Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

I do think father's should provide active support. I'm just responding to this specific scenario of DH working/managing a company and needing to sleep.

That's their bread and butter, so it's essential that's not compromised, especially in this economic climate. But again - I do believe fathers should play an active role, and I wasn't suggesting otherwise.

Shocked at some of the responses you've gotten! It's bloody hard work looking after everyone when you are exhausted.

I bet your DH is doing less than he would if he was a single man living alone, e.g. then he'd need to sort food, tidy up, do the laundry etc for himself at least.

What fair looks like is different for every couple, but the best piece of advice I got was to not make it a war of who's got it worse/more tired. You can empathy for how tired your other half is, at the same time as being tired yourself. This really helps making it a partnership rather the opposing sides!

Oh boo boo, he works. Poor man.

I used to do all the wakings. And work. Because my exH used the same excuses as a pp mentioned "oh you're better at it than me/I don't know how to settle them/they won't do it for me like they do for you".

He can work and still take a share of the work.

Just because op is on maternity leave, it doesn't mean she deserves to be permanently sleep deprived and/or restricted to going to bed at 7pm.

Her husband could ALSO choose to go to bed early so he could do his share. And op would also then get sone much needed down time AND not have to go to bed at 11pm just to get a bit of time on her own.

Win win. Then dad can proudly say he's an involved, engaged father instead of yet another knob who chooses to disengage from family life and then wonder why he has no relationship with his children

How could it do that? It just frees one from something like 35 hours of work, but it doesn't come with sleep in powder or extra pair of hands. Suggesting that 35/40 hours of job transfers to 24/7 service is absurd.

That's my opinion. I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

I agree with PP, you run the risk of setting a precedent for when/if you go back to work. When I was on mat leave I started out doing all the nightshifts which seemed fair, but once our DD's sleeping pattern went biserk at night I ended up demanding 50/50. I was on my knees and it no longer felt fair. He agreed happily enough and we still know who's 'on duty' each night now and she's 2.

@Outliers so do you think maternity leave is 24/7, or which hours do you think are solely the mum's responsibilities?

Parenting is 24/7 - and the rules are decided by the individuals/couples.

I, nor anyone in this thread, is a ruling arbiter of what is appropriate. Hence - it's just my opinion.

But dad wasn't parenting 24/7, as yet seen no evidence of parenting on his behalf. So in your opinion are all night feeds solely mum's responsibility during maternity leave, and what time does that start and end in your opinion?

Did your DH actually WANT a baby OP? The reason I ask, is if it was a decision made by the two of you to start a family, then you need to sit him down and tell him that he chose to have a child, and therefore needs to play his part. He can either do this in the evenings, or at the weekend, but he CAN'T chose not to do either as you are worn out and it's not fair. However, if he made a conscious decision NOT to have children, took precautions, and you still got pregnant, and then refused to terminate, that might be a different matter.

I would much rather do a full time, stressful job on a full night's sleep than be on mat leave with sleep deprivation. There is no comparison for me in terms of which is harder.

4am maybe isn't the best time to have the conversation but there definitely needs to be one. It's just not right that a couple have a baby together and one half of that couple's life continues exactly as before?!

A loving partner would absolutely do a share. I mean I wouldn't be asking him to be getting up multiple times a night, every night, but he has to do something. If there's a suggestion that he can't function on less than a normal amount of sleep then how does he expect you to on even less.

Ok...so hes shattered, cant help because hes knackered. So, i wonder if he's knackered when going football and doing his hobbies? Oc he isn't. Selective wanting to and not wanting to. If he was that knackered he would limit time on hobbies if you need support with baby

@UpaladderwatchingTV if you have sex with precautions there is still a risk of pregnancy and resulting baby. Take that risk, you need to step up

If you don't work, then you should be doing the bulk of it. You can nap during the day.

Wtf am I reading.

You can nap during the day

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

No, you shouldn’t be doing the bulk of the work 24/7. 2 people decide to have a child, not one. Each parent needs be hands on with the child, and to support the other partner in any way they can.

She's doing ALL of it 🙃

A lot of responses you have gotten are harsh. My dh worked whilst I was on mat leave, most do. It doesn't mean he left all the parenting to me. He took.over with dd1 as soon as he stepped foot in the door. I'd go to bed at 10pm and he'd do the 10pm feed before I woke at 2am and then 6am to start the day. When I started to struggle we talked about it and he did the night shift 3 days a week whilst I did 4. We talked and worked things out because a good dh or partner would never see you on your knees.

You need to have a sit down conversation and tell him that something needs to give because this just isn't sustainable for you. if he works such long hours you think he would want to spend as much time with baby at the weekends or whenever he could. The fact that he doesn't is telling. I'd be seeking help from your hv and a sleep consultant to get your dd to have a nap if not 2 during the day.

No, it wouldn’t be a different matter. HTH.

I honestly don't have the energy to read all of the replies, I didn't realise I would get so many.

To answer a couple of important questions that I've seen as I've skimmed through...

Yes, we both decided to have a baby. We are both in our 30's and started trying 10 years ago, she's a much wanted DD.

Yes, I will be going back to work full time when she is 10 months old.

I've just sat down and asked DH if we can chat about splitting things more equally and used laundry as an example, his answer was "you want me to get in at 5, put laundry on and wait an hour for it to finish, hang it up at night" as if that makes a difference what time it's put on the airer (no garden and no tumble dryer). He said "there's not a lot to putting on a wash when you're home with her". When I asked about him doing bath and bedtime a couple of nights a week his reply was "she's in her routine now with you". He can't opt out of football commitments as he's in a team and runs a kids football team so that's a no go.

I can't argue why I need some time to myself and not doing all of the chores and look after DD solo with somebody who just doesn't get it. I never thought it would be like this, he was always supportive and kind.

Those bashing me saying I shouldn't of woke him up at 4 as he has work, am I expected to be awake most of the night and still look after a baby, a dog and the house on little sleep because he works? And no he's not a brain surgeon, he doesn't work in an office either.

Don't accept him opting out of doing things OP. Have you talked about what it will look like when you go back to work?

''She's in her routine now with you''
''That won't work when I'm back to work so we should change it now''

If it isn't difficult for you to put some washing on, it isn't difficult for him to do some after work either.

I'd also be asking him why he is more committed to other children than his own daughter.

I'd be furious and telling him that things need to change.

how exactly is it going to work OP when you go back

snd in answer to his question - is he expecting to work and do his hobby hand simply check out. And if there is T a lot to putting the wash on why can’t he do it. The simple answer is yes you are

i think you need to tell him straight he is opting out of being a parent and a husband you cannot and will not do everything when you go back otherwise what is his point.

I would take some time put from him OP and see what his life is d like if he has to do chores

He’s a twat. He’s a shit husband and a terrible father.

Honestly OP, I’d be considering your future together. He’s not thinking about your or your baby. You need to stand up to him, not just for yourself but for your daughter. It’s not fair on her.

Hmm. You know, some random strangers on the internet are able to support their opinions by some arguments or describe a way how it might work in real world. Others are not.