Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

I’m divorced now, but I was a motor biking widow! Every weekend he was off all day while I was left with two young daughters. I also worked. His Father was the same with golf. It’s a piss take.

Your husband’s weekend football (training other peoples children) needs to go on hold, to focus on his child and support you. And he needs to man up on house care.

Except if she is staying at home she would have no income. Funnily enough the go to work parent doesn't just go and shake a magic money tree, although a lot of SAHMs manage to convince themselves they do.

RTFT. She’s not a SAHP. She’s on mat leave and going back to work. So she’s adding to the “magic money tree”.

If she's on mat leave, she's staying at home. A lot of one sided posting going on here from people who clearly have no idea what it's like doing a professional job. I actually think the OP had a point but a lot of her cheerleaders don't have a clue.

So looking after a small baby all day does not require a rested parent? Seems like if he takes his eye off the ball, he could lose some money, if you take your eye off the ball your baby could end up in an unsafe situation. You both deserve rest and if a full night's sleep for both of you is not on the cards it needs to be shared.

That is quite an assumption FStraining. Anyone who thinks a man can put on a load of laundry after a day's work or wake up with a baby doesn't have a professional job and can't understand the terrible burden it places on a man's shoulders.

I have a "professional" job as has DH. I was back at work parttime at 4 months post partum. We took turns with night feeds. We took turns with sick babies. We took turns doing the laundry and making the dinner and all the other little incidentals of adult life. We did just fine in our "professional" jobs despite this. I suspect a lorry driver is probably not what you consider to be a professional job, but I think the argument for a full night's sleep is way more pertinent for that job than a solicitor or accountant or whatever. No reason a lorry driver can't do a load of laundry in the evening or make a dinner though. And no reason he couldn't get up with a baby at the weekend or on his days off.

You stayed up for 5 hours after your baby went to sleep. Assuming you aren’t working YABU. Looking after a baby is hard work but on mat leave it’s your job while the other parent is working. On weekends you should split baby duties and if the baby is a bad sleeper (like up every hour) you need to share out the night wakes but one feed a night should be the person on leave.

I went back to work full time in my professional job when my baby was 12 weeks old. Think again.

During those 12 weeks (or 6 months or 9 months or 12 months etc for others) I was on maternity leave, I didn't consider myself to be a SAHM and my DH didn't either. A SAHM isn't on maternity leave, it's usually more long term.

No income? In Europe, the mat leave is generally paid.
How much and how exactly depends, but with 5 months old, there is a huge probability that she has a relevant income which can be even more stable and regular than her husband's while he is starting his own business.
They are saving now to pay for the nursery when she gets back to work.

Not that it matters much here, fair relationship is about sharing the scarce resources, not about expecting one to go without.

I understood from your previous posts, that your relationship wasn't working well, so it is sensitive for you, and maybe your partner was somehow unreasonable, hard to tell now. However, this case is obviously different, they need to stabilise the situation and than get ready for the time when both will be working in a few months, so he obviously needs to be able to do everything with the baby, just the ratios will change over the time.

He doesn't split babies duties on weekends though so how can you say she's unreasonable? If he did then perhaps she wouldn't have stayed up so late on that particular night because she would have known she had the weekend to look forward to.

Op ur dh needs to do the earlier night feed at midnight then he can sleep through to the morn while u do the 4am feed and go back to sleep afterwards.
U go to bed at 9pm or 10pm and get ur full sleep through till 4am

Have you read at least the original post? Ideally together with OP's updates?

If you do that, you will not have to assume. You will know, that it wasn't a night with just one feeding, and that part of the issue are his weekend plans. As an extra bonus, you will know that the core of the discussion shifted, because the OP talked with her husband and they will hopefully find some way working for both.

Well done OP for realising you are having some trouble and addressing it head on rather than being the little 1950s housewife and suffering in silence that so many in this post think you should be doing.
The same people who likely share many mental health posts, yet when someone’s mental health is clearly being effected are criticising them for speaking up and looking for help,
well done OP I hope this is the prompt your husband needs to get back on track and with both mother in laws knowing an added bit of support
I to too this day am so guilty of staying up when everyone is in bed just to chill down and have that time alone it’s precious and can help the mind so much

enjoy those stolen moments of time to yourself you deserve them

Absolutely agree!
And they've now had this conversation.....

I was straight up and told him that I won't hesitate to leave if it means not having to cook, clean and pick up his mess as an additional person to look after when I'm swamped and I really meant it. I told him that I resent him and that I feel like I love him a little less every single time I'm on my own at the weekend, every single time I do another load of washing, every single time I walk the dog in the rain with a baby who's not well right now.

