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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

956 replies

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:14

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

OP posts:
SylvieB74 · 27/10/2023 00:37

I’d have probably let him sleep if you’re not working you could just take it easy in the day and do the bare minimum. He could maybe give you a bit of a break when he comes in from work or something? It’s just a really difficult time with a baby that age, most people feel like they can’t cope at times but it soon passes.

Catsmere · 27/10/2023 00:42

@SylvieB74 have you read the thread? OP can't take it easy during the day, her baby is unwell and not sleeping, she has to look after her and the dog and do all the housework and she's doing admin for her husband's business - when is she supposed to take it easy? Meanwhile that lazy brute has been refusing even to bathe his daughter or put on a load of washing, while cheerfully spending his weekends as a football coach. He lost it when OP asked him ONCE to do a 4am feed, and his response when called out was to offload childcare onto his mother.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 00:43

@SylvieB74 do you not think dads need to parent?

Bobbob2015 · 27/10/2023 00:45

I’m not sure why you’ve had so much grief, it’s not unreasonable to wake your partner occasionally when you’re exhausted and have had a rough night. The early days are tough and I think a lot of couples battle over the adjustment and a lot of partners take a while to get used to the idea that just because they go to work it doesn’t mean they get home and don’t have to do anything. Keep asking for help and aiming to find that happy middle ground. I did with my husband and he’s now brilliantly hands on and we generally both pitch in and get what needs doing done and then sit down together. It’s a big adjustment for them too so try not to take it too much to heart but you’re a team and if one of you is struggling the other needs to pitch in. I’m glad you have some help lined up and he’s starting to understand that it’s tough for you too. It’s important to find a way that means you can catch up on sleep too at the weekend.

Fernandosseat514 · 27/10/2023 02:30

Jeclop · 26/10/2023 19:58

Surely this is a joke?
How can a parent claim looking after children is not working!?

I can tell you looking after my newborn children was the most difficult job I've ever done. The sleep deprivation was an absolute killer.

My husband works in a highly stressful and demanding job (banking) and always did his fair share whilst I was on mat leave. With our first born he did all night time nappy changes and I did all feeds (I was breastfeeding) for the first few months. He gave me lie-ins at the weekend, as did I him, and stepped from the moment he was home.

During his office working hours, including commutes, it was my 'job' to look after children. Outside of that everything should be shared.

@ftm03 not only should he have helped this time, he should be doing his fair share always.

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Absolutely this ^^

My dh has a very demanding job and he still managed to get up most nights to do the 4 am shift because he knew I was alone with the baby for long hours when he was out of the house.

mandlerparr · 27/10/2023 04:15

FSTraining · 26/10/2023 21:37

Except if she is staying at home she would have no income. Funnily enough the go to work parent doesn't just go and shake a magic money tree, although a lot of SAHMs manage to convince themselves they do.

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Funny how they always have so much money to spend 30-50% of the household income on their hobbies, but the SAHM doing 100% of the childcare and household work is the problem. Having a job doesn't absolve you of raising your kids. Especially when you don't work any harder than when you were single.

Codlingmoths · 27/10/2023 05:57

FSTraining · 26/10/2023 21:43

If she's on mat leave, she's staying at home. A lot of one sided posting going on here from people who clearly have no idea what it's like doing a professional job. I actually think the OP had a point but a lot of her cheerleaders don't have a clue.

Show quote history

I work full time, for a decade it was big 4 consulting. Global company with early morning and evening meetings, plenty of pressure. I understand very very well what it is to have a professional job and also what I expect of my Dh, who does night wakes and a lot else while I’m on maternity leave, and a lot of other things for our 3 dc, and now I’m back at work carries half the home load. Most of these comments resonate so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they come from many women who have an excellent understanding of working a professional job and live it daily.

Codlingmoths · 27/10/2023 05:58

Lovely update op and very clearly expressed. I’m glad he’s seen the light, remember that he can still wash his own clothes for a couple of weeks!

Greenberg2 · 27/10/2023 05:58

Panaa · 26/10/2023 22:42

Absolutely agree!
And they've now had this conversation.....

