She has the option to accept or decline.

Show quote history

Ah yes, put your health at risk or decline a family weekend. Great options there because simply having to drive back and forth for how long and far, popping antihistamine, hoping that is enough is a great way to spend four days.

Her DH can choose whether to go to this event or stay with her if he wants.

Janiie · 27/10/2023 10:39

phoenixrosehere · 27/10/2023 10:06

This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.

Literally says this in the OP and posters are suggesting OP book another accommodation which solves nothing when she still has to go to the house where the dogs are going to be if that is where everyone will be the entire time.

Yes as if allergic responses only occur if you sleep in the same venue not just socialise in it.

You can't go op. I've no idea why folk take their dogs to these kinds of events even without a family member having a severe allergy.

We've always had dogs and I wouldn't take then to family get togethers. Use home boarders or kennels.

ClockHolly · 27/10/2023 10:39

What would you like to happen?

If you do want to go on the weekend away then you or DH should speak to them and say you’d love to come but can’t be around dogs so are people able to make other arrangements for them? Then the ball is in their court.

If you don’t really want to go then it’s fine to say sorry, you can’t be around dogs so won’t be coming.

Either way you ANBU and your needs should trump others desire to bring their dog. But think about what outcome you want first.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 27/10/2023 10:40

OP has stated DH's family are aware she has the severe allergy. They have already chosen their dogs as the priority. Just don't go OP and let your DH explain why, whilst making it clear dogs are not to trump his DW in future arrangements,or he won't be attending. Ask for your share to be refunded, if you paid without being told dogs were going - though you could of checked this before paying.

BIossomtoes · 27/10/2023 10:41

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 27/10/2023 10:40

OP has stated DH's family are aware she has the severe allergy. They have already chosen their dogs as the priority. Just don't go OP and let your DH explain why, whilst making it clear dogs are not to trump his DW in future arrangements,or he won't be attending. Ask for your share to be refunded, if you paid without being told dogs were going - though you could of checked this before paying.

Where does she say she’s paid anything or is expected to?

BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 10:41

My dog would panic and shit himself. He'd also howl the place down first. As I've said, though, if it was as family event I thought an in-law wouldn't want to miss out on, and should definitely be included in, I'd make other arrangements for him.

Re. in-laws knowing about the allergy though, they do know but may not realise how serious it is. If OP really can't be in a house where dogs and dog dander are around, then it sounds like even her DH doesn't realise how serious it is, since his suggestion is that she spend the weekend in a dog-friendly holiday home, just with these specific dogs kept outside. So it's not actually that terrible of her in-laws to not have realised that it won't be okay - they probably just think she and the dogs can be in different rooms, or not spend too much time together, or that she'll be able to take antihistamines. They all just need to have a discussion, based on what OP actually wants to do.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2023 10:42

People are so inconsiderate thinking it's acceptable to take dogs everywhere. I rarely allow dogs in my house and certainly not overnight.

BarnacleBeasley · 27/10/2023 10:43

(sorry, the above was aimed at the poster saying dogs would be fine outside because they were descended from wolves, but there have been 1 million posts in the meantime!)

user1471538283 · 27/10/2023 10:43

I am animal mad but there is no way on earth a dog or dogs trumps a human who will become sick because of them.

If the dogs are going you cannot. Tell them.

Bloom15 · 27/10/2023 10:44

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 27/10/2023 09:50

I really wish posters would stop with the tired Dogs Trump People trope.

My dogs are more important to me that a distant cousin or distant cousin's wife, and I'm sure that's the case for many others.

That is odd to me. Of course people are more important than dogs.

faffadoodledo · 27/10/2023 10:44

Two things:

As a dog owner I don't get the impulse some have to take their dogs everywhere, particularly if long distances are involved. Part of being a dog owner is getting great alternative holiday or emergency care in place. Is it too late to ask the dog owners if this can happen?

Also if you have a severe allergy I'd worry about staying in what is obvs a dog friendly place anyway. Fur lingers even if the cleaning is done super well. Are you ok with that OP?

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 10:44

Just don’t go. There’s no way they are going to shut their dogs outside for 4 days, that’s completely batshit.

they have booked a dog friendly break and accommodation. If there was one family with a dog going then you could probably play the allergy card and hope the owner booked alternative accommodation nearby, but with 4 groups bringing dogs- you can’t ask them ALL to make alternative arrangements. What are they supposed to do- all book alternative accommodation- then it would just end up you being in one place anyway!!

Janiie · 27/10/2023 10:46

user1471538283 · 27/10/2023 10:43

I am animal mad but there is no way on earth a dog or dogs trumps a human who will become sick because of them.

If the dogs are going you cannot. Tell them.

This!

