Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

When I asked about him doing bath and bedtime a couple of nights a week his reply was "she's in her routine now with you". He can't opt out of football commitments as he's in a team and runs a kids football team so that's a no go

Sounds like his commitments to football including the (unpaid) commitment to other peoples children with regards to the kids team are factoring ahead of his commitments to his child and wife.

Good for you OP. Hope things get better for you from here on.

I’m you but with a 10 month old. I wish I’d said something sooner but I also had a breakdown last week and said I will divorce if it means I am free from being the person who is expected to do everything, all the time. It won’t get better when you return to work if you don’t make changes now, but it does hurt that someone you love can just so easily leave you to struggle.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. X

You need to get better/bigger nappies. Your baby shouldn’t be wet through in such a short time overnight. My 4mo nappies last 12 hours overnight. I can highly recommend Rascal and Friends.
Could you come to some sort of arrangement with DP eg he does any wake ups from bedtime til say 1am and you do any afterwards? Or whatever works for you both.
I know how hard it is, I’m on my second, my first was up every couple of hours. It’s tough, but it doesn’t last forever. You’ll get through it. I’d also recommend trying to find a way your baby will nap through the day so you can get a break… pram, car (then sit in the driveway and relax)

Op - well done for telling him exactly how you feel and for arranging support from your dad and stepmother, but have I understood correctly that he is considering rearranging (one day's) work but won't consider rearranging football?

I don't think people need to give all hobbies completely when they have children but it's very hard to continue full on with a hobby when you have a newborn. The priorities in his life atm should be you and the baby - if he can't see or accept this then I don't know what you can do!

Also, it looks like it's his mum who's going to be putting herself out to help you rather than him?!

He has to limit his hobbies. Not pass baby onto his mum 😒

Well done OP, you played a blinder there! I believe things will work out brilliantly for you 😊

Well done OP for spelling it out.

How a man behaves towards a woman at the beginning of motherhood is never forgotten.

Those that let you down and put themselves first, at such a vulnerable time are very often never fully forgiven.

You learn they are neither to be trusted nor relied upon.

That kills love, affection and particularly desire IMO.

What you asked for in your exhaustion was so little, yet he said No.

That you would be having to walk the dog with a sick baby is absolutely shocking and that one feed was refused is truly dreadful.

He has back tracked because you have pushed back so hard.

His tears are for himself because you have spelt out what a lazy selfish disgrace he is.

I am so glad that you are going to be supported by family.

Action not words are what counts here.

Continue to cease doing anything that benefits him and focus on minding yourself, that is what is best for your daughter long term.

I sincerely hope things can be salvaged here, but that is 100% on him.

If you were my daughter I would be advising you to mind yourself and your daughter first hoping for the best but preparing yourself that he may not be a long term bet.

How he behaves going forward with tell a lot.

Either way I would be wary of having more children with him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I hate this idea shared by some that because you are on mat leave every element of childcare and night duties falls to you. Prolonged sleep deprivation is horrible and takes a toll on your health and wellbeing and can effect your relationship. I don't think it's asking for the world for your husband to see to some of the night wakings.
All I can say is it will get better OP and hopefully in the meantime the (un)balance can shift a bit.

Don’t try and limit his free time or activities. Concentrate on getting the exactly the same free time to spend doing what you wish to do. Preferably out of the house so you get a complete break. (Go to a friends and just chill). If you stay in the house, then you are not to be disturbed. It’s your turn for down time with no responsibilities.

He can’t possibly argue with that. If he does then question your marriage.

Very wise.

You aren't being unreasonable.
You went into this together and he needs to accept that you are doing the lionshare.
Earning a wage isn't the only kind of work.
You're doing everything plus the childcare. So at the very least he needs to add some more to his plate. Whether that's house work or bed times or whatever else needs doing to make your home and life run smoothly.

Early parenthood is unfortunately ladened with these learning curves. We do end up snapping at each other at 4am

You need to come back around on this again and say I've realised I'm drained. And I need help to get back some me time and some rest.
How are we going to do it?

Unfortunately he cannot have a nice hobby of spending the weekend looking after other people's kids and ignore his own at 4am.

There are millions of resources online on how to best have these conversations and how primary care giving is really not something that you just do as a default on top of everything else.
Read up and educate yourself on the validity of what you are feeling but also how to make this a productive thing for you, your partner and your life together as parents.
It takes compromise and understanding but to everyone saying if you don't earn a wage you are a dogsbody and nursery nurse, p!ss off. We aren't chained to the kitchen sink. Op dh had a child as well. Not just op. And that comes with more responsibility than earning a wage. He was doing that already before baby came along so where's the increase in his load if that's all he's doing?

The basic respect of wanting to help your partner is missing here regardless of what else he does. He needs a reality check and if your job is spending day with baby then the rest of the work needs to be shared.
Imagine telling him no you can't go out alone all weekend, you must take baby with you. If the answer isn't that's fine darling have a lovely time then you know he's got some work to do

This!

