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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for her ticket or any part of it?

451 replies

HalfTermDayOut · 26/10/2023 12:32

Half term next week. Going to an attraction with my DD (aged 9) and my mum.

I get DLA for DD, so my ticket is free as a carers ticket (and I always spend in the gift shop/experiences while there to make up for it).

Mum invited herself to come along, so I said she’d have to pay for her own ticket.

She’s saying no, either she gets in on the carers ticket and I pay for my ticket or we split the cost of 1 adult ticket equally between us so it’s cost us both the same.

I don’t care if she comes or not, DD is not bothered if she’s there or not. She wants to come because she has serious FOMO and won’t miss out on something.

So WIBU? Me or mum?

Vote:
YANBU - Don't pay any part of her ticket
YABU - Split it or let her in for free and pay for yourself

OP posts:
Wonkasworld · 27/10/2023 21:05

Thedm · 27/10/2023 19:51

You might have apologised for being mean spirited and writing the post, but you haven’t actually said whether or not your opinion has actually been changed. Are you sorry for posting publicly and being told off? Or are you sorry for what you said because you’ve realised how wrong you were and genuinely have changed your opinion?

Show quote history

I think my post said it all. Nah, not good enough for you, though. Take your interrogation elsewhere.

Passepartoute · 27/10/2023 21:07

CountryShepherd · 27/10/2023 18:54

I think that carers are often on lower incomes due to their caring responsibilities, meaning that, without these concessions, they and the people they look after would miss on things that many others enjoy.

I think its bloody great that efforts are made to make life more accessible for people who have caring responsibilities.

Show quote history

For an attraction like this, it's also a commercial decision. If they don't offer free tickets for carers, disabled people simply wouldn't visit them, so they would miss out on ticket sales to them and potentially other members of their families, to say nothing of the money they may spend on other things like food etc whilst at the venue. Plus, of course, the owners are well aware that becoming known as that venue that discourages disabled people is terrible PR.

Autiebibliophile · 27/10/2023 21:14

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 26/10/2023 12:41

I would split the cost. But then I think free carers tickets are a weird concept, you're hardly going to send any 9 year old to an attraction alone whether they have additional needs or not.

It's a small win in a world of many fails

agonyau · 27/10/2023 21:24

Difficult to judge this one without knowing what your relationship with your mum is generally like, and how tight finances are for either of you, but I guess the fact you’re ‘Not bothered if she comes or not’ implies you’re not close? I don’t understand how she got wind of your planned outing, presumably you were chatting to her about it?

Anyway, If you cannot afford to split cost of ticket simply say so politely; “sorry, I can’t afford to pay half of your ticket, maybe we can do something cheaper all together another time?” Keep things amicable if you can.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 27/10/2023 21:45

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 18:37

You know who else had issues with disabled people, Nazis.

If I were to give my son over to Social Services for care it would cost thousands of pounds per WEEK to accommodate all his care needs, constant 24/7 1 on 1 care with multiple staff and professionals, every.single.fucking.day.

So many of you just make me utterly sick to belong to the same species.

This.

Carers have to carry out at last 35 hours of care per week. If carers were paid National Living Wage for this, they'd get £365 per week. Some work or are on call in the building 24/7, which would earn £1750 per week on NLW.

Because carers do this work out of love, they get paid the same subsistence income as a job seeker who is doing no caring or other work at all, £76.75.

Every carer is saving the Govt a minimum of £290 per week whilst suffering from near-poverty.

So seriously, anyone begrudging them the free carer's ticket, which they probably won't even get much enjoyment from because they will be busy caring, can get in the bin.

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 21:50

I can't imagine any situation where the mum wouldn't pay for everyone and refuse the adult child's money, particularly if the grandchild is disabled. Parenting never stops.

Teder · 27/10/2023 22:54

Nokoolaidherethanks · 27/10/2023 20:24

I actually like spending time with my mum, and I value my kids spending time with their grandparents so I'd pay for my mum if it was a problem for her to pay. Grandparents/parents won't be around forever. You might regret petty arguments like this later on.

Well if grandparents value spending time with their grandchildren, they’d pay knowing they won’t be around forever.

I cannot imagine being a grandparent (who works full time) asking my single parent adult child who cares for my disabled grandchild to pay for my ticket!!

Tragically, some of the children in these situations won’t be around forever. The grandparents may well outlive them. They might regret petty arguments like this later on.

