Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

I am sorry to hear that op.

I am sure part of your sorrow is that there is love there.

I knew it was much more for him than a quick roll in the hay.

I wish you luck for you future.

One last thing - you do not strike me as volitile.

I would imagine that your sorrow here is linked to a glimse of what life would be like for you personally, if shared with someone who loves you, and would be a full participant.

Good luck.

Oh bless you, that sounds hard.

I think some of the pain might be because for the first time in a long time you had a glimpse of what it's like to be cherished and you are grieving the loss of a future that might have let it continue. IMO you've made the wisest decision for long term stability but that doesn't mean it was easy or that you should feel happy.

Hope you feel better soon. 💐

You sound so lovely OP.

I am glad you have decided to kill it.

Protecting your good relationship and support with your inlaws is in your best interests and that of your child

As is trying to make friendships and a life of your own.

Mind yourself.

You sound very sensible, OP, which is quite rare for these types of threads. Take the positives from this incident. You're alive! You still enjoy sex. Your life doesn't have to be all about your child. And there are still decent men and good lovers out there.

That is unnecessarily harsh and mean. I agree it wouldn't be a good idea to pursue the relationship, but the OP has already come to that conclusion. 'Disgusting' would be if she had slept with her own brother, not her ex BIL. Get some perspective and stop being unkind for the sake of it.

I know someone who married the brother of her ex DH. Everyone was very grown up about it. It doesn't have to be a big deal for other people!

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter did they have kids though? I think that makes things different.

You came to this conclusion already but it's not worth it. Even if he was your true love and soulmate the circumstances would stop it working. Relationships don't last under stress as you've already experienced.

@Cococrab Yes.

Marmalade - you can not know for sure how others felt unless you are one affected, they could be putting on a brave face

And did she have kids with both brothers?

Who gets to define “odd” and “disturbing” since 52% of people have voted “YANBU”, and told OP she’s doing nothing wrong. In many cultures , throughout time, it has been the norm for women to marry the brothers of their late husbands, as it was thought valuable for family cohesiveness and relations. In this case OP’s ex isn’t dead of course, but they are divorced. I am ofc biased as my granny divorced my grandfather and then went on to marry his brother, they (granny + brother) had a marriage much longer and happier than the first. I loved that my step granddad was also my great uncle, it felt like we were connected in a more meaningful way. My grandfather also remarried and had a lasting and very happy marriage. Perhaps if OP married a loving uncle it would be especially beneficial for her son? Yes it might sting the ex, but he has also moved on. Sometimes things work out differently to what you planned but it doesn’t mean they are wrong, but I guess some people are incapable of thinking outside of the tiny little boxes society tells us to think within .

Aww OP just read your last update and my heart is breaking for you honestly. You deserve to be happy, I really hope that things work out in whatever way is best for you and your precious dc xx

Golat - it may have worked OK in your family, but this scenario can still cause pain to certain parties

Op, you sound like a lovely woman and I wish the best of everything for you and your darling boy. My life is very similar to yours and I know that your son comes first in every decision you make.

I'm not convinced this is the end of you and your BIL as far as romance goes and I wish you all the very best going forward.

@Squirre Sounds like a well-considered, thoughtful and very brave decision from both of you . Sometimes people talk about being bold in love as pertains to doing something that can blow up their family or rock the boat in some way .

However, IMO it’s true courage to walk away from feelings for the greater good ie. children and other family and consider long term ramifications and not just what feels good “now”. I do agree you definitely need to socialise more outside of the ILs!

Yes I agree that it could, and it’s definitely something that needs to be carefully thought about. But I just can’t stand the blanket , absolutist judgements made by some people that this is necessarily disgusting and wrong.

Neither can I. The blanket condemnation from some posters has been utterly disgraceful, and totally lacking in empathy.

Priggish, judgmental and self satisfied. Just horrible!

Consenting adults, neither of you have partners. Enjoy it while you can. Just don't get pregnant because that really would get complicated.

I know I said last post before but I wanted to say I understand people having strong reactions and I did ask people to be brutal! I needed to hear both sides really to sort my brain out.

I've got an appointment with the therapist I saw after my Dad died next week. I thought that was best as she knows a bit about the family dynamics - dc, ex dh etc. and she slot me in pretty quickly. I'm not sure how much of this I can face sharing in person but I'm sure it'll be fine 🙈

I'm rooting for you, OP! I think you are awesome and very mature, and obviously an excellent human and mother. You deserve happiness in whatever form it comes for you.

I read your update, OP!
Good that you have an appointment with a therapist.

I wish you and your child all the best.

Amazing stuff, well done OP