Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Seriously? The baby had wet through the clothes. You would have left a baby like that?

The issue isn't changing the nappy the issue is OP's DH is a selfish knob.

It sounds like you appease men at the expense of a baby's needs.

what you need to do is say to him

I need one nights full sleep a week

you choose whether that is friday night or saturday night but one night a week you are on duty and I am having a full nights sleep.

always blows my mind when people have children and the men think they can just carry on with their hobbies and interests…

Sorry but once you have a baby BOTH of your hobbies, social life and external commitments (apart from work) take a back seat.

My DH loves outdoor sports and mountain biking, guess what he does A LOT less of now we have a child? And especially even more now I’m pregnant with second - I don’t think the poor bloke has been out on his bike in MONTHS because as a couple we just don’t have capacity for him to be working full time and to look after a toddler while I am heavily pregnant and for him to disappear for hours at the weekend on his bike.

In your DH’s view your job is then effectively 24/7 while he just gets to work 9-5. Plus he then gets to carry on with his personal interests and hobbies while all you do is childcare and house work etc?

Doesn’t seem fair to me.

You need to have a frank conversation about realistic expectations during this time period of your life - if he is working 9-5 Mon - Friday, then your job during that time is childcare/house work etc. Outside of those hours, you split everything 50/50 I.e if he wants to play football 2 nights a week that’s fine but then on the weekends you get to sleep in the spare room and he is in charge of the nights.

I would also suggest you look into sleep training, I did the tiny hood course when mine was 5 months and it was life changing! Your child should be napping during the day at 5 months.

I think that being at home with the baby is much harder than being at work! I have done both and was in a senior position at the time. He should do his fair share.

Plan! Together!
I use a tactic I use with children 😉- choice A or choice B
Would he rather
A. - get up a couple of nights midweek
B - at the weekends

He is a really valuable asset as a volunteer with kids football, but he can do this with a broken nights sleep!

He needs to stop his personal football evenings - he is being selfish and unreasonable and has far higher priorities: you & DD.

Basically when he comes in from work that should allow you to go get a couple of hours sleep while he holds the fort.

Same here, he couldn’t help because he was to tired, was working next day, was away on a business trip or had to finish a document for yesterday.

Quite suddenly the child was completely mine. When I started working, the excuse he couldn’t help because he was working didn’t cut it so he changed it to “I earn more than you, so your job gives way to mine”.

I ended up divorcing him. Best thing I have done, I raised my son alone but it was much easier working and parenting on my own than working, parenting on my own and still deal with all the extra house chores, cooking and PA tasks I had to do for the blooming husband.

Hi Op.

Iv only had time to read the first few replies but I do not think asking him to deal with one night wake a night is unreasonable. You don’t stop being a parent between the hours of 7pm/7am (or what ever hours your baby/toddlers sleep).

From experience, prolonged sleep deprivation is a killer, it has so many effects on physical and mental health… and if you have a wakeful baby you can just rest during the day as other people suggest. I think your husband dealing with one wake a night, be it the first or last is more than reasonable so you yourself can also get a chunk of restorative sleep too, instead of broken all night. Or alternatively, you do four nights of ALL wakes and he does three (5:2 at a push). Sounds like you are bottle feeding so he has no excuse to not do his part.

Also bear in mind that babies sleep might not improve drastically before you yourself go back to work. Infact my little one had her worst sleeping pattern ever when we were both back full time. So what will be his excuse then? No one can afford to make mistakes at work, everyone suffers with the effects of poor sleep, and unfortunately as parents we have to develop coping strategies, fair coping strategies, to deal with the strain.

These days won’t last forever. But for now this is the situation you are in. You and your husband might need to make comprises for now. You can have time to yourself in the evening or more sleep, you have to chose which you value more. However I will also say if baby is going to bed around 6 and you are staying up til 10/11pm that is 4/5 hours of me time. My toddler is now 2 she either sleeps through or has a split night where is awake for 3 hours at a time. I never know what I’m getting so even now I only have an hour (2 max) to myself AFTER tidying up as the tiredness is just not worth it. Partner gives himself a little later but still heads to bed fairly early.

good luck OP. Work together. Parenting is tough but so much easier when you support each other fairly. Xx

OP I feel your pain, my 1 year old has just had a week of being poorly and the sleep deprivation is painful!

My husband isn’t able to do night wakings for medical reasons but instead he bookends the nights, so he puts our baby to bed at 6:30 while I make dinner (I cook and he cleans up because those are the jobs we each enjoy) and he gets up an hour and a half earlier than he did previously to take the baby in the morning so I am guaranteed an hour of extra sleep and a shower in the morning, and that makes a world of difference.

