Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

This thread is so depressing and it makes me realise how thankful I am for how wonderful my DH was.

Our first baby was such hard work and I was permanently exhausted, it was unbearable. The baby was breastfed but my DH still got up at night if I was really struggling in order to help join in with the settling or just for moral support. He always said, “we are a team” and said that absolutely no way would he have kept sleeping knowing I was on the brink and surviving on such little sleep.

He’d then get up in the morning and make me a packed lunch before he went to work and pop it in the fridge for me so he’d at least know that no matter how awful my day was going to be at least I’d have some lunch. He’d then come home at about 5.30pm and send me straight to bed for at least an hour just to have a catch up nap whilst he cooked dinner.

I would then get up at about 7, we’d eat and then I would start doing all the baby bedtime stuff and feeds and settling etc whilst he cleaned the kitchen.

I remember one day I was at home and I’d maybe had about 6 hours sleep in 24 hours and the baby wouldn’t stop crying as I was literally about to drop. I rang him at work and I couldn’t speak for crying and all I could muster was me repeatedly telling him that I just couldn’t do it anymore, and so he came home from work because I was in such a state. He was a wonderful, wonderful support.

Prior to the baby arriving he was captain of a local football team and the local cricket team but he surrendered both roles until the baby was at least 10 months as he understood that his sports were not his priority anymore.

He would let me have a lie-in on both Saturday and Sunday once I’d done the morning feed etc because he knew how utterly exhausted I always was from horrendous broken nights and usually difficult days.

You deserve so much more OP! Men are so ridiculously selfish sometimes - it just baffles me!

When is your time? When do you get to opt out of being a parent?

If you also get some regular time for exercise/hobbies/free time then that's fine. I'm betting you get none. If so, he should be ashamed of himself.

It should be equally split....you one night him other. Fcol .. he chose to be a dad also. If a woman worked hours OP DH works and did nothing when got home inc kids she would be slated. Just because OP is on maternity leave doesnt mean she has to do everything

I think there are a lot of women here who are being very harsh to OP. I am on my third child who is 1, and this is to a new partner. My first partner (exDH) never did a night feed or woke as he could " never get back to sleep" however he did help in other ways and took his share of the kids at the weekends, even if there were other things he should have been doing. New partner doesn't do nights as I have been breastfeeding and baby has never taken bottle. I work as a nurse and have been back working shifts since baby was 7 months old. I have still had to wake to do the night feeds since then as my part er lies blissfully sleeping because "he has no milk boobs to feed her anyway". As he lies blissfully sleeping and I'm watching the clock tick ever closer to my alarm time for work, I imagine ways to painfully inflict him. I understand OP when she says she is exhausted. MATERNITY LEAVE is not fun. It sucks a lot of the time and women are left to suck it up. I am sorry OP that your other half feels he is above helping with the baby. He should put more effort in at the weekend and in the evenings whether he is bloody working or not. It takes two to make a baby, but he needs to step up and be a dad. Let him mood away all he wants. You need to be firm about your needs too, or he will just continue to ignore them. I send hugs x

YANBU. I don't understand all the posters rushing to protect this poor man from being a bit tired. What is his job? Will someone die if he makes a mistake at work? I understand a bit of he's a surgeon, but if he's just working on a computer then it's absolutely reasonable to expect him to help in the night.

Yes he has work, but you have a job too, and it's 24/7!

Of course he needs to be able to cover it for once, if it was too much for you, there was no other choice.

Playing football and training football is his hobby and exercise time. Make a schedule together which will allow you to take the same time for yourself alone. It's only fair.

And yes, choosing to lead football team doesn't mean he can't take care of two nights in a week, so the OP could sleep.

I don't get the posters expecting the OP to go to bed at 7PM . Maternity leave doesn't mean one parent remains free for evening football and the other is at fault for having an evening as an adult.

Sorry but if he has the energy for his social life yanbu to expect something as basic as the chance to sleep. Has his life changed in any way since dd arrived?

Oh, so he has time for HIS hobby but too tired to help with his kid? What a joke. My DH is a saint compared to these MN husbands.

All these comments make me angry. As OPs husband is working then she should do all the night shifts. What do people think OP is doing ALL day. She’s not at a computer but looking after a baby is a far harder job than work. It’s why people make “jokes” about going to work for a break from parenting.
When I was on mat leave my husband and I shared the night shift, he would get up any time until 2 and after that it was on me. This ensured we both had a solid 5/6 hour chunk of sleep.
Don't feel bad OP. You don’t get to opt out and do your football clubs and spend all day in an office speaking to adults and drinking hot coffees. Parenting is shared !

After DS turned 3 months old I started a bedtime routine that prepared him to sleep when I wanted him to. If you want him to sleep at 8 then lights out, create a bedtime routine by 7. If he waked pat him to sleep. At 5 months I wouldn’t be waking him to change a wee nappy just poos.

The problem here is that you are setting the tone for the future where you do everything for the child and house and he makes the money.

