Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

but can't sleep at weekends as he runs a kids football team and has commitments to that. Plus he plays football himself a couple of evenings a week.

Wow! He's taking the piss to be honest!

Yea the majority of household/childcare WHILE HE IS AT WORK of course falls to you, but when he's home he needs to pull his weight as a

Husband
Father
Housemate!

Wtf!

OP will still end up doing all of the wake ups as well as working because her DH 'doesn't know how to settle her' or will claim 'she only wants you'

Oh I'll bet he's banking on that nonsense!

My ex husband for all his faults while we were together and dd baby/small toddler did not pull the "but I've to be up for work" crap!

He was full time military (inc training and shift duties) and yet as soon as he got in from work he'd take dd and do whatever with her, to give me an instant breather from the childcare. He shared night wakings and would take her through to the living room with him when he was getting ready of a morning to let me get a little more rest then, (she was incorporated into his exercise regime  ) and then bring her through to me before leaving for work.

We took turns having lie ins at the weekend too. If she was fussing he'd take her out a walk/drive/to park/shop.

Nah, this needs a serious talk asap.

but you can rest during the day

With an unwell 5 month old who DOES NOT NAP a dog and an abdicating husband/father? How?!

I think men's 'stressful jobs' are often over-egged.

Yep! I'm pretty confident it's nowhere near as stressful as my exes was

but if she went down at 6 or 7 you had a lot longer than one precious hour if you stayed up till 11. Go to bed earlier.

And

what are you doing the other evenings when baby goes to sleep at 6?

I'm guessing op was cleaning, tidying (inc after lazy ass husband) doing laundry, dishes, prepping for next day etc until 10.

I only had the one and once I was a single mum (which in terms of labour op appears to be too!) this was fairly standard to not even be able to sit down until then. If ops husband (NOT D h) is leaving everything household to her that's a lot to do.

And god forbid op have ANY awake free time to herself eh?! Give me strength!

Also may leave is NOT holiday! I'm appalled at the apparent women and even other mothers on this thread seemingly taking this attitude too!

The footies gotta go!

@Iudncuewbccgrcb well said!

Motherhood isn't martyrdom.

Hear hear!

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby. I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

You let this slide and you will end up resenting him, and once resentment sets in love tends to leave.

Did he want to be a father?

But when do you get your time for hobbies, exercise, or just doing nothing/whatever you feel like?

Why do you recognise that he’s entitled to that but you’re not?

Exactly

I bet he’s not too tired for football though.

Of course he's not! He's getting 8/9 hours sleep every night & does fuck all apart from football when not working!

But surely his football isn't every day?

At least 4 days a week from what op says. 2 eves playing and BOTH weekend days too - as I said piss taking!

I have seen lots of relationships end in the toddler years on those grounds

Yep see it on here all the time too.

Op. Did he pull his weight at home BEFORE baby?

Personally I think situations like this make an excellent case for compulsory, equally length paternity leave to be taken AFTER mum returns to work!

Would be very interesting to note fathers attitudes then! (And employers!)

What is amusing though is I've not been on mn in a good while and I see certain posters are still utter arses!
while others are thoughtful and considerate:

He is not giving up being a Dad he sounds like he never started.

Too true!

Who needs men to oppress us: the call is coming from inside the house

Right!? How fucking depressing is that?!

They certainly don't shag them so another job off your list.

I know sex strikes are frowned on here on mn but they can be bloody effective!

I'm sure there's more men on here than we think.

I don't assume all posters are women even if they claim to be, but I also don't assume women aren't sexist arses too!

she's a much wanted DD.

Wow! Then he really needs to start behaving as if she is too! He's not creating a relationship with her at all.

I've just sat down and asked DH if we can chat about splitting things more equally and used laundry as an example, his answer was "you want me to get in at 5, put laundry on and wait an hour for it to finish, hang it up at night" as if that makes a difference what time it's put on the airer (no garden and no tumble dryer). He said "there's not a lot to putting on a wash when you're home with her". When I asked about him doing bath and bedtime a couple of nights a week his reply was "she's in her routine now with you".

Wow again!

If putting a laundry on while you're also juggling poorly baby, dog & rest of housework is so easy then it's bloody easy for him too!

