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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

956 replies

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:14

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

OP posts:
luw7797 · 25/10/2023 23:34

What is wrong with everyone on here?? Of course he should help with the nights regardless of if he has work. You are also working, caring for a child all day IS work. You asked him to change and feed her as a one off, he should’ve just done it. Don’t feel bad for staying up later than you should have, those hours after baby is in bed really do feel like gold dust, you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting a little extra time to yourself when you give all of yourself to a baby all day long. Obviously not a good thing to make a habit of but it’s 100% understandable why you stayed up.
You should be a team, if he’s off playing football multiple times a week he can let you off asking him to do one bloody nappy change.

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 23:49

Dizzybelle · 25/10/2023 22:30

But she is absolutely working but it’s all unpaid and she’s on call 24/7. She doesn’t get a lunch break, but he does. When does she clock off? She doesn’t because she is doing everything by herself. Where as he finishes at 5pm and continues his life as that of a bachelor. Given this she might as well be a single mother as he gives her Jack shit help.

it’s crazy to me that men are actually discouraged, by some, from supporting their partners in the home because they don’t need to because “they put food on the table”. What century are we living in??

Show quote history

It's not about who is working and who isn't. It can be tough on both parents to manage a newborn and keep the household finances afloat too. I think it's very important to help each other out as much as possible but also to be realistic about what is achievable.

Your post suggests you think there should be score keeping but stop and think about what you're saying for a moment. You say he gets a lunch break for example. How do you know that? And if he does, what choice does he have? My ex-wife used to think it was some massive privilege that I got to commute for two hours a day and it's the same warped thinking. I had no choice, it was that or we couldn't pay the mortgage. I didn't want to commute, but the houses we could afford were in location A and the jobs that paid the mortgage were in location B.

I kept on saying to my ex-wife that we should both work part time because what with the way taxation works, she didn't need to earn as much to still make the net difference negligible. But she wouldn't have any of that either.

TLDR: I think you're taking a one sided view of the situation and not considering the pressures on both parents and how they have to work as a team to approach things better for both of them.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 25/10/2023 23:51

Why is is ok for his job to be 10 hours a day, and yours to be 24 hours a day?

Those posters saying "he needs his rest or he will make a mistake at work" appear mentally challenged. Cant you work out that if OP doesnt get HER rest, SHE could well make a mistake that affects the baby?

Kisskiss · 25/10/2023 23:51

Findinganewme · 25/10/2023 19:38

I’m quite taken aback by the number of people on here, who think that you should do all the night time wake-up's, because you’re on maternity leave.

you are both human. You are both busy all day. You both deserve a little break. I don’t get it. Just because your job right now, is to full time parent, doesn’t mean you have to do it 24/7. No job is 24/7?

Absolutely this!

Lampshadeblue · 25/10/2023 23:53

Although I don’t think you were entirely wrong to wake him at 4am, I don’t think this was the best time to try to sort this!

You need to tell him that you have equal right to equivalent free time and rest that he does. That’s the only fair starting point. He is only doing working hours 5 days a week, whereas you are working 24/7. This needs to be rebalanced. Leave him at home with the baby for the equivalent amount of time that he leaves you to do his hobbies. Negotiate the rest. Perhaps he does 50% of evenings after work per week, (you do night shift Mon-Fri) and get a night off/sleep in one day per weekend. How he organizes this around his other commitments isn’t your concern.

I suspect he will try to resist this/be unpleasant, as he’s gotten used to getting his own way, but if things don’t change soon, by the time you go back to work he will claim he doesn’t know what to do/baby just wants you and you will be stuck trying to do the amount you do now plus work. A marriage won’t survive that. Worth having the unpleasant battles now to give your marriage the best chance. Xx

Saggypants · 25/10/2023 23:54

So next weekend she is staying with them on Saturday night and I'm going to lay in bed with my book. I feel guilty to DD but I am not coping on my own and I will be a better Mum after a decent nights sleep and some time to myself.

Great idea. If they have a spare room, have you considered going too so they can take care of you a little bit?

What a shame you have to bring in 3rd parties to give you the support you should get from the baby's father.

Kisskiss · 25/10/2023 23:55

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 23:49

It's not about who is working and who isn't. It can be tough on both parents to manage a newborn and keep the household finances afloat too. I think it's very important to help each other out as much as possible but also to be realistic about what is achievable.

Your post suggests you think there should be score keeping but stop and think about what you're saying for a moment. You say he gets a lunch break for example. How do you know that? And if he does, what choice does he have? My ex-wife used to think it was some massive privilege that I got to commute for two hours a day and it's the same warped thinking. I had no choice, it was that or we couldn't pay the mortgage. I didn't want to commute, but the houses we could afford were in location A and the jobs that paid the mortgage were in location B.

I kept on saying to my ex-wife that we should both work part time because what with the way taxation works, she didn't need to earn as much to still make the net difference negligible. But she wouldn't have any of that either.

TLDR: I think you're taking a one sided view of the situation and not considering the pressures on both parents and how they have to work as a team to approach things better for both of them.

