Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

You are unreasonable as other people have said go to bed earlier and have a lie in one day at the weekend

He needs to give this activity up.

I'm surprised at all these comments. I saw my role during maternity leave as 'taking care of my baby' while husband was at work. If I managed to do a wash or other chores during the day, great. If not (most often) then it was not done. And once DH was home, we were equal. After all I had been 'at my job' (ie taking care of our baby) while he was at his job during the day. Why would my job be 24h while his is limited to 8-9h? But then every time I read mumsnet I am ever so thankful for my DH!

What day should I choose my lay in when DH has football both mornings????? I went to bed at 11pm one night as a fully grown woman who wanted an hour to herself after holding a baby who's not feeling well most of the day, who didn't nap, as well as walking the dog, laundry, hoovering, washing up etc etc. Please read the whole thread before commenting.

@ftm03 Really pleased to hear that. Good for you for standing your ground - and long may it continue.

Ignore them. Any mother who puts up with the kind of behaviour where the DP/DH does nothing and gets to carry on life as if they didn’t have any new responsibilities now that are a parent probably has a DH/DP who thinks they’re a right mug.

You know what yes he works, but he’s got to give something, DD is both of yours child.. seems like you have a plan going forward now.

When my son was little ( I’m a single parent) we would go for a drive, as soon as he was a sleep I would stop whenever we were and sleep just to catch up! :-)

Surely this is a joke?
How can a parent claim looking after children is not working!?

I can tell you looking after my newborn children was the most difficult job I've ever done. The sleep deprivation was an absolute killer.

My husband works in a highly stressful and demanding job (banking) and always did his fair share whilst I was on mat leave. With our first born he did all night time nappy changes and I did all feeds (I was breastfeeding) for the first few months. He gave me lie-ins at the weekend, as did I him, and stepped from the moment he was home.

During his office working hours, including commutes, it was my 'job' to look after children. Outside of that everything should be shared.

@ftm03 not only should he have helped this time, he should be doing his fair share always.

The updates are great to read OP. I hope things continue to be better for you.

There are some bitter contributions to this thread. Just because some people got through the early years with useless husbands doesn't mean others should have the same low standards.

What I found worked when I was on mat leave is that I did everything during the day and when dd went to bed. But ... it was 50/50 when my dh got home. So shared bath times and bed times etc, washing up after tea and nothing was left undone before we went to bed. I did all the night wakings during the working week, but on weekends it was 50/50 so we each got uninterrupted sleep and a lie in. If your dh wants to do the kids foot ball that's fine, but that doesn't excuse him from night feeds etc on the weekend, he'll just have to do it tired like you do.

@ftm03 pleased to hear you had such a great day 🙂

Don’t let your partner gaslight you thah his paid job justifies not doing a full, equal share of parenting, including night shifts. My partner and I split night shifts throughout our shared parental leave, using some approaches similar to those suggested on this thread, irrespective of who was working and who was SAHP at the time. It’s entirely possible to do so and still perform at work. And I soon realised when doing so that being the SAHP is by far the more emotionally and physically draining job.

I just wanted to chip in and say you anbu. I'm so glad he has seen the light and I hope for all of you the change in behaviour continues. I've never understood the rationale that you cant do a night feed etc as you have work the next day. So does the person on maternity leave... doing a full time job looking after the most precious thing, your baby!! The amount of times I did potentially dangerous things through sleep deprivation was unreal. I hope it continues to be better.

I feel like you aren’t going to win with that question OP. There is a group of people who think because you are a SAHM you should do everything and be available 24 hours a day with no rest or break. My view I no one can keep going 24/7 without a break. DH has to do his fair share. I would try and get this established now as it’s harder as time passes.

I love my DH but I work FT, pretty much do FT parenting and DH in my view does a lot of household stuff to contribute but avoids parenting at all cost. More fool me, I’m absolutely f*ing exhausted and I feel like I’m working 24/7 with no chance of any break in the next 10 years.

If he is working and earning the wage and yourbon maternity leave then during the week you should be doing the night feeds etc, then he should give you a few hours off at the weekend and help with housework. Think you need to adjust your schedule and go to bed earlier, you can record TV nowadays to watch the next day.

Some days I had to function on 2 hrs sleep, and that is me working as well as looking after a baby whe he was teething bad once I went back to work or was ill.

Hey, I’m sorry but some of the comments here are unfair. So what if you’re on maternity leave and he’s working. So are you!! A full time mum and all the housework too. You need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. He should be doing more! My partner starts work at 5am and he has and still helps with our 17 month old. Even when I was on maternity. I’m back at work now but don’t staff until 8am. My son never sleeps and it can be absolutely brutal sometimes and my partner has never ever complained or not helped. No offence but your husband needs a reality check. It only the fact he doesn’t help, but for you to not even get a help in a weekend either is simply unfair. I hope you both find a routine that is fair and equal x

Ah I feel you on this, my LO woke every 45 mins until he was 8 months old.. absolutely horrific. I breastfed so unfortunately no help with feeds, I did, however, wake OH up numerous times so he could watch me feed LO incase I fell asleep. He also did the majority of the evening cooking & bath times. Also works full time!

So I don't thing you were being unreasonable. Hardest job in the world keeping a baby alive ❤️

(Good news is LO has slept through since 10 months old!)

I’m currently on mat leave with a 5 month old and also have a 3 year old…it’s very hard work but yes I do the majority. He does get up with them on the weekend mornings so I can have a lie in but all night feeds are done by me especially if he has work the next day.

