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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he stay or should he go?

279 replies

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:26

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 27/10/2023 14:24

But life at home just seems a bit beyond him / gets him down.

It's not beyond him, he just doesn't want to do it and he knows you'll do it anyway, so he doesn't have to bother. Fascinating that he can cope with doing hobbies that he enjoys but nothing else.

GabriellaMontez · 27/10/2023 14:28

He's selectively incompetent.

The drudge falls to you.

He perfects his hobby.

Fuck that.

BetterPlease · 27/10/2023 14:29

This is indeed a man’s world. This man’s life is just peachy, with a woman AND a young girl to do the boring/hard bits for him.

To be honest, maybe it’s good we have ladies like this who are happy, willing, and very able to keep these sort of creatures off the streets for us.

If they weren’t handheld through life…they’d be sucking their elderly parents or other unwilling participants dry.

Lemonyfuckit · 27/10/2023 14:31

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 13:03

Can't agree with the idea that he neglects the kids @Itsbritneybitch22 . He loves them very much and I'm sure most people we know would say he is a good dad. He just seems to make heavy weather of actually looking after them when he has to do this alone.

I'm sorry OP but this is incompatible really - it's takes more than loving them very much to be a good parent - he does actually need to look after them as well for that to be the case.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2023 14:34

Are you happy

LearningTo · 27/10/2023 14:37

Lemonyfuckit · 27/10/2023 14:31

I'm sorry OP but this is incompatible really - it's takes more than loving them very much to be a good parent - he does actually need to look after them as well for that to be the case.

Show quote history

Yes.

Love is an action, not just a word. It is shown, not merely said. Words are cheap.

Duckingella · 27/10/2023 14:49

Sounds just like my husband;he has ADHD;he's good at his job but on average spends around 3 years in a job before getting restless and moving on.

However he's been in his current job nearly 5 years and he pays the bills.I deal with everything at home including the kids.I use to have a part time job and he had to look after the kids on a Saturday whilst I worked 9-5.30pm.

He'd leave the kids to raid the cupboards instead of feeding them lunch and wait until I got home so I would cook dinner;he just couldn't cope with it and the kids hated it;he'd disappear off to bed and leave the eldest to look after his siblings.I ended up quitting my job on the agreement he'd take on all the financial responsibility.

My DH does no food prep,he'll eat toast and cereal but won't make a sandwich or even heat leftovers up in the microwave;his diet pretty much consists of crap he can rip open and shove straight into his mouth:it's not overly attractive.

Things are more settled now and we've found an arrangement that works for us (and my DH has had some therapy to learn coping techniques) but your arrangement isn't working for you as you can't trust him with the financial responsibility of your household.

You need to work out what you want VS what is likely to happen and how likely it is he can learn to cope better or if you can face continuing to live this way.

Suusue · 27/10/2023 14:53

Your life would be MUCH easier without this liability round your neck. Get rid.

Bristolnewcomer · 27/10/2023 14:53

@NotLactoseFree has written a great post below. About how someone can have a real natural crapness at stuff (I'm sure we're all crap at something!) but try very hard to overcome it.

What has your husband done to overcome the fact that he neglects your children's basic needs, shouts at them, and forces his eldest child to be the responsible adult (parentification - look it up)?

It sounds like all the things he has changed are for HIS benefit, not the children's or yours.

He seems to have fundamentally missed that not making an effort to improve even in basic ways mean he's being cruel to the kids.

Bristolnewcomer · 27/10/2023 14:55

LearningTo · 27/10/2023 14:37

Yes.

Love is an action, not just a word. It is shown, not merely said. Words are cheap.

Show quote history

This is so true. If you knew a single parent who just decided not to feed their kids or look after them, and shouted at them and forced their daughter to care for her siblings or just fucked off to bed... would that look like loving behaviour to you?

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 14:56

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 14:14

@cultureplanet Yes of course I have but it's very clear to me that it's more so that he is trying his best (or at least what he currently believes to be his best) and can't rather than won't. So yelling doesn't actually get me anywhere, in fact it typically makes him more anxious and therefore less able to adult and therefore me more miserable in the end.

You have done something of a turn around from your OP

In which you are actually seem to be considering ending your marriage and asking him to move out

When we agreed and expressed, well, horror at your family dynamic, suddenly he’s a wonderful father, tries his best, very good with money, wouldn’t neglect the children if alone with him

you have gone from seemingly on your knees to a wonderful marriage!