As for 'she's in her routine now with you' as so many pps and I predicted he's also gonna do fuck all once you're back at work! Frankly op you'd be better off on your own as at least then you wouldn't have HIS lazy arse to clean and tidy up after (and spend energy shagging!)

And he gets in at 5?! Jesus Christ he's got it made!

He can't opt out of football commitments as he's in a team and runs a kids football team so that's a no go.

Yes he can! He's just got you trained to thinking he's irreplaceable- he's not as a player or coach and not as a husband or father either!

but I am not coping on my own

That inadvertent comment says it all! You're already effectively a lone parent with TWO kids and a dog!

Regarding our future, I can't and won't stay married to a man who opts out of being a husband and most importantly, a dad.

Good for you - tell him that!

Frankly if I were your stepmum or dad (I'm probably similar age) I'd be having sharp words with your husband too?

It doesn’t matter if you’re on mat leave, he needs to give you a break sometimes too!

Him waking at 4am to tend to HIS daughter isn’t going to cause the demise of job ffs. He absolutely should have got up with her.

My baby used to wake around 5. My husband would take her down for an hour and half then bring her back up when he went to work. Sometimes she’d be sleeping, others not. Either way, we shared the wakings like this.

Your husband can’t opt out because he’s tired. My daughter was still waking multiple times a night when I went back to work when she was one. We had to get on with it.

He needs to step up. He can't be out all weekend and a couple of nights during the week with football. Tough he has a commitment to them, he has a commitment to you and his baby!
Life changes when you have a baby.
So he needs to scale back.
Well done on putting your foot down, just don't go back to doing everything.
What's going to happen when you go back to work, you will be too. He needs to stop being selfish.
My second DC was still not always sleeping during the night when I went back to work when he was 10 months old, some babies are like that so you need to make sure you get sleep.
I'm glad you have family to help. Your H should be helping at the weekend when he's off to give you a rest. Hope you get to relax a bit.

Glad to read this.

So sorry he has now shown you who he really is.

A selfish waster.

Shit husband and a shit father.

He tried it for a bit but decided you can be the parent as he reverts back to his single life with lots of his favourite activities.

Obviously your daughter needs one parent who cares about her needs so she is your priority.

Stopping doing ANYTHING for him is right.

Glad you are returning to work, you need your income, family and friends to get you through this.

Be wise, do not depend on him for anything.

You definitely need to discuss your return to work and how that will look in terms of childcare and housework split.

He absolutely need to be doing bath and bed NOW, as baby needs to be able to settle for either of you. How else can you hope to achieve a fair split when you are both working?

When you have a child, it often necessitates a change of lifestyle.

It seems like you've taken 100% of the lifestyle hit while he has taken zero.

OF COURSE he needs to be doing less football than both weekend days and two nights a week. It's absolutely not unreasonable to ask he cuts back so that he can be present more as a father.

And this is the issue. He should have been giving you help for the last 4 months. He should be prioritising his hobbies over your welfare. It's not like you're doing nothing all day, you're keeping his kid alive.

I'd go to bed early alt nights for the moment to try and catch up but speak about how much he actually parents the baby. If baby isn't breast fed, he needs to let you have a few hours over the weekend to yourself. It isn't ok that you have the baby because he works, you have the baby because he has hobbies, you have thr babu because he's tired, you have the baby because she's going out and then there's no time left.

Whooop! Go you! I’m pretty appalled by his attitude. This will not change unless you find a way to communicate to him he has to. I would consider relationship counselling because his idea of parenting and your role is archaic. I would recommend creating a hobby for yourself one night a week. Pilates is good for postpartum. A night out is even better!

I think it may come as a surprise to your DH.

Being a parent is fucking tiring. My "baby" is 12 and it's still exhausting. And IF I make mistakes at work it could be life or death.

He needs to stop the football both weekend days and give up one evening of it a week.

I have a four month old - I totally understand your exhaustion! However when my husband comes home from work he takes the lead with the baby. You need a break! It's hard having to have 100% attention on your baby all day! You're husband can't be going out so much in the evenings playing football when you have a baby. You've compromised so much of yourself to have a baby, he needs to make compromises too!

