Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

@BulbasaurBloom @SouthLondonMum22

I don't think it needs to be tit for tat. Why doesn't OP find a nanny? If her DH is saying he's too tired (has she asked?). People break up over silly things like cleaning etc. Find a nanny/ night nurse and/ cleaner then OP suddenly has enough sleep, time to do her nails and also take up a tennis class at the weekend. I think they both need to let steam off somehow.

OR speak to DH he does the childcare she goes to work - as an alternative.

spitefulandbadgrammar · Today 11:09
Plenty of women in poorer countries have their child and are straight back to work with the child.
So we should be lowering the bar and all aiming for this as a standard, or…?

themothergoose · Today 11:35
In poorer countries @spitefulandbadgrammar ? What about the US?
Anyway if I have been out at work for 12 hours I am not coming home to do house work. I will want to shower and eat, maybe spend an hour with the kids before they go to bed. I won't be cleaning or doing any washing, making dinner etc.

That's very good of you to maybe spend an hour with the kids while you wait for your dinner to be served and admire your sparkling clean house and large pile of freshly-laundered clothes... Remind me what century we're in? Remind me how many people it takes to make a baby?

@Daisydoo99 haha don’t worry I won’t! To be fair, the impact of untreated PND which eventually deepened into persistent depressive disorder, has had such an impact on our life and marriage that he now understands completely the reasons why.

It's a false comparison drawing on what's typical for single parents, families in other countries or what happened in bygone eras. What matters is now and the OP's situation.

If we accept the following principles:

1. Men and women are equal.
2. Children are the joint responsibility of both parents.

The only possible outcome is that while having a baby might make both parent's lives harder than it was before baby, the involvement of the other parent will mean that it should be easier than it would be solo and the impact should be roughly the same for both parents. Anything else in unequal and unfair.

This is before we even get into the additional impact on the mother's body in the first few months...

My ex-wife used to think it was some massive privilege that I got to commute for two hours a day and it's the same warped thinking.

Loving the men's contributions to this thread. I wonder why she's now an ex-wife.

Oh @Solonge dads count too you know! They want to be hands on with their babies too.

He's getting his free time, you need to make it clear to him that you need yours too.

Just tell him he needs to be the one getting up through the night on a Saturday, that you'll be having one little lie in a week and then spending some time to yourself for a few hours. It's only fair.

Men in his position really don't get how hard it is being on duty 24-7. Leaving him with the baby for a while will show him!

Things will get much better once the little one is sleeping through.

OP, glad you talked to him and explained exactly how you feel (a bit hmmm about him getting his mum to help but I guess that was before your frank discussion). I would be keeping a very close eye on him because from what you've said he hasn't mentioned cutting back on the football so I'd still be making him step up housework wise and if that means he's knackered, that's up to him. And I repeat, make sure your contraception is rock solid.

Enjoy your rest.

OP is going back to work full time when baby is 10 months, that is 5 months away.

OP doesn't need a nanny or a cleaner, she needs DH to accept some responsibility for the house and the baby in preparation for when she goes back to work so she isn't left working full time and also doing everything around the house and with the baby outside of that because that is exactly what will happen if she doesn't take a stand now.

Getting a nanny or a cleaner does nothing but plaster over the issue and absolve DH of his responsibilities. OP wants DH to spend time with his own child, to throw the occasional wash on after work etc it really isn't difficult and plenty of working parents manage it.

OP has already had several talks with DH. He is full of excuses such as baby is used to OP putting her to bed or calling his own mother for help which is ultimately him just making another woman responsible for his baby.

Sorry to hear this, hope you’re getting support ❤️ x

I see - I guess it depends what works for them as a couple. It doesn't sound like they've thought this through before having the baby.

It also sounds as though he hasn't bonded with the baby at all. When does he spend any time with her?

My DH used to enjoy taking our little ones out on a Saturday morning so I could have my lie-in and cup of tea in peace. He'd go around the park or to the shops and get them a treat.
He also used to like doing the late night feed around midnight before going to bed. Giving baths can be fun as normally the baby enjoys this.

He sounds like an absolutely crap father as well as a totally unsupportive husband.

Is there any reason why your DH can't take the baby to football training? He could put her in a sling or pushchair. She'd probably love being outside with her father.

Be as embarrassed as you wish.

The mat leave in majority of the countries isn't long enough to last until the children sleep all night every night, so people do work while attending their children at night. It's a reality. And even out of work, people make important decisions, like when driving.

Yes, the life conditions of women in poorer countries are often awful, glad we agree at something. How is it relevant here?

There are different ways how to do the split, some will work better with a specific work, so he can be doing more on the weekend nights, covering some agreed time slot (typically evening or early morning).

From my point of view both adults should be partners within the family. It means having equal access to scarce resources, be it money, time for themselves, or sleep. That's fair.
Only a very selfish men would want to take more of them than his wife.

