Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Perhaps he should worry more about you resenting him? Where exactly on his list of Important Things To Do do you and your daughter come?
When does your free time for exercise or hobbies happen? When do you get to sleep?

^ This. OP does your DP understand that when you go back to work things will have to change massively? My advice is make sure your contraception is rock solid.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all- he needs to be helping out, whether that's doing an occasional night feed or cutting back at the weekend so he can take over.

As an introvert, I know the need for time to yourself, could you go to bed before your husband, take a book or a tablet and some headphones to watch a movie and have your alone time a bit earlier?

My husband did any night feed or waking after 3am from the beginning because it was also his child and sleep deprivation is no good for a new mother just as much as a parent who is working outside the house.
Let's remember that fathers haven't got to recover physically from pregnancy and birth, we need to start normalising fathers parenting equally from the start, that includes nights.

Tell him that you’re tired when he instigates sex. Tell him that you may be available for 5-10 mins, after you’ve caught up on sleep.

My DH also did most of the AM school runs when I was on Mat Leave as I was permanently knackered from interrupted sleep. DH had to get up early and leave the house to go to his Office, so it made perfect sense for him to get up, sort out and take our 5 yo to school on his way to work. When I returned to work after Mat Leave, DH continued to do the AM school runs on his way to work, whilst I did the AM nursery runs on my way to work. I did both PM nursery and school runs on my way back home from work. Our youngest DC is still in Primary School, I work school hours mainly WFH, so I do most of the school runs. Although, we still share school runs depending on our work commitments, medical appointments, sickness and the our kids’ extra curricular activities.

Don’t let his weaponised incompetence fool you.

Oh, and never agree to go 50/50 on finances if he’s earning more than you. The split should be proportionate to your incomes.
If you return to paid work, will he be doing 50/50 of housework?

“He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.”

remind that you could also make a mistake whilst taking care of his child during the day when you’re so exhausted from doing everything, which could have a worse outcome than him making mistakes at work 🙄

Don't know what kind of babies you've had but none of mine would let me watch netflix all day.

Rather annoyingly they expected to be fed/changed at regular intervals. Would cry if they couldn't see me. Would cry if they where tired/hungry/bored/over stimulated/ just because.

They required long walks in the pram or more often sling to nap, and when they napped it was usually on me in the sling until they were about 7 months old.

If they were napping I was mostly trying to catch up on laundry, dishwasher, eat and drink something. Very occasionally I might get to sit while they napped on me and half watch something in a desperate attempt to not fall asleep holding the baby.

I'd get to 5pm and witching 'hour' would start where nothing could console them. If I was lucky they might sleep from 8 - 11ish while I ate something and literally sat not wanting to be touched by anyone, and after that I was woken every 40mins - 2 hours during the night.

Rinse and repeat every day for months years

Wow @Mikimoto . Are you a mum? Or a fella?!!!!! Soooo...theres no housework needs doing... cooking ..essential shopping... washing...appointments....looking after oneself so can look after baby...repairs... decorating...garden... organising life in general ...etc. whilst her husband goes to work? Give it a rest. She may as well be a single parent then. I was a single parent. .i worked full time...i managed to do it all but did me no favours..i burned out. So will OP if shes left alone to do it all... she has a husband!!! He can contribute fcol. So backwards in some comments... martyrdom

Your husband needs to drop some of his hobbies.

Personally I found one baby an absolute doddle...but regardless, I get the feeling that even if the op had twins and a full time job, her dh would probably still be the same

YANBU waking him up. You need to be able to ask your DH to contribute to raising his own child 🙄 It’s a lot harder looking after a baby and keeping on top of 100% of the housework than it is going to work.

Once you have become a parent you realise how easy work is comparatively. Even if your DH is having a busy time of it at work, it’s nothing compared to what you are doing. You get to do it alone without ever being able to be truly alone. I can completely relate to stealing those hours for yourself at the end of the day only to feel guilty for it.

The bar is set so low for men and that is reflected in the comments on here. I shouldn’t be shocked but I am. Being on maternity leave doesn’t mean you do it all. You’re recovering from pregnancy and child birth and the first 6 months are hell. Why the fuck would you be responsible for all of it? Going out to earn the money is something we all do. It’s not special. Committing to having a baby and bringing that child up is the hard bit.

If you were working full time he would be doing 50/50 housework and parenting…... Right? Probably not if this is your set up now. he needs to stop some of the extra curricular activities and be doing at least a clear 25% in preparation for when he does more. I appreciate he was pissed being woken up when he wasn’t expecting it. So plan for it next time, have set nights he does.

when someone goes out to work they are getting something in return, they are accomplishing something. They are using their brains, interacting with other people. Being respected and challenged as an individual. Do not tell me this is harder than the monotony of changing nappies, cleaning the bathroom and making bottles, whilst having your whole identity taken over. Who thanks you at the end of the day? Not your DH or people online that can’t believe you have the audacity to need help, or god forbid, sometime to yourself!