Duckingella · 27/10/2023 14:57

Also to ask a serious question;if you were to split what level of custody would he want because it sounds as though he wouldn't even cope with all of them alone for even a few hours let alone overnight.

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 14:58

Both you and I suspect him are hoping for a return of the glory days when he was The Man at university
25 years ago

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 15:03

I think Yabu

He does fair share of the things he can do , ironing, diy, bins , garden

You sound disappointed now his brilliance at uni hasn't lived up to your expectations - what about his expectations? Do you live up to those ?

He hasn't suddenly become like this - often people who are academic just aren't practical

I find recipes hard so use hello fresh

I think you're being way too critical . You chose to have 3 kids with him .

You chose him thinking you were getting first prize - and now he's not living up to that you want to dump him ?

Are you married ?
Did you take any vows ?

There's far worse you there op.

LearningTo · 27/10/2023 15:38

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 15:03

I think Yabu

He does fair share of the things he can do , ironing, diy, bins , garden

You sound disappointed now his brilliance at uni hasn't lived up to your expectations - what about his expectations? Do you live up to those ?

He hasn't suddenly become like this - often people who are academic just aren't practical

I find recipes hard so use hello fresh

I think you're being way too critical . You chose to have 3 kids with him .

You chose him thinking you were getting first prize - and now he's not living up to that you want to dump him ?

Are you married ?
Did you take any vows ?

There's far worse you there op.

Gardening, bins, and DIY are NOT time consuming daily tasks that need to be done several times a day to the same order and magnitude that house work and childcare requires. Plus they are not essential tasks in the same way sustenance and quality time with your family is essential.

It would be one thing to contribute so little to family life if he were the main bread winner, but that is not the case here.

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 15:56

There's far worse

@capabilityfrowns what a depressing approach to relationships you have

NotLactoseFree · 27/10/2023 16:43

LearningTo · 27/10/2023 15:38

Gardening, bins, and DIY are NOT time consuming daily tasks that need to be done several times a day to the same order and magnitude that house work and childcare requires. Plus they are not essential tasks in the same way sustenance and quality time with your family is essential.

It would be one thing to contribute so little to family life if he were the main bread winner, but that is not the case here.

Show quote history

Completely agree. One of the issues with DH and I for a while is that he thought that doing the bins and mowing the lawn WAS the equivalent. As I explained at embarrassing length in my earlier post, it was him accepting that and working to change that made our lives better.

It's amazing how often the "bit of DIY, bins and lawn mowing" is trotted out as the man doing his fair share. I have a vague memory of once screaming at DH many years ago that if he really thought this was such a big deal (from memory, things came to a head as he was feeling aggrieved that I seldom cleaned up the dog poo in the garden), then I'd be HAPPY to do the bins, the lawn, the dog poo and he could do all the things I do....

Come to think of it, that might have been a turning point for us! Grin

Loubelle70 · 27/10/2023 16:44

BetterPlease · 27/10/2023 09:46

You two are both adults and can choose how you want to live.

My concern is for the 12 year old child who is having to manage and care for a grown adult man.

This child doesn’t have any choices in the matter. And she sounds quite upset if she is already having to challenge you about it. It this age, most kids are busy idolising their parent through rose tinted glasses. How bad has it gotten that your daughter is complaining?

Your daughter deserves a loving caring father who is helping her through these sensitive prepubescent years, not one who is actively piling on stress and pressure!

The other thing being minimised here is the shouting at the children, this is not acceptable and is abusive, and must stop. Shouting causes psychological harm, especially in these tender years, given the other children are primarily school age and below.

If he’s not helping them or parenting them properly, what should define not be happening is being shouted at on top of that. Useless is one thing, harmful is another. This must not be minimised.

The 12 year old is not only seeing the sexism in this household, but is also being made to take part in it by assuming adult responsibilities of not only the domestic home front , but having to manage the temper and selfishness of an adult male who should be behaving as a father should.

Welcome to the ongoing patriarchy. It’s households like this that help the awful unequal divisions of labour flourish.

Your daughter is already being groomed for a future husband like this, and she will also think it’s okay for him not care for their children and shout at them.

Not even offering fruit let alone a meal to your own children, I have no words.

I’m assuming he must have been great in the sack all these years and that’s no longer the case?

Edited

Have to agree. Raising/teaching our children to pedestal men a big no no.

Loubelle70 · 27/10/2023 16:46

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 15:03

I think Yabu

He does fair share of the things he can do , ironing, diy, bins , garden

You sound disappointed now his brilliance at uni hasn't lived up to your expectations - what about his expectations? Do you live up to those ?

