Should he stay or should he go?

[Howbadistoobad]

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

Is it me or does everyone just want a fight today on here ?

I am single and happy. I had a date, it it had progressed to a second a shag was on the cards .

I fancied him . I'm still single . You can date and stay single I think ?

Says the one poster who waded in on a thread and threw in an opinion completely disagreeing with every other poster

Yes but you said you were no happier single than you were when with your ex partner

I always thought the purpose of a forum was to discuss, and that maybe not everyone's opinion would be the same .

Now if he is so useless I find myself wondering how this has just dawned on op after 12 years and 3 kids .

I personally wouldn't get a divorce on the advice of a forum full of people who can dish out advice but rarely take it .

I don't get what you're getting at ! Yes I'm happier single than with my abusive violent ex . Correct . He was my last partner

My husband was a gentle soul who was a bit useless . That's not why we separated. Life was certainly easier with him . Being single is hard as an aging woman , financially it's harder , its sometimes lonely, that's not to say I would settle for any relationship over being single .

He sounds neurodiverse to me (lots of experience)

Harsh!!

I think he sounds autistic.

I also thinks he sounds autistic. But he’s also a father and has to learn coping strategies. ND women have to get on with it when they have children, they say women find it easier to mask but the truth is they are so forced into it in a way males aren’t that it makes it seem like ASD men cannot be expected to find the same coping mechanisms women do.

Start 'training' him now to be fully responsible for the children (in a positive, caring way) should you split up, become unwell or die.

This is just really awful - I can only think there are plenty of women who have similar problems with being on some sort of 'spectrum' (I definitely am) but have to learn to get on and manage to cope and look after their children in a reasonable sort of way.

If you've got the patience, you could explain to him that him not stepping up is giving you the ick.
I once had a male friend who was looking after his baby son while I was on maternity leave with DS3... I had to spell it out to him that he didn't have to wait till the baby woke up from his nap crying and hungry, to know that lunch needed to be ready 10 minutes ago, that in fact it would make everyone's life easier if he prepared lunch in advance while the baby was sleeping , so that he could do it without having to tend to a grizzling baby, and the baby didn't need to get hangry, and no one needed to get stressed. He took that advice from me, don't know if he would have listened to his partner if she had said it.

You could spell it out once to be nice, but I'm sure you already have. Has he got ADHD or something that prevents him organising himself effectively? Ask him how it feels to be shown up by his 12 year old DD.

🤔

My ex husband was very similar , but I can't pretend life is any better now without him than it was with him .

Ah you are referring to two exes? Previous one - you are happier without. The one before that - you aren’t any happier than you were with him.

It sounds like you’ve had a horrific past relationship and that may be driving your “there’s worse” mentality

to those of us who haven’t endured the horror you have, “there’s worse” is the antithesis of our approach to relationships

This is correct, sad though it is.
Plenty of men want to get married and have children, then don’t like the reality of being a husband and father. And plenty of people are very intelligent but useless at holding down a job.

I know its not ideal but if hes gonna have the kids alone and need to cook etc can you and him work together beforehand to draw up a schedule for when he does what? Might help him to have structure. Like 4pm - make kids snack of toast and jam... 4.30 pm - set out toys for youngest check eldest ok...

increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

So one child is becoming angry and resentful with both her parents, how long before the other two join her? In ten, twenty years time there is a high chance your children will be LC with you as they will blame you for staying. Is that the future you want? You have a useless DH. Actually, he's not just useless but actively emotionally and mentally harming his children.

As to the 50/50 you really think he will take them on if you divorce when he can't even look after them partially now? And I highly doubt your 12yr would visit him anyway, she'd be too scared he would leave everything up to her, so your other two might refuse too.

Answer: kick him out. He is, and will be, hurting the children.

Coping strategies come with understanding and patience not harsh criticism.

