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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

324 replies

Squirre · 25/10/2023 12:04

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

OP posts:
Marchmount · 29/10/2023 17:59

You’re being utterly foolish and risking blowing apart your extended support network. As other posters have said, there are millions of other men to chose from. You’re being completely selfish - whilst you deserve happiness after a pretty traumatic past, this will bring nothing but pain to you and other people who have supported you.

JenniferBooth · 29/10/2023 18:05

Millions of other men? Have you read the dating threads?

Treesinmygarden · 29/10/2023 18:07

Marchmount · 29/10/2023 17:59

You’re being utterly foolish and risking blowing apart your extended support network. As other posters have said, there are millions of other men to chose from. You’re being completely selfish - whilst you deserve happiness after a pretty traumatic past, this will bring nothing but pain to you and other people who have supported you.

What was the point of your post??

  1. You're a bit late to the party
  2. You clearly haven't read the whole thread
  3. You have made yourself look stupid!
ACGTHelix · 29/10/2023 20:05

Marchmount · 29/10/2023 17:59

You’re being utterly foolish and risking blowing apart your extended support network. As other posters have said, there are millions of other men to chose from. You’re being completely selfish - whilst you deserve happiness after a pretty traumatic past, this will bring nothing but pain to you and other people who have supported you.

read all the ops posts

Cococrab · 01/11/2023 13:51

I hope the therapy session helps you OP

Original poster
Squirre · 02/11/2023 11:15

@Cococrab It did! I thought I'd be awkward but I didn't really stop for air 🙈 poor woman just had to sit and blink at me.

She made some observations that rang true. That I've had to be sensible and responsible from being a child. First after my Mum died when my Dad went off the rails, marrying young, having a baby young, getting divorced young, being a carer to dc and then Dad, dealing with his estate and the majority of dc's care as well. So I'm possibly letting what happened with bil be an outlet for all the built up sadness and difficult emotions.

She thought it would be good for me to do some kind of managed thrill seeking to get the repressed emotions and pent up arghhh feelings out of my system before I explode. She suggested sky diving ... my turn to sit and blink 😅 There's got to be a happy middle ground between jumping out of a plane and the unmentionable thing right?! 🙈🙈

As for bil we've been no contact. I still feel that horrible tummy twisting sad feeling if I think about him. I know I'm definitely projecting, there's no way one time should cause this much emotion! There's plenty to distract me in the day time but I'm struggling a bit in the evenings and trying to keep my rational head on and remind myself there was no great love story it was just one time!

I bumped into one of his friends who said they were arranging some weekend air b and b thing for bil and another friends 30th. I'm hoping that means there won't be a big family party as well so we can keep no contact until the embarrassing teenage heartbreak feeling has gone away!

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirre · 02/11/2023 11:17

Sorry @Cococrab just read that back and that was quite the word vomit in response to a hypothetical question wasn't it 😱🙈 Good job I'm booked back in with the therapist haha

OP posts:
zusje · 02/11/2023 15:03

Aw OP, I;ve been following the thread but never commented before. I think it's human to have that feeling, I don't think it's generally directed towards your BIL (if as you say you never saw him in that light before) but the general longing for companionship, affection and passion (and atm he was the last person you had these with). Just like when you end a relatiohship you mourn things you didn't yet have but was planning for or expected for the future.

For what it's worth I think you made the right choice in not pursuing this further (the potential fallout would be disastrous for you as your inlaws are your main support system and given his job he wouldn't be around for much of it) but I do hope with the help of therapy you come to realise you may be ready for something more (even if it is a FWB agreement with a nice man that isn't related to your ex husband) in near future. Sending positivity and love your way!

Cococrab · 22/11/2023 14:08

Not logged on for a long time so sorry to wake this thread but read the reply & wondering if the skydive helped? Strangest advice I've ever heard...

Original poster
Squirre · 29/11/2023 22:15

Cococrab · 22/11/2023 14:08

Not logged on for a long time so sorry to wake this thread but read the reply & wondering if the skydive helped? Strangest advice I've ever heard...

I didn't go skydiving so can't report on it's effectiveness 😅 I've seen bil once since all this at a family event. He was being overly thoughtful and lovely but ex dh cut in to share a story about bil loudly sleeping with someone on his 30th ... so that gave my head a wobble without the need to jump out of a plane 🙈

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 29/11/2023 22:23

Go for it.

See how it plays out. There are a lot of what ifs.

What if you end up being really happy?

EnoughIsay · 03/12/2023 14:40

OP - I don't think your emotions are teenage.