I do the night shifts in the week as on maternity leave, but if I'm having a hard time my husband would 100% help me in the night. He took a whole day off work last week because I was so exhausted with the four month sleep regression... At the weekends, he does the night shifts too. We've also carved out 2 hours each at the weekend where we can do what we want without the baby. It is possible for him to be there for you and the baby, work a full time job and not overstretch himself. But he's got to choose that.

What to do next? Show him this message. Some men do step up.

We treated maternity leave like a job, from 9-5 or more like 7.30 - 6.30 (when my husband was at work) my job was the baby, the house, the pets, shopping etc etc. As soon as he was home, we were both no longer at work so we did 50/50. He also missed the baby and wanted to spend the time with them (granted not always at 4am). At weekends we did the same too, I had Saturday morning lie ins, he had Sunday morning lie ins. We did agree this up front though, and honestly, if he had believed that being at work meant 0 night waking, 0 house duties when he was home, 0 bath and bedtime, 0 cooking etc, then I'd have split the leave and he could have taken extended paternity leave because working full time is hard, but it's not 24/7 and caring for a small baby is 24/7! We also agreed a red alert signal, so even if it was technically our turn to do something, if we were on our knees we could cry off. We both only used it once or twice but it was imperative we knew we had one another's backs when things were tough and our team mate would pick up the slack, no questions asked, no points logged, no blame.

I'd talk to him when you've both had some sleep, DD feels better and then agree the "rules", whether that's giving you more time at weekends so you get "me time", him doing more household duties so you're not overwhelmed, splitting any night waking - whatever feels fair and ensures you're not left overwhelmed/exhausted or feeling resentful. You're not being unreasonable but you both need to work out what feels fair and reasonable to you both (this cannot be done at 4am!)

Please tell your DH from me he sounds like a dick.

And I typing this from my sofa as my DP is in the kitchen washing up (yes he worked all day).

Minding a baby is a 24hr job. If he’s worried about making mistakes because he’s missing sleep, the outcome for a baby with a mother who is exhausted could be catastrophic.

It doesn’t sound like he’s opting out of being a husband and father; he’s doing what he thinks his job is currently - being the provider. Once you’re back at work and being a provider too, you can negotiate a fair split. I went back to work part-time on a lower wage, so my contribution to the household was most of the childcare and home admin, and a small amount of the financials - DH’s contribution was the opposite.

If he is working and you are not, then you really should be doing the 4am wake ups when he has work the next day. However, he should step up on nights when he is not working the next day and could play a bit less football for example.

If that still isn't enough, you'll have to work out how much he can step away from work whilst still managing financially but this is not easy. I tried to do this with my now ex-wife but whilst she wanted me at home more, she wouldn't stop spending the same amount of money every month so it wasn't doable to step back.

I find even going to bed the same time as babies once a week massively improves my mentality.

If you're on Mat Leave and he has to be up for work the I'm with him, you should be doing the silly o'clock waking. I only had 12wks off when DS was born as we couldn't afford me to stay off so we had to share waking up, but while I was off I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting DH to get up at 4am.

God some of you are living in the dark ages

Really? What if he only works 40 hours, but OP works 60 hours when you take into account sleepless nights and dealing with the baby at night?

You're a disgrace.

Bravo, @ludncuewbccgrcb...

But she is absolutely working but it’s all unpaid and she’s on call 24/7. She doesn’t get a lunch break, but he does. When does she clock off? She doesn’t because she is doing everything by herself. Where as he finishes at 5pm and continues his life as that of a bachelor. Given this she might as well be a single mother as he gives her Jack shit help.

it’s crazy to me that men are actually discouraged, by some, from supporting their partners in the home because they don’t need to because “they put food on the table”. What century are we living in??

Your DH sounds like an arse! Waking him at 4am probably wasn’t the best but why aren’t you parenting 50/50 when he’s home and not asleep?

As for the hobbies, something has got to give!

As you're not working I'm afraid it's only fair you do the wake ups. Does he tidy etc? If yes, that's how it is, he works: you do all the baby stuff. Unless you go back part time pretty soon then he ups his share.
If he doesn't tidy and so on the it's fair he does so. He should also drop one of the football things though as once you have kids something has to go.

@Casperroonie so OP has to be on call 24/7?