Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Someone said "if he's tired and makes a mistake at work, it could cost him his livelihood." But what if you're tired and make a mistake caring for your baby? He needs to absolutely step up, regardless of if he has work in the morning, it's part of parenting. Or pay for someone to help you.

I'm gonna give a big ol' NAH to this. I work 5 days a week, partner is the SAHM (we're both women). We split the wake ups 50/50. Being a SAHP is tough and exhausting. I also do 50% of all house work and cooking.

The OP's DH needs to do more.

When our son was a baby my husband worked full time so I did all the night feeds etc which were a lot because our son is disabled so doesn't sleep much.
But my husband did other things like cook dinner every night and he made sure I had everything I would need for the night. He made sure I had enough bottles and nappies etc before going to bed. Then on the weekends most of the time I would be up about 5am ish but when I started to feel too tired I would wake my husband up, usually between 8am and 10am. Then he would get up and take care of our son and I would go back to bed and stay there as long as I wanted. I would usually get up around lunch time and my husband would make lunch and we would spend the day together. Now we have switched roles and I work full time and my husband is a full time parent / carer for our son.
My job involves a lot of thinking which I would struggle with if I had to get up in the night with our son.

Well done OP! Great start 👍🏻

All the male apologists on the thread telling you he earns the money so you should shut the fuck up should be ashamed. Like you I worked and I expected my husband to contribute to caring for the family he made with me

Nicely put.

Glad to read your update OP. Good to take some time to yourself and well done for not putting up with it. His behaviour is awful, he’s being crazily selfish. He is putting his needs above yours and your daughters. He doesn’t respect you at all. I hope he changes his ways and you work it out, if not you will be better off alone. Xx

No you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Being a stay at home mum is harder than working full time. That is a fact. His sleep needs do not trump yours.
If I was you I would say you take it in turns to get up regardless of how many times the baby wakes, regardless of work/plans/responsibilities.
I have always loved that hour or 2 in the evening of time to myself too so when we had our first my husband would go to bed around 10 and I would stay up and do the midnight feed and then my husband got up and did the 5am feed then put the baby back down and went to work. That way we both got sleep. Our second barely slept or napped so it was basically a free for all, I’d do as much as I could but somedays I was dead on my feet and I’d tell my husband to get up. He never complained but we did argue a lot at that point because we were both so tired and honestly just pissed off that our baby wouldn’t sleep 😂
It’s a hard phase but you’ll get through it. Sending hugs.

All power to you @ftm03

I hope you both (but especially you) get looked after and cosseted at your dad and stepmum’s house.

Your H is a selfish twat. He’s failing at being a husband and father.

Well done OP!
If he tries to continue to make you the default parent I echo what many others are already saying, that you yourself will be back at work in 5 short months. Think how quickly these first 5 months have gone!!! It will be here so quickly so he needs to step up and find his rhythm now!

Also if his hobbies and commitments are non negotiable, I would now look for a hobby that takes up equal time and book it for one of his ‘free’ days/evenings.
Also continue to refuse to do more than you can manage! Yes putting a wash on, cooking and cleaning can be done with a pretty stationary baby. But in 5 months when you are both working she is going to be more wakeful, crawling, pulling up, rolling, maybe even walking… and trying to manage everything you did before, plus work AND a kamakazee infant/toddler intent on danger is impossible!
If he doesn’t step up I would be considering what you future will look like in a few short months and if that is what you want… x

Firstly, it’s the hardest job in the world and you sound like an excellent mum and wife. Yes you definitely do need some support but I agree with others that if he’s working it probs should fall to you if you’re off, otherwise (ie weekends) it should be 50/50 where possible. Will baby settle with DH if he’s not around too much? I know my kids usually want me despite being v close with my DH, their dad. This might be a ‘controversial’ opinion… but I really believe all children need a nap during the day especially <2yrs (of course there are exceptions to this like sickness, developmental leaps etc) I would suggest you are either possibly missing the window and baby is then overtired and fighting naps or maybe too early/cold/room not dark. A really good book for a basic routine is , the Contented little baby book but in the mean time a good rule of thumb I use is; baby wakes, 2hrs later baby should nap for say 30/40 mins, then 2hrs after baby wakes from that nap, they should be put down for another nap. I let my baby sleep as long as wants for the afternoon nap but as they get older this can impact their ability to go down at a decent time. I totally get wanting to claw back some time in the evening, I do it myself, but I try to get at least 2/3 reasonably early nights, say 9pm. Keep up the good work though! It will get easier!

