Making food without asking whether I want any.

[bonzaitree]

My partner sometimes makes food without asking me if I want anything.

He thinks this is completely fine and totally normal.

It makes me feel invisible. I’ve asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it. Is it hard to say « fancy a sandwich? »

Example, just came in from holiday. I’ve opened the post and said I was having a rest for a bit. Came to get something and he was making sausages. We have spoken about this many times before. Today I was tired and snapped.

You went for a lie down, in the meantime he got hungry and cooked himself something to eat. Maybe, if you were then up and getting ready, you would have smelt him cooking. So you didn't bother to shout down to do you some food as well?

Im not even sure hes thoughtless . Im
not even too sure he’s lazy(but possible )
I think he’s greedy and doesn’t want too share . Or so greedy he doesn’t think of anyone else but his stomach .

This is very miserable behaviour. Not normal at all in a relationship.

Just seen this update.

How's the relationship in general? Is this food thing the only bad thing? Or are there other areas where he acts like a flat mate?

Only ask because, on reflection, this is something my ex husband would do and it was actually part of a pattern of behaviour rather than the one annoying thing he did.

Maybe DP and I just discuss our future meals more than most but when I get back from holiday, my next meal is a very high discussion priority.

This. Were you hungry when you went for the rest? What were your plans for the sausages brought back from the UK holiday?

I'd have been planning my sausage and butterbean supper for most of the car journey.

@mrmagpie he is a really considerate partner and does loads of other things e.g. filling my car with petrol, checking tyre pressure, arranging MOT and insurance (I hate car stuff). Also all the kitchen cleaning - loading and unloading dishwasher clearing up after meals. Loads of other things I won’t bore you with.

This is why I say it’s not a deal breaker for me. Genuinely isn’t. Just very very strange and odd.

Well I expect the reason he didn't ask you about the bacon was because he wanted to eat all the bacon 🤣

I do find this hard to understand, DH and I always ask the other if they are around.

Maybe pointedly do it to him next time (don't forget to eat all of whatever it is so he can't make any for himself) and see if that prompts meaningful discussion...

Yet, you made a thread about it. Yes, very strange and odd.

@Wonkasworld yep op has a thread on MN about something that is irritating her. Think this is what MN is for??? You don’t have to engage if you don’t want to, the option to scroll on by is available. It’s very strange and odd you didn’t take the option

op just do the same to him a couple of times and it may hit home. He’s hungry and focused on food . Not ok but my dh did similar… until I made a steak, red onion n mushroom baguette with a blu cheese sauce and told him I thought he was snoozing so wouldn’t be bothered. Focused his mind tbh !

Probs do need to do this tbh but it’s not in my nature. We’re v hospitable as a family- always offering guests and family members drinks and snacks. Maybe I am equating food with showing you love someone?

It's strange and odd that you took the effort to type all that to me before you gave advice to the OP.

Say to him that your buying your own food & he can do the same. Cook separately.... just try it to see if something clicks with him because clearly you are white noise given you've asked him multiple times. Is he just a bit think? 😂

Some of the posts on this thread man- so funny.

Cracking me up and getting my mind off sausage gate haha.

Yes he's selfish and thoughtless. No he won't change. Because he doesn't want to. Let that sink in.

My exH was exactly this way and wouldn't even make me a cup of tea because he didn't see what was in it for him.

You either accept you have a partner who is utterly selfish and will not change, or you get rid and find another who isn't so selfish. (Or be single, it's preferable IMHO)

Bit thick..

Do he just put his own clothes in the washing machine?

Oh it’s one of those ‘at least he takes th bins out’ threads 🙄

filling my car with petrol, checking tyre pressure, arranging MOT and insurance (I hate car stuff). Also all the kitchen cleaning - loading and unloading dishwasher clearing up after meals. Loads of other things I won’t bore you with.

Filling the car with petrol takes 5 minutes after the weekly shop.

Checking tyre pressure takes 5 minutes.

Insurance is dead easy and renewal quotes are competitive. My insurance company sent me a renewal quote for £300, I didn’t even have to do anything, I liked the amount so I let my policy renew. MOT will send a reminder for booking in an appt, it takes an hour once a year.

If you’re cleaning the house and cooking in return for him doing the above then you’ve been fooled big time.

What household tasks does he do apart from the dishwasher loading?

Same.

My DH is constantly thinking of his next meals that he will ask me what I’m having for dinner and I haven’t even thought or eaten breakfast yet. He does work out way more than I do so our diets are completely different with him usually making quite heavy meals and me often having light meals that would never fill him up alone. I do offer him some and vice versa but if neither of us are around, there isn’t enough, or we know the other isn’t keen on it (usually this reason), no.

No he does loads trust me! As I said there is loads and loads I could write. Car and kitchen are just 2 examples.

I used to always do the laundry for myself and my bf at the time when we lived together. The one time he did it, he specifically picked all his clothes out of the laundry basket and left mine in there for me to do myself.

It's just being selfish is what it is.

It’s weird because you were specific about the petrol, tyres and insurance, but when it comes to the household stuff, you just say ‘loads and loads’.

I would seriously assess how much you do for him.

You cook more than him. A man who does loads in the house would not make himself food and leave you out. And you know it.

I'm on the fence with this... yes, it's generally a nice thing to do to ask your partner if they want some.

BUT

When it comes to snacking, that last sliver of bacon, the remaining cut of cheese etc, there's nothing more annoying than when a partner says "oh I wanted that" when you've decided to eat it. It was there a WEEK, they could have had it at any time, and they chose that one second when you've taken the initiative to moan that it wasn't shared.

This is true for other things too... scrolling past the same movie on Netflix for a year, so when your partner is out, you decide to watch it, only for them to return and say "oh, I wanted to watch that!". No, these people just like to stir cause grief.

I think it's the routine rather than the act of asking itself.

DH and I don't have the same eating patterns or even like the same types of food. The only meal we share is dinner. There's no point in any of us asking the other 'would you like some' the answer's going to be no!

However if one of us brought home some cake we'd definitely ask the other if they'd like a piece. Equally, if we both ate breakfast (he doesn't) one of us wouldn't just start cooking for themselves without considering the other.

In my programmer's head though it's efficiency. Since I'm already cooking no bother to add some extra + put everything in the dishwasher at one go. No harm in checking..

It's OTT to check EVERY TIME you make something but if you have the same eating patterns I can see how that happens.

Yeah people seem to be on the fence which is making me reconsider.

You're his friend