Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

I am also on maternity leave and DH works long hours. Between when baby and older DD go to sleep and 6am I am first in line to do wakeups. DH doesn't get off scott free, if the baby is taking more than about an hour to go to sleep (or if I’m getting really stressed by it) then I’ll wake him to help but as he’s working I do 99% of the night stuff. At 6am it’s over to DH until he gets ready for work at 7:30.

Personally, I couldn’t do night wake ups and early mornings with going to bed at 11 so I go up at 9ish, lights off by 10 at the latest. When DS was younger and waking more (he is 8 months now) it wouldn’t be unusual for me to go to bed at 8. Having no time for yourself sucks but nothing sucks as much as being sleep deprived. I fully understand how being touched out can drive you mad (I am co sleeping so one child or the other is on me 95% of the time and sometimes I just want to scream).

DH can’t leave everything to you and opt out of being a dad but I’d say step one to a happier life is going to bed earlier.

Same. It's like bloody Fathers 4 Justice round here these days.

Well in this case his claims of having a 'stressful job' seems to be working in his favour. Funny that.

I don't think it would have killed him to help you for once.

The Guardian's Facebook pages are almost as bad. At least you can actually see that it's men there though.

Plenty of you lot could do with rereading the OP, in particular:

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. … she refuses daytime naps

There’s no daytime dozing, time off, relaxing, “sack off the laundry while the baby naps”, etc. And with a cold, even a compliant cot-napping, sleep-trained baby can sometimes end up needing to be held upright for naps (precisely what I’m doing now in a pitch-dark room with DS, who usually does cot nap so I can sit down and ignore the chores, but is currently more snot than baby). Even he, quite the dream sleeper, at five months would wake with alarm if the car, pram or sling stopped moving.

I was born in the 80s and my dad had a long commute, physical job and still did half the night wakings for me and my siblings because:

• he loved my mum and wanted to make sure she wasn't completely exhausted
• he loved us and, after hardly seeing us because of his working hours, actually wanted to spend time and bond with us
• he wasn't a selfish arsehole who thought his job was more important than raising his children

YANBU OP.

I do think it is funny that anyone who doesn't seethe hatred towards men or who doesn't have a woman = saint with good intentions and man = bad with bad intentions are immediately labelled as self hating women, misogynists or men.

It is kind of ironic that not hating an entire sex and being as sexist as possible is now classed as sexist. No different from going on an MRA board and writing a post that anyone who doesn't hate and blame women and doesn't always take the man's side clearly must be misandrous.

Neither of these sexist views really help anyone. Both them man haters / hail women and the women haters / hail men are so biased they lack any value.

Not hating men is not the definition of misogyny. People have lost sight of what these words mean due to their own sexist beliefs and values.

The only way I was able to get through the first year with DD was to go to bed when she fell asleep and also nap when she did. After a while I started staying up later to have me time but noticed I was becoming too tired again so I had to limit it. Now that DD sleeps through the night I can be more relaxed about my own bedtime. It's frustrating but it will pass.

OP slightly different take than most from me. If he went to bed at 10 and was woken at 4, he had at least 5 hours uninterrupted sleep. With a young baby at home that's pretty good.

It's odd that 'he needs his sleep so he won't make mistakes at work', but mothers of newborns are expected to not make mistakes no matter how underslept.

Some people find it difficult to sleep in the early evening - the term 'night owl' exists for a reason.

It does sound to me like dad needs to get more involved, and stop using his economic importance to pretend that his sleep needs come first at all times. Otherwise the dynamic will be hard to break when you go back to work.

Also I bet if you made a pie chart of leisure time for each of you, it would look like pacman with his mouth almost closed.

Don't put up with being an almost-closed pacman mouth OP.

If night time wakings are down to the mum, she has baby all day and also needs to go to bed early to cope with the night time wakings, her whole life has changed. No evenings to just chill, with a glass of wine and read a book or watch a film. What exactly has changed for the dad, how has he adapted his life to being a dad?

That's not what's happening though. It's not 'seething hatred' to expect men to step up to their wives/partners/childcare responsibilities. It's certainly not 'misandry'. But you do you, girl(?)friend.

starfro

Thats, quite obviously, a goady post, which belittles men down to simplistic blobs interested in nothing but themselves.

My DH desperately wanted to be a dad and still does, despite challenges. He’d be enraged at your toxic version of what men are.

You are so totally not being unreasonable. Your dh is being incredibly selfish.

She does have a routine. Bath, bottle, cuddles and bed. If I leave this until 6pm to put her in her cot at 7pm she screams the place down where she is so overtired. I have to change her nappy, I put a clean one on at 6pm, when I've left her she's wet through by 2am then that means I have to change sleeping bag and bedsheet as well as baby.

It never occurred to us not to share the night wake ups, even when I was on maternity leave and DH was working. We alternated every night, sometimes he would even take more nights than me if the days were hard. We love each other and don't want the other to suffer if we can help. If the man works in an office, there are very few roles that they couldn't get by on a few broken nights sleep.

The idea that you can catch up on sleep during the day is ridiculous for many babies. Mine fell asleep without warning for maximum 30 minutes at a time on and off throughout the day. No way I could "sleep when the baby sleeps".

Don't feel bad. He's also a parent and if you're doing almost all of it, he can do some. Mumsnetters can be very pro working dad not doing anything. My view is, why have a partner if they don't do anything. Might as well be a single mum.

Could you invent a local netball team and volunteer as a coach?

What time does your DH get home from work?

What happens between her bedtime at 6 and your bedtime at 11?

Do you need his income? Can he work part time so that he is available to do more at home and spend more time parenting / housekeeping and have less stress? If you both work part time and are home part time can you pay the bills?

This seems insane to me. OP gets literally no time to herself, day or night, while her partner gets a full nights sleep and time to himself at weekends? That’s not a fair split. One wake-up at 4am will not put his job at risk or make him so tired he feels unwell.

Wow! All these people saying the sahp should be doing 100% because they are at home are just shocking me! Looking after children is 50/50 when both parents are at home because looking after a child and a home is work! It's exhausting emotionally and physically. He may work hard but that's only for so many hours a day yet you all expect her to do it all 24 hours a day 7 days a week! Do give over! We did it all 50/50 during home hours but I sorted the home/cooking until I went back to work then everything was 50/50! He helped create the child he should be raising the child as well he's not doing her a favour he's being a parent

DS wasn't keen on napping in his cot during the day, liked to sleep in his pram whilst walking round town, would have been quite tricky for me napping when he did!

Hang on a minute here. DH might well have a job to go to, but isn't OPs job even more important? Doesn't she not to be awake enough to also be on the ball? The life of a baby is in her hands. She can't afford to fall to sleep whilst on the job otherwise she risks harming her baby. Is her mental health also not important? Her DH should definitely stay up late so that OP can go to bed early or he should do a night shift.

I've worked full time since I was 16. I'm on maternity leave, my baby is 5 months old and I'll be returning to work full time when she is 10 months old.