Hes already using the excuse 'but shes in a routine with you'. Thats gonna be the excuse for a really long time if things dont change now. Me and DH have 3 DDs and he has always done things equally when it comes to the kids. When I was on maternity for 10 months I did all the cooking, cleaning etc. But he did shared night feeds, took the kids a lot so I could have time to myself. You need to take charge and if you're not happy with the current dynamics then change them. He needs to start being a dad

People on here are blinking horrible! Op is not being unreasonable at all! One 4am feed would not kill him when she has done everything for 5 months!
Being a sahm does not mean you have to do everything! Working 24/7 for 5 months, op must be exhausted!
As a mum of a 4 year old & 4 month old, i hate being told to sleep when baby sleeps. I cant just fall asleep like that. And if theres jobs that need doing ect. I wont sleep thinking about them.
I totally understand wanting a hour to yourself.
Have you got any family that could take the baby for a couple of hours once a week to ensure you get a break before you destroy your mental health?

So he gets to play football during the week? That would piss me off no end. When's your down time?

All the comments saying that you should do the nights as he is working are a joke! Just because you are not being paid, it doesn’t mean you’re not working, and you don’t get the luxury of a break during the day as your child doesn’t nap. He needs to pull his weight and that includes being there for his family on weekends and letting you sleep. I feel for you, you must be running on empty.

I promise you, you’re doing no harm to your DD by having a night off. Use every second of her sleepover for rest and restoration without feeling guilty!

On the night wakings, we had a really efficient system where DP would do the earliest feed so that I could rest and I would do the middle of the night feed. It probably would’ve been better to wake him when you were struggling to settle her, get some rest and then you do the 4am.

set some really firm boundaries on what you expect of him, you can’t care for a baby if you’re completely exhausted.

IRemember Exes dad saying that in front of health visitor. She told him he gets enough of a break at work and educated him on how much of a toll it takes on mum body and the healing that was going on underneath. He helped out more after that.

When I asked about him doing bath and bedtime a couple of nights a week his reply was "she's in her routine now with you".

Of course he did. The lazy shit.

Don't feel bad for waking him . He needs to stop the weekend footy and take over from you so you can recover and have a lie in to catch up . sleep is the most important thing, it can send you crazy if you don't have enough.

Sleep deprivation is tough but it is sadly something that is likely to continue once you’re back at work. I do think though while you’re on mat leave- night wakings should be yours. It is much easier to have a day resting at home with the baby and sleeping when they nap than working. But… you also need to lower your expectations of what you’re doing during the day. It doesn’t matter if you do nothing other than cuddle and feed the baby or rest. And you need to go to bed earlier or you’ll break.

I had one excellent sleeper and one terrible one who is still prone to night waking at 4. This morning she was up at 4am and my alarm then went off at 5.15 for work. It is shit and you have to get used to it. While I said above, I think you should be doing the bulk on mat leave- it won’t kill him to help you out from time to time and he needs to step up once you’re back at work and do his fair share. He should also be willing to do some bed and bath times and be more available at weekends. He is in danger of prioritising his football kids over his own baby at the moment.

I will never forget a HUGE row my parents had when I was about.....10 I think but it had been an on going thing for donkeys years and my mum still mentions it occasionally now (I am 50 for reference).

My father helped run an armed services cadet thing in our town. It took up two nights a week just for the regular nights then weekends, drill for parades etc.... in the end my mother said either he gives it up or he moves out. He was either at work, at cadets or asleep. She got no time to herself, we never saw him and she was working too. She said he was leaving her to be the only parent so she might as well be one and get every other weekend off, which was more than she got at that point.