Beentheredonethat123 · 27/10/2023 23:01

stayathomer · 26/10/2023 12:57

Honestly? You're both being unreasonable. I just can't imagine this conversation.
Can you elaborate? How is OP unreasonable?
They are both unreasonable and petty arguing over paying in to go to a nice attraction with a child. I hope they don't argue in front of her or the day is ruined anyway. Op if you can't afford it just tell her you can't afford it, if oyu can well it's nice to treat people sometimes. Do you both argue like this all the time?

I can't understand posters who are labeling OP as unreasonable and that she should pay for what is HER free entry.
So when OPs mum gets her OAP free bus pass, will she pay OPs fare for her if OP decides to catch the bus somewhere with her?
No? thought not!

Dibbydoos · 28/10/2023 00:06

I can't believe how petty some posts are, she's your mum. Don't yiu like her? Won't you miss her when she's no longer here? FGS if you can afford it, split the cost...

HowcanIhelp123 · 28/10/2023 00:17

Dibbydoos · 28/10/2023 00:06

I can't believe how petty some posts are, she's your mum. Don't yiu like her? Won't you miss her when she's no longer here? FGS if you can afford it, split the cost...

She invited herself, OP was more than happy to go alone!

I assume if thats your way of thinking you invite your mum and MIL on every single family trip and holiday and offer to pay for them to do so? Never want any time with your kids or as a family without them?

AliceOlive · 28/10/2023 00:21

lamalamalamasquirrel · 26/10/2023 12:37

Up to you but I'd be splitting the cost of the adult ticket personally. I think this one depends on your relationship, finances and if you want her to come or not.

I wonder why?

My Mom would never invite herself and expect me to pay. If I offered she would refuse and I have the means to pay.

OP is your mom always like this?

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 28/10/2023 00:22

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 26/10/2023 12:41

I would split the cost. But then I think free carers tickets are a weird concept, you're hardly going to send any 9 year old to an attraction alone whether they have additional needs or not.

Hardly a weird concept. If you have to provide extra care to the child, you don't immerse yourself in the experience. You're there for them. And you're usually on pins 🤦🏻‍♀️

Insommmmnia · 28/10/2023 00:36

JMAngel1 · 27/10/2023 18:19

Why does the mum get a free ticket as a "carer"? Couldn't we say the same for all parents?

Well that depends. Will you still be changing your child's nappies when they are an adult? Taking him to get special helmets fitted because otherwise he self harms by banging his head off a wall. Needing 24/7 care for him, but with very little provision or funding for it. Having to get up in the night to check on him several times a night every single day of his life. Miss out on social events because you have no one who is willing to look aver him. Having to buy special equipment to support him. Having to wrestle with the decisions about what will happen to him when you die. Spend years trying to understand what a non verbal child/adult wants and needs and then fight battles to advocate for that

Or will your children live completely normal lives, stop needing nappies, stop needing checking on every night, be able to go to a normal school, speak, read, sing, dance. Will you get to watch them pass exams and get job, move out, have relationships, maybe have children of their own.

No, we can't say the same for all parents. Parenting vs parenting and caring for someone disabled are not the same thing. Shame on you for thinking they are.

HMW1906 · 28/10/2023 00:52

As she’s invited herself she obviously wants to spend some time with you and DD so I’d probably be tempted to go halves on all the tickets with her so you both pay for half of the adult ticket and half of your daughters ticket but I suppose it depends how much you would like to spend some time with her.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/10/2023 06:59

You are not unreasonable OP to leave your mum to pay for herself. I am surprised she is not just glad you are able to make a small financial saving for yourself. Many in her position would be offering to treat your DD to her ticket.

What’s even more shocking though is the casual (or not so casual actually) ableism on this thread from posters who do not seem to understand why you should get free entry as a carer. These people are either very stupid or horrendously lacking in basic decency.

Mammyloveswine · 28/10/2023 07:22

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 26/10/2023 12:41

I would split the cost. But then I think free carers tickets are a weird concept, you're hardly going to send any 9 year old to an attraction alone whether they have additional needs or not.

The point is many children with additional needs cannot access the full attraction or can't do so without significant support from an adult (or carer). They may have to leave the attraction early due to sensory issues or being overwhelmed.

How bloody ableist of you, and also incredibly entitled to think it's a "weird concept".

