Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

YANBU.

He needs to drop at least one of his hobbies. He can always pick them up again in the future.

Don't worry about resentment, presumably he was on board with having a child and all that entails, and that requires sacrifice. Doesn't sound like he has done that.

I hate all this transactional crap, I work long hours you don’t so you must do this. Posters saying you are a SAHM so you must martyr yourself and run yourself into the ground because that is the agreement

living life as a series of transactions is no way to live. The OP is at the end of her tether, tired unhappy and needs sleep. A decent loving partner would step in.

OP his life hasn’t changed he can’t do all of his commitments and expect you to carry everyth8ng. You need to make it clear you are a partnership abd you need his support

otherwise OZp you are going to resent him. Why isn’t he seeing his life needs to adapt now and be there for you

Perhaps he should worry more about you resenting him? Where exactly on his list of Important Things To Do do you and your daughter come?
When does your free time for exercise or hobbies happen? When do you get to sleep?

I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding and we still split the nights: DP says he’s tired and making mistakes at work but as he also acknowledges, I’m tired and making mistakes with the baby – stuck him in the bath with his nappy on, put a pooey nappy in the washing machine and clothes in the bin, etc. When I was getting less sleep the baby rolled off the bed, I couldn’t trust myself to drive so had to buggy board our daughter to school in driving rain, went to bed at 7 so mental health suffered, etc. DP would rather we both be a bit foggy and grumpy than me destroyed. We did gently sleep train and DC was sleeping through from six months (hang in there, OP!) but teeth, illness and regression and genuine hunger are in play at 10 months: you can’t force a baby to sleep. On DP’s nights I’ll do one feed but he has to do the settle and all other wakes, so at least I can stumble back to bed. To be kicked in the head by the five year old.

Prolonged sleep deprivation is a torture technique and has a severe impact on physical and mental health. Occasionally starting your workday at 4am isn’t comparable.

Did you read the post that mentions his two nights a week football and weekends training kids?

But you (understandably) resent him

Does he do anything when he's home? Baby or house related?

ONE hour of time to herself.

He's not giving up his two nights of football is he?

Then it’s the downtime you need to address rather than waking dh in the night because you’re tired as to didn’t go to bed when you could have.
you can have some downtime before dh goes to bed assuming there’s more than one room in your house! Tell him you are shutting yourself in bedroom/bathroom for 1 hour however many times a week to bathe, watch an episode of something. Go out. You have 4 hours in which to fit this in inbetween babies bedtime and a reasonable bedtime for you. You get the opposite weekend day off to your dh too.

He needs to lose the football at weekends so you can have a break and he should be doing the odd night wake on Friday and Saturday nights when he doesn't have work in the morning.

On weeknights I would say you should do the night wakes because he has work in the morning, but as you get closer to the time when you are due to go back to work you either need to look at training your baby to sleep through the night - and regardless of your views on sleep training and whether it is cruel or not, it doesn't always work - or he needs to start working up to dealing with half the night wakes so that it isn't still all on you when you go back to work.

He needs to pull his weight. And playing football during the week and coaching other kids at the weekend is no excuse for him to be a lazy arse. This is the reality of parenting and the sooner he gets used to it the better. You have months and years of (on and off) broken sleep ahead due to sickness apart from anything else, and if you’re not sharing and supporting each other the resentment will build up VERY quickly.

LOL @ all the people saying the OP should do all the childcare and housework because she's on maternity leave. Most jobs are 100 times easier than maternity leave! When I was on mat leave I was pining for my stressful old job, which I hated. Looking after a baby is 24/7, not 9-5.

What struck me most from your post is that he knows you are knackered and needed help for one night waking but when you asked him he got in a mood with you.

That is not the action of a loving caring partner.

Seriously, going to work is a breeze by comparison.

A big part of parenting is financially providing for your child, not just direct care, so I don’t agree that the person doing that isn’t parenting. I am being a parent both when I cook my child’s dinner and when I work to pay for the food they eat.

However - it is not ok for one parent to be run into the ground and the other to sleep well all the time, that’s not an acceptable thing to do to your spouse. I also wonder what all these men with important jobs think women with important jobs do - we get up at night and continue to do our important jobs anyway.

Mmm I think probably from his point of view I’d be a bit pissed off if you had chosen to stay up late.

yes go to bed at 7pm or 9pm, he stays up to do the last feed/change. That’s just what you do, and it’s not for long. Presumably there’s sometimes the chance for a quick nap in the day when baby is sleeping. Or just cuddling them on the sofa, not quite the same as going to work and having to perform.

He has a job. If you want shared chores and parenting then get a job. Absolutely ridiculous waking somebody up at 4 am who has work the next day.

His life hasn’t changed has it?
But yours has!
He’s opting out and leaving you to do it all.
At the very least, he needs to be a Dad to his children on the weekend, so you can catch a break and have some time without the baby to do what you want to do.
He’s being selfish. He needs to reduce his weekend football activities and prioritise his family.

Does he actually know how to change a nappy, make a bottle or done a night feed? If not, you’d better start training him up now.

I understand him being annoyed about unexpectedly being woken up in the middle of the night, as you hadn’t discussed a night waking schedule with him beforehand - make one for the weekends!

My DH occasionally got up in the middle of the night when I was on Mat Leave, even though he may have had to get up early in the morning and run his business. My DH is a light sleeper, and I need more sleep than him. You’re meant to be a team.

How is this set up going to work if you’re planning on returning to your ‘paid’ job after Mat Leave?
How are you going to manage these unpaid baby/home jobs as well as your paid job?
And how will you fit in your ‘me-time’ or hobbies then?

@LeavesOnTrees is right. Why doesn’t it upset him that you are exhausted.

He should be doing 3 nights a week of wakings. You still have to function the next day and don’t get the opportunity to catch upon your sleep unless you go to bed super early. No reason why he shouldn’t do the same.

He also should be ensuring you get equal leisure time. He sounds extremely selfish

And I agree that weekend football is a separate discussion and you should be able to bank on sharing the parenting at the weekend

I resuscitate people for a living. Including children. When I fail I tell their families that they’re dead.

It’s almost as if some people have different experiences at work.

OP has a job. She's on maternity leave.

I couldn't believe some of the responses I read! What year is this?? Feeling very lucky to have a husband who is happy to be a hands-on dad. Night wakes are crap all around, whether you're working the next day or with the baby. I finished maternity leave in August and I find the baby days harder than working days on little/no sleep to be honest. Without my husband and I splitting nights during the 9 month sleep regression, I would have fallen apart.

Expecting the child's other parent to share the load when you're both home is completely reasonable. When do you get an uninterrupted sleep @ftm03? Don't listen to the martyrs, you asked for the support you needed. Sorry your husband wasn't feeling receptive this morning but I think a proper chat is needed about what is manageable for you both, because the current way of doing things isn't working for you.

Is it any wonder so many mother's suffer from PPD/PPA when there is an expectation on them to do it all?

OP is on maternity leave though. She's also financially providing for her child (maybe not as much as usual depending on maternity pay but still) as well as doing everything else.

Piss off with this.

No risks with her being dog tired and in sole charge of an infant? 🙄