I was straight up and told him that I won't hesitate to leave if it means not having to cook, clean and pick up his mess as an additional person to look after when I'm swamped and I really meant it. I told him that I resent him and that I feel like I love him a little less every single time I'm on my own at the weekend, every single time I do another load of washing, every single time I walk the dog in the rain with a baby who's not well right now.

And it's far better to have had it now when he has a chance to cop on than to have it in a few years when nothing can be done and she can't get past the resentment.
Being a 1950s housewife and putting up with stuff that causes resentment is not the secret to a happy, healthy marriage. That stuff kills a marriage in the end.

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This is so very true.

EqualityWhatequality · 27/10/2023 06:45

WELL DONE OP. LOVE YOUR UPDATE!!!

I can relate so much to what you were struggling with and I’m so glad you’ve sorted it this early on. I wish I had.

This phase doesn’t last and the two of you will both have more headspace in a few years. The first three years at least are super intense (and amazing, exhausting etc).

So impressed by you. Ignore the time travellers from the 1950s!

IndiaRose23 · 27/10/2023 06:48

When my DS was a baby, we used to put him to bed at 6/7pm, then I would lie in bed and watch something on my tablet with my headphones in. Would that work as alone time for you?

Copasetic · 27/10/2023 06:58

We always did me during the week - it was my job as I was not working and could go back to bed in the day - and shared weekends. Apart from that, when he was around and baby up, the baby was shared along with other jobs eg one did bath and bottle, one made tea etc.

violetcuriosity · 27/10/2023 07:02

PPs ABU here. Of course he can do one night feed here and there and of course you are allowed to stay up late every now and then. You have a baby not a life sentence, it shouldn't be a punishment for either of you. The fact you asked him, which I get the impression is unusual, should have meant he got straight up and did it.

AnimalMineralVegetable · 27/10/2023 07:31

ftm03 · 26/10/2023 19:35

What day should I choose my lay in when DH has football both mornings????? I went to bed at 11pm one night as a fully grown woman who wanted an hour to herself after holding a baby who's not feeling well most of the day, who didn't nap, as well as walking the dog, laundry, hoovering, washing up etc etc. Please read the whole thread before commenting.

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Ignore obtuse comments like this OP. So unhelpful.

I hope the new support you are getting from your DH lasts. Thank goodness you managed to get through to him.

violetcuriosity · 27/10/2023 07:39

'I told him that I resent him and that I feel like I love him a little less every single time I'm on my own at the weekend, every single time I do another load of washing, every single time I walk the dog in the rain with a baby who's not well right now.'

This made me well up, I can relate to this so much. My partner plays semi-pro football so works all week and plays on Saturdays. It causes so much resentment and I feel like he owns the weekends.

Ohhmydays · 27/10/2023 07:42

Mummabee87 · 25/10/2023 21:04

People on here are blinking horrible! Op is not being unreasonable at all! One 4am feed would not kill him when she has done everything for 5 months!
Being a sahm does not mean you have to do everything! Working 24/7 for 5 months, op must be exhausted!
As a mum of a 4 year old & 4 month old, i hate being told to sleep when baby sleeps. I cant just fall asleep like that. And if theres jobs that need doing ect. I wont sleep thinking about them.
I totally understand wanting a hour to yourself.
Have you got any family that could take the baby for a couple of hours once a week to ensure you get a break before you destroy your mental health?

I am with you on the sleep when baby sleeps. I can’t just switch off. Takes me at least an hour to start dozing, even when one of the kids have been awake from 3am from being not well(1yr old on Wednesday night). My 4 year old has always been a terrible sleeper, some night he doesn’t fall asleep until 11 so its about 12 or later before i manage to fall over.

glad to hear your getting a little break op. My MIL started taking the 4yr around every few weeks from when he was around that age as me an dp would be completely done in. Best thing ever tbf as he will sleep out no problem whats so ever where as my 1yr is the opposite. He will only sleep in his cot in his room. Mil has attempted to take him 3times and each time she has had to bring him home as he jst screams the place down every time she attempts to put him in the travel cot as he’s just not used to it.
hoping your husband realises what he is doing and pulls his finger out.

