Page 21 | Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

ftm03 · 2023-10-25T08:14:14+00:00

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted. DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc. DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired. Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed. I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired. He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work. This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me. What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Mindovermatter247 · 25/10/2023 22:35

DP was a pretty hands on dad, fed, bathed. ,changed etc took them out etc… just not at night, it’s like they have selective hearing at night. I’d get up with both dc (not twins, just mean at the time they were babies) feed them, change them get back in bed and he’d feign innocence that he never heard a thing. I know people will say you should wake him up, it’s just quicker to do it yourself. My d cousin has a baby now and his gf said he does the same, sleeps through and then pretends he didn’t hear nothing.

JulianCasa · 25/10/2023 22:36

Absolutely NBU! At 5 months pp I was the walking dead, it’s THE hardest stage of the first year imo! You need a helping hand esp if you can’t get naps in the daytime. I had to buggy walk for every nap around then and it was so hard, so exhausting. You’re doing an amazing job. I hope you get some more help soon.

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 22:36

Casperroonie · 25/10/2023 22:32

As you're not working I'm afraid it's only fair you do the wake ups. Does he tidy etc? If yes, that's how it is, he works: you do all the baby stuff. Unless you go back part time pretty soon then he ups his share.
If he doesn't tidy and so on the it's fair he does so. He should also drop one of the football things though as once you have kids something has to go.

How is it fair for one parent to be well rested and the other parent to be exhausted, especially when the baby has been poorly and doesn't nap well during the day?

That isn't fair at all. This is his baby too.

CanIPetThatDawg · 25/10/2023 22:38

Casperroonie · 25/10/2023 22:32

As you're not working I'm afraid it's only fair you do the wake ups. Does he tidy etc? If yes, that's how it is, he works: you do all the baby stuff. Unless you go back part time pretty soon then he ups his share.
If he doesn't tidy and so on the it's fair he does so. He should also drop one of the football things though as once you have kids something has to go.

Why even have a baby if you expect the other parent to do 'all the baby stuff'?

🙃

Seriously, what is the fucking point??

Scottishskifun · 25/10/2023 22:39

usernamealreadytaken · 25/10/2023 22:20

It doesn’t sound like he’s opting out of being a husband and father; he’s doing what he thinks his job is currently - being the provider. Once you’re back at work and being a provider too, you can negotiate a fair split. I went back to work part-time on a lower wage, so my contribution to the household was most of the childcare and home admin, and a small amount of the financials - DH’s contribution was the opposite.

Show quote history

Being the provider?! It's not the 1950s where all domestic tasks are left to the woman by default!

I work ft (DH part time) and earn considerably more does that mean I'm the provider and don't have to do any housework or look after the kids at all......

parenting is about working as a team and that means helping out with a baby, doing household chores and basically being a grown adult!

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 22:39

Mindovermatter247 · 25/10/2023 22:35

DP was a pretty hands on dad, fed, bathed. ,changed etc took them out etc… just not at night, it’s like they have selective hearing at night. I’d get up with both dc (not twins, just mean at the time they were babies) feed them, change them get back in bed and he’d feign innocence that he never heard a thing. I know people will say you should wake him up, it’s just quicker to do it yourself. My d cousin has a baby now and his gf said he does the same, sleeps through and then pretends he didn’t hear nothing.

Mine didn't but then he'd never think that waking in the night was only my responsibility.

Some men are selfish and know full well that if they 'don't hear' it will just be 'easier' for the woman to do it and she'll just never ask again.

ZiriForGood · 25/10/2023 22:53

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 22:20

If he is working and you are not, then you really should be doing the 4am wake ups when he has work the next day. However, he should step up on nights when he is not working the next day and could play a bit less football for example.

If that still isn't enough, you'll have to work out how much he can step away from work whilst still managing financially but this is not easy. I tried to do this with my now ex-wife but whilst she wanted me at home more, she wouldn't stop spending the same amount of money every month so it wasn't doable to step back.

Show quote history

I would agree if we were talking about regular 4am setup. In this case it was a once off, a kind of emergency situation (baby is sick, too many wake ups already during that night, OP totally spent).

A decent thing would be to take that one, understand it as a literal wake up call, and discuss home operations the next day, so this kind of emergency wouldn't happen too often. In that discussion, he can suggest he will take the baby's evening shifts/weekend nights/whatever (however, as we learned from updates he values his football and understands bed time routine as OP's work, so I am afraid we can't hold high hopes here)

Solonge · 25/10/2023 22:53

Frankly if you are a stay at home mum, you really cant expect your husband to work all day and help out at night! He is right, he will start making mistakes at work, do you really want your husband sacked? If you are at work its different. I had three kids in under 4 years and my husband had a job where he worked 50 plus hours a week. My choice to have the kids, I knew he couldnt help and got on with it.

Amumof287 · 25/10/2023 22:58

So you do 100% of all baby care, days, evenings, nights and weekends, along with all of the dog/housework/washing? And you ask him to help you out once because you’re struggling with a sick baby, that he helped to create, and people think you’re being unreasonable?

OP my husband worked full time when he had a baby. I breastfed so he didn’t help with feeding and I did night shifts. But he did his share of cooking and cleaning let me lie in at weekends, took baby off me regularly to give me a break. He’s more than capable of that. Parenting is tiring. Not only now, for years to come. At which point you will both be working and he will need to contribute

ZiriForGood · 25/10/2023 23:00

Solonge · 25/10/2023 22:53

Frankly if you are a stay at home mum, you really cant expect your husband to work all day and help out at night! He is right, he will start making mistakes at work, do you really want your husband sacked? If you are at work its different. I had three kids in under 4 years and my husband had a job where he worked 50 plus hours a week. My choice to have the kids, I knew he couldnt help and got on with it.

