Making food without asking whether I want any.

[bonzaitree]

My partner sometimes makes food without asking me if I want anything.

He thinks this is completely fine and totally normal.

It makes me feel invisible. I’ve asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it. Is it hard to say « fancy a sandwich? »

Example, just came in from holiday. I’ve opened the post and said I was having a rest for a bit. Came to get something and he was making sausages. We have spoken about this many times before. Today I was tired and snapped.

It’s the considerate thing to do, unless he’s making something you don’t like.

I don’t offer DH scrambled eggs because he doesn’t like them but I fancy they for lunch sometimes, and he is the same about sausage rolls or pork pies because I don’t like them. Otherwise we always offer.

Ditto tea, coffee, wine etc.

What a lovely end to a holiday

It’s inconsiderate behaviour - I expect this isn’t the only way he acts like this

That is so selfish

Yeah that’s weird, if there’s someone else in the house you offer them food if you’re making anything by default!

He seems to think this is normal and OK…

In general yanbu, but since you were having a rest, is there any chance he thought you were asleep? In which case not wanting to wake you is reasonable and yabu - on this occasion

Let me guess… you continue to offer him food and make him food?

STOP!

Don’t cook for him.

Don’t do his washing.

Don’t tidy after him.

I would generally agree YANBU but if I said I was going for a rest I wouldn’t be expected to be included in food made then unless it was dinner.

My EXDP used to do this as a form of punishment...get everyone food except me.

I used to get everyone food, but one day I snapped and decided I wouldn't do it for him either. He really didn't like it when it was his turn lol

I got rid of him soon after; no-one wants to feel like their partner doesn't give a stuff about them.

I would find that upsetting too. I know appetites aren't always synced but whoever wants to eat should offer to make something for everyone.

Is his eating pattern normal? He's not eating several small meals a day for any reason? Just wondering why he might assume you wouldn't want to eat with him.

sometimes makes food
how often?

who usually does the cooking for dinner?

how was your holiday?!

Surely he assumes you were sleeping?

You were resting so I don’t see the big deal. Neither do I see the big deal about him making a sandwich and not offering you.

If he was cooking dinner or a big meal that’d be more of an issue.

He's not on any special diet there’s no reason for it at all.

How often does this happen?

I'm a bit on the fence, for some reason I feel like it's absolutely fine to go and make yourself food if you're hungry, but a cup of tea I would think is inconsiderate 😂

Do you have any food issues?! Complain about weight? I'm just trying to think of any reasons he might have in his mind! My DH always just makes me some even if I say no tbh because he knows when I actually smell / see the food I'll probably fancy some ha.

I think it's a bit mean and inconsiderate too, even my 15 year old will hollar up the stairs "AM MAKING SCRAN ANYONE WANT SOME" if she's doing something. If a teenager can manage it, surely an adult can...

And for those saying "brrrrr he thought you were asleep I see no problem here" did you miss the part where OP said this is a consistent thing that they have spoken about before oooor???

He did it on holiday. One morning I made him sausage and egg rolls. The next morning he hade a bacon sandwich for himself. I asked him for a bacon sandwich and he’d eaten the last of the bacon. He did make me a sausage sandwich but it’s just so so so strange not to ask if I wanted one in the first place.

He’s not doing it to punish me that’s for sure. I just don’t know why he doesn’t do it on autopilot??

Do you make food as often as he does?
Sometimes on Saturday DP and I are both busy doing separate things, and I have already done breakfast and will do dinner later, and just fancy a quick sandwich. I know very well if I ask him if he wants what I am making he will say he wants cheese on toast or something different , but he wouldnt make it himself he'd just wait for me to do it, so I have sneaked the occasional snack myself and been accused of being selfish. Is it similar with you and your DP? Does he do most of the cooking? Would you always like what he is making?

We share the cooking. I do more.

Hmm. I stopped making lunch for DH and then teen DC when I started working from home a decade ago and found I had become the default sandwich maker.

If you always make food for each other, fair enough and YANBU though.

That’s awful! When I’m pissed off with my DH I won’t put it in a bowl/on a plate but he’ll help himself anyway!

No food issues. Don’t complain about weight. If I need to lose weight I make a point of never saying much because my mum wangs on and on boit slimming world.

Making food (i.e. something to eat cos you're peckish) or a meal?
If I went off for a rest I would be OK with the other people in the house making just themselves something to eat.
But if it was around a meal time of day I would have thought there would be some discussion. What if you didn't want sausages?

I guess it depends on the dynamics in the household. It's just me and teen DS at home and we are often eating different things and at different times due to the sports we each like to do and there different tastes we have. We always make sure no one's going w/o though.

Selfish and ill mannered.