Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

So many triggered by a simple fact that the parent working full time shouldnt also have to get up and do night feeds. Clearly hit a nerve!

@momonpurpose so do you think a mum on maternity leave has to be 24/7, whereas the man doesn't have to do anything at night.

I hope it's you winding us up.

She asked him ONE time. Fathers can and should get up to do bottles on occasion. It's outrageous to expect new mothers to never be able to get a full sleep for months or years while the father gets a full sleep every night.

Again everyone has an opinion and I won't change mine or inquire about why others have theirs.

Not really, I’m quite relaxed about your little opinions – especially since it’s my full-time working DP’s night with the baby monitor tonight, and he’s got washing to put away. Might put my maternity leave feet up and read a book until far too late tonight, might have a snooze – world’s my oyster innit, especially since I don’t have to get up in the morning. 💅

It's clearly not a "simple fact" when many of us have husbands who love us and their children enough to actually get involved and parent 🤷‍♀️

I'm not triggered. I do think it's sad though that so many women are willing to accept such poor treatment, and model these kind of relationships to their DC who will inevitably go on to accept poor treatment or treat women badly.

I'm triggered by the fact that so many women accept such a low bar for dads, and I assume are bringing up sons to be useless dads too (as they accept dads don't actually have to do any parenting)

But it’s not a fact. At least doing night feeds one or 2 nights a week, when clearly the OP is needing the break before she collapses, is not going to sabotage or badly affect his work. He’s just got to suck it up and start being a proper partner and start being a dad to his kid. He works 8 hours in the day, why is he being so stingy with the remaining 16 hours?

If you aren't interested in why others have the opinions they have, nor ready to explain your reasoning, or answer some questions about your opinion, why are you here?

Difference of opinions can lead to interesting discussion, but it requires the opinions to be based on something, not just a random cries.

If you consider your opinion "a fact", you are even more deluded than your colleagues.

He has a duty to you and baby I got up those the week husband did night feeds at weekends but pulled his weight because I was very ill after giving birth.
His football has to go if he can’t help out He made the choice to have a baby so can’t opt out now.

The woman gets maternity leave because she is the one who has to be pregnant and give birth. Not so she can do everything.

I didn't marry someone and have a baby with someone so I could do everything alone. Especially since if that happens during maternity leave, it can then become difficult because the mum has become the default parent and it can be a difficult habit to break.

My DH didn't think I was entitled at all. It may shock you but some men actually don't need to be told to take shifts with baby during the night, it is just an assumption or something they feel they should do.

It isn't a fact. My husband would also disagree with you.

Nope not at all, my DH was happy to support me by taking pre midnight and post 6am so I could get some sleep. Mine is my partner though and is happy to share the load with me

maybe you should look at why you are triggered by the idea that a partner should if the person they claim to love is on their knees with sleep deprivation sacrifices some their to help.

the OP was clearly at a point of needing help at which point everything should go out of the window and her partner should have stepped up because she was clearly struggling. And it doesn’t matter what anyone else managed to cope with each baby/child and eventually teenage different and when times are tough you need your partner to step up

Except it's not a fact it's an opinion - a dated, misogynistic opinion. What's the actual point of him if he won't parent or husband? If all he's doing is creating more work, stress and resentment for OP she's better off without him.

I feel so much better tonight after DD spent the day with her Nan. She got a new outfit and toy too (one thing I'm super grateful for is loving and involved grandparents on both sides).

I spoke to her about the way DH has been and she said "this is absolutely not on and I will talk to him if that's okay with you?" So I have her support too.

I went and did the food shopping (on my own so I had a wander around and got myself some new pjs) and got home, he had put a load of laundry on and to dry as he came home for lunch today, shocked! Hope it lasts 🤦🏻‍♀️

I sat down and read my book for an hour, had a bubble bath and he is doing the night feed or if she wakes up tonight so I can have a full nights rest.

I needed today. When DD came home, I was so happy to see her and snuggle her.

@ftm03 glad to read your update hopefully it's the new beginning and it's been a wake up call for your DH that he needed!
Well done for addressing it and long may it continue and getting rest can make the world of difference!

Never come across sarcasm before even when it's jumping right in your face?

@ftm03 I'm so glad you've had a better day. Good on MiL and fingers crossed DH keeps it up.

Amazing OP, really pleased to read this update. I am appalled at the number of people saying a working dad shouldn’t have to get up to do a share of the night feeds, what a joke! You are working too, just because it’s ‘not paid’ doesn’t mean anything, it’s still hard work. Unbelievable, so backwards. Very glad your DH has come to some sense. All the best 💐

I'm so glad to read your update OP. Hopefully he's woken up to his behaviour now and you can have more balance.

Agree with and second this in principle,

However based on your update it sounds like the issue isn't you doing night wakings it's the fact he doesn't appear to be doing any parenting.

With both of ours while on mat leave I did all week night wakes. Also did the mornings. Husband used to take over when he got in from work and also muck in with dinner, washing etc.
Weekends we had one night he did the whole night and another where we shared and had a 'lie in' altogether in bed.

I'd say he needs to stop or reduce the football. It's not fair he has so many hobbies etc when you don't have any time to yourself

Glad you're feeling better and have support from grandparents OP. You were not being unreasonable at all - no way should he get to continue his hobbies as usual while you have no free time at all. Hope you enjoy your rest days!

Well done on having that talk with him. Shame you had to cry to get through but great that you feel more rested already. I'm glad the grandparents are getting time with your DD as well (they're probably happy she doesn't nap!)