Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Also, I don't know why so many people comment without reading the post. DD DOES NOT sleep in the day, shell have 20 minutes max, I've tried everything from white noise, pram, cot, our bed, cuddles etc she is just so alert and loves being nosy. She will sleep when I walk the dog, or drive but how am I supposed to "rest" or "nap" when I'm driving or walking????

I absolutely know where you're coming from on this. My DD was an awful sleeper, would never nap during the day, I must have walked miles with her in her pushchair to no avail. The only thing that sent her to sleep was travelling in the car. Many times I sat in the car on the drive with her asleep and me reading a book and having a coffee to get a break before waking her and going inside.

She also slept badly at night, wouldn't go to sleep on her own and would wake up for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. But DH always let me have lie ins at the weekend and did more than his fair share of bathing and getting her to sleep in the evening.

She's now a teenager and loves her sleep.

This is a misrepresentation of what I said and I don't think we disagree as much as you think we do. All I am saying is that, when presented with the challenge of a new arrival, couples have to work as a team and do what is possible.

My ex-wife had very similar ideas about lunch hours and commutes to the ones you do but the lunch hour was a unicorn (at the time I worked for a "get a sandwich and eat it at your desk and feel lucky you have time to do that" type of firm at the time) and the commute was unavoidable.

Looked at as a whole, the couple needs to work out what is actually possible. In my case, we could probably have carried on paying the bills if I had reduced my working days to 3 and moved to a local business if she went part time for 2 days. Domestic work could have been split 50/50. She refused to do this.

Another option was to stop all unnecessary spending until the children were school age so I could work locally. So no holidays, fewer expensive outings, one car instead of two etc just for a few years. She refused to do this too.

The only option left was to carry on getting up at 6am for a 2 hour commute in, normally days of 8-9 hours duration and another 2 hour commute back. Which we did and I was treated like a lazy person who didn't do anything all day by someone who decided she was going to keep a score (albeit utterly clueless to the effort involved in my half of the input).

By all means suggest what other option I had but beyond magicking time out of nowhere, I'm at a loss.

Well done for actually talking to your husband OP. So many people don't and just put up with the fact that the man's life remains utterly unchanged by having children while you tie yourself in knots to do everything.
Yes, one of his 'hobbies' had to go - what hobbies do you have? There should be time for both of you to have an alone-time break at some point in the week. As well as what you correctly pointed out, that if he does nothing for her now, he'll miss it all and miss the chance to establish a real bond. I hope your MIL is supportive and understanding of you.
Good luck OP. I actually thought about this thread all crossly when I got up this morning and hoped you would stand up for yourself.

OP I’m surprised at all the negative comments…me and DH are expecting baby number 3 and with DD and DS even when I was on mat leave he pitched in and helped after he finished work and we alternated night wakes with the kids so both of us got a sleep. Evenings and weekends we split the work between family time and housework etc. I think some people are still in the stone age. Yes your DH is working but looking after a baby and running a house is also full time work, any responsibilities out with “working hours” should be equally shared otherwise how is it going to work when you’re back at work and trying to maintain what you’re currently doing? Ignore the bashing, you are 100% entitled to be feeling the way you’re feeling and hopefully your DH steps up. My DD never slept as well during the day and only had contact naps so no wonder you’re feeling touched out, hopefully you’re able to get a bit of rest the next couple of weeks with the help that’s been planned! It’s tough but don’t forget you’re doing an amazing job.

So many of us forget to think through our budget to take maternity leave while simultaneously affording a nanny, night nurser, dog walker, cleaner, nail appointments and tennis lessons. Must sort that out before my next baby!

Absolutely do not feel bad. I can't believe how many people saying you were in the wrong. Looking after a sick baby is a 24/7 job and the fact you stayed up one extra hour to enjoy a TINY bit of time to yourself is normal. Your partner needs to 100% step up and help out more he gets to go do his football thing and spend time with other grown ups and get his me time when do you get time to do something for you? He's moaning about one night feed and change? Man needs to grow up. He chose to have a baby with all that it intails and 5 months in and only being asked to do one night feed? He doesn't know how lucky he is to have you. Disgraceful all these comments trying to make you feel bad

Well done OP! I hope you've given DH a wake up call and things will change.