EtiennePalmiere · 28/10/2023 07:55

You are technically right of course. It does seem a bit unusual that you spend money in the gift shop every time, but you wouldn't put this money towards your own mother? Is there some backstory here?

Gerrataere · 28/10/2023 08:00

EtiennePalmiere · 28/10/2023 07:55

You are technically right of course. It does seem a bit unusual that you spend money in the gift shop every time, but you wouldn't put this money towards your own mother? Is there some backstory here?

Yes, the backstory is that the op hadn’t invited her mum on this trip, can only afford to go because as a carer her ticket is free and anyone who invites themselves along to an event should pay their own ticket rather than expect someone on low income to cover them. It’s pretty much all there in the OP and has been repeated throughout the thread at this point…

EtiennePalmiere · 28/10/2023 08:44

I know and all that makes sense, it's the gift shop purchases every time to "make up" for the free ticket make me think it's not just about money.

hellohellothere · 28/10/2023 08:45

The cheek of your mum. She invites herself along, then won't pay for her ticket. Surely she knows you're struggling for cash. I'd tell her to pay or not come. It sounds like you'll have a nicer time without anyway.

violetsky19 · 28/10/2023 08:52

YANBU - if your mum has invited herself, she should be expecting to pay for her ticket in full…
If you want her to go you could split the cost of the additional adult ticket but are not obliged too. Depends on your relationship with your mum, although rather cheeky of her to expect the carers ticket!

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 28/10/2023 08:56

You planned a day out with your child and budgeted for that. You planned for just you and her. That is what you should be paying.
a third party (who it is is irrelevant) invited themselves along. You dis not invite them. They told you they were coming. They are coming because THEY want a day out.

Third party has no right to expect you to fund their outing on a trip to which they were not invited. I would very clearly say that while you do not object to them joining you that you will not be funding their ticket. Stick to your guns.

Gerrataere · 28/10/2023 09:04

EtiennePalmiere · 28/10/2023 08:44

I know and all that makes sense, it's the gift shop purchases every time to "make up" for the free ticket make me think it's not just about money.

A gift shop item (whilst overpriced) may not be the cost of a ticket. Regardless, why should the child miss out on memorabilia of the day just because granny decided she should be paid for, on a trip she wasn’t invited to? What if granny wants food brought for her as well, since presumably the op will be making a packed lunch anyway? And will she need picking up? Going out of her way in the car to get another person is more petrol… these things start to add up beyond the price of a ticket when someone feels they need to be accommodated.

funinthesun19 · 28/10/2023 09:18

Why does the mum get a free ticket as a "carer"? Couldn't we say the same for all parents?

Do you have a child with a disability/ additional needs? I’m guessing you don’t otherwise you would understand why a parent enters these attractions as a free carer.

My DS receives DLA because he needs extra supervision everywhere he goes to keep him safe. He’s 10 years old. Most 10 year olds are able to look after themselves and keep themselves safe. My DS can’t. I might be his mum, but I’m also his carer.

I can’t waltz in to an attraction for a day out with my family the same way you can.

angielizzy1 · 28/10/2023 09:21

I used to get carers allowance for my daughter, is a benefit that forces you to live in poverty, you can work a little alongside carers allowance but if you earn 1p too much you will loose the whole amount of carers allowance for that month which is far more than 1p so you have absolutely no way to increase your income by working more. You also need to find a job that you can fit in with your caring requirements which for me meant being available to treat a medical emergency for my daughter 24/7 including waking up in the night and getting calls from school or needing to go to school at a moment's notice which as you can imagine makes it very hard to find a job in the first place, even just working while she was at school was impossible. I got cares tickets to visit places and there is no way at all my mum would have ever suggested she should have it(unless offering to take my daughter out by herself to give me a break) she would have been far more likely to pay for my daughter as well as herself, knowing how limited my income was. Without a free carers ticket we wouldn't have been able to afford to go to most places.
My daughter had benefited from some new technology that has substantially reduced her care needs, we don't get any benefits for her anymore (except she had a free bus pass as she can't drive for medical reasons) but it has meant she can do more or less everything her peers can do (including planning on going away to university which a few years ago we didn't think would be possible) and I can work without being exhausted from being up all night or worrying about if I'm going to need to leave to help her at any moment and I definitely prefer not to be entitled to carers tickets

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