Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

What a shitbag! Not even willing to bathe your DD? I can't believe his excuses. He has fully opted out and if he can't see that when you present the facts to him, you might need to reconsider your future with him.

OP, reading your latest update. Ok, he is a twat.

You don't have to explain WHY you need some time. It is normal human need. You just do need your FAIR share of free time. Present the problem and expect a solution.

The badtime routine is established now - so it is the ideal time now for him to become part of it.
He is part of the team - is he part of the team "family"?

You really need to sleep when baby sleeps. When mine were that small, they would have a bottle about 6-7ish and they would sleep and I would have an hour to myself and then go to bed. Hubby would then give them a bottle before he went to bed at 10.30-11 ish and then I would deal with anything that happened during the night. I would have Fridays off, which was amazing. We would usually get takeaway & I would have a bath & try & relax. This phase doesn’t last forever, hang on in there 😊

@ftm03 he's being a lazy bastard if he refuses to do these things then simply go on strike. Sort you and DD out he's a grown ass man who can use a washing machine. Don't be cooking for him, doing his washing etc etc until he gets it and stops giving horrendous excuses!
You don't have to make an excuse to need some you time for your mental health!
When he gets in from football at the weekend hand him DD and go out! Doesn't matter where take the dogs for a walk or go for a coffee or a drink with a friend. He will soon get it!

OP you don’t have to make any harsh decisions right now. But you do need to take care of yourself. He clearly has a really low opinion of what you’re doing

one of the hardest times in my life was when my DH was completely selfish when I was pregnant with DC2- he was amazing with the first one so this was a massive shock.

it took me making serious steps to leave for him to realise that he was in the wrong.

if he isn’t valuing your contributions then stop doing them. Do your own laundry, cook just enough for you, if he’s not doing anything for you then why should you waste your precious time on him.

Oh no, OP.

You're married to a wanker.

"you want me to get in at 5, put laundry on and wait an hour for it to finish, hang it up at night"

Well, when you put it like that it does sound like a superhuman effort....

He said "there's not a lot to putting on a wash when you're home with her".

Nor is there a lot to putting on a wash when you come home at night.

When I asked about him doing bath and bedtime a couple of nights a week his reply was "she's in her routine now with you".

This is grim. When our DDs were young then bath and bedtimes were my time with them. I worked out of the house full-time so didn't get to have that kind of time with outside of bedtimes - it was so important to bonding with them.

HE still has a life which hasn't changed since becoming a (so-called) father

Why is that ok?

Your next sit down conversation with him will be: 'And how are we going to split things when I go back to work?'

Your third one will be 'I have instructed a solicitor and we're done. You better start working out how you'll play football on the days you have her'

I’m quite taken aback by the number of people on here, who think that you should do all the night time wake-up's, because you’re on maternity leave.

you are both human. You are both busy all day. You both deserve a little break. I don’t get it. Just because your job right now, is to full time parent, doesn’t mean you have to do it 24/7. No job is 24/7?

Why can't he leave the football team? What an arse. He needs to give you one of his hobbies, that's really selfish.

OP,

I'm so sorry for you. He's behaving like a shit.

At a minimum, as a regular, your 'work day' should be the same amount of hours as his, and evenings and weekends, you split parent/leisure time.

He doesn't sound a kind, loving, supportive partner, to be honest.

Don't have a child with him (at all). And ensure when you return to work, you support your own career as a priority.

And you had a supportive husband.

Did you miss the bit where OP's is a selfish arse?

So he said “I can’t give her a bath and put her to bed, she’s in a routine now with you”

And then you said “We should change the routine now so she’s in a new one ready for me going to back to work (and doesn’t forget who you are)”

And then he said….?

Honestly. What a prick. You must have the ick by now. How unattractive to be such a shit husband and dad that you can’t even be arsed to bath your own kid. My fanny would seal shut.

Following your discussion with him he does come across poorly I have to agree - there is no reason why he can't do a bathtime or bedtime even if just for bonding purposes once or twice a week

However I do agree with him that it's madness for him to start doing clothes washing and drying when he comes in from work - it's literally a few minutes of your time for you to do that in the morning - sounds like you live in a flat not a mansion - taking care of a baby and a dog and a bit of laundry/cleaning isn't/shouldn't be taxing or taking up 8 hours of the day

What a cunt, making out he's great with the football kids whilst letting his own child down. How are you going to do everything whilst working full time? I struggle to keep on top of things with my two DC working 3 days a week with a supportive husband. I'd be getting my ducks in a row in all honesty, he doesn't seem to benefit you or your DC much.

Oh no @ftm03 this is incredibly frustrating and sad that he has such little empathy for how you’re currently feeling.

I totally get it with this ‘how do I argue with someone who just doesn’t get it’ statement, as this sounds exactly like my ex and it does genuinely feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall.