Show quote history

He is the one who is not working as part of a team, or treating his wife as an equal. She’s spending her whole day caring for their child , and her evenings caring for the house , and he expects her to also do nights with their child… it’s ridiculous
i hired a maternity nurse and even though we paid her a good wage, did not expect her to do ALL of those things. The OP is human and also needs rest, taking care of a baby is not easier than going to your job

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2023 00:00

Bunnycat101 · 25/10/2023 21:18

Sleep deprivation is tough but it is sadly something that is likely to continue once you’re back at work. I do think though while you’re on mat leave- night wakings should be yours. It is much easier to have a day resting at home with the baby and sleeping when they nap than working. But… you also need to lower your expectations of what you’re doing during the day. It doesn’t matter if you do nothing other than cuddle and feed the baby or rest. And you need to go to bed earlier or you’ll break.

I had one excellent sleeper and one terrible one who is still prone to night waking at 4. This morning she was up at 4am and my alarm then went off at 5.15 for work. It is shit and you have to get used to it. While I said above, I think you should be doing the bulk on mat leave- it won’t kill him to help you out from time to time and he needs to step up once you’re back at work and do his fair share. He should also be willing to do some bed and bath times and be more available at weekends. He is in danger of prioritising his football kids over his own baby at the moment.

He already is prioritising the other children

ilikemethewayiam · 26/10/2023 00:04

SapphOhNo · 25/10/2023 09:38

DH needs to drop the football at weekends. He needs to realise his life has changed and he has new responsibilities.

This!

when he decided to make a baby, who’s responsibility did he assume it was?

Pallisers · 26/10/2023 00:17

TLDR: I think you're taking a one sided view of the situation and not considering the pressures on both parents and how they have to work as a team to approach things better for both of them.

right, so that team thing. At the moment she is doing everything at home and with the baby including all night wakings. She is also contributing her maternity pay. in 5 months time she will be back at work contributing full pay again.

he is doing WHAT as a team? He is going to work as he did pre-baby and managing his football stuff as he did pre-baby except now he thinks that his wife should do the laundry because she is minding a baby fulltime so .... so fucking what? minding a baby is not work? How come I had to pay a small fortune to someone to mind mine at 5 months??

It is work when it is paid and not work when women do it. It is work when men do it (that laundry he couldn't possibly do when he gets home from work) and "literally a minute's work" when women have to do it.

This thread is so depressing. And yes I think smilesup hit on something. There are many many posters who think a woman should be punished for having sex/having a baby/actually needing time off to mind the baby.

OP, I would go to your dad and step mum too. Let them mind you. Get some sleep. think about the fact that your husband - the man who is supposed to love you most in the world - would rather you were knackered and at the end of your rope than put on a load of washing (something adults do every fucking day) or wake up once in the night. would you treat him like that?

cobden28 · 26/10/2023 00:23

Thirty years ago when my daughter was just short of her third birthday, we'd only very recently moved house and I'd started a new job in the civil service where there would hae been national security implications if I'd got anything wrong (so very stressful ! ) and my ex was a househusband although he didn't like it to be known that he wasn't working. Although my ex was at home all day and there weren't any DIY jobs to be done as it was a brand-new house he still expected me to do all the housework, cooking and childcare when I was at home from work and at weekends.

I came home from work one day absolutely exhausted to a house that absolutely stank of dirty smelly nappies, with the remains of two dirty nappies in buckets and a screaming toddler with an obviously full dirty nappy on her - we were using terry nappies to save money on disposables - and no signs of dinner being ready or prepared. I had to change my daughter's dirty nappy and deal with the debris of three dirty and smelly nappies AND get our evening meal ready, as my ex didn't think meal preparation was something he should be doing. I therefore had to sort out something for all three of us to have for our evening meal (daughter was on tinned/packeted baby mushy foods , which again my ex thought to be womans work to feed the baby). I was so exhausted after a long and tiring day at work that I just made peanut butter sandwiches for my ex and I that evening and said that in future I'd appreciate it if he could get our dinner ready in the evening whilst I was seeing to baby.

On day 2 there was no stink of dirty nappies when I came home but I still had to change her and organise something for us to have for tea - peanut butter sandwiches again. On day 3 it was the same as day 2, and on day 4 I think my ex gor the message because dinner was just about ready to be served when I walked through the door after work. I made it crystal-clear in no uncertain terms that I thought it not unreasonable for him to get dinner ready for when I came home from work or at the very least to get the potatoes peeled and everything 'ready to go' in the kitchen. And as regards the nappy situation, I was willing to go onto disposables if he wasn't prepared to have to deal with dirty smelly terry nappies.

HoldOnMiGenna · 26/10/2023 00:23

Mumsnet may have been more cliquey back in the day, but the women had higher aspirations and empathy for women than most of the rabble on this thread do.
The fucking state of this thread.
Of course a father who goes out to work should be a hands on parent, too. No, he doesn't get to work a few hours a day and his partner works 24hrs.
Do the women with no expectations think that when the OP goes back to work, her husband will suddenly remember that he is a parent, or if he is badly broken now and allowed to continue, the probability is that the OP will still be the parent doing all of the parenting along with going to work?
Where did all these male identified saddos spring from?

