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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

324 replies

Squirre · 25/10/2023 12:04

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

OP posts:
Astonymission · 25/10/2023 18:36

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 18:14

I do believe some posters think the most important response is to support the op at all costs. That that’s what they are looking for.

i genuinely do not believe even one person on here thinks your marriage ends, you habe a child together and it’s ok to shag your bil. Or for the bil to start doing his brothers ex wife.

i think folks are just trying to make the op feel better about it. Whilst raising an eyebrow behind their screens. This isn’t just some ex boyfriend, it’s her ex husband and they have a child together. The bil seeing the child it’s because he is his nephew for gods sake. The confusion for the child alone is heinous.

helping the op isn’t saying oh there, it’s all ok dear. It’s fine to do your in-laws, your all adults. What’s a bit of family shagging. It’s more to be honest and say this is not a good idea.

It’s best to speak to him and explain it won’t happen again as if it got out or he tells, it will cause so much family damage, very few people are so laid back they’d accept this. The cringe factor at family events for one thing, the two brothers both having had sex with the same woman, and not just an ex girlfriend, but the ex wife with a child. It’s just too much.

This is spot on. I think in their desperation to not sound “judgmental” or “boring” they’re just going overboard and not being sensible at all.

Even OP herself said “I don't have siblings but can completely imagine I would be retching if I did and my ex slept with my sister.” Which pretty much answers the question.

While I don’t think OP should beat herself up about it, since it’s done and dusted I definitely don’t think it’s a nice thing that should be repeated or encouraged. But imagine being at family occasions and not knowing your sibling has been with your ex wife. I do feel sorry for the ex husband and maybe it’s best if he never finds out ! Although if eastenders is any reflection on real life these things never stay a secret and truth always comes out 😩

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 18:36

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 16:52

It's not disgusting!!! It just happened. Things do sometimes.

It might be unwise to continue because of the potential fallout but don't beat yourself up over this.

Some people would have you in sackcloth and ashes for being a whore ffs!! You're not. You're only human, and life hasn't been easy for you. Please don't listen to the moralistic crusaders.

For me, the main obstacle here is that you have a child. Sounds like ex has moved on, and the ILs might not object in any way. I'm not convinced it's worth the risk but you are in no way a terrible person for sleeping with him.

Show quote history

Of course it’s disgusting!

They’ve been siblings in law for years, he’s her kids uncle.

There are thousands of single people in the country.

Going for your BIL/SIL is just sick.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:37

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 18:14

I do believe some posters think the most important response is to support the op at all costs. That that’s what they are looking for.

i genuinely do not believe even one person on here thinks your marriage ends, you habe a child together and it’s ok to shag your bil. Or for the bil to start doing his brothers ex wife.

i think folks are just trying to make the op feel better about it. Whilst raising an eyebrow behind their screens. This isn’t just some ex boyfriend, it’s her ex husband and they have a child together. The bil seeing the child it’s because he is his nephew for gods sake. The confusion for the child alone is heinous.

helping the op isn’t saying oh there, it’s all ok dear. It’s fine to do your in-laws, your all adults. What’s a bit of family shagging. It’s more to be honest and say this is not a good idea.

It’s best to speak to him and explain it won’t happen again as if it got out or he tells, it will cause so much family damage, very few people are so laid back they’d accept this. The cringe factor at family events for one thing, the two brothers both having had sex with the same woman, and not just an ex girlfriend, but the ex wife with a child. It’s just too much.

Well I for one think you're wrong. As I said before, it's probably unwise but it's not wrong, and the OP should absolutely not be beating herself up over it.

I know someone who divorced her husband, and has been with his brother for many years now. I don't think it caused any rifts afaik. They didn't have a child though; the brother did.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:38

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 18:36

Of course it’s disgusting!

They’ve been siblings in law for years, he’s her kids uncle.

There are thousands of single people in the country.

Going for your BIL/SIL is just sick.

Show quote history

You need to get out more.

It's not sick. They are both single, and no longer related by marriage.

Why do you feel you have to shame the OP? That's sick.

HidingHereForTomorrow · 25/10/2023 18:51

I really can’t believe the responses, so you all would be happy for your ex husband to be shagging your sister? Or delighted for your sister to be doing so?

If this was a man posting saying oops I took my ex wife’s sister home and well.. one thing led to another because we broke up under the strain of a caring with a disabled child, he’d be torn a new one

Justme10 · 25/10/2023 18:58

It's not ideal but not worth beating yourself up over.

From what you said he sounds like a decent man who cares about you and his nephew so I would talk to him and explain it can't happen again because the possible fall out if anyone finds out will negatively effect you and your son. And if he's as decent as he sounds he will understand that.
And once you have had that chat hopefully you can go back to the way it was.

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 18:59

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:38

You need to get out more.

It's not sick. They are both single, and no longer related by marriage.

Why do you feel you have to shame the OP? That's sick.

Show quote history

You need to stop sleeping with your exes brother.

Excalibur2023 · 25/10/2023 19:07

My sister got with my ex husband, it wrecked our family. I don’t care that he was an ex you just don’t do that to those close to you and it totally confused our children. They couldn’t understand why daddy was now living with auntie and there was no way in hell I was playing happy families at Christmas etc.

Stop this now OP before you destroy a family.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 19:14

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 18:59

You need to stop sleeping with your exes brother.

Show quote history

But the sex is so so good...!!!

I'm not the OP, if that's what you're insinuating...

Mydogmybestfriend · 25/10/2023 19:19

I feel so bad for you op, you been through it. Please try leave him be though it will only cause you more drama

Mydogmybestfriend · 25/10/2023 19:20

Excalibur2023 · 25/10/2023 19:07

My sister got with my ex husband, it wrecked our family. I don’t care that he was an ex you just don’t do that to those close to you and it totally confused our children. They couldn’t understand why daddy was now living with auntie and there was no way in hell I was playing happy families at Christmas etc.

