Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Alot of single parents out there back at work doing it all with a newborn. Is UT easy nope but a baby us never easy and I stand by my comment.

if the op is a single parent effectively then why keep this deadweight around? She has been doing his cooking and washing and tidying up after him, single parents need to prioritise and people who aren’t them or their baby and who don’t bring anything to their life get dropped like a hot potato.

Personally I think any parent who wants to qualify for ‘uninterrupted sleep’ needs to pull their weight when they get home to offer some relief to the person who has been single handedly wrangling THEIR baby while taking care of all chores and walking the dog, it’s a piss take to swan in from work, do fuck all housework, do fuck all with the baby, still get to do all your hobbies, then go to bed and get a full nights sleep because work

Wora load of shit.

He won't even give the baby a bath.

And that's okay with some people on this thread.

If you were at work to right now the child care would cost thousands a year. A stupid amount. You're doing that job. It is work but you're unpaid. And sometimes that job is rubbish. You need a compromise. If he wants to sleep he needs to help 'more the rest of the time. Fron the second he gets home all evening and weekend. Jobs too not just playing

Always convenient, the hobby that they can't possibly give up, the commitment to other things.

You never, ever get a break op. Ever. If he's not at work he's at football.

And people are flaming you!

I think smilesup is being facetious

All these people shaming you because you’re on Mat leave and asked for overnight help are so wrong.
mat leave isn’t a holiday, being a mum is exhausting and you’re not slacking off, you’re looking after the home too which is a lot with a baby. And a dog!
you should ALWAYS be able to ask for help from your partner when you need it.
you do not need to feel guilty for that.
It feels like your partner might be struggling with the change too maybe as he’s becoming quite rigid, I have no idea but you said he was really lovely before and now isn’t really trying to help you out. It’s quite off.
I do think the balance will get there with the 2 of you and you’ll find your groove though. This is the stuff every couple argues and gets grumpy about with each other over in the first year to 2 years in parenting (maybe longer for some!). My husband manages a team too and we always argued over him being too stretched but now it’s a lovely thing for all of us to enjoy on a Sunday.
don’t beat yourself up over the arguments and try and remember that you’re exhausted so no rash decisions.
you two being together is the best possible thing for the baby.
But of course if you feel like he’s not your person then that’s totally your call to make and will be the right one. Single parenting is going to be much much harder and more stressful for you both, so I think try and let yourselves settle into parenting for a couple of years as me and my husband fought like cats and dogs for the first 18 months but we seem through it now!
But he absolutely needs to pull his weight. And whilst he doesn’t seem able to, and you are struggling make sure you lean on family.
Just try remember you love each other and keep talking about the help you need. Keep trying to reason.
it’s a really overwhelming and exhausting time for both of you, I’m sure you’re doing amazing!

Absolutely do not feel bad!!! It's not like you're asking him to get up multiple times a night, every night. You should always be able to lean on your husband when you need him. Yes it sucks for him and he's obviously got a lot on at work but don't let that overshadow what you're managing because being a mum is the hardest job in the world. You asked for help at 4am after a really tough week, not unreasonable in the slightest. Also don't feel bad for taking some 'me time'. I don't know a single mum that hasn't stayed up later than they should just to enjoy being alone for a minute longer. I think the people that are saying you're on maternity leave so you should do it are probably not parents themselves. Lots of mums don't ask for help and it take its toll on mental health. Asking for help is never the wrong choice! You are parents together and he should be ashamed for making you feel like it's all on you.

If you are absolutely desperate, yes wake him but usually. Let him sleep if he has to work. Babyhood is only a couple of years. (Seems longer at the time🤪)

No, everyone gets to sleep. Sleep is a basic necessity, so you split it, unless you hate your partner in which case have at it!

What exactly does your dh do to parent? It sounds as though he gives more of his time to other peoples kids than he does to his own child.

It's unfair to expect op to do everything because she's on maternity leave and her husband has a 'stressful' job. Do me a favour. He really needs to get a grip and prioritise being a husband and a father and if that means a hobby has to be put on the back burner until your baby is older then so be it. Why is it expected that a woman will give all of herself and the men just carry on as if nothing has changed.

