Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

The issue with this is that his knee jerk reaction to being given an ultimatum on his selfish behaviour is to call another woman to pick up some of the load.

This!

So, HE isn’t going to do anything different at all??

If he went to bed at 10pm then he'd have had six hours sleep already by 4am. I probably exist on less than that all the time. If I'd had six hours sleep when I was a new mum I'd have felt in heaven! Plus he could probably go back to sleep for a couple of hours when he had sorted out the baby.

Depressing how many women prioritise the man in these threads as if him working means the wife has to be on call 24/7 while he leads his everyday life completely unimpinged. Plenty of men manage to hold down jobs and do the odd night time stint. She's not asking him to do every night, just the odd one to give her a break, like he gets a break with all of his activities. Sleep experts tend to stress that you can manage an occasional night with broken sleep but the cumulative effect of continually broken nights is horrendous for your health and wellbeing.

Exactly this! Poor diddums man has to work for 8 hours a day and can’t possibly look after his own child outside of work. Meanwhile the mother is working 24/7! Yes he has to be ‘on the ball’ at work but the mother also has to be on the ball looking after a 5 month old; has everyone forgotten how mentally exhausting that is?! It is super easy and common for a new mum to fall in depression; an exhausted, stressed, depressed mum is no good for the rest of the family!

I can’t believe some of the outdated replies on here! Unbelievable!

so yes absolutely he should be doing far more for you and your child. Disgraceful that he’s in a mood wirh u for asking him to do one 4am wake up. These kind of men will never change if we allow them to keep behaving this way and life will be very miserable for you

And make a clear statement about football being his priority

take the help get rested then revisit

and make sure he does tidy up after himself

I don't find the "stepford" replies at all surprising, just depressing. Every time someone tells me "but women have equality now" or "its gone too far" I just want to point them at any of the gazillion threads on MN with posters self describing as women hectoring another woman for not gleefully taking on the double load whilst matey boy continues his life untroubled.

The patriarchy did a damned good job on divide and rule.

Ok, a chance that he listens now.
Accept his mum's help and his Friday as part of the emergency solution.

The important part will be, how to make sure it won't continue the same.
You both need some sleep and some time off/hobbies. What does he suggest?
You(=he) need to be ready for when you will be back at work, which part does he want to learn first?

I wouldn't go directly against the football, I would be asking for your downtime and sleep.

Is there something regular outside home you would like to pick up? Club, learning, volunteering, whatever? Just to make sure that the "you do things" is established

This has to be trolling - if not your medal for services to the patriarchy is here 🎀

The point is women get mat leave for a reason. So they are not making decision's at work that will be poor choices due to sleep deprivation! If men got same leave then great, share the sleepless nights. Is the mum helping the husband with his work?

A lot of women just expect the moon and stars to be orbiting around them because they gave birth! Plenty of women in poorer countries have their child and are straight back to work with the child. I read constant threads about a new mum giving rules for visiting family….wtaf??.

Here its as if women who have kids are given special status to do sod all and men are expected to work full time, do the housework, cook and share sleepless nights. I would have been embarrassed to be that needy!

Have you actually asked him why looking after and coaching other people’s children is more important than caring for and bonding with his own child and supporting his wife?

I think you should ask him to either forego his own football playing or step back from the voluntary coaching for a while. Personally I think he perhaps should carry on with the actual playing to get some exercise and give up the coaching. But I would ask him to forego one activity. If he declines both options then you have your answer.

His tears and words are cheap unless he backs it up with actions. And just calling his mother up to bail him out of his responsibilities isn’t support it’s just passing the buck to another woman.

very few jobs don’t have rest breaks.

yes there are some exceptions but I assume you go into that being aware. Plus most doctors would be aware of the real dangers of sleep deprivation whilst looking after a young baby. Feeling tired sitting in an office no danger. Falling asleep on the sofa looking after a newborn huge danger.

mat leave is to look after a baby during the work day not become a skivvy

plus the real issue here isn’t him working. It is him continuing his football and hobby commitments and refusing to do even basic tidying

As others have said, it's the football. He needs to give it up for now- no other option. You're a mug if you don't insist on that. My DH used to be in a Rugby team. Gave it up when we got serious because he wanted to spend all weekend with me... let alone once we had kids! It's fine to have a hobby, but not one that becomes basically like a job.

I know I don’t know you, OP, but I feel really proud of you for laying it out so honestly to him like that. He needed to hear it.

This is his chance to make some changes - and I understand that at short notice he’s had to outsource that help for the next couple of days - but I really hope he’ll step up himself after this.

At least now you know you’ve done all you could. I hope so much for you that his is the wake up call he needed.