Missjd87 · 27/10/2023 08:03

Jesus wept. What is wrong with the women in these comments.

It is entirely irrelevant if OP “works” a “real” job, as her job has been 24 hours a day for the last five months…

You are absolutely NTA, one night feed isn’t going to kill him.

I hope it continues to go well for you after the conversation

wildwestpioneer · 27/10/2023 08:09

@ftm03

What day should I choose my lay in when DH has football both mornings????? I went to bed at 11pm one night as a fully grown woman who wanted an hour to herself after holding a baby who's not feeling well most of the day, who didn't nap, as well as walking the dog, laundry, hoovering, washing up etc etc. Please read the whole thread before commenting

Let your dh choose which day he picks to either arrange cover or go in later. There are now TWO other people in the family who's weekend it is that he should be considering. He can't have it all his own way. Everyone's lives change when a baby comes along, not just yours

LJ125 · 27/10/2023 08:44

Interesting to see on here that the consensus is that as you’re on maternity leave you should be doing all the night time wake ups Monday to Friday. I’ve got a one year old so I’m acutely aware of this issue and have spent lots of time talking about it with various mum friends over the last year. I am of the view that the person not going to work should do the majority of the night wakes (not necessarily all) but even I don’t think you asking him to do one wake up was unreasonable. It’s worth pointing out though that I was alone in that view amongst my friends, and their partners generally helped 50/50 with night wakes. This is on the basis that during working hours the working parent gives 100% to work and the SAHP gives 100% to childcare/housework, but that out of those hours everything should be split equally. Just thought I’d mention this as there’s plainly a large school of thought which supports your view but that isn’t being reflected in the comments I read on here.

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 08:52

Let's look at this rationally - the vast majority of women on here are supporting OP.

There are a few women who are well meaning but don't understand that her 5 month DD doesn't nap during the day which is brutal.

There's a tiny minority e.g. @Solonge @FSTraining et al who post repeatedly that women should change their entire lives 24/7 and have no practical support from their men with childcare as they are the 'earners' and the menfolk can swan around like nothing has happened. I do hope these posters realise that their DPs are not the princes among men that they think they are.

Goldbar31 · 27/10/2023 08:53

Hi Op.
I totally understand and have felt the same as you do.
I’m pleased about your update!
Take care ❤️

CuteOrangeElephant · 27/10/2023 09:22

My baby never napped unless it was on me, didn't sleep at night either. In the end I felt like I was very close to a mental breakdown.

The resentment it has caused towards DH has meant that we do not have a second child.

OP, I promise you it will get better, with or without your DHs co-operation.

Daisyblue77 · 27/10/2023 09:34

Love this. Yes we should all be slaves to the house and our men

Bbbenice · 27/10/2023 09:40

YANBU
Before we had our dd we had a lot of conversations around expectations, labour and the mental load of the family.
My job is while he is at work the childcare, my job is not cooking, cleaning, meal planning, house management ect, I end up doing loads of that becuase we are a team and I have the time. My husband gets up during the night and has done since I stopped bf becuase he can just go back to sleep where as I cant get back to sleep. He cares about making sure my needs get met because I do the most for the family and if I cant function neither can this house or him.
It's very telling that your partner only cares about his needs when you are actively struggling, sounds like you need to have a conversation around expectations and what's actually fair , being the main source of income doesnt absolve you of being an active parent and participant of the household!

PollyPut · 27/10/2023 09:51

On maternity leave I wouldn't be asking my partner to get up in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding mums have to do night feeds themselves.

In your position I would encourage DH to do bathtime /bedtime much more often. It is good bonding time, as you say. encourage him to read books.

However, I'd let him keep his hobby. In the future he will need it and your daughter may grow up loving football so this will be great for her, especially if he's an establish children's coach.

Go to bed earlier - 11 is very late in your situation.

This isn't forever. It will get easier.

Having to change nappies at night like this is not what I would expect. Can you give less milk late at night? Or perhaps try two nappies - a larger one over the smaller one? When baby moves to solid food then they will be less hungry for milk so shouldn't wet the nappy at night as much