That's the great thing about Mumset we can all have different opinions.

When I was on mat leave, I did nights and early wakings Sun-Thurs, and my husband did Fri and Sat nights. We still led normal lives (i.e. he can still football coach a bit tired). Your arrangement is not OK or fair.

Does he realise that when you go back from maternity leave, you'll both need to be doing half the nights each? We took it in turns - a week each. I would be worried that this isn't on the cards for you guys, based on his behaviour.

You need to look after another human all day. Of course he can get up.
I completely understand why you are wanting some alone time but maybe just a couple of hours and get to bed for 9. Husband can do that first change/feed before he goes to bed so you stay asleep and you do anymore wake ups.

So why the fuck can't he do it all? Because he has a penis?

DH did a lot of nights when we had DD, he was working I was at home. I had PND and he did what he could to ease the pressure on me. We used to share nights, Dh has always been a horrible sleeper and it damn near killed me. Sleep deprivations is crippling and yeah it is opting out to not want to do anything to pitch in at nights.

This.
I cared for my DD and DBGD..to the extent they stopped over in spare room for few weeks (bad birth and struggling breast feed , she needed support). Her husband worked but so did i...longer hours than him. He was using the i work speel...im gran oc i will help, for my DD mental health. She divorced him eventually. Shes now with someone who works (and so does she after maternity leave) and contributes equally to raising their new little one... including when she was on ML.

I ebf both my dc and dh still got up at nights. He would take dc from me as soon as they’d finished feeding and I’d go back to sleep whilst dh settled baby.
He was working a 90 minute commute away so out of the house almost 12 hours.
@ftm03 your dh is a lazy and selfish person.

These men and their very important jobs. Couldn't possibly miss a wink of sleep to care for their their own children. Poor dears. Glad I don't have a dick, it sounds exhausting.

100% not unreasonable. I do the housework, school runs, taking care of the baby and the other 2 children. But if we’re going through a rough patch of sleeping, E.g regressions, I fully expect their dad to step in whilst it’s going on as I can’t sustain that routine by myself. We had many an argument about it at first but I won’t budge on the idea. I told him to be dad, or leave. I’m not living life like a single parent struggling when he is right next to me. It’s ridiculous that’s people believe it should be on the one who not “working” how can I be okay to do everything I need on 2 hours sleep too? Don’t take anything less than what you and your children deserve, we’re not living in the past anymore girls, a father steps up or steps out.

The misogyny is real here lol he absolutely should be pulling his weight more.
So because he has a paid job you’re expected to do EVERYTHING 24/7 with no breaks or downtime? How’s that fair.
He should be doing the night feeds 1 night at the weekend and giving you a sleep in, it’s called being part of a team, he should know all about being a team player since he loves football so much.
Parenting outside of his working hours is 50/50, so is housework. Why does he get to be another person to pick up after just because he works. He’s got a responsibility to upkeep the house he lives in outside of his working hours.
You’re doing a huge job for the family, you’re saving both of you money by being childcare so he can go out and earn the money he earns and progress his career.

Also I don’t think it would have been unreasonable for him to do that 4am feed as a one off since you clearly needed the help that time. Yes he has to be up for work but when you see your partner is struggling you help.

A conversation is needed, it’s not the 1950’s and you shouldn’t be doing it all alone when you have an able partner.

Sounds like your life has completely changed with this baby and he’s doing everything he can to keep his life the same.
Being on Mat leave means you will have to make larger adjustments but he has to make some too. And yes - sometimes dads can be tired too. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to switch places with you so he can have the odd disturbed sleep - it comes with the territory of being a parent.
One thing we did when DD was smaller was my partner would wake up about 30 minutes earlier than normal and give her a feed before he went to work. She would usually go straight back to sleep and it meant I slept through till about 9am.
if you decide to go back to work you will need to be firm. Or nothing will change and you will burn out.

Can't believe all the comments basically saying oh this poor out upon man. And yes I know if op was a single parent she'd have to do it, but she isn't. She lives with (and does literally everything for) her partner, the baby's father, who gets time in the evenings, weekends and until the other night, full uninterrupted sleep.