Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making food without asking whether I want any.

133 replies

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 17:10

My partner sometimes makes food without asking me if I want anything.

He thinks this is completely fine and totally normal.

It makes me feel invisible. I’ve asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it. Is it hard to say « fancy a sandwich? »

Example, just came in from holiday. I’ve opened the post and said I was having a rest for a bit. Came to get something and he was making sausages. We have spoken about this many times before. Today I was tired and snapped.

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 17:54

How long have you been with him?

So it happened on holiday. Did you use the opportunity to explain your feelings?

Whalewatchers · 26/10/2023 17:54

I guess he just can't be bothered to make two of anything...

Whalewatchers · 26/10/2023 17:54

Which is pretty low.

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 17:55

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 17:23

He did it on holiday. One morning I made him sausage and egg rolls. The next morning he hade a bacon sandwich for himself. I asked him for a bacon sandwich and he’d eaten the last of the bacon. He did make me a sausage sandwich but it’s just so so so strange not to ask if I wanted one in the first place.

He’s not doing it to punish me that’s for sure. I just don’t know why he doesn’t do it on autopilot??

Where were you when he was making the bacon sandwich?

gannett · 26/10/2023 17:59

Hmm it depends. It'd be really weird to make yourself dinner but not your partner. It'd also be weird to actually do proper cooking that involves effort, but not make enough for your partner (or ask them). But if it's just heating up some soup or grabbing breakfast, DP and I will often do that separately.

We communicate pretty well about food though. Like, I know in advance which meals we'll be having together if we're both in the house, and which we're just grabbing what we want by ourselves.

Were the sausages meant to be his meal or just a snack? What did you have planned for the next meal? I think the weird thing here is the lack of communication from both of you. Maybe DP and I just discuss our future meals more than most but when I get back from holiday, my next meal is a very high discussion priority.

MamaGhina · 26/10/2023 18:01

Agree it depends. My DH will quite often make an appearance in the kitchen to see what I’m cooking and I know he’s waiting for me to offer. Thing is, it’s hardly ever the other way around and I do find it annoying so now mon-fri we make out own lunches. Evening meal is different as I always cook for the whole family.
I guess what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t necessarily offer if I was making something for myself.

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:03

Well I’ve said the circumstances- just got back from holiday. Had no tea. Not much in.

OP posts:
Huhuhuhu · 26/10/2023 18:04

If he's making something you'd also like it's rude not to ask!

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:04

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:03

Well I’ve said the circumstances- just got back from holiday. Had no tea. Not much in.

Yes but had you gone to bed when you said you were going to have a rest?

and where were you on holiday when he was making his bacon sarnie?

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:05

What food has he actually “made”?

junebirthdaygirl · 26/10/2023 18:09

When either of us makes dinner we check if the other is going to be around. But at all other times we look after ourselves. Same with teens and adult dc. Maybe he was brought up in a home like ours where its every man for himself except at dinner. I began this when everyone was coming and going and l wasn't going to be the eternal sandwich maker. There may be no malice in it especially as you were resting.

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:09

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:04

Yes but had you gone to bed when you said you were going to have a rest?

and where were you on holiday when he was making his bacon sarnie?

Show quote history

I was resting in our bedroom.

When he made his bacon sarnie I was getting ready (hair makeup etc)

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:13

Ok so perhaps he thought you were sleeping.

The holiday one - yes he should have offered

but how long have you been together and is this something that’s been going on for years or… just these two incidents?

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 18:15

How often have you lived together?

I think making a cup of tea, getting a snack like biscuits or a sandwich is fine and I wouldn’t offer anyone these things, unless they were a guest.

But if it’s a full meal or something you need to cook like bacon sandwiches then I would offer because I’m doing them anyway.

I don’t even make my 15yo breakfast anymore, she does it herself.
Its usually the same with lunch too.

So this morning I made myself some toast and a bit later she had cereal. I wouldn’t think to ask her if she wants toast.
But if I’m making a cooked breakfast or pancakes then I’d definitely ask her.

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:16

He’s done this before and sometimes I can’t be arsed to make it a thing and let it go but I have said politely « please could you ask if I’m around » at least fifteen times before.

Its like if I’m not in the room he forgets I exist.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/10/2023 18:17

I think it's fine to get snacks for yourself but not meals. So if sausages were dinner then very rude not to get you some. If sausages were a snack between meals then I think that's OK

margotrose · 26/10/2023 18:17

If you'd gone for a lie down why would he cook you food?

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:18

margotrose · 26/10/2023 18:17

If you'd gone for a lie down why would he cook you food?

That’s the point I’m trying to make

If you said you were knackered and going to the bedroom to have a rest - no I wouldn’t bother you to ask if you wanted a sandwich!

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:19

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:18

That’s the point I’m trying to make

If you said you were knackered and going to the bedroom to have a rest - no I wouldn’t bother you to ask if you wanted a sandwich!

Show quote history

If you partner had asked you repeatedly to please ask if cooking something, would you ask if I wanted a sausage butty then?

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:19

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:16

He’s done this before and sometimes I can’t be arsed to make it a thing and let it go but I have said politely « please could you ask if I’m around » at least fifteen times before.

Its like if I’m not in the room he forgets I exist.

So he’s done this at least 15 times and you have raised with him multiple times and he continues to ignore? What does he respond with when you raise it as hurting you

how long have you been together ?

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:20

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:19

So he’s done this at least 15 times and you have raised with him multiple times and he continues to ignore? What does he respond with when you raise it as hurting you

how long have you been together ?

Show quote history

Been together 2 years. He says « yeah I’ll ask » but then forgets. Again.

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:21

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:19

If you partner had asked you repeatedly to please ask if cooking something, would you ask if I wanted a sausage butty then?

Show quote history

Yes. But not if I was pretty sure they’d be sleeping

so it was a sausage sandwich? I wouldn’t want sausages that have been left whilst I was away on holiday! How long were you away for?

cultureplanet · 26/10/2023 18:22

bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:20

Been together 2 years. He says « yeah I’ll ask » but then forgets. Again.

Show quote history

And how long lived together

just 2 years and you seem thoroughly pissed off and he doesn’t seem to bothered about listening to you

doesn’t look promising op

Original poster
bonzaitree · 26/10/2023 18:22

We brought them back from uk holiday. Stop trying to catch me out. This isn’t about freshness of sausages lol!

OP posts:
TortolaParadise · 26/10/2023 18:23

Not everybody thinks like you/me. I guess for him it is normal. Similar to why do some people leave dishes in the sink; a drop of juice in a bottle and put it back in the fridge? Just why? I guess it is normal for 'them'.