Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

My best friend's mum had a relationship with her dad's brother (best friend's uncle) - My best friend is 49 and still holds resentment and disgust towards both of them for how their sex life messed the family up and how she feels about her mum. She loves her mum, but has zero respect for her.

Find another man.

I don’t think this was premeditated and I don’t think the in-laws should freak if handled properly. They don’t have to scream it from the rooftops just yet but if she
feels attracted to BIL and is enjoying his company, why can’t they keep it quiet until
they see where things are going. If her in-laws like her I think they should accept the relationship. It’s not like they were carrying on before the divorce.

Certainly won’t be brutal to you, but I think leave it as a one off
dating your BIL, your child uncle and husband brother is fraught with drama and problems
I wish you well going forward you’ve had a ghastly time and are processing the hurt and pain of that

It's funny though, if a man was primary carer for his child with cerebral palsy and the mother didn't really play any part in the ehcp/continuing care etc part of having a disabled child but the mothers sister was around helping to take the child to respite etc. and then thought he deserved a nice day out then people would be able to see why the man might get close with the sister!

He isn’t ‘helping’ with the child though is he? By the OPs account he’s in the Navy ffs and this was a one off. He helped once when she needed it and then suddenly…. Screwing. Bah the lot of you who are saying go for it are bat shit crazy. I bet you’d all be slagging a mother off for introducing a child to another man within 6 months.. but the BIL, Uncle.. go for for it.

Op if I was you and I had found my love for Sex again after a hard time, and a dry time in the bedroom I’d be looking for it all over the place (Safely of course). But come on? Don’t screw your ex husbands brother ffs.

The trouble is, that there will always be the suspicion that they were carrying on before the divorce! OP, I don't think that you did anything wrong whatsoever, but I agree with PP that you are playing with high explosives and it just wouldn't be fair on your child if it all went wrong (which it is far more likely to do than not, if I'm honest) I think enjoy it as a one off and let it put a smile on your face, but move on. Too dangerous, truly.

It sounds like you had a lovely time and he sounds like a nice bloke.
I think you both deserve a proper conversation about it in person rather than ignoring it.

This. Don't shit where you eat, basically.

Don't make silly comments then!

I'm not sure I can read all of these responses but thank you everyone.

Just wanted to reply to a couple of things I've seen.

Dc goes to a hospice for respite care and will need lifelong care. Day to day can be tough and we have spent a lot of time in hospital over the years. It's not always easy and it's lonely but I don't think of myself as emotionally vulnerable. After my ex left (probably before) I shut down that romantic/relationship part of me. I don't think my brain could deal with everything and feeling sorry for myself on top of that. I have had some bereavement therapy. I feel ok but I don't feel like I'm "me" if that makes any kind of sense? Dc is my world i wouldn't change anything and tbh parenting/caring is easier on my own then it was with my ex.

I'm not in love with ex bil and vice versa. I can't explain this properly but I think we do love each other in some way. Love is maybe not the right word. He's stood up for me when my ex dh wasn't being so nice and we've always gotten on and had fun. It's never been romantic or flirting imo but idk how he felt.

He facetimed this evening to say night to dc and it didn't feel awkward (not unusual will do this every now and then and same with other nieces and nephews). Messaged afterwards saying miss you and asking when I was free for a catch up. So i guess will have to bite the bullet and talk it over.

I feel less icky about things. I think i was projecting a lot onto myself but it wasn't seedy and I don't believe there was anything planned. It is objectively weird and messy though. I wouldn't want anyone else to know. I don't want to deal with a big emotional fallout. I really can't picture my life with a relationship in it and I think ex bil should have fun and not be tied into anything this complicated either. I agree with people who said if it's not going anywhere it's not worth the risk.

It was nice to feel nice for a bit. I think we'll leave it at that.

To all the people who say go for it, do you not think the collateral damage is too much, others will be hurt

I think that's very sensible.

Best wishes to you x

@DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed @GabriellaMontez I'd give the same advice if the genders were reversed, so no, I don't think women are the property of men. 🙄 Funny how you went there.

However, I do think if you want any kind of romantic or sexual involvement with the ex of a close relative or friend, you need to do them the decency of checking how they would feel. I mean, if my sister slept with my ex, I'd feel betrayed if she hadn't spoken to me first about whether I was OK with her pursuing something. If she'd asked first and my ex wasn't a complete tosser, I might be open to it.

If you have a close relationship with someone, you know your actions impact on their feelings and you give a damn about it. The more I think about it, the more I worry that the BIL is not the nice guy the OP thinks he is, if he was prepared to potentially hurt his brother in this way.

@WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning Without a conversation, I think exes are always off-limits. And TBH, I don't think a one-off shag is worth it. You'd only want to have that conversation if you'd caught feelings and thought it was worth risking things.

In any case, I don't think the OP is the one who has broken any kind of moral code - it's the BIL. She no longer owes her ex anything, but the BIL certainly does owe his brother something.

I'm so glad to read your update, OP. Can I just say, I take my hat off to you. You are obviously full of grace and maturity, and you deserve a satisfying sex life and a lovely relationship. I have no doubt that you will be able to talk this out with your BIL and leave it in the past, and move on without any damage.

@Squirre You have nothing to be ashamed about, but based on your update, for the sake of family harmony, I agree it makes sense to treat this as a one-off and put it back in the box without telling anyone.

I'm glad you felt nice, and maybe this is a good reminder that you do still enjoy physical intimacy and you're getting closer to being ready to date again (even if that's on a casual FWB basis rather than anything more serious). Just something to start mulling over. From experience, once you're out of the dating game for a while, you need to sit with the idea for a while before you go back in.