What hasn't OP thought through? It's her DH that hasn't, it's like he didn't expect his life to change at all. It sounds like he barely even sees the baby at the weekend because he's too busy prioritising other children with football coaching.

I won't be cleaning or doing any washing

Here's a wee secret - washing clothes is not actually hard work. It's a terrible pain in the arse when you have tons of other things to do (just pulling a 'for instance' out of the air, say, looking after a baby), but the advent of machines that do the washing for you mean that much of the labour is taken care of. Come in, stick a load on, hang it up - bingo.

I honestly can't read anymore bashing Mum's for needing help from their partner. If I were a single parent, I'd have no choice but to get on with it and hats off to all of those single parents, I have a Husband who also wanted our DD.

I actually forgot to say that I do kind of help him out with work, I reply to business emails and submit his receipts to the accountants each month so yes I do help him with his work.

Regarding putting baby in a bigger nappy, I've already done that and I've tried 4 brands at night to see which last longest.

We don't have the money for a cleaner/dog walker/nanny, we have to pay for nursery a couple of days a week when neither parents can help us whilst I'm at work so money is being saved for this for 5 months time.

He knows he cannot carry on the football next season, I've made this clear. I know it's a hobby and something he enjoys but I used to enjoy going to dinner a couple of times a month with friends, I can't do this now. I've been once since my DD was born to dinner and the next one is planned for December.

Also, I don't know why so many people comment without reading the post. DD DOES NOT sleep in the day, shell have 20 minutes max, I've tried everything from white noise, pram, cot, our bed, cuddles etc she is just so alert and loves being nosy. She will sleep when I walk the dog, or drive but how am I supposed to "rest" or "nap" when I'm driving or walking????

@ftm03 You're not wrong.

It's a positive if he has understood that he cannot do football next season but the end of the football season is still some way away.

Is there no one else who can take on some of his current responsibilities? He really should have said he couldn't do it this season because he has a young baby and his own family has to come first.

Of course it's not unreasonable to expect your baby's father to pull his weight. Just because some women on Mumsnet run themselves ragged doing everything at home while their husbands enjoy their hobbies and have time to relax doesn't mean you should accept this from your husband. As you say, it takes two people to make a baby and your daughter wasn't exactly an accident.

The good thing is that in a few months' time this will be the nursery's problem.

And in my experience the short naps stage is over quite quickly. Most young kids eventually settle into a rhythm where they just have one big nap after lunch.

@ftm03 I completely get it DS2 was exactly the same with naps 30 mins max only whilst on the move and it's exhausting! He was the same til around 9 months then he started to nap in his cot so keep trying DD every couple of weeks - she might do it when she starts nursery etc. I don't think til you have had a baby with it you fully get it there is zero downtime and whilst I did what I could wearing a sling around the house it just wasn't possible and it's knackering!

I'm glad you have had a very open and Frank discussion and it's important foe your mental health to have breaks away. Hopefully this will be the start of a new beginning.

OP, there is a cohort on MN that feel women should never expect anything from a partner.

Pay them no heed.

He's a selfish arse and you deserve so much better.

Tell family and friends the truth, do not protect his shocking behaviour.

It is a shockingly long day with a baby that doesn't nap.

20 minutes is NOT napping.

No wonder you are shattered.

Tell everyone the truth so you can be fully supported.

If my husband had behaved like yours I wouldn't have dreamed of having another, not a chance.

His spoken commitment to his football and coaching, not wanting to let them down ahead of you and his baby, is a appalling.

Could his priorities be more askew?

He is a selfish disgrace and don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise.

Ooft, I felt outraged when I read that actually you do help him with his work by doing some of the accounts admin and replying to emails. WOW. The cheek, nerve and obliviousness of this man!!!!!

🤣 So if money became tight and you didn't have mummy/butler/house slave to clean up after you and feed you you would literally sit in a pile of excrement until you starve to death?

I actually forgot to say that I do kind of help him out with work, I reply to business emails and submit his receipts to the accountants each month so yes I do help him with his work.

You need to stop doing that immediately.

I can't believe some of the comments here. Just because she's on maternity leave doesn't mean 100% of the night wakings (AND housework!) should fall to her?

I definitely did more of the wakings while I was off, but if there were multiple wakes in one night you bet my husband was up. He wanted to be. He recognised that I was even more exhausted at the end of the day home with baby than he was at work!

We took turns putting baby to bed every second night. We took turns with the early evening wakings when we were watching tv etc. He'd do the 11/12 feed while I slept and then I'd do the rest. On weekends we each had a night off (again if multiple wakes or a particularly bad nights sleep we'd still tag in) and we each got a decent lie in.

I did what housework I could during the day. The rest was split when we were both home.

Some of these comments are insane 🤣 some men still living the 1950s life it seems!