Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

She doesn’t wake him every day at 4am. She did it once because she was having a bad time. It’s okay for dads to be tired to help their wife and partner out sometimes.

Also wtf does he think will happen when you do go back to work? Oh yes that's it, you'll still have to do everything, on top of the job because "the baby only wants you" 🙄

YANBU. Why should a stay at home mom's work be 24/7 but a father can clock in and out? A worn out mother cannot do her job 100% either. The solution some people are suggesting is that she not take any time for herself for anything she enjoys. Asking her huband to help too is perfectly fine. A lot of misogynistic replies here.

I actually think the vast majority of posters who have read all of OP's updates are fully on her side.

There are 2 parts that really really anger me about her DH:

1. He is just living his life as if nothing has happened and not willing to make any adjustments. He doesn't even want to do the laundry FFS
2. He is spending more quality time with his mates and other people's DC than his own family.

I am really hoping someone can point this out to him. Probably would have more impact if it came from a family member or a friend

I really REALLY don’t think you are being unreasonable! If you said you expected your partner to wake up at 4am everyday - then he’d have a point.
But you were struggling. Who is there to help you when you’re struggling? He can be tired for a day to help you.
When you talk to him ask him - what should I do when I’m at my wits end? Can you help me?

You definitely need a break! It's such hard work being at home all day with no break and baby being ill too. Over the years I've heard of so many dads who seem to do this. We have always shared the load even when my husband was working. I'm sure sometimes I did extra as I was breastfeeding etc but I always knew I didn't have to if I couldn't. We have a 9 month old now and we will still share and it's me who has gone back to work this time. My husband has said he definitely thinks it's harder being at home then at work and we both work as teachers so not easy jobs either. I think he needs to experience doing a long stint with baby and seeing how exhausting it is to appreciate your side more. I'm sure he works hard for you all too but he needs to be there for you both and for his relationship with your child too.

I do remember having a chat with my BIL, who was a bit work obsessed and had 2DC at that point, that going to work was way easier than childcare.

How once a worker left the house you were in charge of your own day, had a team to help you deliver projects, had chats with other adults, you didn't have to work around naps to get things done etc.

It was if he had a lightbulb moment. He told me he hadn't had this pointed out to him before. I told him he needed to support his wife more

Thanks everyone.

When I got out of the bath, I had a full on crying breakdown. I sat on the sofa and literally felt heartbroken that the man I married is offering no support in raising our child and in turn, allowing me some rest. I feel broken and he now knows it.

I told him that I'm going to stay with my Dad and Stepmum's as well next week, that they will have DD for the night so that I can rest and he said that he's embarrassed and ashamed and that he's struggling with adjusting to family life but that he wanted this and he loves me and DD more than anything.

He called his Mum whilst I was in the bath, I didn't know, and asked if she would like to have DD for the day today as he can't get out of work commitment and I'm tired. So DD grandmother is going to spend the day with her today and he is going to tell his customer that he needs to rearrange Friday so he can take a day off before football commitments on the weekend.

I was straight up and told him that I won't hesitate to leave if it means not having to cook, clean and pick up his mess as an additional person to look after when I'm swamped and I really meant it. I told him that I resent him and that I feel like I love him a little less every single time I'm on my own at the weekend, every single time I do another load of washing, every single time I walk the dog in the rain with a baby who's not well right now.

I think I finally got through. I've got help today, Friday and help next weekend at the very least so feel I can breathe a bit better right now.

I love DD so very much and I can't imagine being away from her for hours and not wanting to even do a bath time with her a couple of nights a week, bedtime where we cuddle and bond more and I read a story. I told him that within the blink of an eye she's going to be 6 and not know him at all.

He was tearful and apologised.

I hope things now change.

his answer was "you want me to get in at 5, put laundry on and wait an hour for it to finish, hang it up at night" as if that makes a difference what time it's put on the airer (no garden and no tumble dryer). He said "there's not a lot to putting on a wash when you're home with her".

So it's way too much work for him to put a load on when he gets home, but not a job at all for you to do the same thing?

Lazy, entitled oxygen thief.

I really hope this works for you. I think you've done the right thing telling him straight. And I agree it feels exactly like you love them a bit less every time you feel taken for granted. Many women just put up with it silently though and fall out of love, then the husband is shocked and upset when they want to leave.

@ftm03 I am so pleased you have had this talk with him.

I hope he truly understands the gravity of the situation and his ineptitude.

I really hope he listens and changes, particularly on helping you more and giving up some of his football stuff

One nighttime bottle is not unreasonable at all! I took short mat leaves with my babies as I am the higher earner and I did all night wakings because breastfed/coslept and I still managed to perform at my stressful job…

no he can’t opt out. It’s a marathon of sleep deprivation and everyone has to help out. He’ll survive (recommend placebo sleep and caffeine!)