It's not like you're asking him to do 100% of everything baby and 100% working. You're asking him to be a partner, a team and a father. I couldn't imagine my DH acting like dealing with my babies was too much like hard work, as what can be better than spending time with kids who love and adore you.

Pretty soon they're teenagers and don't want their parents around anyway. He'll get lots of free time then

One thing I’m wondering about is why your baby doesn’t sleep during the day.

I had a wonderful health visitor who told me that sleep induces sleep so to put my baby down for a sleep morning and afternoon and sure enough it worked , still in bed by 6pm with two sleeps during the day.

I thought she was Mary Poppins with her advice!

I wonder if your baby is just so over tired by keeping them awake all day long.

I hope things settle for you soon.

Oh, a misogynistic slur as well. Lovely.

Aren't you a peach?

By the way, being on maternity leave with a young baby who isn't taking long naps or sleeping through the night yet is more tiring than being at work.

Especially when your "full time job" allows you to be home by 5pm and have plenty of time for hobbies.

Many, many women work full time and do night feeds, for years.

Any poster who uses the term Karen isn’t worth listening to

@Solonge ...............ring, ring...................ring, ring..........the 1950s is calling you!

Please read all of the OPs posts - this isn't just about a one off 4am feed!!

Most women who go on mat leave do the vast majority of housework and childcare that doesn't mean that the father of the DC can just carry on as he did pre-DC. He has to help after work and at weekends so that mum can have some downtime.

Let's please lift women up!

Any poster who uses the term Karen isn’t worth listening to

Yes absolutely.

I disagree with many other commenters, as I think not only should he have done this one feed but should also be sharing all childcare and housework when he isn't at work. What many people don't seem to realise is that you are working every bit as hard as he is during the day, but the difference is that you don't get any evenings or weekends off, and are on call 24 hours a day. I've worked and I've been a stay at home mum and I know that working outside the home is easier and less stressful in the main. There IS more flexibility, which is why I think it could be reasonable to say that the stay at home parent do more of the night stuff, as in theory you can have a sleep during the day if baby does, but if baby doesn't sleep at all in the day then that is simply theory and not reality. Does he not realise that you too are doing an incredibly important and stressful job during the day too or is keeping his child alive and well not important if it doesn't earn money? What are the consequences of him making a mistake due to tiredness that outweigh the possible consequences of making a mistake in keeping your child alive due to tiredness? When does he think you should sleep if you're not getting it overnight and your baby is awake all day? I agree that maybe you need to go to bed earlier (I do appreciate what you say about time awake to yourself but something has to give here) but I think he needs to give up or drastically reduce his football committments on weekends and evenings so you can get some time off and still go to bed a bit earlier. I feel it should be that you do all the childcare during the day and as much housework as you can manage, including maybe preparing dinner, but that as soon as he gets home you should be sharing what needs doing in the evenings and at weekends 50/50. That way you both work a full 8 hour or so day, and then are equally sharing the work for the rest of the time. Maybe you take the nappies and feeds in the first half of the night and he take the second half, or take it in turns. Either way, he's doing a 40 or 50 hour week and you are doing more like a 100 hour week. Everyone needs a bit of time off and if you don't insist on it now you will burn yourself out and resent him massively (I speak from experience) and that would be much worse for him and your marriage than him doing a 4am feed each night and giving up coaching other people's kids when he doesn't look after his own.