The comments in here are WILD. How do you justify that because he works (probably 8 hour days), this poor woman should be responsible for all childcare, housework, dog care, admin etc 24 hours a day and sacrifice her basic needs for things like rest while he’s spending a ridiculous amount of time resting and on hobbies.
I hope none of these people commenting in that way have children because if this is what they are teaching daughters about how to be a woman in a modern world they’re setting their daughters up for a miserable life, and if this is what they are teaching their sons about what it is to be a partner and father there is going to be even more miserable women and some very fucked up children.

Op there's nobody right and nobody wrong here, every couple goes through this-he sees it as being 'all'(I don't mean it as it sounds) you haev to do while he has to go out to work. We had these clashes during maternity too, he'd get home and I'd hand over the baby and say 'I need a break' and he'd put him down and say 'I need a few minutes' and you both do!!! Both jobs are knackering especially if he has a big project. Weekends need to be figured out though, you shouldn't ahve to be 'on' 7 days and nights a week!

I am glad he listened to you although its a shame it took a breakdown before he took you seriously.

He does need to do more, and it was clear that he wasn't adapting well, so now he has said that, he needs to assess his life and work out what to do. It's all very well saying, but I play football, but I coach football. A lot of people have to give stuff up when the baby comes along.

Thankfully my DH strongly disagrees with you. He wouldn't dream of leaving me to the night feeds alone but then it's also a reason why we decided to formula feed, he actually wanted to be involved and share the feeds. Not look for any excuse to avoid it.

He also most definitely gets rest breaks at work.

I get maternity leave because I'm the one who went through pregnancy and birth and needed some time to recover. That doesn't make me a full time maid and it certainly doesn't mean that OUR baby is only my responsibility.

My brother and his wife split the nights, my SIL used to go to bed when the baby was put in cot, my brother would wake baby at 11 when he went to bed, feed and change them and then go to bed himself…. So then SIL did the next feed, this meant she had a solid block of sleep and wasn’t shattered all day… my brother slept from 11 till he got up, so also had a solid block of sleep.
I have no idea why your husband can’t do a happy change at 10pm when he goes up rather than leaving you to have to do it before bed…
I would go to bed as soon as baby does (even if only every other night… tell him to change baby when he comes up to allow you to sleep… that doesn’t affect his sleep but allows you a decent block of sleep…. He should be helping! He’s going to have to help when you go back to work full time…. Will he suddenly not be tired then? Or will he expect you to work full time and still do 100% of the house work and childcare?
And yes men should give up hobbies to help their wives…. My dad gave up fishing when we were all small, they had 4 children and when he wasn’t at work he helped …
My husband didn’t help.. and I’m happily single now ! And intend to stay single!

Keep pondering that embarrassment- there are no prizes for being a martyr and skivvy. Now, that’s embarrassing.😂

also: defending this fucking loser who puts kiddy football coaching over his own family- that’s also embarrassing. Outsourcing childcare to your MUM instead of cutting back on the kiddy football coaching- very fucking embarrassing!

I swear some posters hate anyone who takes a long mat leave or has a career break to be a SAHM SO MUCH that they actively want their husbands to treat them like absolute shite for daring to be economically inactive for a bit.

my husband put on a load of washing, did a night wake up, put the baby in the bath and would share the cooking AND still brought home the 100k+ mythical mumsnet bacon

…and still does, because I’m a SAHM

The baby is my job between 8-6ish and I try and get as much housework done as I can so we can relax. Everything outside that is shared relatively fairly.

Not working doesn’t mean EVERYTHING domestic falls to you, 24 hours a day.

Uh no, not everyone does. My husband just pitched in and did his fair share. We didn't clash about it. We were (and still are) a team in how we operate to look after our son.

But then, we are also 'that' couple who does everything together. Our once a week out of the house hobby is a shared one and our separate hobbies (painting and sewing) are done in the living room so we can still chat to each other 😂

This is one of those threads where I really hope the Mail picks it up. Maybe some of you Stepford Wives will actually feel some shame seeing this in print for millions to read. Shame on you.

Uh no, not everyone does. My husband just pitched in and did his fair share. We didn't clash about it. We were (and still are) a team in how we operate to look after our son.

But then, we are also 'that' couple who does everything together. Our once a week hobby is a shared one and our separate hobbies (painting and sewing) are done in the living room so we can still chat to each other 😂
Ah okay, when we were going through it everyone I knew was saying it was the same for them. They may just have been trying to shut me up. The hobby thing sounds lovely:)

@stayathomer It could well be true for lots of people still :) And yes, I do enjoy our hobby evenings after the boy is in bed! Christmas decorations is the next thing on the list for me to make.

Surely, this must be a joke post?! Do you have children?

That's not why women get mat leave, genius 😅