Good on you OP. He deserved to get it both barrels. I hope that you see real and lasting change

YANBU You only asked him once in a moment of desperation and he wouldn’t help you ☹️ You aren’t asking him to be up every night! He needs to be helping on the weekends even if it’s just getting up with the baby and letting you lie in on one day.

So she doesn’t get any reprieve from being on call 24/7, even if she is about to collapse ,not even a bit? So essentially she does all the work, by herself, all day and most of night, whilst he can’t even cook her meal or take the dog out because he’s worked his 8 hours and now his time is completely his and his wife and child should just leave him alone? Good grief, still a man’s world.

I'm sure you'll have had loads of suggestions so apologies for adding one more - but what worked for me when my twins were born was for DH to do a 'dream feed' or whatever it was called at about 10pm, so I'd have done last feed at about 7pm and would try to go to sleep early - this meant that even if I got woken at 3am to feed I'd have got a big stretch of 5-6 hours in already, and could then often go back to sleep afterwards. I found it so hard to switch off enough to actually sleep but psychologically knowing that he would have that feed covered really helped me to relax and sleep. He would then get to sleep from say 11pm till the morning, and I'd get say 9.30pm-3/4am. I think he also liked having this firm role and time that was totally his, as I was breastfeeding and a SAHM at the time while he was working in a full on job.

You have a LOT to deal with to also have a dog and a baby and the lack of sleep can feel dementing. It does all get better, I would agree with others who say forget having to have this alone time at night and prioritise sleep!

Hopefully this is a good step foward for you OP. I think it’s a shame new mums have to get to this breakdown point before their husbands see sense though.

This. Early-ish night for me, DH would do a night feed/change 1030-11pm as he went to bed, then I would have had enough rest to do the rest of night/super early morning. Weekends took it in turns to have a 'night off' in the spare room.
Yes, it meant I didn't get much time with DH, but when we did spend time together we weren't too tired or resentful

I’m pleased you’ve had the talk with him and he appears to have taken it on board. Is he going to re think his football? Having a hobby is a good thing but it shouldn’t affect his family commitments.

Just on the football stuff - he obviously needs to step back now, however, in a few years time he can start taking DD to football sessions, I think they can start as early as 3 in some sessions.

If his current football club doesn't have a young girls squad he need to start looking for a set up that does.

My DH loves and coaches rugby, when my DC were old enough, he started training their age groups so it's an activity they do together.

You need to think of parenting / housework / getting stuff done as a joint responsibility, not your job with him helping

Could you afford a cleaner?

When you go back to work, be really careful that you don't continue as the default parent responsible for everything

Warped thinking? Clearly you have not given birth to a child and subsequently had to take on the main responsibility of looking after it, relentlessly, continuously, almost without a break whilst sleep deprived. It’s not just the physical load, it’s the mental load and the complete overwhelm of it all to contend with, all whilst you are still trying to recover from giving birth.

After I went back to work, that lunch break was the most civilised and calming one hour I had in the day. The commute, although long, was actually my down time. There’s nothing warped in my thinking and there is no point scoring, which I actually think you are doing because you think that being a stay at home mother means that being on call 24/7, doing absolutely everything at home and with the baby, even if completely exhausted, about to collapse, is perfectly acceptable because you get paid work, but she does all the work at home for free, whilst you get to advance your career. Come on - it’s 2023 not 1953.

I’m sorry to say it sounds like he’s opting out of being a dad at all, not just at 4am.

I would suggest having a conversation with him about how he’s going to step up and start participating in your family life. Maybe he takes charge of child care for a defined time when he gets home in the evening so you can have time to yourself and don’t need to stay up late for that. He could do bed time and then maybe a feed before he goes to bed. If you take an hour for yourself after maybe eating together, and then get off to bed you should get a block of solid sleep. He also needs to start doing at least one full night over the weekend.

I would also suggest to prioritise your mental and physical health over housework. Not that I’m saying don’t do any, but don’t feel guilty for needing to rest on a particular day. This is also something he needs to be helping with.

It just seems like you’re being set up to go back to work after mat leave and still be expected to do 100% of the unpaid family work. It sounds like his life hasn’t changed at all. Did he help out much before baby came?

Providing finance does not absolve all childcare or household duties though which is what the OPs DH is doing and also what you state is fair....no he's a adult he can chip in and help at weekends, in evenings etc.
A woman shouldn't be expected to do everything else due to being on mat leave.
Things are split equally in my house and were during my mat leaves. My DH got up in the night to help with both DS's, would do hoovering etc I would make dinner he did the washing up. We both did bathtime and when they were really little he would ask if I wanted to get some sleep before bringing baby to bed at first feed around 11pm. He's not a wonder bloke just a decent person who knows it's about being a team if a married couple with young children. Only Providing money is not being a team player!

Why is his work more important than hers? She only asked for a one off bit of support. By the sounds of it she gets 0.