Have you read the OP?

He is running his own business
it wasn't a regular setup, just one feeding during one really bad night. 3)it was their shared choice to have the child, not her own 4)he is a twat anyway, refusing to even try to do the bedtime (this is from recent updates, but... )

Cuttysark4321 · 25/10/2023 23:01

I am a lawyer at a large firm currently on maternity leave and being at my desk doing my work is FAR less exhausting than looking after a baby which is totally relentless. He can do a night feed.

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 23:03

Lol..ed too 😒

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 23:03

A lot of men posing as women on here again

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 23:03

Solonge · 25/10/2023 22:53

Frankly if you are a stay at home mum, you really cant expect your husband to work all day and help out at night! He is right, he will start making mistakes at work, do you really want your husband sacked? If you are at work its different. I had three kids in under 4 years and my husband had a job where he worked 50 plus hours a week. My choice to have the kids, I knew he couldnt help and got on with it.

Men have a say in having kids too. If they don't want to take a share in night feeds then it might not be a good idea to have any.

I absolutely expected my husband to do his fair share at night when I was on maternity leave because my sleep needs mattered too. It also wasn't helping, it was him doing his fair share of taking care of his own baby which he also wanted to have.

CanIPetThatDawg · 25/10/2023 23:05

Solonge · 25/10/2023 22:53

Frankly if you are a stay at home mum, you really cant expect your husband to work all day and help out at night! He is right, he will start making mistakes at work, do you really want your husband sacked? If you are at work its different. I had three kids in under 4 years and my husband had a job where he worked 50 plus hours a week. My choice to have the kids, I knew he couldnt help and got on with it.

That's some depressing shit.

Your poor kids having a father who didn't give af

You should have chose a husband more wisely

Rainbowqueeen · 25/10/2023 23:05

If you are going back to work when DD is 10 months and she is 5 months now then things need to change pronto.
what the hell does he think is going to happen at that point? You will absolutely be on your knees if he is not pulling his weight then. He should be parenting so that either of you do bedtime not just you.

Im glad you have a plan to get some rest. I’d also stop hiding how shit he is as a parent and a partner. If he is embarrassed when people are horrified about how ge is behaving then that is on him.

Wishing you all the best

usernamealreadytaken · 25/10/2023 23:05

Scottishskifun · 25/10/2023 22:39

Being the provider?! It's not the 1950s where all domestic tasks are left to the woman by default!

I work ft (DH part time) and earn considerably more does that mean I'm the provider and don't have to do any housework or look after the kids at all......

parenting is about working as a team and that means helping out with a baby, doing household chores and basically being a grown adult!

Show quote history

No, if you actually bothered to read my post you’d see that’s not what it said at all. Currently he’s providing the finance, OP is providing the house admin and childcare. When OP returns to work they can agree on a fair division of finance, house admin and childcare. If you earn more and still do most of the childcare and admin, you’ve not agreed a fair division.

Loubelle70 · 25/10/2023 23:06

Cuttysark4321 · 25/10/2023 23:01

I am a lawyer at a large firm currently on maternity leave and being at my desk doing my work is FAR less exhausting than looking after a baby which is totally relentless. He can do a night feed.

Edited

Agree....i travel 4 hrs day for work...out house 11 hours... mentally taxing job and a lot of cases..but....its easier , inmho than staying at home caring for baby, house etc..and ive done that too. Give me a job out the house anyday, running household especially with baby us not easy

SouthLondonMum22 · 25/10/2023 23:07

usernamealreadytaken · 25/10/2023 23:05

No, if you actually bothered to read my post you’d see that’s not what it said at all. Currently he’s providing the finance, OP is providing the house admin and childcare. When OP returns to work they can agree on a fair division of finance, house admin and childcare. If you earn more and still do most of the childcare and admin, you’ve not agreed a fair division.

Show quote history

OP's DH isn't going to magically start doing his fair share when she goes back to work. It needs to change now so she isn't doing everything and also working full time.

Pallisers · 25/10/2023 23:14

No, if you actually bothered to read my post you’d see that’s not what it said at all. Currently he’s providing the finance, OP is providing the house admin and childcare. When OP returns to work they can agree on a fair division of finance, house admin and childcare. If you earn more and still do most of the childcare and admin, you’ve not agreed a fair division.

Does she get a rebate on her 24/7 duties if she is providing money to the common pot through her maternity leave?

Doodar · 25/10/2023 23:16

Op, what a recipe for disaster in the future. You’re going back to work and you’ll still be doing everything everyday. He’s never going to change, so many men like this. Good on you for taking up your relatives offer of help.

smilesup · 25/10/2023 23:16

Absolutely agree. She shouldn't have been such a dirty slut to have had sex in the first place. This surely is her penance.

Millybob · 25/10/2023 23:26

That'll be football once a week from now on.

Crafthead · 25/10/2023 23:33

Just out of interest, how did you split the chores pre baby?

IsThatMyUmbrella · 25/10/2023 23:33

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:28

@berksandbeyond I feel bad now for waking him but I'm beyond tired and just needed his help once.

Don't feel bad OP. There are posters here who love to kick a mother when she's down. It's often a race to the bottom in here. You're not being unreasonable. My DH did alternate nights with me when ours were babies, so at least we each got a decent night's sleep every other night and, shock horror, DH even had to work the next day!

Your DH needs to prioritise you and his child at this stage, not a bloody hobby. I really wonder why some people have kids when they refuse to change their lives at all.