Perhaps. But the op’s husband has run out of time for patience and understanding. His time to need that was years ago, now the op is considering leaving him and the any assumptions of autism is coming from strangers diagnosing on the internet. To others he may well seem ‘pathetic’, we can only go on the information given. Most parents who need to be handheld through basic household tasks by their 12 year old daughter is not going to be looked upon kindly. The op can’t help her husband, he needs to recognise his own struggles and help himself - the op not only has done enough, she’s doing everything else alone anyway.

Hi OP,
A few years ago, I could have written your post. My husband has very similar traits, which have become more obvious as he got older/taken more senior roles in the financial sector (especially when he has had to manage people).
What has worked for us, was him gaining extra qualifications, which led him to a forensic accounting/actuarial route. This had two benefits, 1) a more rigourous intellectual role with less interaction with people on a daily basis and 2) a regular high salary without the annual back stabbing bonus circus.
With regards to the home front, we chose to outsource as much as possible which has allowed me to work but also be the primary carer for our boys. It's not ideal but the balance works for us. We continue to enjoy robust discussions about world affairs and generally enjoy each others company.
As an aside the boys relationship with their Dad has grown closer as they can know enjoy/obsess about golf together.
Good luck with your decision.

What does he bring to the table?

As a 34 year old who is only just getting diagnosed with ASD and finally understanding my life struggles I find your words pretty harsh. I didn’t intend to be difficult I just genuinely find reading people, situations and feelings incredibly hard and it’s been a real journey for me.

My partners been loving, patient kind and just amazing, so much so that I felt I hadn’t deserved him when it finally hit home just how not typical my behaviour had been. From what you’re saying you’d agree I don’t deserve him either.

We’re all on our own journeys and I’m at a point now where I can learn about myself. I’m not and I wasn’t doing this on purpose, u can’t help it.

Really hope he gets the right support and OP.

I do appreciate your position, and believe it or not also understand more than you know. But your situation is not the op’s - she is raising three kids alone essentially, has to provide every for the family, not only has to carry the mental load but so does her 12 year old daughter (which is setting up a whole other life of thinking it’s ok to do everything for the man in her life if he can’t/won’t, really awful in itself). He is in his 40s and evidently isn’t attempting to change, the op and her children cannot be the ones to either carry on like this nor take the years it will to support him into change. He may not attempt to recognise the need to change regardless!

Recognising there may be undiagnosed autism is one thing, but making these self discoveries doesn’t mean the op has to continue putting up with everything mentioned. It’s still unacceptable, it’s still damaging her and the children.

I have four children, I’m working hard to be a better Mum. I’m working hard to be a better partner. I’m trying to be a better friend. I have many regrets but I can’t do much about that now, only try and learn and do better.

The help wasn’t around and offered when I was a child despite being an incredibly difficult child with a lot of intervention from mental health professionals.

It’s a recent mental health professional that has helped guide me, I hope OPs DH will be as lucky. And I truly hope he receives the patience and kindness I have been blessed with, God knows I don’t deserve it.

@wendyoz This is actually a v helpful post thank you. DH has never managed people and wouldn't want to (finds project management stressful enough) and I therefore worry what the second half of his career will look like. A new qualification and permanent/longer term roles in a more intellectually specialist area looks a lot more appealing than a merry go round of one man consulting gigs.

@ItsmeImtheproblem200 I'm glad you are getting the help now. Completely agree with you that these diagnoses were not available when many of us were kids, nor the support that is quite mainstream for Nd kids now.

As I mentioned, DH's nephew is now diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and my sil has always commented how like DH he can be.

I am also pretty confident that my DH would be at least screened for ASD if he were a kid now: v shy maths prodigy with passionate interest in trainspotting and model railways...

Unsurprisingly, btw, he didn't introduce himself at uni as "Hi, I'm your future husband and I like trainspotting and model railways." We met at a ceilidh dance which I had never been to before and he, from a strong Catholic community in a northern town, was totally comfortable with. Despite his obvious nerdiness in terms of looks, he was having a great night because he was one of the few males who knew the dances and could therefore help all the girls who wanted to dance.
@future