I am so glad my husband never even questioned night wakings despite me being on MAT leave. MAT leave is a slog and he never expected or wanted me to end up utterly exhausted and alone every night. I’d be really disappointed in him

Your husband has work all week, football a couple of nights a week and football training with kids at weekends… so he has his hobbies and exercise & would resent you if you asked him to cut back?? Fair enough… but what time do YOU HAVE away from the baby? What time do you get to exercise and do your hobbies?? If this is NON… Then I seriously suggest that Atleast once a week you go out and do something for you… when he gets in after football practice at the weekend could you go out with a friend for a couple of hours? Could you even just pop to your parents without baby for some adult time… or even just to sleep in their guest room for a few hours! Or send DH & baby out so you can sleep ?
but 100% you need to set aside some time where you go out and DH has the baby on his own!

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby. I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

OP, with all due respect, you need to WAKE UP. What will happen when you go back to work? Will your DH still insist he has his time and exercise and hobby. What about you? What about your time and exercise and hobby?

How many years of this blatant unfairness are you prepared to endure to keep in your DH's good books? What happens when you seriously start to resent him, as is already happening?

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby

Where is your time? For you to have to yourself?

Genuinely can't believe the attitude of "if he's working he should get 10 hours of sleep 5 nights a week".

Maybe in 1954. Not now. My husband does absolutely everything 50/50 with me. We have a 3 month old and he will absolutely help during the night. He still gets at least 6/7 hours of sleep every night. I do the 3 night feeds, so am having more like 4/5 hours.

OP please don't listen to the posters who are stuck in the "women absolutely should do it all. It's bollocks.

YANBU. A grown adult can survive on less sleep. He should help when you’re tired, it’s his baby.

100% what @MsRosley saiid…

I’ve been in your position @ftm03 and I did everything!!!! If I took DD out for a whole day with friends he’d moan I’d not done something at home, even though his DD was happy and entertained all day!…. I did resent him and resent everything I gave up, he still had his gym memebership and nights out…
we’ve split up now because the live just went… and I’ve never been happier!
Dont let your marriage get to that, your husband isn’t being fair… we all have to give up hobbies when the babes are small and so should he!

Millions of women manage to wake to babies in the night and work the next day.

Equal rest - which includes both sleep and relaxation is the hallmark of and equal relationship.

It is absolutely unacceptable to expect your partner to carry the full burden of sleep deprivation. In the past, when there was more communal living and multi generational living, mums weren’t expected to do all the night waking. It’s not safe and the toll it takes on your long term health is significant, but not well known.

To put it in perspective, driving while sleep deprived is as dangerous as driving under the influence of alcohol. I very much doubt the consequences of him making a mistake at his important man job come close to the consequence of you making one caring for an infant.

He needs to man up and learn how to be a good husband and father.

Because he was working long hours outside the house with a decent commute each way and I wasn’t!

Agree it's the football evenings and/or weekends that needs to be dumped until the family is more stable. DH and I were able to go back to our hobbies properly when DC was a bit older around 1. Not ideal, but not everyone has our situation. Likewise DH used to do the first night wake earlier in the night and I did the second. If you need help, he will have to build up the stamina to help.

I wouldn’t wake my husband up while I was off work. Even when working I do 100% of the night feeds but then I breastfeed. I just feel like if I’m on maternity leave there is absolutely no sense in having 2 people tired. Especially if you can shut your eyes during the day when the baby sleeps. The house won’t fall apart because you doze alongside the baby instead of doing laundry but mistakes at work can have a much bigger impact.

Make a list of who does what tasks outside of his working hours (piece of paper with two columns and your names at the top on the fridge and record everything).
Then make another list for the fridge recording rest and hobby time.
You don’t have to say anything to him, it’ll just highlight the inequality in your relationship.

DuploTrain · Today 09:57

But when do you get your time for hobbies, exercise, or just doing nothing/whatever you feel like?

Why do you recognise that he’s entitled to that but you’re not?

This. When he’s not at work time should be split equally. Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Game changer for me and DH. I was exhausted at the end of my week doing half time paid work and half time everything domestic. DH would ask me why I was so exhausted when I’d been off hang the week and I’d agree! Until I realised that I had NO time off. I was working constantly at the childcare, housework, life admin, emotional labour and mental load. I just wasn’t paid. No sick pay. No annual leave. No time off. EVER. Once I’d clocked this and had a few difficult and long discussions/arguments with DH he finally got it and it’s much fairer now.

Bang on.

Let him 'resent you'. Take a day or two of awkwardness or moping then set up a plan with a blank and FAIR slate where you both get rest as a priority then build in any free time as equals.

You will need to be firm to get over this hurdle.

He should be doing the last feed and nappy change. You need to be in bed by 9pm - he needs to get up all night every night on Friday and Saturday taking it in turns having a lie in each weekend morning. He needs to give up the football -maybe once a week at the weekend at most and giving you a break if equal time otherwise totally unfair on you.

We both gave up our hobbies for a few years. It sounds like he doesn’t want to make any sacrifices at all