Family members are more important than pets. Well, most. We know there are so many mumsnetters low contact or no contact who would disagree but if the op has been invited on the trip we can assume they normally have contact so therefore she should be prioritised over pets.

essexgirl8888 · 27/10/2023 10:46

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/10/2023 08:58

Telling people what to do with their dogs goes down like a lead balloon. I’d be telling people you can’t go, and why, and hope that they use common sense and offer to leave the dogs at home

This! But also if it's a dog friendly place then will there not have been dogs there already and you are saying a severe allergy am thinking it might not be a good idea to go anyway ? My sister is allergic and she doesn't even go to places where dogs have been as they leave hair etc

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 10:48

phoenixrosehere · 27/10/2023 10:39

Ah yes, put your health at risk or decline a family weekend. Great options there because simply having to drive back and forth for how long and far, popping antihistamine, hoping that is enough is a great way to spend four days.

Her DH can choose whether to go to this event or stay with her if he wants.

Show quote history

Exactly. She can choose to go or not. It's an invite not a.summons

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 10:48

Bloom15 · 27/10/2023 10:44

That is odd to me. Of course people are more important than dogs.

Show quote history

Depends on the person surely. Is a dog more important than your kids -no, fine . Is my dog more important to me than a stranger- of course she is. It’s all a matter of degrees.

If I am going on holiday would I rather my dog accompany me or my cousins wife? Meh , sorry it would be my dog.

MyEyesMyThighs · 27/10/2023 10:53

Could you hire a camper van and stay in it beside their house - maybe make a wee holiday of it and not have to pay towards the house you can't stay in?

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2023 10:53

I do think in this case it’s less about putting the dogs above a person and more about the wants/needs of the whole group over one person. If it was one couple wanting to bring their dog then I think yes absolutely within your rights to make the argument that they are prioritising that one dog over OP, but OP has said this is 4 people all bringing their dogs, it seems like it’s a break thats actually been planned and organised to allow taking the dogs, and it would inconvenience the entire rest of the group to have their dogs in boarding, not to mention the expense- it’s not fair for another poster who said well they should account for that expense when you have a dog. You choose how you account for your dog and trips away, they have accounted for the dog by booking dog friendly accommodation, they may not have had an extra £200+ to spend on putting the dog in boarding. They have all paid (I assume paid equally), it’s not fair to ask everyone to pay £200 each for their dogs to be boarded at this stage, or to say dogs must stay outside. I think the time for negotiating that was before it was booked, but even then if you have 4 families with dogs you’re probably going to be outnumbered. You’re not unreasonable not to go.

Also OP, it might be worth thinking about if you could stay at that accommodation even if the dogs stay behind/outside if your allergy is that severe. My dad also suffers with a severe allergy to dogs and can’t even be in a space where they have been as it’s almost impossible to fully get rid of every trace of the dogs, so if the accommodation is dog friendly in general then you may well find even without their dogs there it would be an issue for you

Janiie · 27/10/2023 10:54

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 10:48

Exactly. She can choose to go or not. It's an invite not a.summons

Show quote history

Of course it is an invite not a summons but if is beyond selfish and thoughtless to invite someone with a serious allergy to dogs and actually plan to take a load of dogs.

Spareus · 27/10/2023 10:55

I’m a dog lover/owner. I would say to the family, if the dogs come I can’t. It’s really that simple and I would be putting my dogs in kennels in that situation. Wouldn’t make someone else I’ll just to bring them, and I wouldn’t keep them outside if they aren’t used to it.

Familydynamics · 27/10/2023 10:56

I would decline and I'm not even allergic. Being in a house with 4 dogs is my idea of hell!

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 10:57

Janiie · 27/10/2023 10:54

Of course it is an invite not a summons but if is beyond selfish and thoughtless to invite someone with a serious allergy to dogs and actually plan to take a load of dogs.

Show quote history

No it isn't. The trip isn't planned round her. It may well be the case that they don't actually care whether she comes or not but thought it polite to invite her.

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 10:57

Is it possible for you to go but stay elsewhere?

Then you can go to the event but not need to stay in the house.

You could take anti-allergy meds and have your inhalers on hand etc but if they’re not helping then you can leave and do your own thing whilst DH stays at the event.

If the dogs aren’t used to be outdoors all day and night then it would be cruel to even suggest it.
It would be like suggesting you sleep in the garden instead.

Jesseweneedtocook · 27/10/2023 10:57

Humans > dogs.

I can't stand it when dogs are seen as trumping other peoples needs. You're severely allergic, either they ditch the dogs or you don't attend. Their choice 😙

BIossomtoes · 27/10/2023 10:59

Jesseweneedtocook · 27/10/2023 10:57

Humans > dogs.

I can't stand it when dogs are seen as trumping other peoples needs. You're severely allergic, either they ditch the dogs or you don't attend. Their choice 😙

I’d put money on them choosing the dogs when the choice of accommodation is based on them being there.