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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

956 replies

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:14

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 25/10/2023 09:20

Are you on mat leave / a stay at home parent? If so, I do think you should probably be doing 4am wake ups, when your DH has to be up for work a few hours later. However no he can’t opt out of being a dad at other times, and he should be doing an equal share of the child and house related tasks when he’s not working.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/10/2023 09:24

Do you work?

Yes, parenting should be an equal split and it’s clearly not fair if he gets 10 hours sleep every night and you get 3, but things are slightly different if he is the only wage-earner and needs to on the ball. If he makes mistakes that cost him the project and his livelihood, that is not good. You need to have a discussion about what is possible. Are you getting sleep at weekends?

Mindymomo · 25/10/2023 09:24

I was exhausted with my first baby, who hardly slept in the day, but did if I took him out walking, when I had my second, I went to bed when he did, it was so much better, yes I missed out on time with my DH and doing a few things, but it didn’t last forever, just until he slept through.

Original poster
ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:26

@Shinyandnew1 I'm on maternity leave but can't sleep at weekends as he runs a kids football team and has commitments to that. Plus he plays football himself a couple of evenings a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:27

@Mindymomo I might have to just go to bed at 7 or something, I just feel so overwhelmed all of the time that an hour to myself in the evening is bliss.

OP posts:
Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/10/2023 09:27

berksandbeyond · 25/10/2023 09:20

Are you on mat leave / a stay at home parent? If so, I do think you should probably be doing 4am wake ups, when your DH has to be up for work a few hours later. However no he can’t opt out of being a dad at other times, and he should be doing an equal share of the child and house related tasks when he’s not working.

The problem with this is though is that when OP goes back to work and the child is still waking up through the night (one of mine didn't sleep through until they were 4!) then OP will still end up doing all of the wake ups as well as working because her DH 'doesn't know how to settle her' or will claim 'she only wants you'

As a minimum he should be doing more wake ups at weekends to give you a chance at sleep.

no conversation held by two tired parents at 4am has ever gone well though - needs a proper chat tonight.

Original poster
ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:28

@berksandbeyond I feel bad now for waking him but I'm beyond tired and just needed his help once.

OP posts:
ScarboroughHair · 25/10/2023 09:28

In families I've known with this set up (one partner stressful job, one SAHP) the way it seems to work is the SAHP does 100% during the week and the working parent will pick up some of the slack at the weekend, covering a night or giving the SAHP a lie in or two and doing some house work. This seems fair to me. Do you get any help from him at all?

TheBirdintheCave · 25/10/2023 09:29

My husband and I split the night wakings evenly between us, even when he went back to work though fortunately our son was only waking maybe two or three times by that point.

ScarboroughHair · 25/10/2023 09:30

Okay, I've read your update, it's the football that's the problem. He can't do that whilst he has a small baby at home. He needs to be available at the weekends

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/10/2023 09:31

So you stayed up late and expect him to get up when working?

towriteyoumustlive · 25/10/2023 09:32

If you're on maternity then you should be doing night duties!

He can take over when he finishes work some night so you can have a break.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2023 09:32

Poorly babies are hard work but you can rest during the day, even if she doesn’t nap reliably. I’d have left him in the night but I wouldn’t be happy about his weekend football. You should both be getting a lie in at the weekend.

FeverBeam · 25/10/2023 09:33

I think men's 'stressful jobs' are often over-egged.

Inertia · 25/10/2023 09:33

The football needs to give then. Weekend care needs to be shared.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2023 09:34

I also get the importance of downtime in the evenings but if she went down at 6 or 7 you had a lot longer than one precious hour if you stayed up till 11. Go to bed earlier.

dcadmamagain · 25/10/2023 09:34

Don’t feel bad for waking him and asking him to help. It sounds like this is the first time and he should have realised it was a cry for help and not hit in a mood with you….

talk to him tonight and explain you’re on your last legs and just need a good nights sleep so could you arrange for hi. To do a whole nights cover on Fri it sat so you can catch up on sleep?

KatherineSiena · 25/10/2023 09:34

I thought you were being unreasonable until I read the update too. Your DH can’t spend all weekend supporting other people’s children and taking himself off for evenings playing football. That is what has to give.

Comtesse · 25/10/2023 09:36

Oh come on - one 4am wake up won’t kill him or blow up his job. OP is already doing all the domestic jobs and caring for his baby - he can take one for the team.

crumblylancs · 25/10/2023 09:36

We worked it that whilst on mat leave I did the weekday night shifts and then at the weekend we had one night off each but you've done everything for 5 months and you were shattered! It's not a lot to ask a PARTNER to do one night time feed on one occasion in 5 months. He'll have to suck up being tired for one whole day at work until he can have another full night sleep tonight won't he.

You're also on mat leave, not wife leave so he should be helping out with housework in my opinion.

FartSock5000 · 25/10/2023 09:38

@ftm03 no you aren't and he is setting the tone for the future.

Make him start being a Dad now or you will end up working, running the home and doing 100% childcare while he does his wee business and whines about how hard life is for him.

He thinks his going to work is all he has to do, that because you are home, you have it easy.

You need to start leaving the baby with him full days. Go out at the weekend so he is forced to step up.

Do NOT let him set this ground work now of your marriage will be dead in a few years when you finally realise you've been set up to be a skivvy to a man who promised to love you.

SapphOhNo · 25/10/2023 09:38

DH needs to drop the football at weekends. He needs to realise his life has changed and he has new responsibilities.

19847499fddqqedxx · 25/10/2023 09:39

Parenting should be 50/50 raising children is work and unfortunately your not paid for it.
I agree with you he doesn’t get to opt out as a dad.
Me and my husband did 50/50 when I was a stay at home mum and yes he was in a demanding job, he never once moaned or said he shouldn’t be doing it.

Makegoodchoices · 25/10/2023 09:40

I used to go to bed at 9pm and my DH did a midnight feed & change. Then the night was all me, but if I’d been up a lot I’d swap at 6am and get an hour or so of sleep before he went to work. But my husband actively wanted to be involved.

Your routine will change every 3 months or so anyway.

Dont feel bad for a one off. It’s part of being a team.

PepsiCoco · 25/10/2023 09:40

You stayed up late then woke your DH at 4am, I’d be fuming if I was him too.
When you say you only get an hour to yourself as a one off, what are you doing the other evenings when baby goes to sleep at 6?
Weekends need to be fairly shared though. DP should be doing at least one of the nights/days

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