Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

I had a baby that did not sleep at any time really and had to be held non stop. We split the nights so that I went to bed at 6 and got up at 11, then went back to bed at 5 for a couple of hours. DH got a solid 6 hours sleep (11-5ish). At weekends we did one full night each so the other could have a full rest.

It’s better to have two tired parents than one on their knees. Plus, you make a rod for your own back if only one parent can settle the baby.

Quite frankly, neither of us had any time to ourselves aside from on a weekend where we tried to make sure the other had a couple of hours each just to unwind.

Parenting should be split equally outside of ‘working’ hours.

It didn’t last forever, DS was pretty much sleeping through by 4 months bar one waking and you gradually get more time. We still take turns with bedtimes / mornings etc. much easier when you work as a team and recognise the other is equally as exhausted!

Just go to bed if he asks for sex explain that you will be asleep unless he steps up. He's getting his footie which is fine because you're both asleep. I'd leave him a list of chores including taking the dog to football with him and if he's got his own company he can take the dog to work. My OH did and walked him at lunchtime

The truth is that a lot of men aren't really that interested in having kids, and go along with it because the wife wants to, and would otherwise leave them.

Hence they will work late to try and avoid childcare. In their eyes it is the wife that loves the whole childcare thing, whilst they are busy working (which they prefer) to support everyone.

You need to work something out between you. In the early days I would go to bed at 8 and other half would stay up until 1 if needed so that I knew I had 5 hours solid sleep. I think you just need to forgo your normal evenings in the early days in place of sleep. It doesn't last long and then you can change routine again.

There's two things here: (1) you need to make better use of your 6-10pm time every night once baby is asleep. Personally, if it was me, I'd go the fuck to bed as sleep is more important than anything. That means, dh can do the 10pm sorting out of baby before he comes to bed, so you get a longer stretch of sleep.

And also prioritise your personal time during the day. You don't need to be folding the washing or loading the dishwasher the second baby goes to sleep. These can be shared tasks for late afternoon/evening hours. Get baby to nap, then give yourself an hour. I was a big fan of car naps and pushchair naps. Where we live is very rural and private, but I would sometimes drive around for 10 minutes to get baby asleep and then park right outside (private drive on private farm) so I could see baby's face in the car seat through the window and then I'd do whatever I wanted for an hour. Or push the pushchair right into the lounge and sit and watch tv or read a book.

(2) Your dh needs to be present in his non-working hours. It's fine to have hobbies and commitments that are important to him, but it's the same for you. If he does a day of football on a Saturday, you get a lie in that morning. Then on Sunday, maybe he gets a lie in, but he is the default parent all day. You take a nap, go for a coffee and to read a book, meet friends, etc. If he's at football 2 evenings a week 6-9pm, then the other 2 evenings a week, 6-9pm, you do whatever you want to do. Sit in a locked room and binge watch a boxset and he does bath and bedtime like you do the 2 nights he's not home. If he has too many commitments that it's impossible for you to have equal time, then that's when the imbalance has clearly become unfair and needs to be sorted (meaning he needs to give up something), if you want your relationship to survive parenting in the early years.

Well, it is a stupid opinion 😅

Imagine, I woke my partner up at 4am, because I felt realy sick myself. No child around. He told me, of course it was ok to wake him up, he is an adult and can get back to sleep or operate with an hour less, and he wanted to be there for me.

How does he deal with his important job, if he gets woken up by his own upset tummy?

She does majority of the nights, but for once needed him to take over. They can do better planning together the next day, but the situation was there, so he needed to cover it.
If he can't run his business with one odd wake up, he needs to get a job instead.

"He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work."

To this, I'd reply, "let's hope my relentless tiredness doesn't mean I start making mistakes with our child, e.g. accidentally not paying attention while driving to do the supermarket shop... etc etc"

It's not fair he gets to work full time and then play football in an evening, have leisure activities. When does your work stop? Why are you "on" 24/7. Whoever thinks that is fair is ridiculous. It wouldn't kill him to do one night feed here and there. He just doesn't want to.

I personally think you ought to get the same amount of child free leisure time as him, so one evening he finishes work at 5pm and he does dinner and bath and bed. You go out for the evening.

Weekend, let him do his hour of football coaching, and then what, another hour to play his game? Then he takes over. You spend a few hours doing what you want while he does chores with DD in tow.

I also hate going to bed at 7pm but some nights I just have to. Try and do it just once or twice a week. It really really does help. I just go up and watch something on netflix, then drift off.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP but I do have some questions;

How many days does he go to football in the evening?
What time?
What time is weekend football and how long for?
Are you currently taking any time for yourself away from the house?
Have you discussed what happens when you go back to work?