Our ds is 11 months old, I'm still off on mat leave. I think it's really about balance here. I hrtft but I take on 100% of parenting and housework while I'm home with baby alone. When dh comes home then we're 50/50 parents/housework team again. I do the vast majority of night wake ups with ds because dh has work the next day, but he does them at the weekend and if something was happening like ds was unwell or going through a period where he really wasn't sleeping much he would do the wake ups at the start of the night and I'd go to bed early so I've a few hours at the start of the night. Then I'll take over from 1 am onwards and if ds naps during the day I do as well. It can't fully be left to you because dh will need to be able to resettle baby etc when you're back to work or have a night out etc.

Dh plays football one night a week and runs a kids club a night a week so our week is pretty similar to yours. At times when things are very full on or I'm really wrecked he would step back from the football for a week to help me out. Maybe your dh needs to reassess his hobbies just for this period while your dd is still so young. Dh cut back from 3 nights football a week to one and gave some of the planning responsibilities for the kids club to other volunteers so he didn't have just as much to do.

I don't think it's realistic to expect you to do everything alone. There's nothing to stop him taking over from you when he gets home to give you a few hours downtime or let you blast some housework or sleep or go out for a bit.

I used to stay up the odd time really really late because I fully understand craving that alone time when you're not responsible for anything and you can turn your brain off. But you're probably better sitting down with your dh and trying to work out how you can plan your week so you can have more time to yourself.

1. Women have maternity leave to recover physically and mentally from having a baby, birth and pregnancy. It's not a holiday, that's why women get mat leave.

1. Parenting is a full time job. 5 month olds don't always sleep during the day- so at what point does the mother sleep in your system?

1. Being co parents is about being a team. At times you need your teammate to help you out so you can catch up. No mother should need to burn herself out or run herself into the ground while a partner stands idly by because he works 9-5.

1. Women standing up for fair division of labour in the home doesn't make them incapable, what a vile thing to say.

The great thing about mumsnet is we can all have our own opinion and voice it! Have a great day boozlebammed!

So he can't help with the washing
He can't help with bath time
He can't help with with the night feeds
But he can absolutely continue his hobbies multiple times a week?
What a lovely chap. OP you've struck gold with this one.
Good with it all luck my dear.

No I absolutely appreciate that. But yours is that the person going to paid work takes priority, no matter what how they're feeling?

This might blow your mind but…..

DH and I made use of shared parental leave, he took over as full time SAHP at 9 months and I went back to work full time. DS was breastfed and a bottle refuser, so as soon as I walked in the door (around 6pm, after a 40min commute) DS was pretty much welded to me. And he fed on and off throughout the night. Every night. For months.

My god I was tired.

But I certainly wasn’t unusual in being a working parent fulfilling a demanding job while also dealing with frequent night waking.

I’ve also had a good number of male colleagues over the years who have also gone through the exact same purgatory of broken sleep while their children were tiny while having to function at work. It’s normal, it’s what parents do!

What isn’t normal is to opt out and unilaterally decide that only mums should ever be woken at night.

OK, you expect woman on mat leave to do everything, no matter what.

As I expressed, I expect partnership - managing scarce resources together, and distributing them fairly and equally.

If you ever find a partner and consider having a child, please be clear about your opinions before ttc. It is deeply unattractive approach, but being unattractive is your right.

Ask him if he can at least do without one of his evenings of football so he can help with the baby. If he's getting to do the activities he wants to do its only fair of him to give up one of those for you to have time for yourself too.

I stand by my opinion and I also respect yours it's as simple as that

i was in a similar position to you. Husband self employed and I was on maternity leave. Our first child constantly woke up - only slept 90 mins max at a time. I was exhausted. I thought it would be fair if I did all nights when he was at work next day but then I should get 1 night free at weekend. It never happened. He was always too tired, had to work etc. but he took every home game match off. He went to work, would leave early and go. I don’t think he thought his life should change. I was devastated at the time but didn’t see the point in arguing and using what little energy I had. So eventually I gave up, he still did what he wanted and I had no say in anything. Lots went on but eventually I left. I think marriages are made and broke when you have a small baby particularly one that doesn’t sleep. You find out if you’re on the same team or if you’re basically on your own x