Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

@ftm03 I am glad you were really clear with your DH about how things and what will happen if he doesn't stand being present. Great you are getting additional help too. I really hope things will get better for you from now on.
Regarding bath or bedtime, I did them all for my DD for 17 months and there was no issue when my mum started doing them (while we were visiting them) so your DH should be able to do them so just make him start. When you are alone having me time really do all those things you enjoy doing and have rest and I am sure you will feel much better. And I really recommend going to bed early when your DD goes as it made a massive difference to my energy levels at the time. Good luck with everything and enjoy the journey as soon you have a toddler running around everywhere.

Maternity leave is leave from a job. My job, for instance, is 8.30 to 5.30. So that’s my maternity leave hours. It’s there so I can recover from pregnancy – an endurance feat of HG, long covid and PGP, from childbirth – labour and an EMCS with my first was a doozy, and care for my child during the hours of 8.30 to 5.30 when I’d otherwise be at work. Outside of those hours, I’m not “on maternity leave”, I’m just parenting, alongside my DP. Maternity leave is leave for me and my baby, not special dispensation to prevent my DP lifting a finger.

What are these daytime snoozes and sleep throughs you’re talking about? The OP certainly isn’t getting those, and I’m not – by the time most babies are in a solid routine and cot napping, they’re also weaning and down to 2 naps and a catnap, which basically is enough time to clear up the high chair blast zone and wash all the nappies or make bottles or tackle the washing up/laundry mountain/prep dinner/whatever.

You’re right that sleep deprivation causes accidents: like dropping the baby, scalding the baby, forgetting to strap the baby in its high chair, pushchair, car seat, leaving the baby in the car (or the pub, if you’re David Cameron), making up the formula wrong, forgetting a breastfeed, a dozen more things besides.

What do you think single parent pilots, train drivers and doctors do when they go back to work and the baby isn’t sleeping yet? What do you think they do if they’re not single parents? What if a train driver is married to a pilot! Quite the transportation family! Maybe they take it in turns to drive or fly into things?

Exactly.

I went back to work at 12 weeks and somehow managed to make decisions. It's amazing.

My husband and I have two under three and we both work full time and are both regularly woken up several times a night by one or the other of the kids.

The younger is still breastfeeding through the night.

I drive to work.

This is what coffee is for.

No, we're not performing open heart surgery. But I have it on good authority that people who perform open heart surgery are frequently very tired too. Certainly more tired than the OP's husband who apparently gets back from his full time day job at 5pm. It's doesn't seem as though his daily routine is particularly strenuous.

To be fair, DS is generally a good sleeper unless he is poorly or teething and he hasn't had bottles in the night for a long time.

But when he's poorly, we both take responsibility/turns and it wouldn't matter if I was or wasn't on maternity leave.

Sometimes as a parent, you're tired at work. That's just life.

Plenty of women in poorer countries have their child and are straight back to work with the child.
So we should be lowering the bar and all aiming for this as a standard, or…?

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all OP. Asking for occasional help in the night when you're knackered (bearing in mind you have the whole day with the baby too - just as taxing as a day in the office!) is completely fair. Having a baby is hard work for both parents, even the one who has to go to work. They say a change is as good as a break, and if you're 'on' the whole day and night then you're never getting a break at all. Completely understand the hour you take at night for 'me' time. I think you need a chat with DH when you're both feeling calm and you can explain what support you need (and under what circumstances) without it being a surprise to him at 4am.

... the MRAs or feMRAs are reaching plague proportions on this thread.

Absolutely - I mean can't possibly expect the big man to inconvenience himself by taking a bit of responsibility for his own child. Om forbid! At least this poor drone has a couple of other worker bees to pick up his slack so he can continue to play the big family man with all his football chums.

I don't think there can be too many differing opinions about the necessity for sleep!

Expecting your husband who hasn't seen his baby all day to spend time with them, feed them, put them to bed etc isn't lazy.

It also isn't lazy having done the majority of the housework for the husband to then get home and throw something in the wash or put some clothes away.

It's his baby and his house too.

I suspect Solonge is kicking off because she has just discovered that some women have husbands who are capable of sticking some clothes in the washing machine or even doing the occasional night feed despite having a full time job whereas she managed with zero help and probably still does.

A bit like discovering that you get paid less than someone doing the same job because they negotiated their salary and you didn't.

I also agree with this. If his job is demanding and you aren't working. Presumably OP can rest when the baby rests? Unless she also wants to go back to work full or part time - maybe a nanny or nursery.

And the husband is not lazy I suppose because he contributes less to the home than when he lived on his own as a bachelor!

Many people (usually women) are paid to look after children under three. They are called nannies and nursery nurses. But as soon as the setting is transferred to your own home you are lazy because you are “only” looking after your own dc so it doesn’t count?

In poorer countries @spitefulandbadgrammar ? What about the US?
Anyway if I have been out at work for 12 hours I am not coming home to do house work. I will want to shower and eat, maybe spend an hour with the kids before they go to bed. I won't be cleaning or doing any washing, making dinner etc.

hes still not got a long term plan though has he

taking one day off and getting his mum to help today isnt going to be a long term solution

It says right there in the OP that baby is a poor sleeper during the day and even worse right now because she has been poorly.

OP is on maternity leave, she will be going back to work. Baby is 5 months old.

The amount of bollocks on this thread is incredible. There is absolutely no way that all night fees should be on you just because your husband has a job outside of the home. Cannot imagine how absolutely exhausted you must be, please don't second guess yourself, your husband is being a selfish prick

Some of these comments are a little harsh.

All I will say; is this time and moments are temporary. The tiredness will pass. The baby will sleep through eventually.

I was in the exact situation with my husband when our baby was small. It does all calm down and there is a light at the end of the tunnel

But definitely try to sleep earlier where you can. You'll have all the you time you need very soon.

Thank you. The baby must sleep at some point - surely isn't awake 24 hours a day even she/he's a poor sleeper?
I admit it's been long since I did this however I would sleep when the baby sleeps. Or get outside help ASAP if the husband is also too exhausted

I imagine she probably sleeps on OP which means she isn't able to safely go to sleep herself and/or baby doesn't sleep for very long which still leaves OP feeling exhausted.

Her husband isn't too exhausted to play football twice a week or leave OP with baby (and no lie ins) at the weekend to coach a kids football team.

Yeah the husband is probably exhausted playing football a few nights a week, and that weekend of sports coaching 🤣🤣🤣

Oh I bet he wants another! Zero impact on him and his life/body/MH. Don’t give in x

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Maternity leave is not so the new mum can work 24/7 for however many months while shielding the other half of the baby-making process from any inconvenience. Perhaps you might want to reconsider your ill-judged rant?