You need to answer some of these questions and look at your situation to see how you can adjust things to make it work for both of you. So you both have time working (childcare is working), time doing house bits, time with your daughter, time together and time by yourselves. Is it hard? Yes. Will there be arguments? Probably. And it may be that you find it’s only a few hours by yourselves, but it goes by so quickly. And immediately forget the ‘oh he will resent me’ stuff. If he resents you, he’s a shit father and a shit husband and he needs to go. He shouldn’t resent looking after his only child.

I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

You are opting for resent him instead and be exhausted. You don't have to demand it but I think you need to break it down to him how tired you are and how you need some regular down time. Ideally he'd understand this without you having to explain this to him but he's obviously not getting it and he's not a mind reader and probs not very empathetic either. So you're only other option is to explain to him how tired you are and how you both need to share the load more.

I think he needs to be doing some house work in the evenings and you need some regular time to yourself like weekly yoga, gym, book club, seeing friends whatever you are interested in. I think you need that as well as even regular rest time.

I've fallen asleep reading bed time stories as has OH. It's all hands to the wheel. ESP if you're going back to work

How much parenting does your DH do?

DS was breastfed so DH couldn't help with that, but DS could take time to settle, so sometimes DH would take him once fed so I could get some sleep before next feed was due. We were a partnership working through first time parenting together. And no way would he have continues with all his hobbies once a new born was on the scene.

If you are struggling a good partner will step up

Do not feel bad for waking him. This meant all on you and you’re not able to work 24/7 - he is being so utterly unreasonable.

Sounds as though he’s not willing to compromise now that baby is here and wants his cake and to eat it.

I don't think the issue is waking him once when you needed extra help but the put downs and telling him he had opted out of being a father are pretty cruel. A father provides for his kids and it sounds like he is providing. Who is paying the bills?

You can ask for help without being mean.

I don’t think just because you are on maternity and you’re expected to do everything. Night duties need to take turns otherwise it might crash you one day and you might not even function well during the day time. Are you still paid during Mat leave? If so then you’re contributing to the income too, I don’t see why DH cannot share some parenting burdens. Let’s face it bring up a baby full time is much harder than full time work.

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby. I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

So then he gives up his sleep.

Basically he isn't giving up anything then.
I do think as the sahp you do the night feeds, but on the odd occasion you're totally knackered he needs to step in. Especially as this baby seems to have affected his life not one tiny jot.
It was a one off, not like you're asking him to do it every night.
And he already seems to think this isn't part of his 'job'. That attitude needs to change, because otherwise this will continue even after you are back at work or when you are ill or when you simply just need a full nights sleep to recharge.

When do you do your hobby and exercise op? I'm guessing you don't because otherwise he wouldn't be able to do his.
Can I suggest you start one, and so he has the responsibility of baby at least that 1 evening a week? If he baulks at that, then you need to sit down and have a really long hard chat. You worry about him resenting you. But if this carries on you'll resent him. He doesn't seem bothered about it that way around though, does he?

There were also times when DH walked through the door after work, would take one look at my face and pick up DS so I could go and have a break, be it a bath, read a book, walk, cry or sleep as I just needed time to myself and it had been a hard day.

Plan your return to work ASAP and make it clear that the duties will have to be split then!

My DH got up every night with our baby even when I was on maternity, because she was an awful sleeper and I was utterly wrecked. He was absolutely on board with the understanding that DC was his responsibility too and in effect we both had daytime jobs - his was paid work and mine was managing a difficult baby and trying not to harm all of us by doing something stupid due to sleep deprivation.

DON'T feel bad for waking him OP. If you need help, he should be there helping.

There are definitely loads of men on here. Either that or a lot of self-hating women with massive internalised misogyny. I reckon the former.

Much the same as having to look after a baby and I say that as someone who has had two babies and a then stressful job!

I go to bed at 9 (or even earlier) most nights to deal with nighttime wake ups/5am starts - both on mat leave and now as a working parent of a baby. Going to bed at 11.30 when you have a baby who wakes in the night seems like madness to me, speaking as someone who can't function when overtired. However, the husband can also get an early night and do an early start before work, so suggest that he does this sometimes. Doing football in the evening is not a good reason not to do this.

I have noticed it on almost every thread too.

You shouldn’t be staying up late, I understand wanting an evening but when you’re exhausted you need to be sensible. If he’s going to work in the morning and you’re on leave you should be doing the lions share, it’s part of the point of it. He does need to give you a break at the weekend at some point though, be it Saturday or Sunday.

I started a thread yesterday about child maintenance which has a surprising number of posters on it explaining why it's impractical to force men to pay a reasonable amount of money towards their children's upkeep.

@saffronsoup we are not in the 1950s where the only role of dad was to work to provide for the family, and mum did everything home and child related. If you are in a relationship you work as a team and at 4am OP needed help, it's not like she is expecting him to do every wake up, she hasn't even asked him to cut down on his time out of the house (although he should have done that automatically)