These times really show what type of person someone is. A test of character which reflects reliability and unity

Are you going to want to shag and cook tea for a 1950’s style husband? It’s a big turn off. He’s living in la la land

Well done for laying it out straight. Time will tell

Football HAS to go. Where’s your weekend of hobbies then!? My BIL played cricket but stopped towards the end of SIL’s pregnancy so he was more of a support and hasn’t gone back yet ( My Niece is now 2) because it takes up so much time and weekends are the only real time he has with my SIL and niece. He is supportive and respects the hard work / bonding time needed for his young family.

Give him a month. If nothing changes, leave. Resentment leads to separation in the end

Attenborough voice "And here we behold the MRA, an invasive species in a women's forum."

Pre arrange the nights and times where your DH will be the one to answer to the child at night.
There might be two nights where it suits his work better.
Also you should go to sleep every night early. Why stay up until 11 o'clock exhausting yourself?
There might be a morning - even on a game day - where your husband will get the baby up and let you sleep.

Could you plan these types of routines?
It makes a huge difference when the child sleeps through and that time will come.

Ok so football has to give I am afraid. During the week you should be getting up as the SAHP however he needs to step up at the weekends so you can catch up for the coming week so priorities need to change. I hear what you are saying about getting some me time but surely if baby is asleep at 6am and husband is out playing football you have alone time then so perhaps earlier to sleep in the week would also help you.

I can’t believe some of these comments. If you’re tired and you make mistakes while looking after a small baby, it could be dangerous. One wake up at 4am every now and then is not going to kill him. If you can function and do all that work on a few hours sleep, so can he on a few hours more.

and the audacity for him to say he needs to sleep , yet he gets to go and do his sports/ hobbies etc and you don’t get a break or help! You need to lay some boundaries and ground rules now while your kid is small.

you are on MAT leave. This time is for bonding with your baby and recovering from growing and birthing a baby. Spend more time doing this and less time doing his share of the housework. Any housework left / parenting that needs to be done outside the time that he is at work should be split 50/50.

and on top of that, you should be aiming for equal rest. If he gets sat to do his sports and evenings, then you should also get time to do what makes you happy- fill your cup too, or you’ll end up feeling resentful. When you get your time to yourself which you say is ‘bliss’ then you’ll also not feel like you need to stay up late to get some alone time.

to Sum up, husband needs to step up and you need to set some boundaries

You both work all day, it’s not right that one person gets the good sleep and one gets the bad sleep. You need to be supporting each other. It sounds like you literally had no gas in your tank and he did, but he didn’t want to be tired for work. The best way to get through this is by sharing the work but also each of you should recognize when the other is at their limit and step up to fill the gap.

*How a man behaves towards a woman at the beginning of motherhood is never forgotten.

Those that let you down and put themselves first, at such a vulnerable time are very often never fully forgiven.*

god so true: my husband refused to come home
earlier than 1900 when we had a tiny baby. I was on my fucking knees with the witching hour and so on every single night. No family support. Ended up with PND - of course.

He would have liked another kid but I will never forget those days and don’t want any more.

You think his attitude is going to change then?

Get real!!

If he's not being a father now, he won't be then.

YANBU to expect him to do his fair share. He’s taking advantage and letting you do everything. I get his job is important but so is your sanity. If you don’t stamp it out now this will be your life. You will end up resenting him and that’s hard to claw back from.

But YABU to hold something he said at 4am against him. Let that go but have a conversation with him that it can’t happen again. Set boundaries now and be firm with them.

YANBU he should be helping at night even if he's working. You both have responsibilities the following day that you need to be reasonably rested for. Caring for a small baby is a huge responsibility and to me was much harder than working a job.

Just read this sorry....I hope it works out for you OP and this sticks. I'm sorry it got to this stage but I'm glad you're taking your own wellbeing seriously x x x x and congrats on your baby as well x

Well done OP. Hopefully the message got through. Enjoy your downtime.

Mat leave or not if baby isn't sleeping it shouldn't just be you. My first slept well and I did 100 housework, child and worked PT but second didn't and I needed help at night, with the house and I didn't work. Think of it like major overtime, if partner was working 80 hours a week you would help if you could.
Here dad hated early mornings so I would have woken him to settle her while I sorted wee etc then I would have slept and I would have taken 4am as that worked for us but not unreasonable to ask him at 4 especially as you did the rest if the nught. Basically we had agreement if I needed him he would do until midnight or something as he is a night owl and I'm an early bird so he struggled with early am way more than me.

The issue with this is that his knee jerk reaction to being given an ultimatum on his selfish behaviour is to call another woman to pick up some of the load.

He knew for many months a baby was coming, he has presumably known since you got the positive test result. He has had lots of time to rearrange his commitments to other peoples' DCs and to share the "me time" with you and his own child but has done none of this.

Until his takes seriously that he is now a father and needs to share the parenting of his own child consistently nothing will change. His mum and your family will pick up some slack but you will continue to be left with the weight of all the extra work.

Its also irrelevant here whether you are both full time, both part time, one is a SAHP - between the two of you the available leisure time should be shared just like all the other family resources. Its a partnership - or it should be. One partner taking all the good stuff and grabbing the free time at the expense of the other is not an equal relationship.