Stop this now OP before you destroy a family.

Fkin hell this is so bad

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 19:24

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 19:14

But the sex is so so good...!!!

I'm not the OP, if that's what you're insinuating...

Show quote history

I know you’re not the OP.

Have some self respect and go for any of the hundreds of single guys out there.
Not your kids uncles.

Excalibur2023 · 25/10/2023 19:25

Mydogmybestfriend · 25/10/2023 19:20

Fkin hell this is so bad

Show quote history

I could write a book! My parents couldn’t understand why I refused to go for Christmas dinner with all the family, then they wondered why I went NC. It absolutely destroyed our family and my mental health was very poor for years afterwards. Our children are adults now and have no contact with their father (their choice) and he wonders why.

RaraWix · 25/10/2023 19:26

Sure. Do you always stalk forums to attack opinions you don’t like? You need to find a way to get your aggression out.

Startyabastard · 25/10/2023 19:27

Excalibur2023 · 25/10/2023 19:07

My sister got with my ex husband, it wrecked our family. I don’t care that he was an ex you just don’t do that to those close to you and it totally confused our children. They couldn’t understand why daddy was now living with auntie and there was no way in hell I was playing happy families at Christmas etc.

Stop this now OP before you destroy a family.

My thoughts.
OP: how would you feel if your ex slept with and pursued a relationship with your sister??!

PurpleBugz · 25/10/2023 19:42

I think if you want a real relationship it's ok. The shit will hit the fan but if you are happy together you can weather it. If it's just something casual you have to stop because it will cause huge upset for no good reason.

But personally I would not judge. I've got a disabled child myself and dating is just impossible. You deserve to be happy too

bookwormcrazy · 25/10/2023 19:45

I haven't read through every message but in your last reply mentioned about dropping off DC at a hospice.

Regardless of the complications of it being your ex brother in law - I wanted to check in to make sure your ok? You said that you weren't drunk and there wasn't a build up but it sounds like you may be in a vulnerable place and just needed some comfort, anyone would with their child in hospice - which just happened to be quite good, even though it was from a messy place. I don't want to make assumptions but is this a case of needing support and a bit of release which the opportunity provided?

I worry that you are being taken advantage of in a crazy situation.

ACGTHelix · 25/10/2023 19:46

@Squirre
if your happy and he looks after you and helps with your dc, then you only live once

bookwormcrazy · 25/10/2023 19:46

But - on the flip side, you do deserve to be happy - just be aware that it will cause repercussions and both you and BIL need to be on the same page to deal with it.

Mostlyoblivious · 25/10/2023 19:46

Easier said than done, but try and talk to an independent person like a psychologist about what’s happened in life and what’s going on etc. Reading your last post about wanting more children but it not being an option is what made me say that, nothing to do with your bil.

as for the reason you posted - who cares what others think. Life is hard enough, as you well know. You’ve been respectful and he makes you happy and the situation works nicely so so not over think it at all and just go with the flow. You deserve some happiness

5128gap · 25/10/2023 19:48

I think a younger brother sleeping with and playing happy families with his big brother's ex comes wrapped in a big red flag covered in a pattern of little red flags and all tied up with red flag bunting myself.
You really don't need to be a psychologist to fear his motives may be less than healthy, and I'd be given him a sharp swerve if I didn't want to bring a whole load of drama into my life.

cocoloco23 · 25/10/2023 19:53

Peoplemakemedespair · 25/10/2023 13:03

Absolutely not!! She has children with his actual brother! What a head fuck for everyone who knows about this, or who finds out. Entire families can be destroyed by something like this, it’s a line you just don’t cross. And op, I’m finding it hard to believe this wasn’t planned in the slightest. You did not have an evening out with this man, and then took him home with no intention of something happening

Show quote history

Genuinely wouldn’t bother me if my sister had a relationship with my ex. Why would it? I don’t own him.

OP - I haven’t read the thread but I think there are two separate issues here. One is that you’re worried about his family’s reaction. You know them: we don’t. How do you think they’d feel? How do you think your ex would feel?

The other issue is that you met him when he was much younger. I think you’re worried because you knew him as a teenager or similar so you’re feeling weird about having slept with him. Can you separate the person you knew back them from the adult he is now? I know people who met at school (age 6-7) who are now married. They’ve managed to separate then and now.

Gnomegnomegnome · 25/10/2023 19:54

Don’t ignore him, neither of you have done anything wrong and you don’t want to lose the relationship that you had pre this.
I would imagine he’s probably just as confused as you. He is the only other person that will completely understand, it might be helpful to talk.

Topup3000 · 25/10/2023 20:01

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:13

What?? How are people not seeing the issue? You could rip the entire family apart.

This is so unnecessary, their are literally millions of single men out there that the father of your child is not related to.

What about their Mum? What about your ex? What about your child? What about future family dynamics? Birthdays, Christmas, weddings, funerals????

What are you thinking? This is an horrendous idea. What if your ex slept with your sister? The ex who you built a whole life with went through turmoil of a diagnosis of your child with? Walked down the aisle with?

This is wrong. And unnecessary. You can stop it now before mistakes happen that can never be taken back and families are not torn apart to the point of no return.

Absolutely agree with this. Find someone else.

Sighhhhh · 25/10/2023 20:14

😂😂 OP what the hell?! Lol you are wild! Good you enjoyed it but it probably shouldn’t happen again. Too messy. And if you and your exH are amicable and respectful towards each other, the sex-with-his-brother thing is probably not a good idea.

As for the brother though. Who needs enemies when you have a brother like that. I wouldn’t talk to my sibling for a while if they slept with my exH!