@twostraws actually I didn't 'go' anywhere. You have made the assumption I would be fine if the sexes were reversed.
i wouldn't. The only person who needs to give their blessing (or permission as its normally called) is the adult you are having sex with.

It may be unwise to shag your exs sibling but you don't need permission

I’m also heartened to read your response op, you sound very sensible and kind to me, and I’m really glad you’re ignoring the very odd responses of yeah you go girl, get yours. Honestly so disturbing.

The same posters would be the first to start a thread saying dropped my kid off at their dads and my little sister was there, they’ve been shagging.

the responses would not be, good for him he deserves it.

🤮

I wanted to apologize if my comment came off as harsh. I didn’t mean to say that about you as a person but regarding the situation. This may have been an awakening you really needed bc you felt comfortable. You deserve love, and sex, and dirty thoughts. You deserve to have these feelings. It’s just too messy in my opinion. Move on from it. Wipe the feelings of shame, guilt, etc. live your life

Yep, cos mumsnet, and the AIBU board in particular, is notorious for being supportive to OPs 

You sound so kind and sensible. With the greatest of respect to them I'm glad you're not going down the route some PPs have suggested of 'just carry on in secret'. It wasn't seedy at all but with all the complications it probably wouldn't stay fun for long. Glad you're having a chat with him to to let him know what's what. Hopefully he'll remain close and things will go back to how they were.

Regarding not feeling like you any more, is there anything that can be done about that- do you have time for any of your friends or interests during respite periods?

Hello OP!

I also wanted to tell you that you sound like a really good mum and very kind person. Please do not beat yourself up about this!

you shouldn’t feel guilty imo. You do not owe your ex-husband anything in regards to your sex life.
You are divorced and he does not have any claim or loyalty “owed”.
You could sleep with the entire town and he still would not have the right to be upset.

your BIL’s behaviour is much more shady imo. I would never do that to my siblings. So I would wonder what he was thinking. And if he really was a “good guy”.

I also do not trink that this was “creepy” or “awful” because you met when you were children / teenagers.
You are both adults nowadays and there is barely an age gap. He left when he was 18 and you had a physical encounter over 10 years later. That is NOT creepy or “awful”.

what makes this a bad idea is that this may have a horrible impact on your former in-laws. They might take your ex-DH’s side. They might distance themselves to not take sides. They may very well put all the blame on you, paint you as a villain and excuse the actions of your ex-BIL.

What I would therefore do:

1. tell ex-BIL that it was a mistake and must never be mentioned or talked about.
2. do not put anything in writing. Leave no evidence, messages somebody could accidentally read etc. This may feel dishonest but it really is for your DD.

I don’t actually think it is that bad.
I mean, it’s not like having an affair with your brother in law.

If it has the potential to be a real, long term relationship, the initial reaction will be poor but they will come round to it.

What is your relationship like with your ex now?

I'm sorry, but I really think that this take is rather naive. I totally agree that the OP has done nothing wrong, and that it isn't an affair. However, there is such a thing as perception, and if they decide to start a relationship and go public with it, then there is the potential for a tremendous bad fallout. I just can't think of any family who would be cool with this, and as OP is the 'outsider' so to speak, the parents are highly likely to side with their sons and paint the OP as a homewrecker. It is unfair, yes, but our culture is steeped in misogyny and it would be foolish to pretend otherwise. If there were no children involved, I might feel differently, but the OP's DC doesn't deserve to suffer the inevitable fallout, nor to feel disrupted and confused by the shift of their uncle becoming their stepdad.

Last update from me.

We talked it over and it was fine.

Kept it fairly brief really but it was emotionally heavy. He said he loved me and dc and this doesn't change anything. He said he had feelings before which started when we spent time together post divorce but he could push away as we spent long periods not spending time together. He's not close to ex dh so when we have been together he had to keep reminding himself I was his ex.sil and not just a single friend. Said he never intended to act on anything but when it happened he didn't think about anything else outside of me and the moment. He wanted to stay in the bubble for as long as possible as he knew it couldn't be anything more and he felt like shit afterwards. I feel stupid and naive for missing the feelings stuff. I said I was sorry for everything that I should have been more aware but I didn't regret the time we spent together even though the sex should have never happened.

Agreed to put it in the past and to not spend any one on one time together and only talk via the family whatsapp. Said he wished things were different but agreed that it's not worth putting what we have (as things go a pretty happy family situation post divorce) at risk. And that was that. We didn't really talk about ex dh or other family/what people would think as we were on the same page that this shouldn't be anything more.

I had a massive cry afterwards and feel weird and emotional even now. Ridiculous I know but I don't think I felt this bad after ex dh left. Idk how to explain it - like I've been a robot and my emotions have switched on for the first time? I need to take the advice and get some therapy. This is a me problem to process and having experienced an emotionally volatile parent I don't want to risk falling into self destruction.

I don't want to date or get into anything where I might have to expose my feelings like this again. I want to be loved and have a sex life but I don't want to open the door to hurt. I obviously need something more in my life though and I need some irl friends outside of my ex in laws! Maybe a knitting circle and a vibrator 😅🙈 not to be used at the same time haha 🙈

Thanks everyone for replying. It showed just how divisive this situation is and how strongly people feel. I'm lucky that this is all it is. I wouldn't be able to deal with this irl and it would be justified for people to be angry at me.

@Squirre OP I really feel for you. you deserve happiness. I really hope you find someone who treats you with love and kindness.

in the meantime enjoy making new friends and please don't mix up your knitting needles and your vibrator...😂