Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Oh FFS, what am I even reading?? It’s one 4am bottle. I’d have zero sympathy for my DH if I’d dealt with a poorly baby all week and he was getting arsey about one wake-up in the night. He can have an extra cup of coffee in the morning like every other person with kids. Of course OP was not being unreasonable. She shouldn’t have to go to bed at 6/7pm every night to get enough sleep despite being on maternity. What happened to equal downtime? Not to mention OP does ALL housework, cooking and laundry as well.

YADNBU and I think a chat about expectations are in order including regular downtime for you, at least an entire night off a week for sleep (who cares if he’s tired for football) and for him to pull his weight with the housework.

So, who does the wake ups once OP goes back to paid work?! It is absolutely not unreasonable to ask a father to tend to their baby in the night, and to be fair they should not need asking. If you are on maternity leave it does not mean you have to be on duty 24 hours a day and the partner just goes to work, hobbies and does very little in the house. That is not real life....how nice it would be just to go to work, do some hobbies and do very little of the mental load, house work etc however it is what a lot of men try and get away with.
OP nip this in the bud now.

I totally agree with this.
Your husband needs to prioritise his family now.
That definitely includes taking over in the evenings and weekends when you need him.

It is so important that your daughter gets used to her father caring for her and that you are allowed some time for yourself.

I hope you work something out because it's this disregard for you that eats away at your relationship.

YANBU. I'm a single mum now, and ex travelled more and more for work as the kids grew, so I know that even though it's relentless, sometimes, as a parent, you have to get up at 4am and still go to work knackered.

OP is on call 24/7. She needed a hand that day, she shouldn't even have had to ask. A father's responsibility doesn't only exist for the working day, just like OP's doesn't.

You're husband has managed to convince you that because he is in possession of a penis he cannot possibly function outside of the working day. You're certainly gullible.

So, your husband's job is to run an entire business to support the family, and yours is...to look after one 5-month old and watch Netflix?

If it's that easy, why can't he help out in the evenings a bit? Shouldn't be a problem at all - he can look after the baby a couple of evenings a week and just watch netflix too?

Where does it say that's all she's doing? She stated she does all cooking and housework etc.
What happens when she returns to work outside the home, is she allowed to not care for the baby when it wakes up??

Yes, that’s definitely what’s happening here. OP does no chores, brings in no maternity pay, sticks her non-sleeping baby in a playpen and watches TV all day while being fanned by cabana boys and fed frozen grapes. Meanwhile her poor hard-done-by DH’s only break from relentless toil is several games of football a week and full nights of sleep every night bar this one occasion. Won’t someone think of the men!

As a one off and it being the first time you asked for help I can see why you're annoyed but no I wouldn't expect regular assistance whilst on maternity leave with one baby

pick me! pick me!

That’s a debate/discussion for another thread…

I called you stupid because you made a stupid comment. Maybe you're not always stupid but in this instance you very much were.

HTH.

What?! He really doesn't believe in equality then.

It all depends on the situation. If the baby wakes 1 or 2 times in the night and your on mat leave 90% should be on you. It doesn’t mean he can’t help out the odd time though. If the baby is awake all night and you are having an awful time then you’re both in this together and have to do whatever is necessary to survive. That’s what being a family is all about.

You already said that.

I disagree because it was brought up. If something is brought up, there's a chance someone will respond to it.

That's how it usually works.

Sorry but hes more bothered about looking after other peoples kids than his own

he cant opt out of weekends to run a football team then say he neds to play football aswell

did his life change at all or just yours?

More relevant questions I think are:

What does he do at work? Is there heavy machinery etc.. involved
Is he driving? No one needs sleep deprived parents of either sex going behind the wheel of a car

Hate to say it OP but if I wasn’t working and DP was, I ran the house 24hrs a day. The only time I remember him having to step in when I had had such little sleep it was becoming dangerous.

Why would you do this?

I thought you might need to reread it lol because you didn’t seem to understand.

Hope you got a big shiny medal from the Society of Martyrs.

Do you have any family help at all ? I think your H is being a selfish git but that doesn't actually help you.
My DH was a professional driver and couldn't be overtired at work as that would have put other roadusers and his passengers at risk. However on his weekends off he did all night wakings and on the other weekends he had a rota of my mum, his mum and his sister who would have baby while I slept ( his sister would have her in the day until late evening, both mums would have her overnight ) so I would never go more than 6 days without a big chunk of sleep.

This. If the baby goes to bed at six, and he's out at football some eveings in the week, you have loads of alone time 🤔

Oh. Yeah, I understood perfectly.