To hopefully give you something constructive to do apart from just ‘I’m leaving you ultimatums’ which are far more easier said than done, I would suggest that now is the time to get a third party professional involved to help you communicate your needs effectively, as he obviously just isn’t getting it coming from you.

Marriage therapists are a fantastic resource and can really help each person see the others perspective a lot clearer - tbh I think that when voiced from a 3rd impartial party a lot of
people are more receptive to seeing where they are wrong.

The ‘her bedtime routine is already sorted with you’ comment worried me a lot. My fear is that if you don’t sort out his perspective now, then when you go back to work you will still be expected to do everything and you will crumble.

I would verbalise to him calmly that as the current situation stands you are incredibly unhappy and fear that if it continues you will end up resenting him so much that you will leave him and you feel like he is not seeing anything from your perspective so you would like for you both to see a professional who can help you communicate with each other better so that it does not get to the point where separation is the only option.

I would also suggest that if possible you go and stay with a family member who can help you with the childcare (like your mum) for a few days/weeks:

1. to hopefully give you some respite from being a 24/7 parent
2. give your partner a bit of a kick up the backside and realise how serious you are about the future of your relationship

I know lots of people on here will just tell you to leave but I also know that with a small baby that is a lot easier said than done. But the situation you are currently in is not sustainable and your partner needs to develop a bit more empathy and emotional maturity for your relationship to carry on.

However I do agree with him that it's madness for him to start doing clothes washing and drying when he comes in from work - it's literally a few minutes of your time for you to do that in the morning

I do that either when I come home from work or before I start work. If it's no big deal for her why should it be a big deal for him?

Bless you OP, you sound exhausted.

I was a SAHM and DH is emergency services so was driving blue light runs, and as such I prioritised his sleep (for obvious reasons) but even so he still helped with night waking whenever possible or got up with the kids when they woke early and let me sleep in. Not all the time, granted, but enough that I never felt taken for granted.

Other stuff, like laundry is easier for you to do during the day. But he SHOULD be helping with tidying up, bath time, bed time, cooking dinner etc when he gets in. Again, doesn't have to be every day but you need to feel like a team.

I'm sorry you DH can't see that this is team work and I'd be wondering what happens in 5 months when you're back at work? I assume baby goes into nursery so you'll have umpteen episodes of sickness because nurseries are germ fests, and what happens? Will he always assume its your job to stay home from work? What about when they're at school? And whose doing the housework whilst you're both out the house?

Serious conversations needed OP.

Why she is going back in 5 months to work taking some of these things on to help his wife and get into a good routine

Isn't it amazing how often something that is "literally a few minutes" of a woman's time becomes something so onerous it is impossible to ask a man to do it at 5 pm because ... penis maybe? If it is a few minutes of the OP's time, then it is equally a few minutes of the OP's husband's time too - unless the laws of physics change after 5 pm.

And hats off to all the single men who have to do their own laundry when they come home from work. They must be knackered the poor dears.

While i was on mat leave and hubby had gone back to work we split it so that i did night stuff Sunday to Thurs and hubby did Fri and Sat nights. It worked for us.

I think it’s a shame that you feel you should be doing something his abs you don’t sound confident enough or strong enough to stand up to him.
Don’t listen to the ones saying you should be doing it all of course you shouldn’t . It take two to make a baby and two to bring the child up .
He has to step up . Instead of making excises as that’s what it is .

Hes being a shit husband and father

@ftm03 you need to have this conversation with your husband but not at 4am when you're both tired. Tell him how you feel and ask for his help, there will be a compromise. Maybe he drops one of his football evenings so you can have a couple hours for a bath, early night etc. Or you get an afternoon at the weekend.
Because he has to be up and out and functioning for work I don't think he should have to do night feeds but that doesn't mean he can't help you somewhere else. You are a team and should support each other. You should also have the conversation now about what happens when/if you return to work.

Thank you to all of the supportive posters. I didn't want to be told necessarily that I was "right", I just wanted to feel heard. Some of you have really really helped me to know that I'm not alone and I shouldn't put up with him being selfish.

I'm currently sat in the bath, door locked, I didn't cook dinner, he has uniform clean for this week but I won't be doing it for next week. I called my Stepmum (really close to her) and she said her and Dad would love to spend time with and have DD overnight so I can get a break. So next weekend she is staying with them on Saturday night and I'm going to lay in bed with my book. I feel guilty to DD but I am not coping on my own and I will be a better Mum after a decent nights sleep and some time to myself.

I'm hoping by me not doing laundry/dinner/cleaning etc I will make a point. I will still obviously look after our daughter and dog and those two will be my only priority for a while. He was really hands on for the first couple of months and I've realised now that I'm the "default" parent who does everything.

Regarding our future, I can't and won't stay married to a man who opts out of being a husband and most importantly, a dad.