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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 26/10/2023 19:51

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 19:21

I know you're probably right, I don't want to make it awkward when I see DS or GC. I just hope she hasn't felt this way for the last 15 years and I've been oblivious.

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OP you could perhaps get closer to the truth on this by talking to other people you are close to (DH, your siblings, your other children, friends).

Tell them that some things have happened recently that have made you feel that you might be a much more controlling and domineering person than you previously thought, and that if that's the case you're really determined to face it and do what's necessary to try and repair relationships. And ask them what their experience of you has been.

If you mean it - and you have to really mean it, so you should think very long and hard about how much listening and tongue biting and looking yourself truly in the eye would be necessary, and how you absolutely could not respond to any criticism by lashing out or sulking or any other 'punishing' behaviour - I think you will get an authentic response.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 19:54

She sounds appalling.

You deserve an apology.

I really can’t see how anyone in their right mind could think differently

HamBone · 26/10/2023 19:56

I agree with the PP’s saying that you should forward the message to her and your son so that they realize just how horrible it was.

Then wait for them to get in touch.

I’ve been angry with my PIL at times, I’m not especially keen on them really, but my DH would be mortified and angry with me if I ever did anything like this. Even if she can’t stand you, she needs to apologize for leaving an abusive message.

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 19:56

CaroleSinger · 26/10/2023 16:38

Definitely this. I'll even pay your phone bill 🤣

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Wow, internal misogynism is alive and kicking.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 20:04

Honestly Im always amazed by how appallingly some offspring treat their parents these days (ESPECIALLY their mother)

And it also never fails to surprise me how women on here will do anything they can to affirm the “children” and blame everything and anything on the mother.

soooooo much internalised misogyny

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 20:06

Oh and Op don’t go out of your way to babysit for them…. If they want to go out for a Saturday night they’ll have to pay for a sitter! Get their wallets out. Shame, they should have thought of that before she had the audacity to open her gob and subject you to such poison.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 26/10/2023 20:07

Record it and send it to your son. Say I'd like move on but I'm still really hurt and confused by this? Can we talk about it and put it to bed?

If she doesn't remember it or parts of it (questionable) it would be better if they heard it in the cold light of day, and squirmed. "Forget it" is unfair, he's never heard it and she was too drunk, so easy for them, but not for you.

Hopefully then you ll get an apology or proper explanation, but it's obviously not OK for her air issues like this!

Goldfishonabike · 26/10/2023 20:09

Must be a lot of backstory here. Maybe reflect on that and try to get to the root of this situation.

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 20:11

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 20:04

Honestly Im always amazed by how appallingly some offspring treat their parents these days (ESPECIALLY their mother)

And it also never fails to surprise me how women on here will do anything they can to affirm the “children” and blame everything and anything on the mother.

soooooo much internalised misogyny

This AND advocate calling the MIL vulgar names, that men reseve for women. Amazing

Notimeforaname · 26/10/2023 20:13

and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
No, YOU shouldn't let her speak to you like this. It's not on him. I suspect she has been trying to get him to talk to you and he doesnt want to get involved, so no, you shouldn't involve him either.

I understand saying nothing, for the grandchildren but I know a couple who now jump through hoops to see their grandchildren because of the threat of possibly not seeing them if they open their mouths about how they are being treated. And the children's mother copped on quickly to this and has all the power. Its embarrassing and sad seeing what those people will put up with to see the children. It's so wrong.

FrippEnos · 26/10/2023 20:14

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 17:32

I think the fact that you said, ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ speaks volumes. Is she controlled by your DS and can only say what he tells her? Do you think that should be the case? He’s not her boss.

I'm wondering if things like ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ are often said in a way that the OP feels should be the DiL's place.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 26/10/2023 20:21

@NotSuchASmugMarried this is the best thing I’ve ever read on here

Cumbrianlife · 26/10/2023 20:47

I was on your side till you wrote your son shouldn’t let her do speak to you like this. This is 2023. A woman is not a man’s possession. She can do as she pleases.

i suspect sadly you’ve just found out the truth of what she thinks and as your son isn’t for acting then I’d be wondering if he thinks it too and doesn’t wish to say it. Sorry op.
This^whether it's true or not is different from it being what they really think, but their behaviour since seems to confirm it.

Coyoacan · 26/10/2023 20:49

In the old days, the aborigines had a very complex kinship system, but among its many rules was one that kept MILs and SILs and DILs apart. It is by its very nature a fraught relationship because we do not get to choose our PILs, SILs or DILs, but we have to try to keep up a good relationship or we could lose parent/child/grandchild or husband/wife relationship. Some people are lucky and they hit it off but a lot of others have to fake it. I personally only made friends with my MIL after I split up from her son, because then I knew she wasn't faking it.

But I'm really sorry OP that this has happened to you.

Brunts12 · 26/10/2023 20:51

OP how often do you see your son and grandchildren?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 26/10/2023 20:55

I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology from her. The fact that she hasn't apologised shows her true nature. I wouldn't trust her now. It's a shame, but she's shown you who she is.

Mydogmybestfriend · 26/10/2023 21:12

Maybe there is some truth to these allegations. I doubt you are great friends then she suddenly sends this
What have you been doing to her?

saraclara · 26/10/2023 21:19

Mydogmybestfriend · 26/10/2023 21:12

Maybe there is some truth to these allegations. I doubt you are great friends then she suddenly sends this
What have you been doing to her?

What have you been doing to her?

Again. Would you say the same to a DIL who posted here about her MIL leaving her an abusive message like this?

AlexandriasWindmill · 26/10/2023 21:20

Perhaps it was an attempt to hold you accountable for certain behaviours with the 'drunk' excuse if you didn't take accountability and apologise. Since 'lots' of things were listed but you seem to think none of them were valid, your DS and DDIL are pretending none of it was meant. Brushing it under the carpet is the only way to continue the relationship.
Your DS could easily have challenged the comments about you as a mother. His opinion on that is the only one that counts. The fact he hasn't is interesting.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 21:24

FrippEnos · 26/10/2023 20:14

I'm wondering if things like ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ are often said in a way that the OP feels should be the DiL's place.

Show quote history

I think it's said because any mum would want to think that her own child wouldn't let their partner speak to them like this.

I know my DDs wouldn't accept that from their partners, and nor would I or my late husband have from each other.

My kids' silence would hurt far more than anything their partners could say to me

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 21:47

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 19:56

Wow, internal misogynism is alive and kicking.

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What an idiotic comment!

RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 21:48

Alcohol goes in truth comes out.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/10/2023 22:01

1990thatsme · 26/10/2023 16:35

Is there some kind of back story? I find it hard to believe this came out of nowhere...

I was thinking this too.

But not in an excusing the behaviour way... Just like she's clearly got beef and in vino veritas.

I'd press from an answer and get her to air her grievances (real or imagined). It's ridiculous to think your DS can say whoops she was pissed and who knows! And everything goes back to normal....

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 22:04

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 21:47

What an idiotic comment!

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So a woman calling another woman a slag or a tart isn't internalised misogyny? I don't think I'm the idiot.

MysteryBelle · 26/10/2023 22:08

jlpth · 26/10/2023 19:34

Use your mobile phone to record the message and send it to your ds

This