With housework, I do the bulk in the week but he does at least half at the weekend and sometimes in the evenings. We both occasionally go out in the evenings to see friends but neither of us attends a regular evening hobby anymore because our priorities have changed. I agree with previous posters, it would be worth reviewing the division of labour/ downtime when you’re both home to avoid resentment building up.

I totally get needing time to yourself - as a thought, would you be happy going up to bed an hour before your husband and having an hour to yourself to read/ watch something on your iPad etc and then still get a bit more sleep?

This is a really good strategy!

Yeah because being tired as a mother means you could make mistakes on your job. I've never understood when people say that about their jobs.... I would say looking after a tiny human who is completely reliant on you is far more important than being tired in a job.

Go to bed at 10. You said your DD goes to sleep 6-7 so that's a good 3 hours.
It gets easier.
Your husband needs to help more. One nightly wake won't hurt him but it will help you.

And you're not on call 24/7. Working hours 8-6. Your husband can help at night. Or do the nappy change at 10pm and get up with baby too.
Don't feel bad for waking him at all.

If you are a Stay at home parent I think its fair you do more of the care but if you work its a different story. He should be chipping in. How sad it is that this story is always told. I could have written this, difference is I work and have two very young children and I do all the night stuff. I sleep in the guest room and my 3 year old comes in with me half way through the night and I get up with the baby.

When I had a newborn, I did baby and house stuff. Husband did work and odd bits of cooking. He had to work, he needed to be up and out and performing in a work environment. Yes I was knackered, like eye burning knackered, but I was at home pottering with a newborn, doing supermarket shops. It’s not the same.

I 100% agree with you.

You’re on maternity leave. This means that you care for the baby solo during your DH’s working hours. Everything outside of those working hours should be 50/50.

Otherwise you’re working 24/7 whilst his life goes on as normal, and that is obviously unfair

I'm always surprised by the amount of people on here - a women's forum, supposedly - who think women on maternity leave or SAHMs are responsible for their kids round the clock, effectively working 24-7, while their partners only have to work 9-5, not do any of the childcare outside those hours, and can expect to be looked after too. It's like feminism never happened.

Of course your partner can do at least one of the night feeds/changes, OP. This is 2023, not 1823. You're his partner, not his child-bearing servant.

Is there a rule or something that babies suddenly start sleeping through the night when their mothers go back to work?

Or is it only men who might lose their jobs because they make mistakes at work due to tiredness? So women have a free pass to underperform, right?

@Allthingsdecember yup 100%

Your DH can't spend all weekend doing all his hobbies and you getting no downtime.

My DH had / has a big job (he never took his full paternity leave) and during the week I was 99% of the time, did all childcare / night feeds / cleaning / housework

At the weekend, DH was a lot more involved, I was able to have an hour or 2 doing stuff or nothing. He took over.

Your DH is being selfish and you are facilitating him.
Maybe he gives up one of his football nights or clubs?
It seems that having a baby hasn't impacted his life at all which tells you something is massively wrong.

Yes, we had this set up plus DH was helping more on weekdays including waking up at night if I was unwell. It’s fair imo.

I did this. After my first Used to watch tv as everyone talks about needing your ‘own time’ , then I heard a woman say ‘if you are so tired all you can do is watch tv, go to bed’. That totally transformed my life. I just felt so much better from getting more sleep. Ditch the forced ‘me ‘ time and just sleep!

It seems that having a baby hasn't impacted his life at all which tells you something is massively wrong.
really wise words @Pipsquiggle
you can’t carry on as before when you became a parent, just can’t.

DH has it all his own way. No night duties and same social life as pre baby... did he want to be a parent?
If so then he needs to step up and help you survive this difficult time. Sleep deprivation is a torture I believe.
DH is blinkered and selfish. Unless he puts in a shift or two of baby care and not football time this will only get worse.
Stick the boot in now

Don't feel bad. You sound exhausted and yet he has the energy to run around playing football. There needs to be more balance.

What has actually changed for your DH now you’ve had a baby, apart from the baby’s constant presence in your house?

It sounds like nothing has changed, I’d be more worried about you resenting him than the other way around. Parenting and keeping a house is a team effort, if it all falls on you what purpose does he serve other than making the baby and sharing the bills?

Last night probably wasn’t the best time to wake him at 4am but if he supported you the rest of the time you’d probably not have been at your wits end.

Why can't he do Friday and Saturday night feeding and settling? That's what my dh did even he worked long hours