He hasn't suddenly become like this - often people who are academic just aren't practical

I find recipes hard so use hello fresh

I think you're being way too critical . You chose to have 3 kids with him .

You chose him thinking you were getting first prize - and now he's not living up to that you want to dump him ?

Are you married ?
Did you take any vows ?

There's far worse you there op.

Oh come on!!! Theres far better out there too. This is not on OP. Hes a lazy arse at home..unless its gadding about flicking a football and cheering from the sidelines . exactly what he does at home...a spectator

Loopytiles · 27/10/2023 16:49

He’s clearly NOT ‘doing his best’. You’ve clearly tolerated 12 years + of his shit, sexist behaviour.

If you decide to separate and then divorce he might well seek to minimise his short term earnings to affect the financial settlement, so you’d best get good legal advice etc

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 16:51

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 15:56

There's far worse

@capabilityfrowns what a depressing approach to relationships you have

And this is why I'm single and happily so

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 17:19

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 16:51

And this is why I'm single and happily so

Show quote history

Aside from your date on Monday that is! 😂

the motto “there’s worse out there” is the antithesis of my motto in relationships and what I am teaching my daughters

Gerrataere · 27/10/2023 17:57

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 15:03

I think Yabu

He does fair share of the things he can do , ironing, diy, bins , garden

You sound disappointed now his brilliance at uni hasn't lived up to your expectations - what about his expectations? Do you live up to those ?

He hasn't suddenly become like this - often people who are academic just aren't practical

I find recipes hard so use hello fresh

I think you're being way too critical . You chose to have 3 kids with him .

You chose him thinking you were getting first prize - and now he's not living up to that you want to dump him ?

Are you married ?
Did you take any vows ?

There's far worse you there op.

This is depressing. Yes there are worse and my ex used to say (when near breakdown over the level of mental load he left me with) ‘you think I’m shit but it’s not like I’m abusive or hit you!’. There are many ways to destroy a person, being another child in what’s meant to be an equal relationship is one of them. When you stop and think ‘what does this person bring to my life’ and all you can name is taking out the bins or have a somewhat intelligent conversation then it really is the pits of what’s acceptable from a partner.

And yes, he can ‘just become like this’ especially if there’s undiagnosed autism or adhd. Life can potter along just fine before kids, then over time the lifestyle is not one they can cope with and they slowly but surely opt out. You turn around and you wonder how it’s got to the point where you deal with most things whilst they - the great person with an incredible mind you fell for - turns into a man child who can’t even see a pot needs washing without being told. And even when you initially see it, you excuse it, or think ‘I can put up with it for the sake of the kids, I’ll suck it up, I’ll get him to see how much it’s affecting me and he’ll do better’. Because undoing a family unit is so, SO much harder than making one. Especially when people like you mention ‘taking vows’ like your words at the time can’t be taken back - despite when ‘for better or worse’ is always the latter.

The op is not being critical enough of him, she’s excusing pisspoor behaviours. I truly hope she dumps him, and I hope no poor other woman gets duped into becoming his new mum…

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 18:08

My date was just a date . There was no marriage proposal and we aren't moving in together . In fact it was a one off . And that was my first date in 18 months.

The thought of entertaining anyone now at my house brings me out in a cold sweat, I like living alone .

I just thought the bloke was getting a hard time because when he was the fit young smartest in class the op wanted him

And if it becomes quite evident that he can't manage daily life with a family I'd stop having kids with him .

My ex husband was very similar , but I can't pretend life is any better now without him than it was with him .

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 18:12

capabilityfrowns · 27/10/2023 18:08

My date was just a date . There was no marriage proposal and we aren't moving in together . In fact it was a one off . And that was my first date in 18 months.

The thought of entertaining anyone now at my house brings me out in a cold sweat, I like living alone .

I just thought the bloke was getting a hard time because when he was the fit young smartest in class the op wanted him

And if it becomes quite evident that he can't manage daily life with a family I'd stop having kids with him .

My ex husband was very similar , but I can't pretend life is any better now without him than it was with him .

So what happened to And this is why I'm single and happily so?!

I just thought the bloke was getting a hard time because when he was the fit young smartest in class the op wanted him

well yes - we fall in love don’t we? The op was 19/20 at the time.

He has turned out to be…. Well utterly pants at family life. Yes, it is baffling to have three children with him when he’s never been anything otherwise BUT that’s no reason to suck up your depressing “there’s worse out there” motto