My advice would be to make the bottles before bed and keep them in the fridge, makes life much easier (we had a prep machine for our 1st but 2nd has bad reflux). I have also co slept with both, I know it’s a marmite subject but it really does help with getting sleep and is very safe when done correctly.

It's not a fact!
But do you want to know what is a fact?

In many relationships that end or end up sexless the damage was does during the baby years when the father couldn't be arsed to do any of the parenting and thought it was acceptable to let the mother do all of it and not give her a break. Resentment builds up and the relationship can't be repaired!

Well done for advocating for yourself, OP. Can't believe the blatant sexism in some of the replies. Your husband has been an absolute shit- don't let him get away with it a second longer. Please take care of yourself- your daughter needs you to be physically and emotionally healthy. xxx

I don't know if you've tried this, but at around 5 months, when.my twins were driving me mad with not sleeping in the day, a health visitor suggested putting them down for a nap after breakfast. Well, a late breakfast anyway - I putthem back to bed about 9.30am and they would sleep for about 2-3 hours. They might have a shorter nap in the afternoon if we went out in the car or the buggy, but it meant they were ready for sleep at 7, without being chronically overtired. Saved my sanity. Worth a try?

@ftm03 OMG this update makes me feel so happy for you all.
Honestly though it is hard to ask for help, in reality you shouldn’t have to, but sometimes we need to voice our needs & have them heard!

Take this as a new chapter in your relationship & parenting journey.
Use the job sharing/supporting to find what works for you both so you can find a new family routine.

Having a baby is a MASSIVE lifestyle changing thing that many are overwhelmed by so neither of you should feel embarrassed about struggling to find a balance.

The 1st 3 months of sleep deprivation is a torture many will never experience & you’ve done great getting through those days.

Things should get a bit easier from 6months BUT baby will also have a leap so be prepared for some more sleepless nights on the horizon.

I’m the eldest of 5, i was a nanny to 5 boys - 2 from 1yr old & 3 from birth - for 10yrs & I have also helped raise about 30 kids so the basics were just second nature to me but I still struggled mentally & physically.

My mum literally moved in with me for 2 months after my LG was born.
Sadly I was left a single parent at 12 weeks pregnant the when I went into labour it ended up being a very traumatic birth of 110hrs followed by an emergency c-section & then contracted a massive e-coli infection from someone or something in surgery with me!
Without my mum I wouldn’t have managed & I did consider putting my child up for adoption at 6 weeks as I couldn’t see how I would ever cope.

My LG is 12yrs old in a few weeks time & although I have been left disabled by everything I went through in labour with her she is healthy, happy & we are doing ok.

X Hugs & good luck for the future X

Same here and my DH is far from perfect. There was never any question he wouldn't do nights.
He was fantastic at getting our DC back to sleep as he has bigger arms and chest area to hold the baby. He was really good at doing the transfer back into the cot.
Plus he had more energy as he'd not been pregnant and given birth, I was knackered just from that.

Also the 1950s brigade have probably not taken into account that the OP will be contributing financially to the household from her maternity pay.

You could argue that it's very important that she be well rested and recovered for when she starts back at work.

I am so glad you told his mother exactly how poorly he has been treating you.

How askew his priorities are.

She sounds lovely. Accept any further offers mid week.

I would be mortified to hear either of my sons were so selfish.

It is unbelievable that he would leave you both days of the weekend to play foot.

Unbelievable.

He is some selfish waster.

I can so relate OP. I have a 4 month old and if one more asshole suggests I sleep when the baby sleeps I'm gonna do a damage.

I'm lucky my son is a reasonable night sleeper (though we're in the regression and he's also congested atm so it's not as good as it was). I get his three day naps whilst walking the (very needy, demanding and jealous) dog or whilst driving. I can sometimes get him to nap at home but 70% of the time, that nap is on me so I can't sleep too. My partner works away in the week and sometimes for months at a time. He's military- he planned to leave and then changed his mind whilst on paternity leave. Let's just say I am struggling to process that decision right now. He's also struggled to adjust. He's barely here, although when he does come home he's straight on the washing, getting the kitchen straight, sterilising bottles etc. as that's his way of trying to make up for the lack of support. But he has no experience or confidence with the baby so I do it all. Every. Single. Thing. I've done every night alone since he was 3 days old and only get a break when Granny (MiL) comes to stay. She's 400+ miles away so that's about once every couple of months.

DP is really trying and is making progress with his confidence but lord I'm exhausted. I can't believe the comments here that seem to forget not all babies are the same. They don't all sleep 16 hours a day (mine has never slept more than 12 in 24 hrs). I'm lucky that DS is a pretty good baby, he just doesn't sleep well, and likes a lot of interaction so can only get stuff done in 10 minute increments (5 of which are used on the needy dog!).

You absolutely should be supported by your partner, as you are supporting him. I hope you enjoyed your bath and day to yourself. For me, Granny is going to visit again in November and I'm going to ask her if she can watch him whilst I go to the hairdresser for the first time since May.

I'm glad your DH has seen some sense. It's a difficult time, even with all the joy of a new baby. I managed to cook myself dinner this week instead of just heating up a ready meal. Taken me 4 months to manage that. Baby woke as soon as it was ready of course, but still, he's a happy, healthy and beautiful baby boy. Everything around me feels like a shitshow but frankly as his mummy, I think I'm nailing it and I'm sure you are too.