And it's far better to have had it now when he has a chance to cop on than to have it in a few years when nothing can be done and she can't get past the resentment.
Being a 1950s housewife and putting up with stuff that causes resentment is not the secret to a happy, healthy marriage. That stuff kills a marriage in the end.

He plays football a few nights per week and at weekends. You also deserve alone time. This needs to be built into your lives. As a single mum with older kids who go to bed at the same time or later than myself, staying up after they’ve gone to bed for some me time is not possible. Set up your life now with alone time, so that you then don’t have to make a big deal about changing something down the line. He has his football, you do something for you.

I have one of those very highly paid and highly stressed professional jobs 😂 So do many women. We all still manage to cope with interrupted sleep when we return from mat leave to work.

Diddums to the useless men who can’t keep up with us. They soon get kicked into touch.

I honestly don't get where all these people saying YABU are coming from. Yes, OP is on maternity leave but it's not a holiday, it sounds like she's 'on' 24/7 cos he's not helping at all. With a baby who's not napping, and is restless at night, you're never not off the job so to speak. He should be giving you time in the evening just to decompress and vice versa and the footballing should be off the table until baby is bigger. Do you get a break to go and do something on the weekends like he does? Parenting is a 2 person job, he should step up.

Some awful posts. Misogynistic..incel style posts... Or divorced bitter men..or indeed men who do not want the status quo to change... because they know they benefit. Im outta here on this post...MN is getting whereas theres a lot of misogynists.. men and women

Sounds like he's woken up OP and smelled the coffee. It takes 2 to make a baby and it should be 2 that raise a baby. Being a parent is tough and I don't think anyone is prepared. You need me time too. Can you go out one evening a week/month? A girls night or something. I brought my boys up on my own. There was no one around to help. Bringing them up with the other parent watching but not helping must be awful and demoralising. for you

I guess they are coming from some US based forum. They seem to be unaware of a concept of paid maternity leave, consider 2 hours commute each way a reasonable lifestyle choice, and are quite oblivious of the actual content of this thread.

You must be so tired!

I am a lawyer and got up frequently through the night with my kids, who took a couple of years to sleep through the night after my maternity leave periods ended. So did my husband. Have some coffee, grit your teeth and get on with it.

Having to get up one time in the night will not ruin your husbands career and if it will he needs to get a grip. Any surgeon operating on his heart will likely be operating on less sleep than he had that night.

Nobody's "triggered" by MRAs and assorted misogynists. It's not like these opinions are new or clever. Scornful or disdainful are more accurate terms.

Shocked by some of the comments on here, OP I am glad your partner is listening to you and stepping up. I am a sahm but my partner always took part in parenting when he was home, he didn’t get to opt out and he also didn’t get to be well rested and sleep through every night when I was up every night with the baby for the first year of their lives.

It’s madness that some posters expect that! It is knackering like nothing else, looking after a baby, you both had a child so absolutely no reason he can’t step up in some way and share the load. It doesn’t last forever, they start sleeping through and going to bed consistently and you will get your evenings and nights back. Until then you’re in it together.

If the baby allows you to go to bed earlier, do it. I am a night owl, not a morning person at all. But, I found that my baby was much less fussy in the morning, if not sleeping. If they are awake, just set them on the floor, or maybe one of the many soothing chairs or rockers available and enjoy the time. I would get up early with the husband, see him off, and have a ton of time to myself. You can give it a try and see if it works for you. The biggest risk is that you fall asleep.
Now, I don't care if he has two jobs and then volunteers 40 hours on the weekend. He needs to be interacting with his baby at least one hour per day. He needs to hold the baby and change diapers, etc. Maybe I already missed where you say he does, but whatever he is doing, he needs to up that amount. And he also needs to let you go out one day a week since he has several different days where he gets to do things.
You are falling into a trap right now, act before it springs closed. We will just ignore him not helping at night for now and focus on why he is still acting like a barely married man when he has both a wife and a child at home. If he wanted to maintain his single life, he should have stayed single. You can tell him I said it and show this to him. Ask him if he wants to have you hating him in a few years, because if he continues being selfish like this, that is what is going to happen.
He has a wife and a family now. Time to start being a husband and dad. You don't get to stop being those just because you work. Everybody works.

The nerves hit are yours, love.

You've clearly had a shit marriage with a shit husband. You have to double down in defence of the OP's husband, otherwise you'd be forced to accept the reality of your own depressing life.