Yes its important for him to sleep but if you are tired you could also make mistakes which could be harmful. My husband worked shifts but used to do a night feed .
You need to work out what works for both of you. Maybe he goes to bed extra early so he can get up and vice versa.
This part doesnt last forever, what matters is that you are a team and support each other . You are both parents.

I love it when the accusations of DO YOU WORK? come flying in, because god forbid a SAHM expect any help when she leeches off her husband.

Anyway, for those of us who read the OP, the baby is only five months old.

The scathing comments are so sad. The OP couldn’t even take some quiet time for herself of an evening, after being in sole change of a baby all day, without having that thrown back in her face. I’m sure her husband could have survived one day at work on broken sleep.

Golden rule is equal downtime / hobby time for both parties. Can’t see why that would be controversial.

Also, does he not care about losing out on these precious fleeting times with his newborn?

As others say, your child will grow up always asking for / wanting you because less of a bond with her father, and you’ll find yourself snookered. Three years hence he’ll be going away for weekends with friends, and you won’t because your child will fret for you too much.

Change the tone! x

Exactly what @Jellycats4life says.

There’s no right or wrong way to do it but I think what you need to do is have a discussion about expectations.

If I was due at work in a couple of hours and the other parent at home I think asking me to do the 4am wake up might be a bit harsh, but I’d do it if I knew my partner was on their knees.

Honestly I think what would work better and what we did is if in the week you go to bed as early as possible (like 9/10 pm) but then agree that partner is solely in charge until say 2am. Then you deal with wake ups after that. That way you each get 4 hours at least of solid sleep, and whatever else you get around the wake ups. Plus partner gets from at least 2am (and probably earlier) to whenever he gets up for work.

At the weekends we’d share wake ups equally but also make sure that each of us got a lie in on one day and a chance to go to the gym or something. If that means that he has to dial down the football then so be it.

YANBU at all. I breastfed so most of the nighttime stuff was on me regardless, but DH did plenty of nappy changes, winding, walking the floor etc.

Our 3yo still wakes in the night a couple of times a week (and for a good year from 18 months was up for 2 hours every single night) - ask him very pointedly what he expects to happen with night wakenings once you're back at work.

Also, he should be pitching in with housework when he's home, you're off to mind the baby not be his slave.

Yanbu op. You clearly do the bulk of it and he's not going to be exhausted from helping with an occasional 4am wake up when you're too exhausted to manage,

Your set up sounds similair to mine and I think evenings and weekends are for everyone to do. I consider my ‘working hours’ in the home focussed parent. But evenings and weekends it should be a joint effort.

I would go to bed at 7 for a few nights...if you can do that and catch up with sleep you will feel better.

My husband used to do a midnight feed before he went to bed (me going much earlier) and then I would take over..that worked as least I had some good sleep early on.

Of course a one off ask is not unreasonable! You've been doing this for months. He can step in for a night even if it is a work night!

OP I can related to the being absolutly over tired and touched out and still not being able to sleep because you need a little time to do something else. I was so tired with DD1 that I stopped driving at 7 months because I felt I wasn't safe behind a wheel, and I still struggled to sleep at night because I needed 'downtime' as well as sleep.

DH regularly needs to do Friday/Sat nights and allow for at least one lie in while the baby is not sleeping through the night. At the moment it sounds like you are the one that has given up everything to accomodate for everyone else. This isn't sustainable.

Thats what we did. 6pm -12pm DH responsibility. Baby needs fed, changed or bath time then DH did it. I think he enjoyed spending time keeping DS awake playing and then if he could make it to 7.30/8pm it would usually let him put baby down and get some time to himself too. Gave me a solid period from 6pm to usually about 3-4am to get some me time and sleep. I was then nice and fresh to deal with anything from 12am onwards, usually 3-4am in reality.

Worked for us and it meant as i was not too tired we could also get along together. If either of us was a little fatigued we would obviously cover for each other.

I can see you doing nights in the week if he’s FT and you are at home but he has to give you a break sometime, maybe he needs to step back from his responsibilities with the kids’ football. How would that work anyway long term, he’s not planning to do any of the childcare/spend time with his child when he’s not at work? He does have to make some compromises - if not that is opting out of being a dad as you say.

YANBU despite what some posters have said. So you should be getting a nice hour of peace to yourself! I love my time to myself in the evenings when the baby and my partner have gone to bed. He works full time in a demanding job and still helps me in the week and at weekends...seriously it's time we stopped making excuses for men's laziness and entitlement! Real men value the contribution their partners are making and want to be involved in their children's lives! Enjoy your evening free time when you can OP and tell him to cut down on football because you need your weekend lie in! End of!!!

If he won't give up football and the kids team then he needs to get up with baby two nights during the week.

Put your foot down, OP, he's a selfish dickhead,

He was unreasonable. Should share the night times. When my kids were babies my wife was a stay at home mum, I worked full time but did the majority of the night feeds and stuff (mainly because I was a light sleeper and she wasn’t so I always woke first 🤣).