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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he stay or should he go?

279 replies

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:26

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

OP posts:

LameBorzoi · 28/10/2023 02:44

The other thing to think about is the work now vs the work in a few years. The demands of parenting high school students are very different to those of parenting primary school students. Hard in a different way, but less of a certain type of chaos that he seems to be particularly struggling with.

If the relationship is fundamentally broken, then of course he needs to go. However, the financial and practical costs of splitting can be huge, so not something I would want to take on if the hard parts are stage - specific.

LameBorzoi · 28/10/2023 03:08

I also keep coming across this toxic mumsnet idea that "everyone" has two parents in full time work, plus cooks full meals every night, plus does all the kid sports etc. It's a bit like that thing in baby groups where "everyone" has babies that sleep through the night, feed perfectly, etc, etc.

It can look like there are all these families or there doing all these things. In reality, when you look closely, individually, they aren't. Usually there's part time work, or a lot of grandparent help, or no after school clubs, or jarred spaghetti four nights a week, or something. People just don't admit to it.

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 03:31

@ArborealArdour Looking after the kitchen in the evening means clearing up all the mess I have made cooking, clearing the table, filling the dishwasher, putting away leftovers in the fridge (for some reason he hates doing this one and tries to get me to do it whenever possible -nd-ers any clues why??!), cleaning the surfaces, tidying up the kitchen/dining/living area of stuff that's been left out ready for the next day.

(We don't do a lot of tidying as we go through the day, it's more one and done in the evening.)

He likes doing it because he can put his headphones on and listen to his podcasts. When he's finished he watches sport on catch up. It does kind of bug me because with eldest now 12 I am generally still parenting through bedtime until well after he is chilling out downstairs.

This is actually a great example: there is a lack of flex because we can't swap this around. I can tidy the kitchen etc well enough (if he's out I just say we've all got to do it and it's done in like 15 mins before bedtime starts) but he can't easily do three bedtimes. If he has to, he just sends the older two to bed with an old school flat out order and he concentrates on the youngest. If she won't play ball, the eldest steps in to be me (I know this not only because she tells me so but because I find both girls asleep together in our bed when I get home - it's cute but it shouldn't have to happen).

OP posts:

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 05:21

Are you in the UK OP?

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 05:31

OP posts:

seafronty · 28/10/2023 05:38

I knew very quickly in this thread that we would medicalise his shit behaviour.

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 05:44

Do you have friends? Hobbies? Anytime away from the home when he’s in charge?

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 05:45

So as it stands, you’re staying with him but you are going to look in to an ADHD assessment?

LameBorzoi · 28/10/2023 05:49

On the leftovers thing - because it's gross and off-putting.

On putting the kids to bed: plenty of couples don't switch jobs. It saves negotiation.

I do get that it's unfair that you don't get any downtime, and I do get that your daughter shouldn't feel the need to step up. I wouldn't have an issue with them going to sleep in your bed, but I don't like the idea that you're daughter feels the need to parent.

Honestly, getting three kids to bed is hard. Most people stick at 1 or 2 kids and not having to face these day to day things with 3 is often a big part of it.

Given that, he does sound like he could benefit from some upskilling in parenting skills - a triple P course or similar. You would need to go too, as these courses need both parents on the same page.

The bedtime thing is another thing that's going to solve itself in a few years, however, as your kids get older.

Nugg · 28/10/2023 06:08

He's so good at playing the idiot to get you to have to do everything isn't he?!

I had 20 years of that. I too had 3 kids, which just made the load heavier for me, no impact on him!

Sooooo love being single

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 07:15

I'm not especially interested in ADHD assessment. We have had the Nd convo and he accepts it's possible but isn't interested in adult diagnosis as it's just a label and there's no cure.

I am interested in looking into inattentive ADHD to see if I can use/suggest ways of doing things I need him to do that might work better for him. Also I am hoping that he might switch to an Nd informed psychologist/counselor and get more effective support for his anxiety and depression.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 28/10/2023 07:18

No, your parents and your in laws’ set up with the women as ‘domestic appliances’ wasn’t at all the norm!

LameBorzoi · 28/10/2023 07:34

I think "is the level of support that he is current offering more than I would be doing on my own" is the wrong question. It's very short term thinking. The question should be "is he a good person, and is the relationship fundamentally either good or recoverable"?

It's unfair, but a lot of women still do more work on things like childcare. It's not "right" but it's unfortunately still what happens. Turning that around takes a lot of time.

You are also both doing a lot. Three kids, pets, both partners working, after school clubs. I think that we're sold a bit of a lie that we're supposed to do all this on our own. Have you posted about this before?

chopc · 28/10/2023 07:48

Reading your post neurodiversity screamed at me. May be ADHD , may be ASD, may be both.

The advantage of having a formal diagnosis is that no workplace would be able to discriminate against him and would need to adapt to his neurodiversity eg he may be excused from attending large meetings, me given clear, consider, written instructions, given quiet space to work etc . He may be able to access help through Access to work if he has a formal diagnosis.

And of course you can both look into managing neurodiversity within your marriage eg perhaps he cannot be expected to think outside the box and need clear instructions etc

chopc · 28/10/2023 07:49

As for your question should you stay or should you go - it seems there are enough positives in the marriage to keep working at it. But do address the neurodiversity issue

It is BOTH your problem- not just yours. He also has to work at managing it and being a fully functional adult

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 07:59

@chopc I wish I had your confidence. Previously he disclosed to his employer about his anxiety and depression and was managed out of the business within six months. He plans never to disclose anything at work ever again as a result.

OP posts:

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 08:29

Op I have asked about your life but you either haven’t seen or choose not to answer

Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends?

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 08:33

He’s British? You’re in Australia? (Just guessing by the fact you were messaging throughout the night for us Brits!

did you start a recent thread about your British husband never having settled in Oz and he wanted to return back to the UK? That poster also had three children

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 08:36

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 07:59

did he pursue any therapy for his anxiety and depression?

any medication?

NotLactoseFree · 28/10/2023 09:19

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 07:15

I'm not especially interested in ADHD assessment. We have had the Nd convo and he accepts it's possible but isn't interested in adult diagnosis as it's just a label and there's no cure.

The first part of this actually makes me quite angry. He's not interested in a diagnosis? It's just a "label". The point is that a diagnosis allows him to access support and its not a "label" it's an actual diagnosis. Adhd in particular can be massively helped with medication and if you want a specific counsellor, actually being diagnosed with ADHD is pretty important.

The point is that he doesn't want to fix it. He likes his life. He doesn't have to fo a lot, all the other parents at sports group etc think he's just lovely etc.

He sounds less and less like my.lovely kind dh all the time.

getupgetop · 28/10/2023 09:47

The point of an ADHF diagnosis is to be able to make a plan to deal with it, whether that's through medication or using other methods. What nonsense it's just a label and pointless as there's no cute. ADHD is something you can work and make improvements on. There's a wealth of knowledge out there you just need to be motivated.

getupgetop · 28/10/2023 09:47

ADHD

getupgetop · 28/10/2023 09:48

Cure

Damn Autocorrect!

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 10:05

@cultureplanet Yes he has medication and therapy which has made him functional but not entirely better.

We're not in Oz.

OP posts:

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 10:10

Oh and crazy times overnight were because of vomiting child! Still vomiting sadly.

OP posts:

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