As your therapist said - you have has to care for so many for so long.

Bil cared for you. He paid attention - not only sexually, but before and afterward. Not only, but you had that in the context of looking after your ds.

The "teenage" thing is probably a recognition of that - a wistfulness on what your life is "missing" for you as a woman.

Good luck op. Would love to know what you will do instead of plane jumping!

Original poster
Squirre · 07/12/2023 18:13

@EnoughIsay Thank you ❤️ I'm thinking of doing one of those charity fundraising hikes. I thought it might be a nice thing to focus on and also raise some money for one of the charities that have helped dc. I just need to work out the dates and give myself enough time to get a little fitter!

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 07/12/2023 19:46

A charity fundraising hike sounds like a wonderful project!
Good luck!

Original poster
Squirre · 02/03/2025 17:18

I was thinking about this thread today. I can't believe it's been over a year since I wrote it. I thought I'd add an update in case anyone ever finds themselves stumbling across this in a similar predicament. This was probably my most self-induced stressful period and triggered a bit of a mini identity crisis. So my first piece of advice would be to absolutely not get into this situation in the first place.
Having said that...we are now together. I sometimes think of the comment someone put that this all sounded medieval because blimey it really does 🙈
The situation with dc is very different for us and I think that's probably why things have actually worked out ok. In any other dynamic with children I don't think it would be fair because of the outside stigma.
When we first made a go of things it brought up a load of things in me. It turns out (unsurprisingly) I'm a little broken and feeling properly loved was a bit of an adjustment and dragged up a bunch of bottled up past traumas that I've been slowly unpicking with a therapist. We also have the plus that his work means he's not always around so things are slow by definition and that works well.
The family side of things was probably not what you'd expect but this happening was seemingly not a surprise to my in laws and my MIL and SIL was really happy...which was strangely mortifying in a way I can't explain. Exdh is probably less thrilled but there's not been any animosity. I really do think this is purely down the very specific circumstances we are all in though. If there was any risk blowing up your life I wouldn't take it.
It's not something we've shared publicly but obviously people do know and I'm sure we've generated some juicy gossip. But I can't blame anyone for that really. It just is what it is.
So with all the weird social stuff, stress and random unexpected trauma emerging was it worth it? I think it was. Its so hard to describe this because it doesn't feel like some crazy mad dramatic love it feels comfortable and safe.
So yeah, that's an update nobody asked for on the weirdest year and a bit of my life!

OP posts:
Golaz · 02/03/2025 17:29

Good for you OP x

HowToSaveAWife · 02/03/2025 17:39

I was thinking of you recently OP. Delighted it's worked out well.

bookwormcrazy · 02/03/2025 17:45

I have thought of your post a couple of times over the last year. I am glad that it worked out for you. Sometimes things aren't straightforward but if it's meant to be - they work out.

Hols2024 · 02/03/2025 17:50

Enjoying a happy ever after and it kind of makes sense with all the angst you went through about it. Hopefully he continues to treat you as well and you and dc enjoy time when he’s around.

fiberglasscath · 02/03/2025 19:16

Not cute. Your saying if your daughter was normal then you wouldn't sleep with her uncle it doesn't make it ok just because he's attractive and makes you happy. Seems like you waited to get your claws in you didn't think about your ex feelings or how this will affect his children in the future the stigma and gossip is attached to everyone not just you and your kid.

JenniferBooth · 02/03/2025 19:24

Im really pleased for you @Squirre

JenniferBooth · 02/03/2025 19:25

fiberglasscath · 02/03/2025 19:16

Not cute. Your saying if your daughter was normal then you wouldn't sleep with her uncle it doesn't make it ok just because he's attractive and makes you happy. Seems like you waited to get your claws in you didn't think about your ex feelings or how this will affect his children in the future the stigma and gossip is attached to everyone not just you and your kid.

I smell projection.

"get her claws in" The misogyny regarding women and sex on here is appalling

44PumpLane · 02/03/2025 19:34

Ah OP I'm genuinely chuffed for you! Such a lovely update.

Azdcgbjml · 02/03/2025 19:42

I do like a happy ending ❤️ I'm glad the ILs are happy with it. Enjoy!

fiberglasscath · 02/03/2025 19:52

JenniferBooth · 02/03/2025 19:25

I smell projection.

"get her claws in" The misogyny regarding women and sex on here is appalling

Show quote history

If this was a man and his sister in law you wouldn't find it creepy? Saying its ok because the daughter is disabled is weird its either ok or its not ok its not misogyny that's just facts

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