Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

at this age i was handing daughter over to husband at 6.30pm and getting into bed myself and sleeping until 12/1am and husband was looking after daughter until then - and I would take over the night from there

meant we were both getting equal amounts of sleep

would something like this work for you

Ok I’ll qualify that statement - many or most jobs I’d wager. Feel better now?

He is not giving up being a Dad he sounds like he never started. Footie 4 days a week and he might be too tired for work after one 4am wake up call!! He is living in cloud cuckoo land frankly

If you're not working at the minute you should absolutely not be waking him up at 4am to 'do a bottle'. I really hope you're winding us up

My perspective is he is doing more football than parenting, what is more important to him? Time to start handing off to him of an evening and finding something for yourself at least one eve a week even if its only an hr at the gym/yoga/craft meet up/friend meet up

You appear to be stupid.

She is utterly exhausted.

He doesn't get up in the night, he plays football twice a week, and coaches at the weekend.

His life has not changed a jot since having a child.

Can you spot the problem here? Try really hard.

YANBU to have woken DH up when he had to be up for work and your on maternity leave.

and when she goes back to work, DH will be so used to OP being the default parent that it will be a struggle and very unlikely for him to step up and do his fair share.

It absolutely won't kill him to do one night feed. Especially since he's magically got the energy at the weekend for football after working all week.

Mmmm, no. Caring for a baby all day is work, and likely as tiring, or more tiring, than her husband's work day. Being on mat leave means her work day is caring for the baby. In 'out of work' hours, childcare is a joint responsibility.

Unless the row about night time wakings is symptomatic of bigger issues (sounds like it is), I wouldn't place too much emphasis on the 4am row. Most people react badly to being woken and if challenged on it will become defensive rather than apologetic because they're tired and feeling under pressure.

However, you cannot have a baby and expect life to carry on unchanged. He is being completely unrealistic if he thinks he can spend weekends and several evenings playing/coaching football with a new baby. It won't be forever, but until you've both established a new, fair normal he should be cutting it back significantly.

I went back to work after 6 weeks and became a single parent of twins who did it all myself other than using a childminder in the day, but no way do I think that means that the mother should do everything (even if on maternity leave) while the father's life continues uninterrupted. Maternity leave isn't a break, it's there to allow the mother to recover from the extremely significant experience her body has just gone through and get the baby off to the best possible start. It's not there for mothers to vacuum.

I do think you should be doing night feeds while on maternity and dh works but you should also get a lie in at least one day at the weekend.
If he wont give up any of the football, What time does your dh get home? If its before baby goes to sleep i would be doing a hand over when he gets home and let him do bed time while you get a nice bath to chill out and off to bed. If its after baby is sleeping let him deal with the night time cleaning.

Don't feel bad. There's nothing wrong with wanting the other parent to step up when your on your knees.

For the minute though (and I get that precious time just to sit) you should align bedtime with the baby, just for now so you can catch up on sleep.

Your bloke will however, whinge that he's left sitting on his own and his needs aren't being met though. Be ready for that with a few choice words.

He also needs to take the baby out so you can have some time to yourself. Those quiet moments can soothe the soul a bit.

What? Being on MAT leave doesn’t make you super human. She asked for help one night to change a nappy and give DD a bottle. I must have been massively spoilt by my DP with our kids because it sounds to me as if she’s literally asked for the bare minimum.

OP has swapped her job, let’s assume a standard 9-5 with a lunch break, for maternity leave, a relentless 24/7 endeavour, particularly at five months with a baby who won’t nap. She’s allowed sleep and respite. What do you think should happen when she returns to work – they simply tell the baby not to wake up? Or OP does all the night wakes even though she’s working? Or they split them? In any case, when parents work and children wake, someone has to get up. Her DH isn’t exempt from this simply because OP is on maternity leave – she’s putting in more hours at the coalface than him. If he fancies catching up on sleep he can forgo football a few times a week.

I’m astounded by people who think she should be doing all the night feeds because DP works.

She asked for help one night, one change of nappy. The bar some of you have set for your partners is exceptionally low and you deserve better.

So her husbands works 35-40 hours a week and OPs works 120 hours a week ... got it. Sounds completely fair.

x 1000000000000000000000000000

Did he want a child?

Caring for your baby is work.

Who needs men to oppress us: the call is coming from inside the house.

Dh needs a rocket up his arse.

Play him at his own game. Being on mat leave is about bonding with the baby and recovering from childbirth. Atm you're a SAHM not a stay at home housekeeper, so behave how a nanny would.

Focus on your DD. Let the housework pile up. Definitely don't have dinner ready or do any of his laundry. Let the coffee mug he leaves on the side be there when he gets home. Nannies look after their charges not the born again baby. They certainly don't shag them so another job off your list.

DH won't like this but what did he expect would happen when baby arrived? Parenthood is called the no sleep club for a bloody good reason. He needs to grow up. Fathers are supposed to devote themstlves to their children and husbands to their eives. If he wants to be cossetted I recvpmend thst he is returned to his mother.

Some of the responses on here! We are in 2023!

Not saying you would do this, but imagine Mothers just buggering off leaving the Fathers to be single parents raising their children whilst holding down a job or on benefits???
Just imagine!?
What would that World look like?

Let’s also assume he wanted and was ready for children. This is key ladies -ensure you are both actually ready to have children and all that it entails.

He needs to fix up fast or you’ll likely be separated, divorced or in a dead bedroom relationship soon enough. No wonder so many women experience PND.

Do not have any more children with him until he shows signs of improvement.

Jesus, some of these comments! I've had two children who both did not sleep well - one still doesn't at four. Honestly with my first, I was on the verge of post-natal depression because of it. If you can't sleep in the day, which many can't and you're not getting enough sleep at night, you will be unwell - all of the time - and then your DH would have to step up wouldn't he? Because you have run yourself into the ground. Unless he is a driver, works in a medical profession, or operates heavy machinery (anything basically that puts his life or/and others at risk) then you need to work out a schedule that ensures you get rest too (even if not as much as him). I have friends who worked 12 days in offices and have actually told me they fainted or fell asleep while they were walking because their husbands did no night feeds and they went to work all day. The double standards are terrifying. Do not be made to feel guilty. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. Don't let your needs be last on the list and belittle yourself - that's not where you belong.

I also totally agree with this.

Is it any wonder so any women suffer from
PND and PNA when this id the level
of support other mothers give them, never mind men and society at large.

I despair on here often.
OP, YANBU - you are at breaking point, I’ve been there. You need to talk calmly, away from your house and DD, in daylight, and lay it all out for him. Otherwise the resentment will build and one day, all your love for him will be gone.

This place has got really strange the past chunk of months. I'm sure there's more men on here than we think. Some strange replies going on.