Making food without asking whether I want any.

[bonzaitree]

My partner sometimes makes food without asking me if I want anything.

He thinks this is completely fine and totally normal.

It makes me feel invisible. I’ve asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it. Is it hard to say « fancy a sandwich? »

Example, just came in from holiday. I’ve opened the post and said I was having a rest for a bit. Came to get something and he was making sausages. We have spoken about this many times before. Today I was tired and snapped.

Bit even if it was a sausage roll, or a pasty or a friggin roast. What difference does it make?!

My point is this op has asked more than 15x for him to consider her

and he ignores her

they’ve been together just 2 years. Hours back from holiday and op starting a mumsnet about her partner

Does this look like a relationship that has legs?

If I was literally putting a sausage roll in the oven

and someone had said they were knackered and going to the bedroom for a rest

then I couldn’t check because… well it’s a sausage roll in the oven.

if it was, say pasta, I would poke my head around the door

I would sometimes make myself a sandwich or omelette for lunch or salad without making one for my DH as he is so lazy about cooking and I got infuriated always bring the one who cooked. I will cook for him in the evening but ask him to do it every other day now he is retired. He is just generally lazy around the house so every so often I dig my heels in and make him pull his weight.

He's selfish and inconsiderate, end of. Find a new boyfriend, do not have children with him, he'll be one of those greedy bastards that eats the kids food so you don't have anything for their sandwiches on a Monday morning.

See, I'd be far, FAR more pissed off about being disturbed/woken up when I'd specifically said I was going for a rest than I would be about cooking my own sausage sandwich (if I happened to fancy one) when I got up.

The leaving you no bacon for breakfast on holiday was mean, but couples are still allowed to make themselves food independently, surely? I wouldn't expect someone to cook a full on dinner for one and leave their partner out, but surely breakfasts, snacks and sandwiches you just make for yourself as and when you feel like it?

I agree with other posters, I think if making a meal it’d odd not to offer, but for snacks between meals DH and I would probably only offer each other if we were in the same room at the time. I definitely wouldn’t expect him to come and ask me if I was lying down in bed

I think we have some trolls. I’m enjoying it though- glad my sausage dilemma is causing such frantic posting by certain people! 😄

I could do with some advice about how to play this going forward from the nice ordinary posters. Please and thank you.

Well in that case he is being really selfish.

Have to say that if he keeps forgetting something you keep asking, that's pretty bad of him. It's not really about reasonable behaviour at that point - we all have differing norms but if DP asked me 15 times to do something I wasn't doing, I'd either make sure to do it or tell him directly why I wasn't doing it. If I asked him 15 times and he kept saying yes but then not doing it I'd be furious, yes.

Does he forget a lot of things you ask or just this one about food?

Having said that even if I'd been asked in this case, I wouldn't make a sausage sandwich for someone who I thought was asleep. Not really the sort of food that tastes good cold.

But having said that if I'd just got back from a holiday I would be absolutely crystal clear in my own mind what I wanted to eat and when, and DP would know this.

Does he do other things for you OP? Different people have different ways of showing their love/affection, and I think it can be an uphill battle wanting your partner to do something that they naturally wouldn’t do, because then it does just become something that they forget. You say you’ve told him x times to do it, he still doesn’t, so I suppose at that point you need to think about if there’s any point wasting your breath having the same conversation again? Is it a deal breaker for you? Is this just one thing he doesn’t do, or is it indicative of a bigger picture where he isn’t thoughtful, doesn’t do anything for you?

I honestly don’t think it’s a huge issue not to ask when making a snack, and I’d probably forget about that as well especially if we weren’t sat together at the time.

I think earlier in ops post she mentioned sausage and egg rolls, easy mistake.

Maybe you should start preparing food for just yourself.

well, you are obviously not compatible.
why are you wasting your time in an unsatisfactory situation.
do you think you'll get nothing better.
do you fear being on your own.

Stop preparing food for him if he doesn't do it for you.

maybe it's more a flat-mate with benefits scenario for him.
you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Depends
My DH eats more often and just more than me, he's constantly whipping up something in the kitchen, I don't bat an eyelid. He has a physical job so is constantly hungry. Sometimes I shout make me some too please and he always does. Occasionally he will say do you want some of whatever he's making... but not every time.

I offer him every time, but I eat much less often.

If it was dinner, or breakfast on a weekend, we'd always offer but lunches we tend to do our own thing a bit more I guess.

I would sooooo stop cooking for him. A tad childish maybe but he needs to empathize with how you are feeling. Cook for one and just say you didn’t know he was hungry.
I knew a friend years ago who’s husband used to cook lovely lunches for himself while WFH and leave her breastfeeding a toddler and new born with no food! Personally I would have ripped his head off.
Both my DH and I cook and neither of us would ever not offer the other what we were making. Totally weird!

Is he just cooking for himself?

i think on réflection, not eating together makes me feel like flatmates not a family (as a pp said)

Not sure why I feel that way.

As someone said, is this a dealbreaker- no it’s not a dealbreaker.

maybe i should just be more selfish? I consider him at every meal I cook. Maybe I’ll just drop the rope and do my own thing a bit more? Fuck it. He clearly gives 0 shits why should I?

Maybe we are unusual but apart from evening meal we all tend to make a sandwich ,drink etc independently.

If you were going up to rest I wouldn't think you wanted food. But in general yes, DH is up earlier than me so doesn't ask me re breakfast but any other time one of us wants food or snacks we'd ask the other one

It woukd incense me OP.

Yeah it's selfish, and a bit weird.

Maybe if it's a bit of toast or whatever, but if you are actually cooking (bacon, sausages etc) then it seems really mean to not even offer. It's not as if it's loads of extra work. I'd never make myself a bacon sandwich if DH was in the house and not make him one. It's actually really passive aggressive.

Our only 'rule' with this kid of thing is if we're both working from home, I don't make his lunch and he doesn't make mine. We have different schedules and both prefer to do our own thing, we don't even make the other one a cup of tea! But that's a situation that suits us both so it's not the same thing, because in your scenario you would like to be asked.

How long have you lived togt? Did he grow up in a house where everyone kinda just fended for themselves?