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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

956 replies

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:14

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

OP posts:
FeverBeam · 25/10/2023 11:58

spitefulandbadgrammar · 25/10/2023 11:52

Who needs men to oppress us: the call is coming from inside the house.

Show quote history

who knew there were so many surrendered wives on Mumsnet!

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 11:59

Annasgirl · 25/10/2023 11:56

I also totally agree with this.

Is it any wonder so any women suffer from
PND and PNA when this id the level
of support other mothers give them, never mind men and society at large.

I despair on here often.
OP, YANBU - you are at breaking point, I’ve been there. You need to talk calmly, away from your house and DD, in daylight, and lay it all out for him. Otherwise the resentment will build and one day, all your love for him will be gone.

Show quote history

That’s exactly what I thought. No wonder PND is so prevalent.

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 12:00

Joeylove88 · 25/10/2023 10:45

YANBU despite what some posters have said. So you should be getting a nice hour of peace to yourself! I love my time to myself in the evenings when the baby and my partner have gone to bed. He works full time in a demanding job and still helps me in the week and at weekends...seriously it's time we stopped making excuses for men's laziness and entitlement! Real men value the contribution their partners are making and want to be involved in their children's lives! Enjoy your evening free time when you can OP and tell him to cut down on football because you need your weekend lie in! End of!!!

Yes!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 12:01

Splitting the night feeds is really one of the benefits of bottle feeding. DH and I did it that way until DS started sleeping through the night and he wasn't even a particularly difficult baby, we just both saw it as doing our part. Even when I was on maternity leave.

It's also useful that it stops the 'helping' mindset. Fathers don't 'help' mothers, they parent just like mothers do. It's an easy mindset to fall into if the mother automatically becomes the default parent.

Jellycats4life · 25/10/2023 12:02

MN has always been like this.

The only worthy form of work is paid work.

The husband’s job takes absolute priority.

Posters taking pride in never calling their husbands home from work, even when they were really ill (norovirus levels of ill).

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:02

Venturini · 25/10/2023 11:38

Ok I’ll qualify that statement - many or most jobs I’d wager. Feel better now?

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I’m sure PP also saves lives and is being over dramatic to make a point.

Nothing is as hard, challenging and relentless as being a full time, stay at home parent.

notamilf · 25/10/2023 12:03

As if I've just been called stupid by someone who thinks it's ok to wake your partner up at 4am when they are working full time. Jesus fucking christ

IfOn · 25/10/2023 12:03

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:54

Thanks everyone, I was fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable that's why I posted in AIBU to get others perspectives.

When I say an hour to myself I meant after DH goes to bed, there is not a minute of the day where I'm not being touched by the baby or dog, walking the dog, feeding baby, changing baby, playing with baby, cleaning and laundry. It's just nice to be completely alone for an hour but I take on board that I need to go to sleep instead.

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby. I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

Thanks everyone, I was fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable that's why I posted in AIBU to get others perspectives.

Why are you doubting yourself? There are some weirdos on mumsnet who thinks all a man needs to do is bring in the money whilst the woman bend over backwards to take care of kids and run the house. Especially if a woman is on maternity leave. I mean how dare you expect a hard-working man to pull his own weight around the house and help with the child he helped create?

Don't be like one of them, have a backbone and stand up for yourself. I'm tired of seeing women suffer in useless marriages with useless men.

joelmillersbackpack · 25/10/2023 12:04

The bar is so low for men. In the words of Ali Wong ‘it takes so little to be considered a great dad’ and it takes so little to be considered a shitty mum’

YANBU. My DP had a similar schedule to yours which didn’t change following the baby’s birth. He did do half the nights though and it never affected him in his Very Important Job. He should be caring for HIS child.

The only way I’ve cracked it is to take equal time for you. I now exercise twice a week and for a good portion of the weekend. They won’t give it up and if you bend, they’ll keep taking your labour to support their lifestyle. Mothers often try and give and give and give to help our partners ease into the changes of parenthood and sometimes they selfishly take and take and take.

If I had a baby I’d rather work all day, sleep all night and have my hobbies three times a week than be on mat leave duty 24/7.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:04

Jellycats4life · 25/10/2023 12:02

MN has always been like this.

The only worthy form of work is paid work.

The husband’s job takes absolute priority.

Posters taking pride in never calling their husbands home from work, even when they were really ill (norovirus levels of ill).

LOL not me! DP just spent a couple days at home cos I was to sick to look after the kids.

I’m not martyr and I don’t have to be, we love each other, respect and support each other. I’m his partner in life, not his live in Nanny & Maid.

Mumsnetters need to raise the bar!

Taketurn · 25/10/2023 12:04

notamilf · 25/10/2023 12:03

As if I've just been called stupid by someone who thinks it's ok to wake your partner up at 4am when they are working full time. Jesus fucking christ

You are stupid tbh. There is more to this post then the Op waking up her DH at 4am.

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 12:05

notamilf · 25/10/2023 11:38

If you're not working at the minute you should absolutely not be waking him up at 4am to 'do a bottle'. I really hope you're winding us up

Oh come on!!! OP is caring for baby etc the house on her own ..just because shes on maternity leave she has to do it all...? No she doesn't!! Her lazy selective doing husband is atypical of a dad who says 'but I work '...yes mr ..but if you have time for hobbies or taking kids to football..he obviously enjoys that ..under the guise of 'being there for the kids'. I am absolutely fed up with some other women stating OP should do it all...i despair. Entitled lazy men who only want to do bare minimum need to step up.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 12:05

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:02

I’m sure PP also saves lives and is being over dramatic to make a point.

