DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

[zarasmyworld]

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

Yes. Speak to your son and do not let it drop.

Grandmother's are to be quiet unless spoken to. Provide help and childcare and STFU. Its sad

Yep. The amount of stuff that we have to bottle up, and the amount of pretence involved in order not to 'overstep' is way more than I expected. And I have a really reasonable and nice DD and son in law. But standing back and letting them make mistakes, not letting them know when you're hurt or upset, making sure that you're being the perfect parent/MIL/grandma at all times, is a lot of emotional strain.

OP is absolutely entitled to have a furious rant at them. And if she'd left that message for DIL they'd have absolutely kicked off at her. But she has to tread the tightrope, because she doesn't want to lose her son, and her relationship with her grandkids.

And that goes for every single thread on here.

"The tip of the tongue shows the back of the mind."

It's not come from nowhere OP. If my husband called up my mum and said the same things your DIL said to you, even pissed as a fart, I'd be threatening divorce, not pooh poohing the whole escapade.

Perhaps it would be better if @zarasmyworld husband had a chat with his son. They're both once removed from the situation.

Sorry, I asked upthread but it is quick moving- is it clear that the message is for you and not her own mother?

This!

Why would she say to her own mother that her husband was a mug for putting up with her [the mother]?

Ah yes that is true, was grasping at straws 🤣

@maddening yes I know it was meant to be me because she mentioned my husband by name.

She means it, pure and simple. She's probably had several fights with your son over it. Your son knows she doesn't like you but doesn't want her to say anything because he doesn't want the drama of mum and wife fighting. She festers, gets drunk, sends you voicemail.

She knows she meant it, she isn't going to give you a fake apology, but can't have it out with you. So she pretends it didn't happen. Any apology you get wouldn't be meant.

Whether she had a point or not, you can choose to push it, or accept thats how she feels and carry on as you like to with that information. If there's grandkids involved you may wish to go along with pretending it didn't happen if it would make seeing them more difficult, then fade away from her as kids grow. You could distance yourself from her and accept that may come with consequences in seeing your son and grandkids.

Yeah, I have to agree that your son is the problem here. Most people would be horrified if their partner drunk or not phone their parent to leave abuse on the phone without a backstory or even if there was one.
I don't find the OP's reaction to be one of a narc. I don't find her DIL's behaviour strange if she has been fed an untrue narrative by a narc husband , but been told to.hold it down to keep the peace....but drink has enabled her to loosen her tongue.
The son is the narc and gaslighter and is probably got his wife's mind like overcooked linguine behind closed doors.
Nothing else makes sense, even if the OP was a narc. Narcs do not seek out validation. They always feel validated. That's their fucking problem! Reflection or doubt has no parts their mindframe.
Sorry OP, but your son is probably not a great husband and has triangulated you and his wife, whilst convincing her that it is you and he who have issues. And all the while, his behaviour in his marriage is not as focused upon consistently as it should be.

I know you're probably right, I don't want to make it awkward when I see DS or GC. I just hope she hasn't felt this way for the last 15 years and I've been oblivious.

I’m trying to imagine how I’d react if I received a message like that from my DIL. I’d be going over every recent interaction in my head, wondering if something I’d said could have been misinterpreted. I would never deliberately do anything to upset her, but I’d worry that I’d done something inadvertently. I don’t think I could be 100% positive that it was completely out of nowhere. Serious misunderstandings can happen quite easily. Maybe it’s better to try to straighten things out, rather than demanding an apology?

I think you should definitely push for a conversation about it. If she does mean it (she does!) you can have a conversation about it and everyone will know where they stand. Make sure your son is there to ensure there is no confusion!

A forced apology is not worth a jot.

You now know how they feel about you, so step back.

Can you arrange to see your grandchildren out and about / for short periods / or your son takes them to you?

He’s not much better, but he is your son and your grandchildren are important to you- if you can tolerate him.

What does your husband say 🤔

Sorry but she's got a drink problem if she's doing shit like that - she shouldn't go near it

Apology or not, she wouldn’t be darkening my door again, ever. Some things can be forgiven, but something like that would be a deal breaker for me. Of course she remembers doing it, she’s just too much of a coward to admit it.

I'd invite them both round and play the recording out loud and ask for their reasoning. Maybe your DS doesn't realise how bad it is? Reiterate how hurt you are by the accusations.

This sounds very unpleasant for you but sounds like there are some underlying issues that needs to be adressed. Sober thoughts often come out when alcohol is involved

Use your mobile phone to record the message and send it to your ds

I had a similar phonecall from a friend in a friendship group I've had for 25 years. In this instance, the woman is an alcoholic. Its really not normal behaviour for your daughter in law to behave like this. I think your son is trying to smooth it over by minimising it. In my opinion, he has no understanding of its significance and hurtfulness to you.

In my case, I've just decided to no longer be friends however, you can't do that. You need to keep contact with your son and dil and grand children.

As some folks upthread have said, person to person you should sympathetically say , you wish to clear the air and just feel you needed to talk face to face about it.

Then for your peace of mind put it behind you. After sympathetically trying to resolve in person, you've done what you can. As you might expect your son to intervene, i expected the rest of our friendship group to intervene, but they all without exception decided that what happened was between her and me and they werent getting involved. They wanted to stay 'neutral'.
But rest assured, your dil 's behaviour is not normal.

How old are your grand kids? My children have phones and I encourage my m’n’law to contact them directly so they can have a relationship with her (because she’s been very nasty to me and I am low contact with her). I think maybe a good time to build your relationship directly with grandkids if they are old enough your daughter’n’laws likely feeling guilty so won’t stop you hopefully

Yup. She meant it. Least you know now. If you want to push it, speak to your son, but you may want to just quietly pretend you don’t know, given there are GCs involved. Might be also worth a bit of reflection about where her feelings come from op, rather than dismissing what she said completely?