He was going on that he made a commitment and couldnt just go back on that, she said that he made a commitment when they agreed to have kids so how come he could put strangers kids in front of his own. How come he cared more about letting other peoples kids down and not his own.

In the end he stormed off back to his parents and from what I can gather, his own father (who himself had been involved in the cadets) read my father the absolute riot act. Two days later my father resigned from cadets and came home. Shouldnt have taken that but it just goes to show that sometimes its not until someone else tells them just how selfish they are being that they see it. Is there anyone in his family that would get it and speak to him about it? Preferably a father or brother as sadly his mother would get slotted into the "nag" pigeon hole next door to yours.

The fact is that he hasnt needed to deal with how hard parenting a new baby is as he has not had to do it, he has always got a reason why he doesnt need to . Firstly a newborn needs its mother, then he has work and tonight is football,........always a reason. Sometimes the old "I am away this weekend, here is the baby, see you Sunday" is all you can do but that is the nuclear option, so I would try with getting someone else to have a word with him first and if that doesnt work, pack an overnight bag and book a hotel.

Well done on making your priorities OP.

I am sorry how the washing conversation went. I am afraid he is coming across as clueless, emotionally unintelligent and patronising.

You will at some point need to tell him that he has to take some of the strain off you, particularly in the evenings and weekends.

He needs to realise he can't just carry on in exactly the same way pre-children

Take it from someone who has been EXACTLY where you have been OP and has many regrets:

Do not have a second child with a small age gap to essentially extend your maternity leave because subconsciously you know he's shit and it will all be on you when you go back to work and you want to buy some more time before you have to face up to that.

Do start planning for your return to work sooner than you thought, and mean it, before the rot sets in and you can't escape because you are too tired/stuck/ground down/ re-pregnant.

Be very very clear that childcare expenses are not your 'fault', yes even if you decide to return to work earlier than expected because you don't want to turn into a domestic drudge.

You might lose a few weeks maternity leave but you will gain all the answers you need about whether he has any intention of stepping up - when he shows you how he means to go on, take notice.

I'm 5 years on from where you are now and the resentment I have towards him is crushing. He is pitiful in his absolute uselessness and its so unattractive. I'm planning my exit.

Id also say focus on naps and cracking a daytime routine. A 5 month old without a nap is not going to be an easy baby to manage and sleep is so important to their development and your own sanity. I could not have managed the toddler years without a good nap to reset.

I feel your pain, having been through the sleeplessness twice, neither slept through the night til well over a year. However, despite working throughout (maternity leaves of 9 months and 5 months here) my dh did 50% of all night wake ups. How we worked it- and this might be helpful advice- is that we split the night time. DH said anything after 4am and he couldn’t get back to sleep, hence it messed him up for work. BUT he was happy to stay up til 11ish and watch a box set. So I would go to bed around 9, anticipating being up from 5am, and he would stay up til 11, expecting to sleep in til 7am. Any middle of the night activity we would share. Perhaps you could sit with pen and paper and work something similar out, remember “this too shall pass”

I have a 3 month old and a DH who has a job which fills quite a few hours, it is hard.

It sounds like you are doing a great job and doing a lot of the work because you love your DD and DH. But everyone has limits and before your DD came along I’m sure your life was much different. You’ve made lots of sacrifices, clearly complain very little and yet DH wants to live his life like before but with all the benefits of having a DD. Sadly, society still says this is ok. People seem to think mat leave is some kind of holiday but never having one moment to yourself is hard, never being able to switch off. Lean on family - the ones who understand and do it without guilt. It takes a village to raise a child and those who manage without are the exception and I’m sure they’d appreciate help if it was available.

If your DH doesn’t start stepping up then he won’t have a strong bond with his DD and then can’t complain later. Don’t feel bad about the 4am wake up, no job is as important as family. If he loves you then he needs to see we all have limits and maybe if he can’t cope with DD and his job then he should change jobs…. Because no one will care about what he did in his job in 10 years time but you and DD will remember if he wasn’t stepping up.

Don’t feel bad. You are entitled to a break.