Nothing is as hard, challenging and relentless as being a full time, stay at home parent.

Show quote history

That really depends on the individual, their job and also the baby.

I didn't find maternity leave harder than working and being a parent. It's different for everyone.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 25/10/2023 12:06

notamilf · 25/10/2023 12:03

As if I've just been called stupid by someone who thinks it's ok to wake your partner up at 4am when they are working full time. Jesus fucking christ

Working full time! 😱 And being asked to parent too! 😱 When he’s a man! 😱

ExcitingTimes2023 · 25/10/2023 12:06

notamilf · 25/10/2023 12:03

As if I've just been called stupid by someone who thinks it's ok to wake your partner up at 4am when they are working full time. Jesus fucking christ

Don’t say stupid things if you don’t want to be called stupid then!

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/10/2023 12:06

notamilf · 25/10/2023 12:03

As if I've just been called stupid by someone who thinks it's ok to wake your partner up at 4am when they are working full time. Jesus fucking christ

Out of interest when the OP goes back to her normal paid employment and the baby still needs seeing to at 4am in the morning does this rule then apply equally to both parents?

I eagerly await your answer.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:07

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 12:05

That really depends on the individual, their job and also the baby.

I didn't find maternity leave harder than working and being a parent. It's different for everyone.

Show quote history

That’s a debate/discussion for another thread…

Waxdrip · 25/10/2023 12:07

As a bare minimum you should have equal amounts of downtime. Why does he get to do sport and have a hobby but you don't?

I did all the night wakings (BF) but DH always took the baby first thing. For years and years we had one lie in each at the weekend. He gave up football early on. To be fair we didn't realise that this would be necessary until the baby arrived and reality set in.

SpatulaSpatula · 25/10/2023 12:07

Going to work is a break. There really aren't that many jobs that are as stressful, emotionally taxing and exhausting as looking after a baby. At work you get to sit down and excel at something you actually know how to do, receive praise and gratitude, and have reasonable adult conversations while drinking entire cups of tea.

Having a baby is challenging and exhausting for both parents if the work is being shared fairly. I'm sure your partner has worked with fairly stonking hangovers before and he can't expect to be unaffected by having a child. You need to work out a better balance. Maybe he deals with wake-ups pre 2am and you deal with the ones after? You also can't function on no sleep. Are you driving while so exhausted? Is he comfortable with you driving his child around on 3 hours' sleep? Can't believe he still plays football. What weekly fun do you get?

If you are happier, your baby will be happier and your relationship will be happier.

My partner did 3 months shared parental leave. Prior to that, he was mildly crap at helping with anything, though tbf was very good at night. People who haven't spent extended time in sole care of their child just don't understand what it's like and will probably think you're being unreasonable.

Looking back, I really wish I'd considered paying for extra help. A cleaner. Even a nanny a couple of times a week. I really didn't think we could afford it but then it turned out we did have a spare £1300 a month knocking round as that's what we had to pay nursery when she started.

Tell him to man up and examine your budget.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 12:07

berksandbeyond · 25/10/2023 09:20

Are you on mat leave / a stay at home parent? If so, I do think you should probably be doing 4am wake ups, when your DH has to be up for work a few hours later. However no he can’t opt out of being a dad at other times, and he should be doing an equal share of the child and house related tasks when he’s not working.

I don't think it's this clear cut. I was waking up twice a night at least when pregnant and still had to work the next day so it's doable. I think they should negotiate based on how many bad nights of sleep the mother has had and how hectic things are at work for the dad- a day before giving important presentations - let him sleep - a day before a working from
Home mostly emails and a couple of internal meetings - let him wake up

hardboiledeggs · 25/10/2023 12:07

When i was on mat leave i did all the night feeds during the week as my DH was working (i especially didn't want him driving tired) but at the weekends he helped.

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 12:08

joelmillersbackpack · 25/10/2023 12:04

The bar is so low for men. In the words of Ali Wong ‘it takes so little to be considered a great dad’ and it takes so little to be considered a shitty mum’

YANBU. My DP had a similar schedule to yours which didn’t change following the baby’s birth. He did do half the nights though and it never affected him in his Very Important Job. He should be caring for HIS child.

The only way I’ve cracked it is to take equal time for you. I now exercise twice a week and for a good portion of the weekend. They won’t give it up and if you bend, they’ll keep taking your labour to support their lifestyle. Mothers often try and give and give and give to help our partners ease into the changes of parenthood and sometimes they selfishly take and take and take.

If I had a baby I’d rather work all day, sleep all night and have my hobbies three times a week than be on mat leave duty 24/7.

Absolutely

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 12:08

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 25/10/2023 12:07

That’s a debate/discussion for another thread…

Show quote history

It was raised on this thread like it's a definite and all mums feel this way. It simply isn't true.

Ugzbugz · 25/10/2023 12:09

My child got up for the day between 4 20 and 5am everyday for years and woke during the night and I was a single working parent so her lazy arse husband can do one night feed ffs. I was literally getting up at that time for the day.

MargotBamborough · 25/10/2023 12:09

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/10/2023 12:06

Out of interest when the OP goes back to her normal paid employment and the baby still needs seeing to at 4am in the morning does this rule then apply equally to both parents?

I eagerly await your answer.

Show quote history

My husband and I both work full time and we both do our fair share of night wakes. Because he's not a twat.