Codlingmoths · 26/10/2023 00:25

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 23:49

It's not about who is working and who isn't. It can be tough on both parents to manage a newborn and keep the household finances afloat too. I think it's very important to help each other out as much as possible but also to be realistic about what is achievable.

Your post suggests you think there should be score keeping but stop and think about what you're saying for a moment. You say he gets a lunch break for example. How do you know that? And if he does, what choice does he have? My ex-wife used to think it was some massive privilege that I got to commute for two hours a day and it's the same warped thinking. I had no choice, it was that or we couldn't pay the mortgage. I didn't want to commute, but the houses we could afford were in location A and the jobs that paid the mortgage were in location B.

I kept on saying to my ex-wife that we should both work part time because what with the way taxation works, she didn't need to earn as much to still make the net difference negligible. But she wouldn't have any of that either.

TLDR: I think you're taking a one sided view of the situation and not considering the pressures on both parents and how they have to work as a team to approach things better for both of them.

Show quote history

Where is this fucking team? On the one hand we have a woman on maternity leave, while on leave she does everything, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. On the other hand we have a man for whom nothign has changed. He has had hobbies, his footy team, these other children who really matter to him, he refuses to wake at night with his baby, he refuses to do washing , he refuses to do bath and bed for his child, he has gained a slave at home and given up nothing. Tell me who needs to change here to create this team?

Whatafliberty · 26/10/2023 00:25

My husband was like this...until I actually collapsed with exhaustion. After that, I woukd go to bed at 8 and he woukd do last feed and nappy. I would then do 2am after getting 6 hours sleep. Worked a treat and it won't be for ever.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/10/2023 00:39

smilesup · 25/10/2023 23:16

Absolutely agree. She shouldn't have been such a dirty slut to have had sex in the first place. This surely is her penance.

Wtf??

Someoneonlyyouknow · 26/10/2023 00:43

Seems your DH is prioritising his commitments to his football team and the kids team over his family?

PodgePie · 26/10/2023 00:52

The football thing makes a big difference. He needs to make time for you at the weekend so you can have a break.

I don’t think the division of work is so awful if you’re at home - as long as he’s actually parenting when it comes to bedtime etc and there’s no expectation for jobs to be done.

RogerTaylorsdrumstool · 26/10/2023 00:56

smilesup · 25/10/2023 23:16

Absolutely agree. She shouldn't have been such a dirty slut to have had sex in the first place. This surely is her penance.

Fuck off twat

sandyhappypeople · 26/10/2023 00:58

The first six months are SO hard and your DH is being a prick.

6 hours sleep is more than enough time for someone to be functioning at work the next day as a one off, he needs to realise that days of going to bed and having 8 hours uninterrupted sleep are over. Me & DH have always both got up, him to get anything that DD or me needs and me to see to her, then he goes straight back to bed, it's been like that from the start and it's a good way to support each other, if he lay in bed while I struggled I'd hate him to be honest.

Definitely accept the help from your SM, it will make all the difference to your metal health, don't feel guilty for DD, she just needs you to be happy and healthy, I'd even go so far as to look into doing something yourself on evenings where your DH is home, it gets you away for a bit and he sounds like he needs some time to get to grips with how bloody hard it is.

Pallisers · 26/10/2023 01:00

CandyLeBonBon · 26/10/2023 00:39

Wtf??

Show quote history

I read this as a satirical take on what a lot of posters are actually saying. You got pregnant, you had a baby, you deserve to be punished by complete lack of sleep and doing all the household labour.

momonpurpose · 26/10/2023 01:05

Shinyandnew1 · 25/10/2023 09:24

Do you work?

Yes, parenting should be an equal split and it’s clearly not fair if he gets 10 hours sleep every night and you get 3, but things are slightly different if he is the only wage-earner and needs to on the ball. If he makes mistakes that cost him the project and his livelihood, that is not good. You need to have a discussion about what is possible. Are you getting sleep at weekends?

Absolutely this. He is still working you are on mat leave. Once you are back at work then you need to share duties of course. But at this time who ever is working gets to sleep

CanIPetThatDawg · 26/10/2023 01:08

TLDR: I think you're taking a one sided view of the situation and not considering the pressures on both parents and how they have to work as a team to approach things better for both of them.

His life hasn't changed at all. Why are some poor soils having such a hard time grasping this ?

It's all on her.

🫠

LorW · 26/10/2023 01:11

The bar is so fucking low for men. Ugh. OP, just LTB and you’ll probably have an easier life not having to clean up after him.

CanIPetThatDawg · 26/10/2023 01:12

Mumsnet may have been more cliquey back in the day, but the women had higher aspirations and empathy for women than most of the rabble on this thread do.

Abso bloody lutely.

Where have all these Surrendered Wives on MN come from? Shouldn't they be busy sitting by their husbands' feet.

CanIPetThatDawg · 26/10/2023 01:16

Absolutely this. He is still working you are on mat leave. Once you are back at work then you need to share duties of course. But at this time who ever is working gets to sleep

Because absolutely nothing could go wrong with a bone tired sleep deprived parent being in sole charge of a 5 month old...